Unthinking (Joick; R)
She smiles at him, her face tired, and he ducks his head down and looks at the floor. He’s fidgeting with the hem of his T-shirt like he always does when he’s upset. His mommy calls his name, softly beckoning him closer. “Joseph, come here and meet your new brother,” she tells him gently.
He finally plucks up the courage to take the three steps toward her and his daddy lifts him to sit on the bed with her. He can feel his little heart pounding in his chest the way it does when he runs around in the yard with Kevin.
“Joseph, this is your brother Nicholas,” she says. “Say hi.”
His brow furrows as she turns the little bundle of blankets around in her arms. He’s suddenly afraid of what he’s going to see. When he sees Nicholas for the first time, his breath leaves him in one astonished sigh, taking all his fear with him.
“Nicholas,” he repeats softly, reaching a quivering pinky finger out to poke at the baby’s small fist.
Nick’s hand opens to allow his finger in, then closes over it. His eyes open slowly and stare straight into Joe’s before closing again sleepily. Without thinking, Joe bends his head down and kisses his little brother on the forehead lightly. He’s in such awe of the small boy that he doesn’t even notice Kevin straining to see the baby.
***
He’s six years old and it’s his first day of Kindergarten. He’s ridiculously nervous because he’s never been to school before, not even to day care, and he doesn’t really know any other kids besides his brothers. His mommy told him not to worry, that he would be fine and make new friends, and if he was being honest with himself, he knew she was right. But slightly effeminate six year old boys are rarely honest with themselves in a situation like this.
So he’s standing there on the street corner waiting for the bus, and his mommy is behind him, trying to be encouraging. He stands there with his Barney lunch box clutched in one hand and Nicky’s hand tightly squeezed in the other. He’s so nervous, in fact, that he feels like he needs to hold onto his little brother for support. Even at this age, Nicholas is more level-headed and practical than Joseph.
Kevin rolls his eyes when he glances over at Joseph. “You’re gonna be fine, Joey. Chill out,” he scoffs. Kevin is almost eight, so naturally he thinks he knows everything.
Joseph opens his mouth to retort, but he’s so nervous he can’t really make sound come out. He feels Nick’s tiny fingers squeeze his hand a little tighter for a second, and he suddenly finds his voice. “Shut up, Kevin,” Joe says shakily.
His mommy makes a warning noise behind him, but he’s not really paying attention to her. He’s standing there, wondering how Nicholas knew what to do to make him okay. Joe’s sure that he was never that considerate at age three.
It’s then that he realizes that he quite literally hasn’t been apart from Nicholas in three years, since Nick was brought home from the hospital. His knees start to shake at this thought, and he’s about to open his mouth to ask his mommy if he really has to go to school when the big yellow bus rounds the corner.
“Good luck, honey!” she says, her voice cheerful as she swoops him into a hug and his hand is ripped from Nick’s.
He feels slightly numb at that moment, and he can’t tell why. Once she releases him, he acts without really thinking. He leans down and kisses Nicholas on the forehead and mumbles a few words.
“I’ll be back soon, Nicky,” he tells him softly, terror thick in his voice.
“Love you, Joey,” Nick tells him, reaching up to peck him on the cheek.
Joe doesn’t know why, but he’s suddenly able to swallow the lump in his throat, turn around to the bus full of children, and face his day fearlessly.
***
He’s sixteen years old and he feels like his world is caving in around him. Nicky is in the hospital, and it scares him for reasons other than the obvious. For the first time in Nick’s life, Joe can’t really do much to help. He can’t make the pain stop, and he can’t make the disease go away.
He told his dad that Nick was sick, but that took far too much convincing, and now it might be too late. Diabetes. That’s what’s killing his baby brother. Diabetes. It’s an unstoppable force that can only be slowed down with painful jabs to the finger and the occasional panicked insulin shot to the thigh. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes.
It’s repeating in Joe’s head like a mantra as he frantically shoves his way through the hospital, trying to find his way to his brother’s room. He hasn’t seen Nick since the ambulance took him away, and he just needs to see that stupid mop of curls to know that Nick’s not in some sort of coma. Or worse.
