The Denerim Affair
I have written a very cracky fic. Once the idea popped into my head I couldn't get it out, so I present to you the Dragon Age cast in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I apologize if this pops up on your friends list a thousand times.
“I think we should put on a play for the landsmeet,” Elissa said with a grin on her face.
“Ooh! A play! What a lovely idea Elle.” Leliana was beaming with joy at the notion, while the rest of her companions just looked confused.
Before anyone could balk, Elissa pulled out copies of a script and began to hand them out. “I found this play in the library at Highever. It's a farce my father performed along side Arl Howe and some of the other nobles in the area once for Satinalia when I was a child. Arl Howe brought down the house in the lead role, if you can believe it,” she said, remembering how she had laughed that day.
Alistair looked at the script and raised an eyebrow, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show? What kind of a play is this?”
“The very silly kind,” Elissa replied, “It's sure to win us a vote or two. I've already convinced Bann Teagan and Arl Eamon to help us, and Loghain has even demanded a small part for himself, claiming that we're trying to steal his votes. To that I say we should try to steal his scenes instead! First cast meeting is tomorrow in Arl Eamon's dining hall, I will be handing out costumes and assigning parts and I expect everyone to attend.”
The group assembled in the dining hall the next day, armed with their scripts. None of them quite knew what to expect when Elissa came in with two servants carrying a rack full of strange clothes, many of them very colorful and sparkly. She walked to the head of the table and addressed the group, “Teyrn Loghain, Bann Teagan, Arl Eamon thank you for joining us today.”
Loghain sat in a corner and glowered at her. “I am only doing this to keep the playing field even, Warden, do not think that I am happy about it.”
“Well, in that case, I think I have the perfect part for you. He's rather a grump, I don't think you'll have to go too far out of your way for the part,” she said handing the Teyrn a white shirt, black pants and jacket, and a black pair of shoes. “You will be our Riff Raff, and by the way, your character is a hunchback.” Loghain's disgust was almost palpable, but he just sighed and said, “Fine.”
Elissa looked over at the golem standing in the corner. “Shale, I have a part in mind for you as well. We've had a large white jacket custom made to your unique size, along with a red ascot. You already don't have much of a neck, so you'll be perfect to play our criminologist, which is essentially the narrator of the play.”
“It... thinks I lack a proper neck? It knows it can easily be crushed, yes? Why would it say such things?” If it was possible for stone to look perturbed, Shale did at this moment.
“Don't worry about it, my friend, it works in your favor for the role, trust me. I will get you some pretty augmentation crystals when this is all over and no one will notice if you have a neck or not. Sten.” She looked at the towering Qunari who was standing in the back with Shale. “I believe you will be suited to the role of Eddie, do you know how to dance?”
“Qunari warriors are trained to dance in order to learn to fight more gracefully, kadan, though I fail to see how this will help us to defeat the blight.”
“You just let me worry about that, Sten. This will go a long way toward furthering our ends,” she said as she handed the giant a leather jacket covered in chains and patterns and a pair of blue pants. He accepted the clothing and looked it over quizzically.
“Morrigan, you will be Magenta. You and the Teyrn will have most of your scenes together. Here is your costume.” She handed over a black dress with buttons up the middle and a frilly white part on the front.
“This?” Morrigan asked with a grimace. “I'm to wear this ugly thing? 'Tis a frock fit for servants.”
“Yes, well, we'll also need you to wear your hair down and muss it up quite a bit. Remember you're playing a part here,” Elissa replied. Morrigan scowled at her costume and sat down in a huff.
“Leliana, you will be our Columbia, and your costume is by far the most colorful. You get to dance with Sten's character.” Elissa handed her a rainbow colored suit covered in sparkly beading, along with a gold hat. Leliana's eyes got wide and she gasped, “This is my costume? It's so colorful! Oh Elle, I love it! And I'm sure Sten will make a lovely dance partner. This is going to be so much fun!”
Elissa continued assigning the parts, “Bann Teagan,” she said, “You will be one of the male leads, I think you're completely suited to play Brad Majors. He's a bit shy at first, but he comes around by the end. You'll actually have several costumes but this is what you'll wear the most often.” Teagan accepted the clothing that was handed to him and noticed it was nothing more than a blue robe, a pair of small clothes and some socks. “I can't say I know what to make of this, but I've done stranger things for the sake of entertainment,” he said with a grin. Elissa raised an eyebrow at that. “You'll have to tell me the rest of that story some day,” she replied.
“Arl Eamon, you will play the part of Dr. Everett Scott. I've had a wheeled chair fashioned for you, and you will wear this.” Elissa handed him a bundle of clothing. “The blanket will drape across your lap.”
The Arl looked at what he had been given and held up a pair of stockings and women's shoes. “Warden,” he began with an unsure tone, “If I'm to have a blanket over my lap, wh- what is the point of these?”
