fiddy
i feel kinda embarassed posting this since everybody else's "fifty things" were like a line each, so don't feel obligated to read this whole monster of an entry.
fifty long-winded things you probably didn't know about me (until now!)
1. before i close the lid of the washing machine, i almost always stand and watch the water fill up and the clothes start sloshing around. i just think it's really interesting.
2. one summer i stayed indoors for a week, and when i went outside i could really feel the sun on my skin and feel the pressure of the sky above me pushing down and i could feel myself moving through the air. it was like realizing how deep the ocean really is when you're floating in it, except, ya know, up instead of down.
3. i don't like getting in water, or driving over it, and even touching the ocean makes me a little weird-feeling inside. it's just way too much.
4. i didn't know the meaning of being "passionate about something" until i decided to become a musician. i am soo thankful that God made such a thing as music and gave me the ability to create it. it sounds ridiculious that rock songs have meant so much to me but well-crafted lyrics can be more honest than words alone ever could.
5. i'm not freakishly against killing insects but i usually take extreme measures to carry them outside and release them. if i have to kill one i pray a small prayer for forgiveness and i pray for the insect. not because i think it's a sin (eh...technically) but just because that's killing. i wouldn't just pick up a squirrel and break its neck because it was in my way.
6. i really like wheat pennies. i don't collect them necessarily, but i save them and i have some in my wallet. i think it's fascinating how old they are and i like thinking about all the places they've been. plus wheat is neat.
7. i have self-image problems and i hate my body. i think it is disgusting and i don't think this is what God intended Man to look like. i truly internally despised myself until i heard a self-help radio program last year and i realized the terrible thoughts that would run through my mind and how damaging it was to hate yourself. i have drastically changed (mentally) since then and i've overcome a certain aspect of my self-image but i have a long road ahead.
8. 8 is my favorite number : )
9. i don't really want to live in new york city. if i wasn't going to be a musician, there's no way i would move there. i have a whole other dreamlife in my mind that i think about sometimes and i wonder if i'm making the wrong decision to move to nyc. my dreamlife seems more "me" and i don't want to end up living a lie.
10. i'm a very patient, empathetic, loving person. i've already come to terms with how conceited that sounds, but it's true. i've had role models like my dad, noa, and jesus who have taught me by example how to be a better person.
11. i spend so much time talking to people about how they feel about things and digging through their mind that i remain emotionally distant and if they really thought about it, they'd realize they know hardly anything about me.
12. i haven't come to terms with the fact that noa and i aren't together. not in the romantic longing for a love-once-lost way, but i don't know how i loved her so much and why we still think each other are the most beautiful people but we don't want to be together. [presumptuously speaking for her on both counts, of course.] she's like a part of me. i can't just cut off my arm or stop caring about it.
13. it's so scary watching my parents get older. please God let me show them how much i love them.
14. i lovelovelove my best friend andy. he and i were made for each other and it's beautiful to think about knowing him for the rest of my life and sharing our lives together.
15. when i write or speak, i am very calculating about the words i use. i like learning about words and etymology, so i choose words based on the exact shade of meaning i'm trying to convey. in anything more important than a regular conversation, i consciously edit out "um"s and "uh"s from my speech and form clear sentences, and when i write, i look up the meanings of words just to make sure i'm saying exactly what i'm trying to.
16. i have some kind of ESP. honestly i think everyone does if they learn to pay attention to it. whether it's angels whispering in our ears, the Holy Spirit guiding us, or just our brains picking up on something that we can't always comprehend, i think some sort of sixth-sense exists. i can feel when people i'm close to are scared or sad, no matter how far away they are, and i used to be able to see little bits of the future, but that kinda went away.
17. i think honesty is beautiful. i really respect it when people say exactly what they mean, no matter how incomplete or wrong it is. it's easier to interact on an honest level instead of trying to dig through layers of acting that humans use to hide themselves from each other. we are all the same, and i love you. you can bare yourself to me.
18. i smile at and make eye contact with almost every person i see. like i said, we're all the same--i know you are hurting and i know how much an honest smile can lift up your soul.
19. i thoroughly research any big purchase i make (and most of the small ones, too). i get online and read reviews and technical specs and learn about all the various options and what they mean and how they work, then i spend lots of time mentally comparing the pros and cons of all my different choices and the ethical concerns related to my purchase. for unnecessary luxury items, i wait a sufficient amount of time (sometimes a few weeks or up to a year) to mentally make sure that i still want whatever it is. i'm definitely the complete opposite of an impulse buyer.
