filthy little secrets

[radioscopy]

{Mao and Zull}
{Cafe}
{Rated PG}



Zull's small habit was starting to become more and more serious. Ever since the accident with Kei, he'd felt increasingly nervous, at least when he wasn't around safe, trusted people. It took him a while before he could go window shopping after school again. And he found smoking helped him relax, and the more nervous he got the more he smoked.

Maybe I should try quitting... he absently thought to himself, standing on a street corner in a rather miserable, cool and damp weather. He stuck a cigarette between his lips and cupped his hands around the tip, lighting it up. Or at least trying. His lighter seemed to have gone out, for no matter how much he shook and clicked it, it wouldn't produce a flame big enough to light the cigarette.

Mumbling curses under his breath, Zull looked around. He stopped the first person passing by, another teenager by the looks of him. "Sorry, do you have a light?" he asked and then paused, realising that he recognised his face.

Mao was startled out of his thoughts by a voice he thought he might recognize. He'd somehow managed to get claustrophobic in Ruki's house and had therefore decided to leave for a few hours, just to get some fresh air and clear his mind. There was really very little to do now that school was out of the equation.

And he was getting chilly, had been considering going home, when that voice called to him. Maybe he was imagining it?

"I don't smoke," he mumbled before turning and looking up at a face he definitely did know, though for a long moment he couldn't remember exactly how.

"Oh," Zull just said in reply, though there wasn't the expected disappointment in his voice. Instead, he sounded and looked thoughtful, trying to remember how he knew this person, who he was... Going through the vault of memories inside his head, a name suddenly popped out to him.

"Mao!" he exclaimed. "Right?" Zull picked the unlit cigarette from his lips and stuffed it away for the time being. The memories of the day they'd met went through his head and suddenly he felt a heavy guilt for practically forgetting the boy. "Oh wow, I wasn't expecting to see you.."

"Y-yeah." Mao's heart jumped. So they did know each other... but how? Did he go to school with this guy or something? God, he could hardly remember anything anymore.

But that wasn't it, so...
oh yeah.

That day, so many months ago, when he'd actually thought he'd made a friend who wasn't Temari or Olivia. Oops.

"And you're... Zull?" Something like that.

A slightly relieved smile spread to Zull's lips. "Exactly," he said. He examined Mao for a while, definitely recognising his face, yet it felt like there was.. something different in him. Well, people tend to change over time, he reminded himself and immediately felt guilty again.

"Um.. Ne, Mao-kun," he hesitantly said. "I'm sorry I didn't.. Well I meant to call you and stuff, but then I.. Um." He averted his eyes, fidgeting a bit nervously.

Sorry? Mao hadn't even considered the idea that either of them had done anything wrong. Perhaps that showed how jaded he was getting. Either way, a slight hint of surprise lit his eyes before he simply shrugged.

"It's okay. I didn't call you, either. I've been... busy."

Yeah. Busy watching his life change for the worse right in front of his eyes.

Zull bit his lip and raised his eyes back to the other boy. "Yeah. 'Busy' is probably a good way of putting it," he hesitantly agreed. It would probably be considered rude to start listing out everything happened that had kept him from taking his phone and calling Mao (like having his cell phone broken for over a month).

"So.. You're not angry?" the boy softly asked. Zull paused for a moment and then continued. "If not, are you busy? Because I'm not and maybe we could.. hang out again or something?"

"No, of course not." Mao was always a little angry at something, but it certainly wasn't Zull. Rather, he was more flattered that the other boy seemed so disturbed over having forgotten to call him. "Yeah, that would be... cool..."

Probably. He could trust Zull, at least enough to be there with him. There didn't seem to be anything remotely harmful about the taller teen. Rather, it was impossible not to like him right off the bat.

"What did you have in mind? I... haven't been here in a long time."

A brighter expression lit up on Zull's face and he clapped his hands together. "I know a perfect little café just close here," he suggested. "The weather is really miserable and I don't want to walk outside like this... And I'll buy you something to drink or eat! That'll be my payback for not keeping my promise to call you." A small tilt of head. "All right?"

Readjusting his bag on his shoulder, Zull tugged Mao along as they set down the street. "Did you go on a trip, or what kept you away from here?" he asked as they walked.

