for every tear you miss, here's a thousand more

[makeheadsroll]

life is so up and down. one minute i feel ontop of the world, the next i feel digustingly miserable. tonight i had an anxiety attack. i haven't had one in years; it was very scary. i had a million and one emotions and thoughts running through my head; i found myself laying in the shower with the hot water scolding my stomach. i must have been in there for about a half hour before i realized what was going on.

i feel like moving to the city was one of the greatest and worst things that i could do. i hate change. and this is a huge one. sometimes i don't quite feel i'm "at home". none of our (chris and mine) stuff is set up because our bedroom keeps flooding and everything keeps getting wrecked. we dont' have enough money for furniture, so we sleep on a borrowed air mattress upstairs. there's no couchs, we have one blanket now (because the rest were destroyed by the water), and the only stable thing going on now is my job. which, thank god, is amazing.

i hate to say this, but i miss rockland a lot. i miss the usual nights at Gene's house where all we did was sit around smoking cigarettes and watching movies. Gene comes by a lot. he's the only one i see often. and he's the only one who really calls me.

i need something drastic to happen again. huge.