Joe swallows that thought, repressing it painfully, and makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. Finally, he finds the right hallway, and starts down it, practically breaking into a run.
“You can’t go back there. It isn’t visiting hours,” a woman in pink scrubs says, catching his arm in her hand as he rounds a corner.
Joe turns to her with a far dirtier look than he meant on his face and snarls, “I’m family,” before yanking his wrist free and barging into the room.
He feels like the wind has been knocked out of him when he sees his baby brother hooked up to so many beeping machines.
“Oh, Nicky,” he mumbles, his voice breaking as he stumbles over to an arm chair next to the bed and collapses.
He vaguely notices his mother’s purse on the floor and assumes she must have gone to get coffee or go to the bathroom somewhere. Right now, though, that doesn’t matter. Nothing matters as his hand cups Nick’s soft, pale cheek, stroking it lightly. Joe feels bad for thinking it, but he knows that if it were anyone else, even if it were Kevin or Mom or even Frankie, he wouldn’t be freaking out nearly this bad. Because this is Nick. Nick’s always been…like…his or something.
Joe doesn’t really realize he’s crying until Nick’s waking up, reaching a weak hand up to Joe’s cheek to brush off the tears.
“Shh, Joey,” Nick says softly. “I’m going to be fine. I won’t let this get me down. I promise.”
Nick’s words make Joe cry even harder, because, really, his voice just sounds so weak and helpless. Joe’s shoulders are shaking with the force of his sobs now, and he can’t even think through the panic he’s feeling until Nick’s arms are wrapped firmly around his waist, pulling him down. Once he’s in the cocoon of his brother’s warmth and can hear the heart beating persistently below him, he starts to calm down a bit.
“Nicky, I’m so scared for you,” he whispers, allowing his brother’s hands to rub his back reassuringly. “I…I don’t want you to d-d-die.”
“Don’t say that, Joseph,” Nick mumbles into his hair. “Don’t even think it. This isn’t going to kill me, alright? I’m strong. I can fight it.”
Something in Nick’s voice just sounds so honest, so sincere, so determined, that Joe can’t help but believe him. Joe’s head nods slowly, and he silently presses a kiss to the skin of his brother’s neck.
Neither of them notices their mother watching them from the doorway, with a small smile on her face and tears trickling down her cheeks.
***
He’s seventeen years old and he’s sitting in a hotel room, flipping through channels on the television. Their life is so much different than it was, but somehow just the same. Now they live out of hotel rooms, busses, vans. Now they’re Nick and Joe instead of Nicky and Joseph. They trek around the world, playing to crowds of screaming girls. But they still share a room. They’re still best friends. Their family still has church, and everyone still loves music as much as they did when this all started.
Joe sighs in frustration because, really, there are only about ten channels on this TV and he’s already flipped through the sequence about fifteen times. He picks up his phone from the bed next to him and flips it open. He’s browsing his contacts, trying to think of someone, anyone, really, to text when the bathroom door opens and Nick comes out in a billowing cloud of steam.
Joe glances up from his phone several times while Nick is getting dressed without really thinking about it. He realizes he’s staring when Nick turns around to speak, toweling his hair off.
“Joey, what’s it like to be in love?” he asks, and the question catches Joe off guard, because, really, Nick’s still just a kid.
“I-I don’t know, Nick,” he stammers back, his cheeks flushing slightly without him really knowing why. “Why?”
Nick shrugs and walks over to Joe’s bed. He flops down, his nude back falling onto his brother’s legs. “I’ve just never really been with a girl, you know?” he says thoughtfully. “And I think I might like Miley a lot. But I just don’t know what to do. I’ve never even kissed anyone before.”
He turns his head to look at Joe, a few curls falling into his eyes. As always with Nick, Joe acts without thinking. He pulls his legs out from under his little brother’s head and is on his knees hovering over Nick before he really knows what he’s doing.
“I could show you how,” Joe says, his voice coming out in a whisper. For once, though, he doesn’t feel nervous. Not even a little. This is Nick. He can’t feel nervous with Nick. Ever.