"Oh..." But Zull had already bought him a drink, last time. Oh, well. Mao had learned to stop rejecting other peoples' generosity from Olivia, finally accepting that people didn't really offer to do things they didn't want to do. Especially when money was involved.

"I was just..."

He shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"I dunno. A lot of stuff has happened and I just... haven't come by, except to help my friend pick out stuff for her baby." Probably why they hadn't run into each other again, in fact.

Zull turned to Mao, eyebrows raised. "Baby?" he asked. He blinked at the boy's face. Helping out... He didn't meant it was-- "Uh, is she.. you-- I mean, how old is she?" Real smooth, dork. Slightly embarrassed, he averted his eyes from Mao's face and concentrated on the street ahead of them.

"Ah, over there," he pointed as they turned a corner and the café came into view. Zul led them across the street to the door, letting out a sigh at the welcoming, sweet-scented air of the café.

...Oh. "Uh, she's 19... but it's not mine!" He was so used to people knowing he was gay that he didn't think anyone could even consider the possibility anymore. "She's married to this rich guy who's afraid... of condoms..."

...Time to shut up.

"Oh, this place smells nice." He was blushing and he knew it. No matter how much he changed, he'd always be so socially awkward.

"Oh!" Zull could feel his cheeks warming up and he quietly cleared his throat. "Well... Good." He glanced at Mao from the corner of his eye. "That'd be.. kinda creepy." He didn't want to think about someone of his age as a father.

Once inside the café, Zull let himself smile widely. "Yeah, it's really nice. I think cafés should always be comfy and warm." He gestured for Mao to follow him to the counter where he began to inspect the wide selection of beverages and pastries and cakes. "Would you like something in particular?" he asked.

"Um..." Mao didn't know if he wanted anything at all, really, but he'd assume he did since he hadn't really consumed anything all day after sleeping until noon even though he hadn't gone to bed that late. "What do you recommend?"

Something cheap, hopefully. He hated taking things from other people just because he was usually broke- though now that he could work and actually keep what he earned, that wouldn't be the case. Maybe he'd even remember to pay Zull back.

Zull tilted his head in thought. "Well, they have awesome cheesecake," he said after a while. "And these huge chocolate chip cookies. Would you rather like tea or coffee? Or hot chocolate, too, if you want something sweet." He definitely did. Maybe it was the lack of nicotine in his system, but Zull was craving for some sugar.

Rummaging around in his bag for his wallet, he gave Mao a grin. "I know I'm going for the cookies and chocolate," he said cheerily.

Mao offered a small smile. "I'll have whatever you're having." That seemed easy enough, though that was a lot of sugar. Hopefully he wouldn't get sick.

...Who was he kidding? He never got sick. From anything.

"Thanks, you're... really nice." A small laugh. He was pretty sure he'd met all the nice people in Akachou... though he couldn't a hundred percent trust Zull for a long time thanks to JJ Lin.

Zull shook his head. "Don't mention it," he declined and then turned to the cashier on the other side of the counter and told their orders. Quickly paying for the sweets, he then balanced two steaming mugs of hot chocolate and two plates with some cookies on them on a tray and turned to Mao.

"Mm, pick a free table, would you?" he asked while trying his best to keep the tray steady.

"Yeah." Mao inhaled deeply and sat at the first free table he saw, just comfortable enough not to be nervous even though he usually was around people he didn't know all that well. Maybe he just didn't care all that much what people thought anymore.

"So, um..." He'd never been much of a conversationalist. "How's school going?"

What a stupid topic- especially for him, since he didn't even have an answer for when the question would surely be reiterated.

Zull took a seat at the table and proceeded in setting Mao's drink and cookies in front of the boy. "School?" he asked and made a small face. "Just as... schoolish as always, I guess. I wish I could just graduate already and be done with it."

He took a small bite of one of his own cookies and chewed for a while before returning the question. "How about you? Or, well, has there been something new going on with you in general?" he asked curiously.

And there it was. "I'm, uh... not in school anymore. I dropped out." A slight grimace. It was kind of embarassing, especially since he'd been in the private school and supposedly no one dropped out of there. And he still didn't know how Kyo would react to it.

Not that he had wanted to, really- but thinking about it had made him realize he probably would have failed anyway, all things considered.

