A Bond Forged in Fire Part 3
A Bond Forged in Fire
Part 3: The Nature of Good and Evil
“Oh, Maker, hear my cry:
Guide me through the blackest nights
Steel my heart against the temptations of the wicked
Make me to rest in the warmest places.” -Canticles of Transfigurations 12:1.
I’ve been repeating this verse in my head all day ever since…ever since it happened. I’ve been trying to use it to keep the doubt away, to keep me from…from slipping.
It’s not working.
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“DAMNED KNIFE-EARED SON OF A BITCH!” Marjolaine yelled in a distinctly unladylike manner after getting hit by yet another of Taiyama’s fireballs.
Marjolaine immediately broke off from outflanking Alistair to charge Taiyama. In her hand she carried a single, beautiful dagger with an Orlesian word Taiyama didn’t know carved elegantly into the blade on both sides. One might be tempted to think that it was purely ceremonial and ineffectual in combat when one first saw it were it not for the blood that now absolutely covered the thing. Just because something is deadly doesn’t mean it can’t be beautiful, indeed.
“Hey! My mother is a very respectable woman!” Taiyama responded as he blocked the knife thrusts with his staff while he tried to collect his thoughts and focus his drained willpower one last time--casting so many spells in a long battle had the tendency to wear you out mentally.
A few more parried knife thrusts later-and a few that managed to cut him-Taiyama was ready. Just as Alistair, Leliana, and Wynne finished off Marjolaine’s mercenary lackeys, Taiyama pointed his palm at Marjolaine and let off a huge electrical discharge from it, the force of which flung her across the small room like a ragdoll. She smashed into the opposite wall in a sitting up position and was just about to stand up when it happened.
Taiyama had only to shout Leliana’s name for her to grasp what he wanted-the man had become a much better tactician and group leader since their experiences at the Circle Tower-and Leliana dutifully let loose a single arrow. The arrow pierce Marjolaine’s skull straight through, pinning her to the wall behind her. Blood seeped from the wound down the wall and to the floor.
Silence fell on the scene of carnage. Tables were overturned, dead bodies of mercenaries were strewn everywhere, all four of them were covered in blood-some their own, most that of others-and silence pervaded as Leliana’s mind wrapped around what she had just done, who she had just killed with a single arrow.
What horrified her the most, though, was not that these things were terrible to her by themselves. No, the worst part was that she was…satisfied. Almost…almost happy that she was gone.
“She’s dead…” Leliana stuttered out, hardly believing it. “She’s dead…because of me…” She saw Taiyama open his mouth to say something and spoke again before he could. “I’ll…I’ll need some time to think about this… We’ll…discuss it later.”
Leliana stared at Marjolaine’s body for a few more moments until she felt a calm, reassuring hand on her shoulder. She turned her head and wasn’t surprised at all to see Taiyama there, concern in his eyes and a smile that didn’t quite reach them.
“Come on, we should probably go…” Alistair supplied.
Leliana nodded. “Yes, you’re right…”
Just as Leliana turned to go, Taiyama said, “Wait a minute.”
Taiyama walked over to Marjolaine’s body alone. Clumsily and while getting a great deal of blood on his hands, he removed the arrow that stuck Marjolaine to the wall in such a grotesque fashion and laid her down on the floor. He then took her hands and clasped them together above her heart-much as one would do to a loved one’s corpse at a funeral. Kneeling beside Marjolaine, Taiyama spoke:
“Death is always a sad affair, every life is precious. Forgive me, my lady, but I saw no other way. May whatever comes after this life free you from the fears that drove you to these ends.” Taiyama shut Marjolaine’s eyes reverently. “Rest in peace.” He clasped his hands together and said a quick prayer.
Taiyama stood up wordlessly and led the way outside. Leliana followed, tears beginning to form in her eyes.
Why couldn’t I be like him?
Why couldn’t I see Marjolaine off like that? Why didn’t I have the moral fortitude to feel the sorrow that Taiyama did at her passing? He’s such a good man, a great man…he’s so much better than me. He didn’t even have all the good experiences with Marjolaine that I did and he still did that.
Why am I slipping?
What’s wrong with me…?
Help…someone…please…
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Oh, Maker, hear my cry:
Guide me through the blackest nights
Steel my heart against the temptations of the wicked
Make me to rest in the warmest places.
No matter how much she thought that verse or any other verse in the entire Chant, it didn’t help.
She had been staring into the fire for quite some time now, not her usual self by any stretch of the imagination. The normal Leliana would be telling stories, singing, keeping notes to use for the eventual composition of a ballad, or-as she was more and more wont to do lately-talking with Taiyama. The entire camp seemed to lose a great deal of its life and cheer simply by her silence.
The night around seemed darker and the camp fire seemed less luminous.
“Leliana…”
Leliana jumped, startled from her reverie, and turned to see Taiyama sitting down beside her-she hadn’t even noticed him there.