Nick licks his lips calmly. “Nothing weird, though, right?” he asks, his voice steady and even. “I mean, this won’t make us weird, will it?”
“Of course not,” Joe tells him, already leaning in closer. “I’m just teaching.”
Nick nods slightly, and they’re close enough now that this causes their foreheads to bump together.
Both boys take a deep breath before Joe closes the distance between them. It’s slow and nervous at first, and a little sloppy on Nick’s end. Their lips are just ghosting over each other’s, barely touching. Joe thinks in the back of his head that it’s probably a good thing they’re not touching more. He would feel much worse about this if he was the one to take Nick’s innocence away like that.
But at the moment he thinks that, Nick makes this sound in the back of his throat. It’s like a whimper, but it’s so much more than that. Joe loses track of where he is and what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with, and all of a sudden he’s groaning far too loudly and deepening the kiss. Their lips are connected for real now; they’re actually kissing, and neither of them seems to want to stop.
Joe slips into his old tricks, nibbling at Nick’s bottom lip with his teeth lightly, and Nick’s hands fly to his hair, clutching tightly and pulling them even closer together. Now that they’re past the awkward first few minutes, Nick seems to know exactly what he’s doing. He’s biting and sucking and Joe’s head is spinning and clouded and overwhelmed. This kiss is like nothing he’s ever felt before.
One of Joe’s hands leaves its spot in Nick’s hair and travels down his body, sliding over the younger boy’s bare torso, coming to rest on his waist. He’s surprised momentarily when Nick’s hands suddenly leave his hair, but then they find his waist. Nick hooks his thumbs through Joe’s belt loops and yanks on them, pulling their lower bodies together firmly.
Joe’s next breath comes out all at once in a deep, husky moan, and Nick takes advantage of his open mouth by sliding his tongue in and rolling over. Now Nick’s hovering over Joe, and Joe can feel that they’re both very hard. Something tells him that he should take the lead here and stop it while he still can, but his judgment is too clouded by Nick’s hands fumbling with his belt buckle.
His arms are snaking around his little brother’s waist, holding their bodies close together and he feels this weird tingling all over his body that he’s never felt before and he realizes suddenly that it’s because for the first time in his life, he feels completely and utterly safe. Joe kicks his jeans off and hears Nick groan above him, when all of a sudden, there’s a sharp, loud knock at the door.
They spring apart as if electrocuted. Joe falls off the bed with a loud thud before frantically scrambling for his jeans.
“Who is it?” he yells, and his voice still has that edge to it that means he really needs to get off.
“It’s mom,” their mother says from the other side of the door. “What are you boys doing in there? Open the door.”
Joe zips his pants and throws on a shirt, running his hands through his hair quickly as Nick dives for the remote and turns on the TV, settling himself on the bed and trying to look normal. Joe opens the door half-way, hoping she won’t try to come in.
She pushes the door the rest of the way open, though, and stands there in the entry way with her arms crossed, her foot tapping. “I heard a lot of noise coming from your room,” she says, giving Joe a calculating look.
He’s self conscious under her gaze, hoping she doesn’t notice his mussed up hair, his swollen lips. It’s silent for a long minute, during which he hears the sound of the television coming from further in the room.
“Why are you wearing your brother’s shirt?” she asks him suddenly.
Joe looks down, realizing too late that the shirt he grabbed to throw on was the shirt Nick was wearing earlier that day. He’s frozen with his mouth open, brain blank. He doesn’t know what to say and he just stares at her dumbly.
“That’s why you heard noise, mom,” Nick’s voice calls from the other room. “Joe stole my shirt while I was in the shower and we were fighting over it.”
Denise nods her head slowly, and Joe can tell that she believes Nick’s excuse. “Alright,” she says, “but I want you boys to calm down and try to get some sleep.”
“Okay, Mom,” they chorus.
“Goodnight, boys. I love you both,” she tells them.
