i kinda miss livejournal :(
well my life has been filled with ups and downs. i was diagnosed with somehting called cyclic vomiting syndrome which causes me to get sick every 3-4 months for about 2 weeks. and i dont mean a headache or flu. i mean non stop puking and pain in my tumm tumm and all i can do is sit in the tub, no eat, cant sleep cuz it hurts so bad. but i got fired again from sps. and i ended up waitressing at landing strip and silver cricket for a few months but that didnt work out.. i finally am quitting oc. its been hard, real hard. but im doing it .. thats the first step, its been 3 weeks.. but i find that i cant go a day without somethhing from either a motrin or xanax or even a half of vic.. its weird. joel and i are together still almost 4 yrs haha damnnnnnnnnn... we are happy together for the most part. he had his appendix out so i have been takin care of him :) last night we went out to the st. sebastion carny and a bonfire at his friends which was alot of fun! i love u joelyyy. but yep. ima go just wanted to write some stuff down. oh and rip brian michael dooley. he had passed in october, it was devastating. kevin really was fucked up over it being him and brian were bestfriends since they were like 11 :( but i kevin is doing so good, he's not using any drugs and he even quit smoking and isnt drinking at all! im so proud of him, he's been thru so much and so much stuff has happened to him that would normally make someone just give up, but he never does! i look up to him alot, and i want to be more like him. sometimes i feel like i might not beable to stay quit but i think of kevin as my idol and my guide, and my inspiration!11 I LOVE him so much and im so proud of how smart he is and i think he diserves the best in his life and im so happy we are getting along all the time now! the other day i was home and we talked about so much stuff and it was really cool. he's like a bestfriend not just my brother! i love him to death and i know he feels the same about me! go figure when we were kids we would kick the shit out eachother and now we love eachother and tell eachother it all the time! life at home tho is fucked up. i guess my dad wants a divorce from my mom cuz of his dirty slut gf. he's drinking now mind u he has serosis of the liver and he's smoking and he can barely breathe when he walks all because this bitch wont stay with him unless he leavves my mom... but wtf he shits on my mom and my mom will be fucked if they get divorced plus she's older and she don't have money. shit my dad barely makes anything.. im just so mad my dad is going to risk his life for some whore. we need him alive, if he passed away i would die. i cant imagine it.. i cant even think about it cuz im about to cry. and my mom i cant take it anymore. i feel so bad for her, she's hurting so much, all my dad did was lie to her. .. and she has no one to talk to so i tell her she can vent to me but she feels bad cuz she thinks it will upset me and cause me to relapse.. which sometimes it almost makes me and i think if i had cash i prolly would. cuz i dont know who to talk to ... cuz i dont want to stress kev out cuz i def dont want him getting all bad again.. blah life really sucks right now. i feel bad and selfish cuz i havnt been home in a few weeks.. but i just cant handle that right now. but i know i gotta go there for my mom. so tomorrow i am goin to have joel take me home so i can spend time with her,, i want to yell at my dad but i know it will make it worse. it just really hurts that everytime i talk to my mom which is often she is crying either on the phone or if im at home. and i know it kills her that i see her like that cuz she worries about me oding.. but i dont know sometimes i just want to die. but i cant give up on my brother and my mom. and i know my dad needs me to. to remind him that we love him to not just that slut. and we need him to stay in our lives i want him to see my kids and to walk me down the isle one day. blah no more venting im getting pissed off and really sad :(