just breathe..
i just got in a car accident an hour ago. because i'm a jerk and i apparently can't stay within my lane. i have yet to even make a payment on this car. and i just found out i'm not getting a raise at my job which i was promised months ago, the only reason i felt i could afford this car payment in the first place. and i'm supposed to be moving in a few months. and i'm trying to put myself through school.. but how the fuck is that possible if i can barely pay my regular bills?, and then this happens. do i have five hundred dollars to fix it? nope, sure don't. am i probably going to lose my license since this will be my seventh surcharge?.. yup i am. and so just like that... one bullshit thing happens and everything falls apart.
the past couple years have really opened my eyes to the way my parents lived and the mistakes they made.. i am not angry at them anymore.. i understand now how hard it is to live and build a life and a future for yourself when the odds are stacked so high against you.. and they had nobody to help them either.. that's not to say i'm justifying their actions and all the shit they have put my brothers, my sister and i through for their own inability to be stronger than the obstacles given to them.. just that i've seen where they have come from. felt the same things that they have felt and thought. and i understand why they couldn't be better than all that.
but i'm tired of walking in their fucking footsteps. i made a decision a couple years ago that this life wasn't going to erase me the way it did them, and i intend to keep that decision by any means. at this moment in time i have no idea what that is going to entail or how in the hell i'm going to fix all this mess. but i take consolation in the fact that at least things aren't as bad as when i was 18. that was a horrifyingly bad year. and i made it through that, didn't i. i'll do this. if i have to work 4 jobs, and rent a room in a roach motel somewhere and ride a skateboard for a few months, i will fucking do this. i will walk across that stage someday. even if nobody will be there to see it.
i'd give all my possessions for a hug right now..
and all our sins come back to haunt us in the end
to hang around and tap us on the shoulder
and smile, silent. it's all implied:
"you'll die trying to live this down. you might as well forget it."
still, i'm convinced that wondering "what if" is the worst thing there is
and all these lines fall short of what i had in mind
a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling
so i just try and try fail and try and try again
someday, i swear i'm going to get it..
because i'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is
we'll get over it
sad, strong, safe and sober
we'll move forward
and know where we went wrong
but "you can't go home again."
so we bottled and shelved all our regrets
let them ferment and came back to our senses
drove back home and slept a few days
woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be
the past couple years have really opened my eyes to the way my parents lived and the mistakes they made.. i am not angry at them anymore.. i understand now how hard it is to live and build a life and a future for yourself when the odds are stacked so high against you.. and they had nobody to help them either.. that's not to say i'm justifying their actions and all the shit they have put my brothers, my sister and i through for their own inability to be stronger than the obstacles given to them.. just that i've seen where they have come from. felt the same things that they have felt and thought. and i understand why they couldn't be better than all that.
but i'm tired of walking in their fucking footsteps. i made a decision a couple years ago that this life wasn't going to erase me the way it did them, and i intend to keep that decision by any means. at this moment in time i have no idea what that is going to entail or how in the hell i'm going to fix all this mess. but i take consolation in the fact that at least things aren't as bad as when i was 18. that was a horrifyingly bad year. and i made it through that, didn't i. i'll do this. if i have to work 4 jobs, and rent a room in a roach motel somewhere and ride a skateboard for a few months, i will fucking do this. i will walk across that stage someday. even if nobody will be there to see it.
i'd give all my possessions for a hug right now..
and all our sins come back to haunt us in the end
to hang around and tap us on the shoulder
and smile, silent. it's all implied:
"you'll die trying to live this down. you might as well forget it."
still, i'm convinced that wondering "what if" is the worst thing there is
and all these lines fall short of what i had in mind
a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling
so i just try and try fail and try and try again
someday, i swear i'm going to get it..
because i'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is
we'll get over it
sad, strong, safe and sober
we'll move forward
and know where we went wrong
but "you can't go home again."
so we bottled and shelved all our regrets
let them ferment and came back to our senses
drove back home and slept a few days
woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be