Joe lets his breath out in a sigh of relief as she turns around to leave because they totally just got away with that. But Joe knows how easy he is to read, and he silently curses himself for not waiting until the door had closed behind her, because his sigh makes her freeze in the doorway.
Slowly, she turns back around suspiciously. She walks further into the room this time, seeing Nick sitting on the bed, still half naked, holding a pillow in his lap and looking at her with innocent eyes. She scans the room, looking for anything out of place. That’s when her eyes fall for the first time on Joe’s very obvious erection. She blinks once, her cheeks going very red. She gives him a look that very clearly says “I don’t want to know” before hurrying out of the room without another word.
They look at each other calculatingly. Joe really wants to pick back up where they left off, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to hide behind the excuse of “teaching” anymore because, honestly, Nick is way too good at that already. So he resists the urge to pin his little brother to the bed and climbs into the other, sliding under the sheets fully clothed. He’s facing the wall, but he can feel Nick’s eyes burning a hole in the back of his head.
“Goodnight, Joseph,” Nick says softly, turning off the light.
Joe lays there quietly for a long time before he answers. “G’Night, Nicky.”
By morning, both boys have made an unspoken promise to pretend the night never happened, and they go on about their business.
***
He’s nineteen years old and he just sang to a sold out crowd at Madison Square Garden. They’re back at their hotel, but adrenaline is still pumping through their veins. In the elevator on the way up from the lobby, Kevin and Garbo reenact Joe’s footwork from “Year 3000,” and Joe makes fun of Kevin’s attempt at breaking it down, shooting his elbows out in all directions. Everyone is loud and boisterous and full of energy, and somewhere in the mix of laughs and pushing, Nick and Joe are pushed against each other into the corner of the crowded elevator.
They haven’t touched in almost two years. At least not in the way they did back in that hotel room in a nameless town when Joe “taught” Nick how to kiss someone. So now they’re kind of awkwardly tangled together and Jack pushes Kevin backwards into Joe who is squished even closer to Nick. Joe catches himself with his hands braced on the wall on either side of Nick’s head, and suddenly the elevator can’t get to their floor quickly enough.
No one notices the hurried look in Nick’s eye when the elevator dings at the sixteenth floor and everyone tumbles out in a loud, laughing heap. They’re already halfway to their room, Joe behind Nick, his hand pushing insistently at the small of his younger brother’s back when Kevin calls after them.
“Hey, where are you guys going?” he asks. “We’re all going to hang out in my room for a while.”
“We’re kind of tired,” Nick says over his shoulder, not slowing his pace.
“Yeah,” Joe confirms, “We’re just going to go to sleep.”
“Suit yourselves,” Kevin says, shrugging and turning back to the group.
Nick pulls the card key out of his wallet when they get to the door, but fumbles and puts it in the wrong way. Joe makes an impatient noise and snatches it from his hand, sliding it in the right way and opening the door.
Joe doesn’t even have time to think about asking Nick if he’s okay with doing this again, because as soon as the lock clicks behind them, Nick shoves him roughly into the wall and smashes their lips together. The kiss is wild and animalistic and all that Joe’s wanted to do to Nick since that night he gave his little brother his first kiss.
They haven’t done this in so long, and Joe’s surprised at how much Nick has improved, how much more confidence he seems to have. It makes him wonder just how much experience Nick's had in the past two years, but then Nick bites down firmly on his neck and all thought is wiped from his mind. He groans and lets his head fall back to hit the wall with a loud thud.
Joe doesn’t realize Nick is guiding them to the bed until he falls backward with the younger boy on top of him. The kiss is broken for a few seconds as both boys practically rip their shirts from their bodies. Joe would be lying if he said he hadn’t watched Nick getting dressed many times, so he already has the perfect contours of his brother’s body memorized. But in this situation, with Nick straddling his hips and expertly whipping off his belt, the view is so much more arousing.
“Fuck I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” Nick mumbles, staring down at Joe’s chest admiringly.
The words catch Joe off guard for a moment, because, really, this is Nick. Nick doesn’t curse. Ever. But while Joe is considering this, Nick is taking off his own belt and reaching down to pop the button on Joe’s jeans, and Joe decides that maybe Nick curses sometimes. Either way, he’s not about to protest as his little brother’s hands shimmy their way into his boxers.