“Oh, hello, is there something you wanted to talk about…?” Leliana asked, though she realized it was silly to even ask.
“I’d…” Taiyama struggled to find the right words, “I’d like to talk about what happened today.”
“It’s…It’s nothing, I’m fine.” Lies. “I’m just thinking.”
“What about?” Taiyama gently prodded.
“I can’t get what happened out of my head. I’d been in Lothering for years and she still thought I was plotting against her. She didn’t trust me…maybe she never did…” Leliana felt like she was being stabbed in the heart just thinking about that. “She loved me when she could use me and control me, and now that she can’t she wants me dead… It…It hurts to realize that I never really knew her.”
Sorrow showed on every facet of Taiyama’s features. “Is there anything I can do to help…?” he asked, wanting with all his soul to be able to do so.
“You’re already helping so much by listening to me, Taiyama.” Leliana sighed. “I knew she was ruthless but I didn’t know how far she could go. She is self-serving…cruel… She uses people then discards them but that’s how she survives in the life she leads. What if she’s right…? What if we’re the same?! I…I should have just stayed in the Chantry,” Leliana said, longing for the peace, quiet, and perhaps ignorance of her true nature that the Chantry represented to her.
“But you said the Maker wanted you to leave, Leliana…”
“I could have been wrong about the Maker. I-I know you doubt me sometimes.” Leliana could feel her throat turn dry and her eyes well up with tears as the pent-up emotions poured out of her. “Maybe you’re right! Maybe I just tell myself He’s there…to console myself, to know someone’s watching out for me, to know I’m not alone!”
The tears started flowing freely now. First one, then two, then a steady stream down her face-once unblocked, unable to be dammed again. Taiyama immediately pulled Leliana into an embrace, struggling to keep from crying himself.
“You’re not alone, Leliana. Not while I’m alive…”
Leliana sobbed softly and hugged Taiyama back, burying her crying eyes in his shoulder. “But I was. I was alone and desperate when I fled to Ferelden. I went to the only place I knew would take me!”
The two held each other for a few minutes that seemed to stretch for an eternity while Leliana let herself cry in someone else’s arms for the first time in many years. All of their companions pretended not to notice and went on with their nightly routines, knowing that Taiyama was likely the only one who could fix this. Leliana cried until her tears were spent and then let Taiyama go.
Leliana sat back on the stump that had been her seat, gazing into the fire and wiping the remains of the tears from her face. “Sorry…”
Taiyama smiled softly. “No, it’s all right.”
Leliana gazed into the fire for a minute, gathering her thoughts before continuing. “I forgot my life as a bard while in the Cloister, I felt safe. I didn’t have to watch my back all the time. That’s what made Marjolaine the person she is, don’t you see? It ruined her.” A pause, then a statement of her greatest fear. “It will ruin me too. It’s already happened. When we killer her, I…I enjoyed it. Seeing her dead gave me satisfaction.”
“She did you a great injustice, Leliana…”
“But that is no reason to rejoice over her death. That is what she would do, I don’t want that.” Leliana frowned deeply. “What we’re doing…what we’ve done… Hunted men down…killed them… Part of me loves it. It invigorates me and this scares me. I…I feel myself slipping.”
Taiyama put his hands on Leliana’s shoulders and looked into his eyes. “You are a good person, Leliana. You always will be.”
He said it with such confidence, too. Like he was stating an immutable law of the universe.
“How can you be so sure…?”
“Evil doesn’t worry about not being good, Leliana.” Taiyama smiled. “You don’t think I didn’t feel the same sense of satisfaction when Marjolaine died? She was threatening you, one of my best friends, and I wanted her dead so you wouldn’t be hurt.”
“But…but you treated her so kindly after she was dead.”
“I know. Leliana, you are not what you feel. We can’t control our feelings, they are separate from us. You are what you do, what you choose. Me? Even though I was glad to see Marjolaine gone, I chose to be respectful to the dead. That choice defined who I am, not what I felt inside. You’re no different. You left Lothering, your home for many years, to travel with me and defend Ferelden from the Blight. That is who you are, Leliana. You are a good person and that will never change because no matter what you feel, I have faith that you will always do what’s right.”
Leliana’s lips drew up into a smirk then slowly grew into a wide smile. “That…that is true. I can always trust you to show me things from a different perspective. I would like to be alone for now. I have many things to consider. …Thank you for listening to me, Taiyama.”
Taiyama smiled that crooked smile of his. “My pleasure, my lady.”
Taiyama let go of Leliana’s shoulders, stood up, and walked over to his tent.
He really is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.
Author’s note: I’m actually rather proud of this chapter. I feel pretty good. What do you guys think?
Also, any fanartists who are bored enough feel like drawing the part where Leliana cries into Taiyama’s shoulder? You can find pictures of Taiyama here: http://social.bioware.com/forum/1/topic/97/index/731418/2#937022 I can’t say I’ll offer any rewards but it’s just an idea if you’re bored enough. I certainly want to see it if anyone does it.