Leliana stifled a giggle as Alistair looked at the Arl's costume in horror. “Elle, what kind of a play is this? We're to dress like women?” he asked. She grinned at him and said, “Alistair, I can assure you that you will not be dressed in women's fashion for this play. In fact this will be your costume.” She handed him a pair of shiny golden small clothes that didn't look like they would cover much of anything. “You will play the title character, Rocky himself.”
“I- this? This is my costume? Please tell me there is more to it!” Alistair stammered, a look of abject terror upon his face. Zevran burst into laughter at the frightened man. When he composed himself he turned his attention to Elissa, who looked all too pleased with herself. “And who am I to play, my dear Warden? I thought if anyone would be parading around in his small clothes or cross dressing in front of an audience in this group it would have been me.”
“I think I can oblige you, Zevran. You will be taking up the part Arl Howe played so well in my youth, Dr. Frank-n-furter. I assume you'll have no problem wearing this?” She handed him a pile of clothing, which he quickly went through, finding a black sparkly corset and matching small clothes, stockings, garters, women's shoes, a sequined cape and a strand of pearls. Zevran grinned widely, “Now this, this is a costume. Perhaps you can give me a private fitting later? I'm not sure if I can figure out all these straps and buckles, my dear.”
Elissa just winked at him and continued assigning parts. “Wynne, Oghren and Dog will be in charge of props and scenery, and will play some small parts throughout the play. You'll be in the gallery wearing these.” She handed out white coats and very strange eye wear to Wynne and Oghren who accepted their fate gracefully. It could have been worse after all. Elissa was setting a matching outfit cut for Dog off to the side, when Leliana spoke up. “Elle, what of you? Surely you have a part chosen for yourself?”
“Ah, yes. I will play Janet Weiss. My character is Teagan's character's fiancée,” Elissa said simply.
Alistair looked up, still clearly flustered at the idea of his costume. “What, she doesn't wear any crazy get up? I think you're doing this to us for your own sick amusement.”
“Oh my character gets up to some interesting things, don't worry about that Alistair,” she replied, trying to sound reassuring.
“Tell us, oh great director, what does she do that will make me feel better about being forced to wear these?” He held up the golden small clothes to illustrate his point.
“Well for starters, she does Zevran's character, and then your character,” Elissa managed to say with a straight face.
“I- she- what?” was all that Alistair could manage in reply. Zevran laughed at him again. Elissa couldn't wait to start rehearsals.
I apologize if this pops up on your friends list a thousand times.
“I think we should put on a play for the landsmeet,” Elissa said with a grin on her face.
“Ooh! A play! What a lovely idea Elle.” Leliana was beaming with joy at the notion, while the rest of her companions just looked confused.
Before anyone could balk, Elissa pulled out copies of a script and began to hand them out. “I found this play in the library at Highever. It's a farce my father performed along side Arl Howe and some of the other nobles in the area once for Satinalia when I was a child. Arl Howe brought down the house in the lead role, if you can believe it,” she said, remembering how she had laughed that day.
Alistair looked at the script and raised an eyebrow, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show? What kind of a play is this?”
“The very silly kind,” Elissa replied, “It's sure to win us a vote or two. I've already convinced Bann Teagan and Arl Eamon to help us, and Loghain has even demanded a small part for himself, claiming that we're trying to steal his votes. To that I say we should try to steal his scenes instead! First cast meeting is tomorrow in Arl Eamon's dining hall, I will be handing out costumes and assigning parts and I expect everyone to attend.”
The group assembled in the dining hall the next day, armed with their scripts. None of them quite knew what to expect when Elissa came in with two servants carrying a rack full of strange clothes, many of them very colorful and sparkly. She walked to the head of the table and addressed the group, “Teyrn Loghain, Bann Teagan, Arl Eamon thank you for joining us today.”
Loghain sat in a corner and glowered at her. “I am only doing this to keep the playing field even, Warden, do not think that I am happy about it.”
“Well, in that case, I think I have the perfect part for you. He's rather a grump, I don't think you'll have to go too far out of your way for the part,” she said handing the Teyrn a white shirt, black pants and jacket, and a black pair of shoes. “You will be our Riff Raff, and by the way, your character is a hunchback.” Loghain's disgust was almost palpable, but he just sighed and said, “Fine.”
Elissa looked over at the golem standing in the corner. “Shale, I have a part in mind for you as well. We've had a large white jacket custom made to your unique size, along with a red ascot. You already don't have much of a neck, so you'll be perfect to play our criminologist, which is essentially the narrator of the play.”
“It... thinks I lack a proper neck? It knows it can easily be crushed, yes? Why would it say such things?” If it was possible for stone to look perturbed, Shale did at this moment.