"And I... left my house and went to live with my friend. The one with the kid." Why divulge all this? Oh, well; there was really no point in hiding any of it from someone he'd hopefully be able to keep talking to.

Zull stopped eating and stared at Mao. "You dropped..?" he began and then listened with even more wonder at the continuation. Oh, there had definitely been more happening to the boy than he'd thought...

"Umm, did something happen?" Well duh, obviously. "I mean.. Why leave your home?" Even though he had a faint memory that Mao hadn't exactly liked living with his parents..

Mao unconsciously ran a hand over the scar on his left arm. He'd already said too much, and it was all his fault for bringing up such a stupid subject. Granted, everything seemed to remind him of that or Temari or JJ Lin lately but even so.

"It's... a long story." To say the least. One Zull really didn't want to hear, probably. He knew he likely wouldn't want to hear a story like his from someone that was practically a stranger.

"Oh," Zull said quietly. He was curious, admittedly, but he didn't want to make Mao uncomfortable. So he just shook his head briefly. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to," he assured. There was a short moment of awkwardness as Zull tried to think of a way to dispel the gloomy air.

"Um, well, if I remember right, you wanted away from your home anyway, so it's probably a good thing you're living elsewhere?" he finally asked, trying to settle a cheerier smile on his face.

That was very true. Living at Ruki's house was kind of stressful, but he was certainly better off than he had been in a while even if he'd rather be staying with Kyo again. "Yeah... it's pretty cool there... even though my boss lives there, which is sort of strange." A nonchalant shrug, because he liked Reita pretty well and had almost gotten used to the idea that he lived in that house.

"You can visit sometime if you want?" Slightly hopeful, because Mao liked the distraction of visitors and he was reluctant to invite Intetsu somewhere that had drugs hidden in literally every room.

Zull made a slightly incredulous face. "Eeh, you boss?" he asked, then chuckled. "That is definitely strange. Well, if you like it there, it's probably fine..."

He paused for a moment to take a sip of his hot chocolate and then blinked at Mao. "Serious? Of course!" he happily said. "If you don't mind, oh, or your friend," he added.

Mao couldn't help but smile. Zull was like a much smarter version of Intetsu; it was pretty hard to stay depressed around him. "They won't mind. As far as I know, anyone can just ask to go live there for a while and they'll say yes..."

Even if they had shot at their house, as Reita had. Ruki was so fucking weird, though Mao was used to it by that point, and Olivia really wasn't much more normal even if she appeared that way.

"It's weird there, though, I have to warn you. But it's never boring." That was for sure.

Zull had to laugh at that. "Well, weird is always better than boring." He chuckled. "I'd love to come over at some point."

The mug was raised to his lips again and doing so, he noticed Mao had just sat there the whole time. "Hey, don't let your food get cold! You look positively in the need of nutrition," Zull noted. Even though it was mainly just sugar.

Mao looked slightly startled before taking a small bite of his food. He had somewhat of an appetite for a change, which was nice. "I- I do?" Was that an insult or was he just saying something?

...Probably the latter. Zull really didn't seem like the type to insult anyone, ever. He usually tried not to pass judgement but that was a hard assumption not to make.

"...Oh, it is good." He smiled.

Zull tilted his head. "See?" he asked. "You shouldn't let good food go to waste. Especially not when I paid for it." He paused for a moment and then grinned. "Joking, joking."

He turned to his own cookies and drink and spent a while happily chewing away. Mao had already told about stuff going on in his life... It would be only polite to tell something in return. "Umh," Zull mumbled and swallowed before continuing. "Well, compared to you there really hasn't been much going on with me.. Still at school and living with father, unfortunately." Another small face. Really, sometimes he envied Mao, like he envied most teenagers for the freedom they seemingly had.

A light laugh before Mao made a face. School was boring, sure- and so was living at home, but he kind of envied people who had stability, though he was slowly finding it- hopefully. All thanks to Olivia, because no matter what happened to him at least he'd have a place to go. It was nice.

"What year are you in again?" If he was in his third year then he'd be graduating within the next month. The thought was kind of startling- just reminded Mao of how close he'd been to getting towards the end.