He finally plucks up the courage to take the three steps toward her and his daddy lifts him to sit on the bed with her. He can feel his little heart pounding in his chest the way it does when he runs around in the yard with Kevin.
“Joseph, this is your brother Nicholas,” she says. “Say hi.”
His brow furrows as she turns the little bundle of blankets around in her arms. He’s suddenly afraid of what he’s going to see. When he sees Nicholas for the first time, his breath leaves him in one astonished sigh, taking all his fear with him.
“Nicholas,” he repeats softly, reaching a quivering pinky finger out to poke at the baby’s small fist.
Nick’s hand opens to allow his finger in, then closes over it. His eyes open slowly and stare straight into Joe’s before closing again sleepily. Without thinking, Joe bends his head down and kisses his little brother on the forehead lightly. He’s in such awe of the small boy that he doesn’t even notice Kevin straining to see the baby.
***
He’s six years old and it’s his first day of Kindergarten. He’s ridiculously nervous because he’s never been to school before, not even to day care, and he doesn’t really know any other kids besides his brothers. His mommy told him not to worry, that he would be fine and make new friends, and if he was being honest with himself, he knew she was right. But slightly effeminate six year old boys are rarely honest with themselves in a situation like this.
So he’s standing there on the street corner waiting for the bus, and his mommy is behind him, trying to be encouraging. He stands there with his Barney lunch box clutched in one hand and Nicky’s hand tightly squeezed in the other. He’s so nervous, in fact, that he feels like he needs to hold onto his little brother for support. Even at this age, Nicholas is more level-headed and practical than Joseph.
Kevin rolls his eyes when he glances over at Joseph. “You’re gonna be fine, Joey. Chill out,” he scoffs. Kevin is almost eight, so naturally he thinks he knows everything.
Joseph opens his mouth to retort, but he’s so nervous he can’t really make sound come out. He feels Nick’s tiny fingers squeeze his hand a little tighter for a second, and he suddenly finds his voice. “Shut up, Kevin,” Joe says shakily.
His mommy makes a warning noise behind him, but he’s not really paying attention to her. He’s standing there, wondering how Nicholas knew what to do to make him okay. Joe’s sure that he was never that considerate at age three.
It’s then that he realizes that he quite literally hasn’t been apart from Nicholas in three years, since Nick was brought home from the hospital. His knees start to shake at this thought, and he’s about to open his mouth to ask his mommy if he really has to go to school when the big yellow bus rounds the corner.
“Good luck, honey!” she says, her voice cheerful as she swoops him into a hug and his hand is ripped from Nick’s.
He feels slightly numb at that moment, and he can’t tell why. Once she releases him, he acts without really thinking. He leans down and kisses Nicholas on the forehead and mumbles a few words.
“I’ll be back soon, Nicky,” he tells him softly, terror thick in his voice.
“Love you, Joey,” Nick tells him, reaching up to peck him on the cheek.
Joe doesn’t know why, but he’s suddenly able to swallow the lump in his throat, turn around to the bus full of children, and face his day fearlessly.
***
He’s sixteen years old and he feels like his world is caving in around him. Nicky is in the hospital, and it scares him for reasons other than the obvious. For the first time in Nick’s life, Joe can’t really do much to help. He can’t make the pain stop, and he can’t make the disease go away.
He told his dad that Nick was sick, but that took far too much convincing, and now it might be too late. Diabetes. That’s what’s killing his baby brother. Diabetes. It’s an unstoppable force that can only be slowed down with painful jabs to the finger and the occasional panicked insulin shot to the thigh. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes.
It’s repeating in Joe’s head like a mantra as he frantically shoves his way through the hospital, trying to find his way to his brother’s room. He hasn’t seen Nick since the ambulance took him away, and he just needs to see that stupid mop of curls to know that Nick’s not in some sort of coma. Or worse.
Joe swallows that thought, repressing it painfully, and makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. Finally, he finds the right hallway, and starts down it, practically breaking into a run.
