"... *strings.... strings.... strings*..."
I really didn't want to make this public, but you know what? I'm gonna do it, because I've never been one to hide what I'm feeling, from, well, pretty much anyone. And the few people who read this journal probably don't even care what I'm going to say. Because well, it doesn't seem like what I say really matters all that much. So whatever, I'm just gonna say. Take it how you will. It's just what's going on in my head right now.
I really can't stop thinking about someone. And it's someone I'm suprised to be thinking about. It's not my family. Or my dog. Or even my ex. It's someone new. And I'm confused. I mean, to me, sometimes it feels like this is just my lonliness sneaking up on me. Or maybe it's my cheap attempt at moving on. I really don't know. All I seem to be able to know is that I can't get her out of my head.
And that all it's doing is making me smile. And write like I did 6 weeks ago.
I just don't know how to view it. I know I'm attracted to her. But that's not a big thing, as I've been attracted to many people, many times. Maybe I am into her. Maybe I am. Maybe I like the way she smiles. Maybe I like the way she jokes with customers (I work with her). Maybe I like the way she wears her hair. Maybe I like how she's kind of a bitch. Maybe I like the way she gives me random glances. Maybe I like the way she has a slight lisp when she has her retainer in. Maybe I like how she's modest. Maybe I like how just plain gorgeous her eyes are. Maybe I just like the way she's really intelligent. Maybe I like how she's into some many things all at the same time, and wants to do all of them in college. Maybe I like how she sings to herself when she thinks no one's around. Maybe I like how she notices when I look her, and smiles.
Or maybe this is just me wanting, and liking some attention. But I'm not even sure if it's attention. It could be just me wanting it to be attention.
I hate this stage I'm in. This "in the middle" feeling. I feel like I still want Alex in my life. Like she still is in my life. But I know that I'm not really in her life anymore. And that she doesn't want or need me there right now. She wants her own life. Just like how I want mine. I'll admit it: I STILL LOVE HER. How can I not? I can't just forget her. I don't think I can ever forget her. I mean, does anyone really ever forget their first love? Especially when it was great. And eye opening.
But I just hate not knowing if the way I'm feeling right now; this doubt filled way; is from me feeling or knowing I made a mistake breaking up with her because she was perfect for me. Or if this is just feeling lonely and unwanted. I hate not knowing. I hate not understanding what I'm feeling. I hate it. But maybe me being so unsure says alot. About where I am. And about where the relationship was.
I really don't know what's going in my head. Part of me is even scared of being attracted to someone else. Or maybe I'm scared these are stupid feelings about someone that I'm using as a front for what I'm still feeling for Alex. Because, I still am feeling for Alex. And part of me wants to keep feeling for her. To keep loving to her. To keep dreaming of her. To keep wanting her. To keep needing her. I was the happiest I had ever been while with her. And how do I follow that? How do I cope with not having that?
The thing is, I don't want her to be that. I don't want this new girl (I won't use her name for now for what reason? I really have no clue, but I won't use it) to end up being some rebound thing for me. I wouldn't her to be that. She seems really awesome, and has never even had boyfriend. I wouldn't want to be that horrible disappointment/experience ya know?
Hell, I don't even know if she likes me. At all. I mean, we talk at work and stuff, but who knows. I know she knows I like her because of other females @ Panera having big mouths, but I don't care. At least she knows. At least she knows I have a killer crush on her. Who knows though. She's kind of shy. And dorky (which I'm starting to see as something I like). And still in high school, which... is a little weird for me. But she is a senior, and is probably going to go to BGSU next year, and lives like 5 min away. So I don't know.
I have no clue which part of my cognitive workings to follow.
I guess I'll just have to run with it.
All I know right now is that I like her. I'm thinking about her alot. I feel better when I'm around her.
However I also know that right now I'm: needy, lonely, and a little depressed. But getting better by the day.
I'm finally feeling live again.
And people, the 4 of you who read this, don't take this like it's the way I feel 100%. Because it's not. It's something I've been thinking about. Alot.
I have no idea what I'm feeling right now.
That is all.
I really can't stop thinking about someone. And it's someone I'm suprised to be thinking about. It's not my family. Or my dog. Or even my ex. It's someone new. And I'm confused. I mean, to me, sometimes it feels like this is just my lonliness sneaking up on me. Or maybe it's my cheap attempt at moving on. I really don't know. All I seem to be able to know is that I can't get her out of my head.
And that all it's doing is making me smile. And write like I did 6 weeks ago.
I just don't know how to view it. I know I'm attracted to her. But that's not a big thing, as I've been attracted to many people, many times. Maybe I am into her. Maybe I am. Maybe I like the way she smiles. Maybe I like the way she jokes with customers (I work with her). Maybe I like the way she wears her hair. Maybe I like how she's kind of a bitch. Maybe I like the way she gives me random glances. Maybe I like the way she has a slight lisp when she has her retainer in. Maybe I like how she's modest. Maybe I like how just plain gorgeous her eyes are. Maybe I just like the way she's really intelligent. Maybe I like how she's into some many things all at the same time, and wants to do all of them in college. Maybe I like how she sings to herself when she thinks no one's around. Maybe I like how she notices when I look her, and smiles.
Or maybe this is just me wanting, and liking some attention. But I'm not even sure if it's attention. It could be just me wanting it to be attention.
I hate this stage I'm in. This "in the middle" feeling. I feel like I still want Alex in my life. Like she still is in my life. But I know that I'm not really in her life anymore. And that she doesn't want or need me there right now. She wants her own life. Just like how I want mine. I'll admit it: I STILL LOVE HER. How can I not? I can't just forget her. I don't think I can ever forget her. I mean, does anyone really ever forget their first love? Especially when it was great. And eye opening.
But I just hate not knowing if the way I'm feeling right now; this doubt filled way; is from me feeling or knowing I made a mistake breaking up with her because she was perfect for me. Or if this is just feeling lonely and unwanted. I hate not knowing. I hate not understanding what I'm feeling. I hate it. But maybe me being so unsure says alot. About where I am. And about where the relationship was.
I really don't know what's going in my head. Part of me is even scared of being attracted to someone else. Or maybe I'm scared these are stupid feelings about someone that I'm using as a front for what I'm still feeling for Alex. Because, I still am feeling for Alex. And part of me wants to keep feeling for her. To keep loving to her. To keep dreaming of her. To keep wanting her. To keep needing her. I was the happiest I had ever been while with her. And how do I follow that? How do I cope with not having that?
The thing is, I don't want her to be that. I don't want this new girl (I won't use her name for now for what reason? I really have no clue, but I won't use it) to end up being some rebound thing for me. I wouldn't her to be that. She seems really awesome, and has never even had boyfriend. I wouldn't want to be that horrible disappointment/experience ya know?
Hell, I don't even know if she likes me. At all. I mean, we talk at work and stuff, but who knows. I know she knows I like her because of other females @ Panera having big mouths, but I don't care. At least she knows. At least she knows I have a killer crush on her. Who knows though. She's kind of shy. And dorky (which I'm starting to see as something I like). And still in high school, which... is a little weird for me. But she is a senior, and is probably going to go to BGSU next year, and lives like 5 min away. So I don't know.
I have no clue which part of my cognitive workings to follow.
I guess I'll just have to run with it.
All I know right now is that I like her. I'm thinking about her alot. I feel better when I'm around her.
However I also know that right now I'm: needy, lonely, and a little depressed. But getting better by the day.
I'm finally feeling live again.
And people, the 4 of you who read this, don't take this like it's the way I feel 100%. Because it's not. It's something I've been thinking about. Alot.
I have no idea what I'm feeling right now.
That is all.