“Don't worry about it, my friend, it works in your favor for the role, trust me. I will get you some pretty augmentation crystals when this is all over and no one will notice if you have a neck or not. Sten.” She looked at the towering Qunari who was standing in the back with Shale. “I believe you will be suited to the role of Eddie, do you know how to dance?”
“Qunari warriors are trained to dance in order to learn to fight more gracefully, kadan, though I fail to see how this will help us to defeat the blight.”
“You just let me worry about that, Sten. This will go a long way toward furthering our ends,” she said as she handed the giant a leather jacket covered in chains and patterns and a pair of blue pants. He accepted the clothing and looked it over quizzically.
“Morrigan, you will be Magenta. You and the Teyrn will have most of your scenes together. Here is your costume.” She handed over a black dress with buttons up the middle and a frilly white part on the front.
“This?” Morrigan asked with a grimace. “I'm to wear this ugly thing? 'Tis a frock fit for servants.”
“Yes, well, we'll also need you to wear your hair down and muss it up quite a bit. Remember you're playing a part here,” Elissa replied. Morrigan scowled at her costume and sat down in a huff.
“Leliana, you will be our Columbia, and your costume is by far the most colorful. You get to dance with Sten's character.” Elissa handed her a rainbow colored suit covered in sparkly beading, along with a gold hat. Leliana's eyes got wide and she gasped, “This is my costume? It's so colorful! Oh Elle, I love it! And I'm sure Sten will make a lovely dance partner. This is going to be so much fun!”
Elissa continued assigning the parts, “Bann Teagan,” she said, “You will be one of the male leads, I think you're completely suited to play Brad Majors. He's a bit shy at first, but he comes around by the end. You'll actually have several costumes but this is what you'll wear the most often.” Teagan accepted the clothing that was handed to him and noticed it was nothing more than a blue robe, a pair of small clothes and some socks. “I can't say I know what to make of this, but I've done stranger things for the sake of entertainment,” he said with a grin. Elissa raised an eyebrow at that. “You'll have to tell me the rest of that story some day,” she replied.
“Arl Eamon, you will play the part of Dr. Everett Scott. I've had a wheeled chair fashioned for you, and you will wear this.” Elissa handed him a bundle of clothing. “The blanket will drape across your lap.”
The Arl looked at what he had been given and held up a pair of stockings and women's shoes. “Warden,” he began with an unsure tone, “If I'm to have a blanket over my lap, wh- what is the point of these?”
Leliana stifled a giggle as Alistair looked at the Arl's costume in horror. “Elle, what kind of a play is this? We're to dress like women?” he asked. She grinned at him and said, “Alistair, I can assure you that you will not be dressed in women's fashion for this play. In fact this will be your costume.” She handed him a pair of shiny golden small clothes that didn't look like they would cover much of anything. “You will play the title character, Rocky himself.”
“I- this? This is my costume? Please tell me there is more to it!” Alistair stammered, a look of abject terror upon his face. Zevran burst into laughter at the frightened man. When he composed himself he turned his attention to Elissa, who looked all too pleased with herself. “And who am I to play, my dear Warden? I thought if anyone would be parading around in his small clothes or cross dressing in front of an audience in this group it would have been me.”
“I think I can oblige you, Zevran. You will be taking up the part Arl Howe played so well in my youth, Dr. Frank-n-furter. I assume you'll have no problem wearing this?” She handed him a pile of clothing, which he quickly went through, finding a black sparkly corset and matching small clothes, stockings, garters, women's shoes, a sequined cape and a strand of pearls. Zevran grinned widely, “Now this, this is a costume. Perhaps you can give me a private fitting later? I'm not sure if I can figure out all these straps and buckles, my dear.”
Elissa just winked at him and continued assigning parts. “Wynne, Oghren and Dog will be in charge of props and scenery, and will play some small parts throughout the play. You'll be in the gallery wearing these.” She handed out white coats and very strange eye wear to Wynne and Oghren who accepted their fate gracefully. It could have been worse after all. Elissa was setting a matching outfit cut for Dog off to the side, when Leliana spoke up. “Elle, what of you? Surely you have a part chosen for yourself?”
“Ah, yes. I will play Janet Weiss. My character is Teagan's character's fiancée,” Elissa said simply.
Alistair looked up, still clearly flustered at the idea of his costume. “What, she doesn't wear any crazy get up? I think you're doing this to us for your own sick amusement.”
“Oh my character gets up to some interesting things, don't worry about that Alistair,” she replied, trying to sound reassuring.
“Tell us, oh great director, what does she do that will make me feel better about being forced to wear these?” He held up the golden small clothes to illustrate his point.
“Well for starters, she does Zevran's character, and then your character,” Elissa managed to say with a straight face.
“I- she- what?” was all that Alistair could manage in reply. Zevran laughed at him again. Elissa couldn't wait to start rehearsals.