“You can’t go back there. It isn’t visiting hours,” a woman in pink scrubs says, catching his arm in her hand as he rounds a corner.
Joe turns to her with a far dirtier look than he meant on his face and snarls, “I’m family,” before yanking his wrist free and barging into the room.
He feels like the wind has been knocked out of him when he sees his baby brother hooked up to so many beeping machines.
“Oh, Nicky,” he mumbles, his voice breaking as he stumbles over to an arm chair next to the bed and collapses.
He vaguely notices his mother’s purse on the floor and assumes she must have gone to get coffee or go to the bathroom somewhere. Right now, though, that doesn’t matter. Nothing matters as his hand cups Nick’s soft, pale cheek, stroking it lightly. Joe feels bad for thinking it, but he knows that if it were anyone else, even if it were Kevin or Mom or even Frankie, he wouldn’t be freaking out nearly this bad. Because this is Nick. Nick’s always been…like…his or something.
Joe doesn’t really realize he’s crying until Nick’s waking up, reaching a weak hand up to Joe’s cheek to brush off the tears.
“Shh, Joey,” Nick says softly. “I’m going to be fine. I won’t let this get me down. I promise.”
Nick’s words make Joe cry even harder, because, really, his voice just sounds so weak and helpless. Joe’s shoulders are shaking with the force of his sobs now, and he can’t even think through the panic he’s feeling until Nick’s arms are wrapped firmly around his waist, pulling him down. Once he’s in the cocoon of his brother’s warmth and can hear the heart beating persistently below him, he starts to calm down a bit.
“Nicky, I’m so scared for you,” he whispers, allowing his brother’s hands to rub his back reassuringly. “I…I don’t want you to d-d-die.”
“Don’t say that, Joseph,” Nick mumbles into his hair. “Don’t even think it. This isn’t going to kill me, alright? I’m strong. I can fight it.”
Something in Nick’s voice just sounds so honest, so sincere, so determined, that Joe can’t help but believe him. Joe’s head nods slowly, and he silently presses a kiss to the skin of his brother’s neck.
Neither of them notices their mother watching them from the doorway, with a small smile on her face and tears trickling down her cheeks.
***
He’s seventeen years old and he’s sitting in a hotel room, flipping through channels on the television. Their life is so much different than it was, but somehow just the same. Now they live out of hotel rooms, busses, vans. Now they’re Nick and Joe instead of Nicky and Joseph. They trek around the world, playing to crowds of screaming girls. But they still share a room. They’re still best friends. Their family still has church, and everyone still loves music as much as they did when this all started.
Joe sighs in frustration because, really, there are only about ten channels on this TV and he’s already flipped through the sequence about fifteen times. He picks up his phone from the bed next to him and flips it open. He’s browsing his contacts, trying to think of someone, anyone, really, to text when the bathroom door opens and Nick comes out in a billowing cloud of steam.
Joe glances up from his phone several times while Nick is getting dressed without really thinking about it. He realizes he’s staring when Nick turns around to speak, toweling his hair off.
“Joey, what’s it like to be in love?” he asks, and the question catches Joe off guard, because, really, Nick’s still just a kid.
“I-I don’t know, Nick,” he stammers back, his cheeks flushing slightly without him really knowing why. “Why?”
Nick shrugs and walks over to Joe’s bed. He flops down, his nude back falling onto his brother’s legs. “I’ve just never really been with a girl, you know?” he says thoughtfully. “And I think I might like Miley a lot. But I just don’t know what to do. I’ve never even kissed anyone before.”
He turns his head to look at Joe, a few curls falling into his eyes. As always with Nick, Joe acts without thinking. He pulls his legs out from under his little brother’s head and is on his knees hovering over Nick before he really knows what he’s doing.
“I could show you how,” Joe says, his voice coming out in a whisper. For once, though, he doesn’t feel nervous. Not even a little. This is Nick. He can’t feel nervous with Nick. Ever.
Nick licks his lips calmly. “Nothing weird, though, right?” he asks, his voice steady and even. “I mean, this won’t make us weird, will it?”
