...sleep evades me
I knew it would be hard. I just didn't expect it to be this hard. It is the kind of hard where you wake up in the middle of the night and for one brief moment you're still swaddled in dreams and everything is right in the world and then...you remember.
It is the kind of hard that makes me dial my mother's cell phone number to ask how he is and right when I'm about to hit send I remember I don't have a reason to ask anymore.
It is hard.
Too hard.
It is painful and infuriating at the same time. I find myself thinking it isn't fair before I can talk myself out of thinking that way. I find myself hating people who say "he's no longer suffering" or "he's in a better place now". I don't want to hate those that are only wishing me well, but for the sheer sake of not wanting to hear the common platitudes, I find I do.
How can there be a better place than being surrounded by your loved ones? I'm sure there is - I'm just lacking a perspective on it right now.
I selfishly want him back. I want to hear his advice and his laugh and the way he could take a funny story and make it ten times funnier.
I feel far too young to live out the rest of my life without him. And that just bites.
It is the kind of hard that makes me dial my mother's cell phone number to ask how he is and right when I'm about to hit send I remember I don't have a reason to ask anymore.
It is hard.
Too hard.
It is painful and infuriating at the same time. I find myself thinking it isn't fair before I can talk myself out of thinking that way. I find myself hating people who say "he's no longer suffering" or "he's in a better place now". I don't want to hate those that are only wishing me well, but for the sheer sake of not wanting to hear the common platitudes, I find I do.
How can there be a better place than being surrounded by your loved ones? I'm sure there is - I'm just lacking a perspective on it right now.
I selfishly want him back. I want to hear his advice and his laugh and the way he could take a funny story and make it ten times funnier.
I feel far too young to live out the rest of my life without him. And that just bites.