20. learning is amazing. it leaves me starry-eyed and breathless to think that i can combine multiple things i've learned in random ways over the years to accomplish something or discover something else new in the future. i think life is made more rich the more you know. finding out how your ipod works, what makes a bruise change colors, or reading the story of a serial killer may not be directly useful, but they lead to more and more opportunities to expand your mind and apply that knowledge in new ways you never would have imagined.
21. i think childish innocence is one of the truest forms of God or Man that you will see in this world. conversely, i believe innocence being taken advange of or manipulated is the truest form of Sin you will see.
22. when i hear people talking about sports or tv shows or commercials, my mind just cannot remain interested and my eyes probably glaze over. i don't know why, and i really wish i was more sensitive in this area, but i really do just think it's idiotic.
23. i see people's interactions on a very basic level. i didn't realize this was unique until i started seeing that other people just didn't get it. stuff like Christians thinking that people just hate Christianity for no reason instead of realizing that the people they're talking to are hurting and scared and have been deceived in the past by promises or even religion. or thinking that Jimmy FratBoy is just a prick when he is really just trying to overcome all the times when he was little and his dad called him a sissy and hit him. or how people are so quick to call girls sluts when they dress in revealing clothes when they're just trying to get someone's attention and get the love they've never gotten from anyone. of course it's not always this simplistic, but everyone should start looking deeper than surface level--there is always something more to be discovered.
24. my papaw died when i was only ten or so, but i love him so much and i miss him and think about him a lot. i don't reminisce about things we did together (because he lived five hours away even when he was alive), but moreso i think about what he was like. my parents say he and i were really, really similar, and that i act like him without even knowing it. i play using his guitars (which are way more expensive than i could ever have hoped to play) and i feel like i am connected to him through them. they are my most prized possessions.
25. both of my grandmas died after having alzheimer's for years. my one grandma (wife of previously-mentioned-papaw) lived with us until she got so bad that she had to go to an assisted living home that our friend started in her house. alzheimer's is usually just used in a joke and people just think it's being absentminded and becoming a goofy old person...it is a disgusting, horrible disease and it killed me to live through it. as i was becoming a teenager, i watched my grandmas slowly change from normal to forgetful to unable to go to the bathroom by themselves to screaming through the night to not being able to move and having to have someone feed them. it was the most terrible time of my life and i've never told anyone how deep it still hurts.
26. my mom was a nurse for 10 years before she had me, so i grew up in a house where it was completely normal to talk about disease and death and i learned how to not be embarassed or scared of that side of life. i'm very thankful that she raised me that way because i didn't realize how repressed all you other people were until i saw adults who didn't understand their body or giggled about body parts or didn't understand disease transmission or privacy. because of her i'm the one who is level-headed in emergencies and knows the procedures necessary to handle situations.
27. i hate comedy and people tearing each other down with insults. making jokes and being sarcastic just covers up true emotion and hurts people instead of building them up.
28. i'm an only child
29. i adore the greyhound bus. every time i see one i get excited inside and i can't wait to ride one somewhere again. there's no way i could convey how amazing it is. don't be mistaken, i don't mean amazing in a good way...more like i'm amazed that there is this third-world-style method of transportation in the united states.
30. i used to make fun of people who whined about needing their morning coffee just to feel alive but now i am nearly-addicted to caffeinated energy drinks and i craaaaave them sometimes. i love the kinda drugged-up feeling of being soo awake.
31. i don't really get tired very often. i'm used to staying up for long periods of time, and i can usually muster some more energy at any hour of the day if i need to. i think less of people who complain about how tired they are and say that they need to get enough sleep.
32. i was in the gifted classes/programs in school. i'm not going to say i'm "highly intelligent," because i think everyone has the capacity to learn in different ways, but i just have the kind of brain that makes it easy to learn things. school was easy and i didn't have to try at all...i can just absorb stuff and remember it easily. i practice using my mind in new ways and organizing information in there (kinda like how you don't remember all the individual numbers in a phone number; you remember clusters of digits)
33. my parents are a little upset that i'm not going any higher with my education due to the reasons in #32. just because i could do anything with my brain, they think i should do everything.
34. i broke down crying for the first time in a year while i was writing #25.
35. i try to be very honest in real life about my feelings/opinions/emotions. when the choice comes to lie or tell the truth, i mentally push myself to be truthful and practice what i preach. sometimes people are taken aback by things i say but they also become much more real when they realize it's ok to be vulnerable around me and i'm not going to make fun of them or act like i'm better than them.
