My Words s/a
Title: My Words s/a
Author: makeapanicscene
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Spencer
POV: 1st. Ryan
Summary: Ryan is venting on his Livejournal. These are the results (and thinks about if that person is going to ever see his post).
Disclaimer: Okay, seriously, this is not beta'd just because it says it in the text of why.
Author Notes: Based on a true story.
Previous Chapters =)
Okay, basically, I don’t really like to drabble on and on, or vent on lj, but just sometimes you need to do it. I don’t think I’ve written a personal entry on any parts of the journal, so really, sorry if I seem like I’m going to bite your head off. Yeah, sure, I can be really moody at points but it’s the people around that change me. It might be in a bad way, it might be in a good way; it’s just who I am, and how I react to things. This journal is private, and who knows; no one might not even read this damn thing, or hack into it or whatever. I’ve thought hard about how to put this in words and if I should really post this here, but I don’t think the person that this is about is going to look, because he/she might not give a shit about me either. That person and I have talked for more than two years and it seemed like we were going off to a great start, but like I said before, did you ever have someone that actually changed the way you were for a long period of time and you’re always waiting for their emails, updates and so forth everyday? That you can’t get enough of that person and want to be with him/her even when he/she is so far away but always have a space in your heart no matter where you go? If you know what I’m talking about, seriously, you probably would want to read on.
Everything connects to him/her. And I’m not even going to tell what the gender is. (It’ll ruin the whole idea of confidentially). English is my favorite subject, or I still hope it is, so for right now, I’m not thinking about any punctuation or anything that relates to editing. I’m just letting my thoughts flow so I won’t end up in rehab or dramatic that would make me feel even more worse than I feel right now. I think optimistically, (for most of the time) but there’s a tint of me that would think otherwise. It’s just hard to even forget him/her for even a minute. I even questioned myself if I even like the person and I never wanted to tell my family of what was on my mind. Should I let go, or have the ones that I truly care about me talk behind my back-or just wonder of why I think my orientation isn’t straight-- like those sharp edges that my fingers scroll across at night with the concern of what to say to him/her or just in general. To actually organize my life; to make believe in something that’s nothing like my own. If I feel so hallow, what would help to make me bounce up towards the sky and to never look back of what I didn’t accomplish?
Maybe it’s love, maybe it’s just… I don’t know. Maybe it’s you that’s changing on how I think. Because I can’t think straight. Or all of it is that I can’t stand you around me all of the time and I can’t escape in that clear air that I’ve been struggling to breathe.
So if you’re reading this, reply back because I may not know of what to think anymore. I’m itching for something new that I’ve never believed, known, touched, or experienced. I’m still a kid inside even when you don’t think that. Show me how to love or just how to make sure that I’ll believe in myself, other than people expect me to be.
I’m afraid of things that-no, I’m sensitive. I can’t be torn to pieces all over the place. Just a warning, it’ll make me just want to push you away and to never see you again. But you’ll see me come back for more because I know you’re better than that. I’m better to give people a second chance. Just make time for me. I don’t give myself credit and I have high expectations, and never achieve them. It’s a sad, sad world. And if you don’t understand any of my words, come forward and claim your questions. You’ll get an award. And maybe we’ll reach for the stars forever.
Goodbye for now.
Author: makeapanicscene
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryan/Spencer
POV: 1st. Ryan
Summary: Ryan is venting on his Livejournal. These are the results (and thinks about if that person is going to ever see his post).
Disclaimer: Okay, seriously, this is not beta'd just because it says it in the text of why.
Author Notes: Based on a true story.
Previous Chapters =)
Okay, basically, I don’t really like to drabble on and on, or vent on lj, but just sometimes you need to do it. I don’t think I’ve written a personal entry on any parts of the journal, so really, sorry if I seem like I’m going to bite your head off. Yeah, sure, I can be really moody at points but it’s the people around that change me. It might be in a bad way, it might be in a good way; it’s just who I am, and how I react to things. This journal is private, and who knows; no one might not even read this damn thing, or hack into it or whatever. I’ve thought hard about how to put this in words and if I should really post this here, but I don’t think the person that this is about is going to look, because he/she might not give a shit about me either. That person and I have talked for more than two years and it seemed like we were going off to a great start, but like I said before, did you ever have someone that actually changed the way you were for a long period of time and you’re always waiting for their emails, updates and so forth everyday? That you can’t get enough of that person and want to be with him/her even when he/she is so far away but always have a space in your heart no matter where you go? If you know what I’m talking about, seriously, you probably would want to read on.
Everything connects to him/her. And I’m not even going to tell what the gender is. (It’ll ruin the whole idea of confidentially). English is my favorite subject, or I still hope it is, so for right now, I’m not thinking about any punctuation or anything that relates to editing. I’m just letting my thoughts flow so I won’t end up in rehab or dramatic that would make me feel even more worse than I feel right now. I think optimistically, (for most of the time) but there’s a tint of me that would think otherwise. It’s just hard to even forget him/her for even a minute. I even questioned myself if I even like the person and I never wanted to tell my family of what was on my mind. Should I let go, or have the ones that I truly care about me talk behind my back-or just wonder of why I think my orientation isn’t straight-- like those sharp edges that my fingers scroll across at night with the concern of what to say to him/her or just in general. To actually organize my life; to make believe in something that’s nothing like my own. If I feel so hallow, what would help to make me bounce up towards the sky and to never look back of what I didn’t accomplish?
Maybe it’s love, maybe it’s just… I don’t know. Maybe it’s you that’s changing on how I think. Because I can’t think straight. Or all of it is that I can’t stand you around me all of the time and I can’t escape in that clear air that I’ve been struggling to breathe.
So if you’re reading this, reply back because I may not know of what to think anymore. I’m itching for something new that I’ve never believed, known, touched, or experienced. I’m still a kid inside even when you don’t think that. Show me how to love or just how to make sure that I’ll believe in myself, other than people expect me to be.
I’m afraid of things that-no, I’m sensitive. I can’t be torn to pieces all over the place. Just a warning, it’ll make me just want to push you away and to never see you again. But you’ll see me come back for more because I know you’re better than that. I’m better to give people a second chance. Just make time for me. I don’t give myself credit and I have high expectations, and never achieve them. It’s a sad, sad world. And if you don’t understand any of my words, come forward and claim your questions. You’ll get an award. And maybe we’ll reach for the stars forever.
Goodbye for now.