“Of course not,” Joe tells him, already leaning in closer. “I’m just teaching.”
Nick nods slightly, and they’re close enough now that this causes their foreheads to bump together.
Both boys take a deep breath before Joe closes the distance between them. It’s slow and nervous at first, and a little sloppy on Nick’s end. Their lips are just ghosting over each other’s, barely touching. Joe thinks in the back of his head that it’s probably a good thing they’re not touching more. He would feel much worse about this if he was the one to take Nick’s innocence away like that.
But at the moment he thinks that, Nick makes this sound in the back of his throat. It’s like a whimper, but it’s so much more than that. Joe loses track of where he is and what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with, and all of a sudden he’s groaning far too loudly and deepening the kiss. Their lips are connected for real now; they’re actually kissing, and neither of them seems to want to stop.
Joe slips into his old tricks, nibbling at Nick’s bottom lip with his teeth lightly, and Nick’s hands fly to his hair, clutching tightly and pulling them even closer together. Now that they’re past the awkward first few minutes, Nick seems to know exactly what he’s doing. He’s biting and sucking and Joe’s head is spinning and clouded and overwhelmed. This kiss is like nothing he’s ever felt before.
One of Joe’s hands leaves its spot in Nick’s hair and travels down his body, sliding over the younger boy’s bare torso, coming to rest on his waist. He’s surprised momentarily when Nick’s hands suddenly leave his hair, but then they find his waist. Nick hooks his thumbs through Joe’s belt loops and yanks on them, pulling their lower bodies together firmly.
Joe’s next breath comes out all at once in a deep, husky moan, and Nick takes advantage of his open mouth by sliding his tongue in and rolling over. Now Nick’s hovering over Joe, and Joe can feel that they’re both very hard. Something tells him that he should take the lead here and stop it while he still can, but his judgment is too clouded by Nick’s hands fumbling with his belt buckle.
His arms are snaking around his little brother’s waist, holding their bodies close together and he feels this weird tingling all over his body that he’s never felt before and he realizes suddenly that it’s because for the first time in his life, he feels completely and utterly safe. Joe kicks his jeans off and hears Nick groan above him, when all of a sudden, there’s a sharp, loud knock at the door.
They spring apart as if electrocuted. Joe falls off the bed with a loud thud before frantically scrambling for his jeans.
“Who is it?” he yells, and his voice still has that edge to it that means he really needs to get off.
“It’s mom,” their mother says from the other side of the door. “What are you boys doing in there? Open the door.”
Joe zips his pants and throws on a shirt, running his hands through his hair quickly as Nick dives for the remote and turns on the TV, settling himself on the bed and trying to look normal. Joe opens the door half-way, hoping she won’t try to come in.
She pushes the door the rest of the way open, though, and stands there in the entry way with her arms crossed, her foot tapping. “I heard a lot of noise coming from your room,” she says, giving Joe a calculating look.
He’s self conscious under her gaze, hoping she doesn’t notice his mussed up hair, his swollen lips. It’s silent for a long minute, during which he hears the sound of the television coming from further in the room.
“Why are you wearing your brother’s shirt?” she asks him suddenly.
Joe looks down, realizing too late that the shirt he grabbed to throw on was the shirt Nick was wearing earlier that day. He’s frozen with his mouth open, brain blank. He doesn’t know what to say and he just stares at her dumbly.
“That’s why you heard noise, mom,” Nick’s voice calls from the other room. “Joe stole my shirt while I was in the shower and we were fighting over it.”
Denise nods her head slowly, and Joe can tell that she believes Nick’s excuse. “Alright,” she says, “but I want you boys to calm down and try to get some sleep.”
“Okay, Mom,” they chorus.
“Goodnight, boys. I love you both,” she tells them.
Joe lets his breath out in a sigh of relief as she turns around to leave because they totally just got away with that. But Joe knows how easy he is to read, and he silently curses himself for not waiting until the door had closed behind her, because his sigh makes her freeze in the doorway.