36. i'm a vegan
37. i'm still technically a virgin. but then again my roommate is in the same boat but doesn't consider himself a virgin. so maybe i'm really just a virgin with some 'splaing to do.
38. i don't regret it (yet?). but i guess i also haven't had to own up to it and look my next-gf in the eyes while i tell her about it.
39. i really love listening to the radio. talk shows on NPR, college radio stations, pirate stations, online radio, oldies stations, or even my guilty pleasure--commercial rap stations.
40. i grew more in my faith by being a religion minor in college than i have by going to church. i learned about jesus and became closer to him and learned more about what i truly believed by taking classes that challenged my faith, and i miss it. if i went back to school for anything, it would be to study religion.
41. i majored in linguistics. that's the study of how language works. kinda like philosophy/psychology of language. i really liked it.
42. i'm pretty scared about meeting/dating/courting/proposing to a girl. that's a heck of a lot of work, and i don't really feel like doing it. i'm used to being alone, and i'm perpetually in transition, so i don't really want to be tied to someone else and mess their life up.
43. i honestly think adblock for firefox is one of the best programs ever written. surfing the web without it is painful because you realize how overwhelmed you are with ads. you don't know how much you are being mentally violated until you have a program that kills all advertising.
44. i haven't watched tv for almost two years, and i hope to never have cable again. i can usually watch movies, but tv shows and especially commercials move way too fast and they hurt my brain because i'm not used to being assaulted by light and sound.
45. but i am thoroughly addicted to the internet. having the ability to walk over a knowledge box and learn about anything at any time is like a dream come true for someone like me.
46. i respect my dad very much. his outlook on life and the way he treats other people inspires me to be more like him and be a good and caring person even when no one is watching.
47. tetris is my favorite video game. followed by earthbound for snes
48. i'm careful about how i use the word "depressed" now that i have been through depression. i'm "in a bad mood" a lot more now instead of saying i'm "depressed." it's like how we so carelessly say we're hungry when we have no idea what hunger is.
49. i want to be able to express to God how thankful i am (or how thankful i should be) for just my life and this world. it's really neat and awesome but there's soo much going on that i get so easily distracted. i guess You understand but i feel like i'm missing out on what You intended this life to be. i love You, somehow.
50. i'm sorry this list became so ridiculously long.
fifty long-winded things you probably didn't know about me (until now!)
1. before i close the lid of the washing machine, i almost always stand and watch the water fill up and the clothes start sloshing around. i just think it's really interesting.
2. one summer i stayed indoors for a week, and when i went outside i could really feel the sun on my skin and feel the pressure of the sky above me pushing down and i could feel myself moving through the air. it was like realizing how deep the ocean really is when you're floating in it, except, ya know, up instead of down.
3. i don't like getting in water, or driving over it, and even touching the ocean makes me a little weird-feeling inside. it's just way too much.
4. i didn't know the meaning of being "passionate about something" until i decided to become a musician. i am soo thankful that God made such a thing as music and gave me the ability to create it. it sounds ridiculious that rock songs have meant so much to me but well-crafted lyrics can be more honest than words alone ever could.
5. i'm not freakishly against killing insects but i usually take extreme measures to carry them outside and release them. if i have to kill one i pray a small prayer for forgiveness and i pray for the insect. not because i think it's a sin (eh...technically) but just because that's killing. i wouldn't just pick up a squirrel and break its neck because it was in my way.
6. i really like wheat pennies. i don't collect them necessarily, but i save them and i have some in my wallet. i think it's fascinating how old they are and i like thinking about all the places they've been. plus wheat is neat.
7. i have self-image problems and i hate my body. i think it is disgusting and i don't think this is what God intended Man to look like. i truly internally despised myself until i heard a self-help radio program last year and i realized the terrible thoughts that would run through my mind and how damaging it was to hate yourself. i have drastically changed (mentally) since then and i've overcome a certain aspect of my self-image but i have a long road ahead.
8. 8 is my favorite number : )
9. i don't really want to live in new york city. if i wasn't going to be a musician, there's no way i would move there. i have a whole other dreamlife in my mind that i think about sometimes and i wonder if i'm making the wrong decision to move to nyc. my dreamlife seems more "me" and i don't want to end up living a lie.
10. i'm a very patient, empathetic, loving person. i've already come to terms with how conceited that sounds, but it's true. i've had role models like my dad, noa, and jesus who have taught me by example how to be a better person.