"Third," Zull replied. "Which means our teachers are bombarding us with tests and information to make sure we make it through the graduation." He sighed. "And none of it really matters, anyway..."

He fell silent for a moment before looking up at Mao and giving him a slightly apologetic smile. "Sorry." He seemed to always get gloomy when talking about school. He cleared his throat. "We should talk about something happier, I guess," he said.

A small shrug. Mao didn't consider it to be that depressing, especially compared to the things that he found genuinely horrific. Rather, he was slightly envious of the fact that Zull would be on his way to something much better than Mao himself in a month or so. Or, at least, he was assuming so.

"I think it's happy that it's almost over," he said softly. "And then you can leave and get away from your dad's house." He seemed to recall Zull not liking his father very much- or maybe he just assumed that everyone hated their parents.

"Mmh," Zull hummed vaguely. "Except... Well, not really." He paused for a moment and then sighed.

"I'll have to go to a business school after high school.. So that, when father one day is the president of his beloved company," the words were said in a positively poisonous tone, "Then I'll be ready to take over when he retires." Zull stopped, staring gloomily down at his mug. It was the thought of that future waiting for him that drained away all the joy of finishing high school.

...Well, that did sound lame. Though, if Mao had managed to escape what his so-called 'parents' had planned for him, then pretty much anyone could. Olivia had gotten out just fine and, hopefully, so would he.

"You don't have to do that," he murmured. "You can do whatever you want if you just... don't do what he wants." And really, why should anyone do what their parents wanted them to? Especially since it was rarely anything they cared for at all.

Zull just wished it was that simple. Even though his father had kept his hands off him for the time being, he wasn't at all sure if the man would remember his "promise" if Zull dared to talk back at him about something this important. Not wanting to think about it too much, he just hummed in the same vague way.

"I guess... But, there really isn't much else for me," he said. "It's always been decided for me to do that and... well, there isn't really anything I'd specially want to do for a living." He shrugged. "A job is a job, I guess."

"Oh." That sucked. "Well, I guess if you don't mind..." but even if that was the case, he should, because people who used others didn't deserve the benefits they got from it. And even if Zull's father was doing it uninentionally...

Well, not everyone could run away like he did. That was unrealistic; Zull probably didn't have a refuge like Ruki's house- unless he wanted to actually move in there, which would be a little bit bizarre.

"Mmh." Oh, but Zull did mind. But nobody cared if he did. "I should be grateful for what I have, I guess," he muttered. And things had got better after Ryu, right? At least, that's what he kept telling himself.

"I'm being all gloomy again~" He tried to achieve a lighter tone into his voice and the whole conversation. He looked up at Mao and thought for a moment. "Well, speaking of jobs... Do you have anything planned?"

Jobs. Right. In his little life fantasy he'd live with Kyo forever and be a writer and only leave the teacher's apartment every other day or something. But no, it was much more likely that he'd follow Reita's path and get involved with the mob or just become a hermit living some place he had no right to be in.

"Uh, not really. I just kind of work at the video store for now." Mindless, brain numbing work; certainly not what he'd expected himself to be doing. But it was fine, a hundred percent because of Reita and parts of it were sort of fulfilling since he practically kept the place going all by himself.

"Ah, okay... Well, if your boss is nice, it mightn't be so bad," Zull commented. "Who knows, you might really get interested in movies and hit it off in the business." He chuckled. Kinda unlikely, but maybe a joke was in its place. Zull leaned against the table and munched thoughtfully on a cookie.

"Man, we're truly the hopes of the nation, huh?" he said ironically. "No vision for longer than to the next weekend."

Mao smiled dryly. It was so true, but he had never met anyone who was not that way. Except for Temari. Temari probably could have done something big had been born to a different mother.

"Yeah, but that goes for pretty much everyone I think. Even the so-called adults I know..." meaning Ruki, Reita and Olivia, who weren't exactly what society would consider respectable. Not that it mattered; Ruki was richer than God nonetheless and they were all leeching off of him. Or at least that was how it looked.

Zull raised his eyebrows. "Really? Hah, maybe you hang out in a weird crowd.." Well, define weird. "The people around me seem more or less sane." Then again, how many adults did he know? Two, three? Did his teachers count?