Slowly, she turns back around suspiciously. She walks further into the room this time, seeing Nick sitting on the bed, still half naked, holding a pillow in his lap and looking at her with innocent eyes. She scans the room, looking for anything out of place. That’s when her eyes fall for the first time on Joe’s very obvious erection. She blinks once, her cheeks going very red. She gives him a look that very clearly says “I don’t want to know” before hurrying out of the room without another word.
They look at each other calculatingly. Joe really wants to pick back up where they left off, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to hide behind the excuse of “teaching” anymore because, honestly, Nick is way too good at that already. So he resists the urge to pin his little brother to the bed and climbs into the other, sliding under the sheets fully clothed. He’s facing the wall, but he can feel Nick’s eyes burning a hole in the back of his head.
“Goodnight, Joseph,” Nick says softly, turning off the light.
Joe lays there quietly for a long time before he answers. “G’Night, Nicky.”
By morning, both boys have made an unspoken promise to pretend the night never happened, and they go on about their business.
***
He’s nineteen years old and he just sang to a sold out crowd at Madison Square Garden. They’re back at their hotel, but adrenaline is still pumping through their veins. In the elevator on the way up from the lobby, Kevin and Garbo reenact Joe’s footwork from “Year 3000,” and Joe makes fun of Kevin’s attempt at breaking it down, shooting his elbows out in all directions. Everyone is loud and boisterous and full of energy, and somewhere in the mix of laughs and pushing, Nick and Joe are pushed against each other into the corner of the crowded elevator.
They haven’t touched in almost two years. At least not in the way they did back in that hotel room in a nameless town when Joe “taught” Nick how to kiss someone. So now they’re kind of awkwardly tangled together and Jack pushes Kevin backwards into Joe who is squished even closer to Nick. Joe catches himself with his hands braced on the wall on either side of Nick’s head, and suddenly the elevator can’t get to their floor quickly enough.
No one notices the hurried look in Nick’s eye when the elevator dings at the sixteenth floor and everyone tumbles out in a loud, laughing heap. They’re already halfway to their room, Joe behind Nick, his hand pushing insistently at the small of his younger brother’s back when Kevin calls after them.
“Hey, where are you guys going?” he asks. “We’re all going to hang out in my room for a while.”
“We’re kind of tired,” Nick says over his shoulder, not slowing his pace.
“Yeah,” Joe confirms, “We’re just going to go to sleep.”
“Suit yourselves,” Kevin says, shrugging and turning back to the group.
Nick pulls the card key out of his wallet when they get to the door, but fumbles and puts it in the wrong way. Joe makes an impatient noise and snatches it from his hand, sliding it in the right way and opening the door.
Joe doesn’t even have time to think about asking Nick if he’s okay with doing this again, because as soon as the lock clicks behind them, Nick shoves him roughly into the wall and smashes their lips together. The kiss is wild and animalistic and all that Joe’s wanted to do to Nick since that night he gave his little brother his first kiss.
They haven’t done this in so long, and Joe’s surprised at how much Nick has improved, how much more confidence he seems to have. It makes him wonder just how much experience Nick's had in the past two years, but then Nick bites down firmly on his neck and all thought is wiped from his mind. He groans and lets his head fall back to hit the wall with a loud thud.
Joe doesn’t realize Nick is guiding them to the bed until he falls backward with the younger boy on top of him. The kiss is broken for a few seconds as both boys practically rip their shirts from their bodies. Joe would be lying if he said he hadn’t watched Nick getting dressed many times, so he already has the perfect contours of his brother’s body memorized. But in this situation, with Nick straddling his hips and expertly whipping off his belt, the view is so much more arousing.
“Fuck I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” Nick mumbles, staring down at Joe’s chest admiringly.
The words catch Joe off guard for a moment, because, really, this is Nick. Nick doesn’t curse. Ever. But while Joe is considering this, Nick is taking off his own belt and reaching down to pop the button on Joe’s jeans, and Joe decides that maybe Nick curses sometimes. Either way, he’s not about to protest as his little brother’s hands shimmy their way into his boxers.