11. i spend so much time talking to people about how they feel about things and digging through their mind that i remain emotionally distant and if they really thought about it, they'd realize they know hardly anything about me.
12. i haven't come to terms with the fact that noa and i aren't together. not in the romantic longing for a love-once-lost way, but i don't know how i loved her so much and why we still think each other are the most beautiful people but we don't want to be together. [presumptuously speaking for her on both counts, of course.] she's like a part of me. i can't just cut off my arm or stop caring about it.
13. it's so scary watching my parents get older. please God let me show them how much i love them.
14. i lovelovelove my best friend andy. he and i were made for each other and it's beautiful to think about knowing him for the rest of my life and sharing our lives together.
15. when i write or speak, i am very calculating about the words i use. i like learning about words and etymology, so i choose words based on the exact shade of meaning i'm trying to convey. in anything more important than a regular conversation, i consciously edit out "um"s and "uh"s from my speech and form clear sentences, and when i write, i look up the meanings of words just to make sure i'm saying exactly what i'm trying to.
16. i have some kind of ESP. honestly i think everyone does if they learn to pay attention to it. whether it's angels whispering in our ears, the Holy Spirit guiding us, or just our brains picking up on something that we can't always comprehend, i think some sort of sixth-sense exists. i can feel when people i'm close to are scared or sad, no matter how far away they are, and i used to be able to see little bits of the future, but that kinda went away.
17. i think honesty is beautiful. i really respect it when people say exactly what they mean, no matter how incomplete or wrong it is. it's easier to interact on an honest level instead of trying to dig through layers of acting that humans use to hide themselves from each other. we are all the same, and i love you. you can bare yourself to me.
18. i smile at and make eye contact with almost every person i see. like i said, we're all the same--i know you are hurting and i know how much an honest smile can lift up your soul.
19. i thoroughly research any big purchase i make (and most of the small ones, too). i get online and read reviews and technical specs and learn about all the various options and what they mean and how they work, then i spend lots of time mentally comparing the pros and cons of all my different choices and the ethical concerns related to my purchase. for unnecessary luxury items, i wait a sufficient amount of time (sometimes a few weeks or up to a year) to mentally make sure that i still want whatever it is. i'm definitely the complete opposite of an impulse buyer.
20. learning is amazing. it leaves me starry-eyed and breathless to think that i can combine multiple things i've learned in random ways over the years to accomplish something or discover something else new in the future. i think life is made more rich the more you know. finding out how your ipod works, what makes a bruise change colors, or reading the story of a serial killer may not be directly useful, but they lead to more and more opportunities to expand your mind and apply that knowledge in new ways you never would have imagined.
21. i think childish innocence is one of the truest forms of God or Man that you will see in this world. conversely, i believe innocence being taken advange of or manipulated is the truest form of Sin you will see.
22. when i hear people talking about sports or tv shows or commercials, my mind just cannot remain interested and my eyes probably glaze over. i don't know why, and i really wish i was more sensitive in this area, but i really do just think it's idiotic.
23. i see people's interactions on a very basic level. i didn't realize this was unique until i started seeing that other people just didn't get it. stuff like Christians thinking that people just hate Christianity for no reason instead of realizing that the people they're talking to are hurting and scared and have been deceived in the past by promises or even religion. or thinking that Jimmy FratBoy is just a prick when he is really just trying to overcome all the times when he was little and his dad called him a sissy and hit him. or how people are so quick to call girls sluts when they dress in revealing clothes when they're just trying to get someone's attention and get the love they've never gotten from anyone. of course it's not always this simplistic, but everyone should start looking deeper than surface level--there is always something more to be discovered.
24. my papaw died when i was only ten or so, but i love him so much and i miss him and think about him a lot. i don't reminisce about things we did together (because he lived five hours away even when he was alive), but moreso i think about what he was like. my parents say he and i were really, really similar, and that i act like him without even knowing it. i play using his guitars (which are way more expensive than i could ever have hoped to play) and i feel like i am connected to him through them. they are my most prized possessions.
25. both of my grandmas died after having alzheimer's for years. my one grandma (wife of previously-mentioned-papaw) lived with us until she got so bad that she had to go to an assisted living home that our friend started in her house. alzheimer's is usually just used in a joke and people just think it's being absentminded and becoming a goofy old person...it is a disgusting, horrible disease and it killed me to live through it. as i was becoming a teenager, i watched my grandmas slowly change from normal to forgetful to unable to go to the bathroom by themselves to screaming through the night to not being able to move and having to have someone feed them. it was the most terrible time of my life and i've never told anyone how deep it still hurts.