And even so, when you took a look at the adult closest to him... Ryutaro, sweet as a strawberry shortcake but with a job you wouldn't like to be known that publicly. Zull cleared his throat. "Or at least they all have jobs to make a living out of," he added.

"Yeah, they do." God, did they ever. "But... it seems like everyone I know has... issues with the law." Mao laughed nervously. Reita had introduced him to more illegal activity than he ever would've liked to be acquainted with, and then there was Ruki... Olivia didn't necessarily due anything illegal but she almost had.

"...Well, not everyone. But a lot." Kyo didn't break the law but he certainly had questionable morals... and then there was sweet little Intetsu, who knew all the wrong people, it seemed- but who was the right kind of person for him?

The nervous laughter was reciprocated by Zull. "Ye~ah. I think.. I know what you're talking about," he half-muttered and ran a hand through his hair. "Well, it's nothing really serious, I guess, but... still."

He shot an almost secretive smile at Mao and busied himself with finishing the cookies and the no-longer-so-hot chocolate.

Mao was suddenly curious, mostly from Zull's demeanor. Not serious? There was no way Zull was involved with criminals as well...

Though, no one would really expect him to be either, would they?

"...What's 'serious'?"

Zull looked at Mao over the edge of his mug. "Um, well." Should they really be talking about stuff like this?

"Well, it's not like.. He doesn't hurt people, or anything." Not directly, at least. "And doesn't get it trouble with the police.." The boy cleared his throat quietly and averted his eyes. Though it was more than dumb luck that Ryutaro hadn't got himself caught yet.

"Oh." A small shrug. "Does he, like... shoplift or something? Cause that's really not that big a deal." That might have been a big deal to Mao a year ago but after all the illegal activity he'd been involved in after getting hired by Reita shoplifting seemed like nothing.

One thing was for certain; he was guessing Zull had never helped anyone hide a murdered corpse.

Zull almost blushed at that. "Not really..." he mumbled. He fiddled his fingers about and chewed on his lip. Maybe it was better not to share information like that. He gave Mao an almost sly look.

"Ask no questions and I tell no lies, or how does that go?" he chuckled and took a bite out of the last cookie. "Anyway, even I'm practically a delinquent since I shouldn't be smoking."

Mao broke out into a small smile. How funny was this? They were probably the least two likely in the world to have the secrets they did- or, at least, that he did. He didn't know what Zull had seen and experienced and probably never would.

"Well, whatever it is..." He rubbed his hands together. "I've probably been involved in much worse." Because there was nothing worse than murder.

Zull raised his eyebrows at Mao. True, he didn't know what the other boy had been through, but he surely hoped it hadn't been as bad as he said. Truthfully, he hoped it hadn't been even half as bad as his own life so far.

"Well, I hope not," he said. "I mean... That'd had to be pretty horrible."

To say the least- though Mao decided it was best to stop assuming that just because Zull seemed like he should be free of the kind of shit Mao had come to know that he was.

"...It is." He took a long, shaky breath. "I guess I can't know for sure what you've seen but I hope it's not the same thing."

And now would be the right time to change the subject but he couldn't think of anything to say.

Zull bit his lip. "Yeah, me too," he said quietly. Wow, he'd done a good job at turning away from the gloomy subject of school and jobs, hadn't he?

And he really did hope that Mao had never got himself beaten or a gun pointed at him. Honestly, it felt appalling for mere teenagers to have to go through something like that... Stop that, now. Think of something else.

"U-um, so. ... Has there been anything else going on?" Talk about lame, he mentally cringed.

"U-uh..."

Aside from Kyo and Temari dying? Not really. He'd already mentioned Olivia's kid and other than that there was nothing in his life he felt like sharing.

"N-no, not really. What about you? Do you, uh... have a girlfriend or anything?" Yeah, that seemed safe enough. If Zull returned the question he could say he didn't have one and it wouldn't be lying at all.

The poor boy almost choked on his cookie. Zull wiped his mouth and looked over at Mao. Now that was suave, he thought sarcastically and immediately shut the inner voice.

"U-um, no..." he stammered. The piece of bakery was rolled around in his fingers and Zull opened his mouth a few times, closing it always before he could say anything more. "No, I don't." He finally just repeated his earlier words and was stuck staring at the table, caught too off-guard by the question to return it.

Mao stared in Zull in surprise at his reaction. Was it that bizarre a question? Maybe something had happened with some girl... or something...?

Or maybe he was with someone he shouldn't be, like Mao was.

"Erm, I don't either. It's... okay?" He coughed. "S-sorry?"

Zull shook his head, slightly flustered. "No, it's fine. I should be sorry for... acting all weird." He laughed rather nervously and ran a hand through his hair. Would Mao notice? Was he so... easy to figure out?

"I-I guess," Zull said, trying to regain his cool and relaxed composure, "Girls and I just.. don't mix, or something."

Mao could understand that. "Yeah, I can just... make friends with them. That's all." Way too easily as well- and that was all he cared to do as far as girls were concerned. But that was something he didn't necessarily want to tell Zull.

Not yet, anyway.

The boy shrugged. "Mm, I guess. Maa, I think they're just too squeaky anyway..." Zull leaned against the table, gathering together his now empty utensils. "And way too obsessed with their looks." Then again, who was he to speak, with his make-up and long hair.

He paused. Was that a bit too much said? Zull glanced up at Mao and gave another slightly secretive smile.

...Did that mean he didn't like girls at all? Mao blushed just a bit, though he wasn't sure why. The idea that he and Zull had so much in common was....

bizarre.

"I- I guess. But the ones I'm friends with are really cool... I just... don't want to be with any of them that way." Too much said? Most likely.

Zull blinked. So he was--

"O-Oh, so you.. I mean.." He trailed off and was left fidgeting slightly in his seat. "I.. know what you mean." Saying like that made it sound like they shared some terrible secret, though, which it really wasn't. Zull wondered, however, which one of them actually figured out the other.

"O-oh. Well..." Mao bit his lip, blush becoming painfully obvious by that point. "Uh... good. That... means I don't have to explain..."

He took a shaky breath, wishing for a moment that at least one part of his life were a little bit normal. From his job to his 'home' to his sexuality... everything was at least partially a secret. It was getting to be mildly frustrating.

Zull shook his head again. "No, it's.. all fine," he said shyly, feeling the heat of a blush on his own face as well. How was this for awkward? The boy briefly touched his cheek. Well, how did the saying go... 'a thief always recognises another thief' or something.

"So um..." Zull leaned his chin on his hands, fingers partially covering his lower face. "Are you... dating, then?" Shut up, shut up, shut uuup~

Dating. "Uh, I...." Fuckfuckfuck. Why couldn't he have just said no and gotten it over with?

...Because he was trying to be more honest.

"It's complicated." Really, he had no idea where Kyo's mind was, if he was just using him because he knew he could- but it really didn't seem that way. "Uh... what about you?"

You shouldn't have asked. The question was obviously making Mao uncomfortable. Zull almost hurried to take back the words but then the other boy coughed up the rather vague answer.

"Ah, it's okay, I understand," he said sympathetically, and then paused at the question returned. "Umh... Yeah." And he couldn't stop himself from smiling a bit.

"Oh." Mao smiled back. He wouldn't press the issue because they were both so obviously uncomfortable but it was good to know that Zull could find some joy in something they were talking about. "Well, that's good..."

And this was more than a little awkward, wasn't it? Why couldn't they find something to talk about that wasn't depressing or embarassing?

Zull hand brushed his cheek again, feeling the heat there and he quickly looked around. "W-well!" he said, in a louder and cheerier tone. "We should sit here moping around." Or blushing around, for that matter. He turned to Mao.

"Are you finished eating?" he asked softly, tilting his head.

"Yeah, I'm finished. Thanks." Mao had gotten distracted from his food and therefore managed to lose his appetite, but he'd eaten enough of it to not look rude. Hopefully.

He rubbed his hands together and looked at the time on his phone. There was nowhere to be really but he had the feeling people worried about him if he disappeared too long and it was going to start getting dark out soon. "...I guess we should go, huh?"

Zull had taken a look at the clock, too, and nodded. "Yeah, I guess we should," he agreed and slowly stood up, picking up his bag.

"Hey, you still have my number, right?" he asked and pointed at Mao's cell phone. "I think this time we should make better with our promise and really keep in touch." He chuckled softly and buttoned up his coat before heading to the door of the café, and out to the street.