26. my mom was a nurse for 10 years before she had me, so i grew up in a house where it was completely normal to talk about disease and death and i learned how to not be embarassed or scared of that side of life. i'm very thankful that she raised me that way because i didn't realize how repressed all you other people were until i saw adults who didn't understand their body or giggled about body parts or didn't understand disease transmission or privacy. because of her i'm the one who is level-headed in emergencies and knows the procedures necessary to handle situations.
27. i hate comedy and people tearing each other down with insults. making jokes and being sarcastic just covers up true emotion and hurts people instead of building them up.
28. i'm an only child
29. i adore the greyhound bus. every time i see one i get excited inside and i can't wait to ride one somewhere again. there's no way i could convey how amazing it is. don't be mistaken, i don't mean amazing in a good way...more like i'm amazed that there is this third-world-style method of transportation in the united states.
30. i used to make fun of people who whined about needing their morning coffee just to feel alive but now i am nearly-addicted to caffeinated energy drinks and i craaaaave them sometimes. i love the kinda drugged-up feeling of being soo awake.
31. i don't really get tired very often. i'm used to staying up for long periods of time, and i can usually muster some more energy at any hour of the day if i need to. i think less of people who complain about how tired they are and say that they need to get enough sleep.
32. i was in the gifted classes/programs in school. i'm not going to say i'm "highly intelligent," because i think everyone has the capacity to learn in different ways, but i just have the kind of brain that makes it easy to learn things. school was easy and i didn't have to try at all...i can just absorb stuff and remember it easily. i practice using my mind in new ways and organizing information in there (kinda like how you don't remember all the individual numbers in a phone number; you remember clusters of digits)
33. my parents are a little upset that i'm not going any higher with my education due to the reasons in #32. just because i could do anything with my brain, they think i should do everything.
34. i broke down crying for the first time in a year while i was writing #25.
35. i try to be very honest in real life about my feelings/opinions/emotions. when the choice comes to lie or tell the truth, i mentally push myself to be truthful and practice what i preach. sometimes people are taken aback by things i say but they also become much more real when they realize it's ok to be vulnerable around me and i'm not going to make fun of them or act like i'm better than them.
36. i'm a vegan
37. i'm still technically a virgin. but then again my roommate is in the same boat but doesn't consider himself a virgin. so maybe i'm really just a virgin with some 'splaing to do.
38. i don't regret it (yet?). but i guess i also haven't had to own up to it and look my next-gf in the eyes while i tell her about it.
39. i really love listening to the radio. talk shows on NPR, college radio stations, pirate stations, online radio, oldies stations, or even my guilty pleasure--commercial rap stations.
40. i grew more in my faith by being a religion minor in college than i have by going to church. i learned about jesus and became closer to him and learned more about what i truly believed by taking classes that challenged my faith, and i miss it. if i went back to school for anything, it would be to study religion.
41. i majored in linguistics. that's the study of how language works. kinda like philosophy/psychology of language. i really liked it.
42. i'm pretty scared about meeting/dating/courting/proposing to a girl. that's a heck of a lot of work, and i don't really feel like doing it. i'm used to being alone, and i'm perpetually in transition, so i don't really want to be tied to someone else and mess their life up.
43. i honestly think adblock for firefox is one of the best programs ever written. surfing the web without it is painful because you realize how overwhelmed you are with ads. you don't know how much you are being mentally violated until you have a program that kills all advertising.
44. i haven't watched tv for almost two years, and i hope to never have cable again. i can usually watch movies, but tv shows and especially commercials move way too fast and they hurt my brain because i'm not used to being assaulted by light and sound.
45. but i am thoroughly addicted to the internet. having the ability to walk over a knowledge box and learn about anything at any time is like a dream come true for someone like me.
46. i respect my dad very much. his outlook on life and the way he treats other people inspires me to be more like him and be a good and caring person even when no one is watching.
47. tetris is my favorite video game. followed by earthbound for snes
48. i'm careful about how i use the word "depressed" now that i have been through depression. i'm "in a bad mood" a lot more now instead of saying i'm "depressed." it's like how we so carelessly say we're hungry when we have no idea what hunger is.
49. i want to be able to express to God how thankful i am (or how thankful i should be) for just my life and this world. it's really neat and awesome but there's soo much going on that i get so easily distracted. i guess You understand but i feel like i'm missing out on what You intended this life to be. i love You, somehow.
50. i'm sorry this list became so ridiculously long.