tragic bonding
{Mao and Caroline}
{Temari's Funeral}
{Rated PG}
Caroline didn’t really see anything as the funeral went on. She could only stare at the American style coffin and cling to the object in her lap.
Chocolates. Temari’s Valentines Day chocolates. The ones he hadn’t lived long enough to receive.
The shivers had returned and tears that she didn’t know she had left had been pouring out the entire service. She hadn’t even been able to say anything to everyone else in the room, to Temari’s family, to his parents.
She was the one who had found his body.
She was the tragic girl who had been in love with the red-head.
Everyone stared at her in pity.
Caroline wanted to die.
Then everyone was moving, a line was forming, they were allowed to say good-bye. The dark haired, dark clothed girl sat up and walked, people parting for her. She stared at Temari’s dead face and started crying some more, he looked so much more peaceful in death than he had ever in life. She wanted to belive he was watching over her right now, but it hurt too much to think about. The chocolate was placed beside his hands and she just about broke down right there.
More tears, more crying.
“Happy belated Valentines’ Day.” She quickly walked off to a corner of the room so people would stop staring at her.
Mao's head was spinning out of control. He was dizzy, sure to pass out if he didn't retreat somewhere where people would stop talking to him, stop offering their condolensces. Caring was nice, but in the end, what difference did it make?
Temari was dead.
He simply had not been able to look at the body because that wasn't how he wanted to remember his friend. No, he'd much rather him alive, the three years they'd spent talking about unimportant things and watching movies, the time he'd gone over to Mao's house high off his ass... those things were much preferred.
But they were just memories now, movies that played over and over in his mind but still wouldn't become real before his eyes again.
Sighing, he managed to duck away from a crowd of people to spot Caroline. He didn't want to talk to her, but at the same time, he really did. He knew he had to; Temari had specifically asked him to take care of Caroline, and if he couldn't be a good friend while he had been alive then he'd at least do so in his death.
He rubbed his eyes even though he wasn't crying, had been doing his best to just stay as quiet and nondescript as possible, and wandered over to where Caroline had gone. "H-hi."
Caroline wiped her tears away and tried to smile at Temari’s (and her sister’s) best friend. “H-hey, Mao.” They never really talked before this. They might have exchanged greetings once or twice, but never really had a conversation.
They were hurt equally, Temari meant so much to both of them.
“H-how are you h-holding up?” She continued to try smiling but she was failing, incredibly failing.
"Um..."
She looked so sad. The little pieces of him that were still together were ripping themselves apart just from the look on her face. Even if he didn't know her, he'd always liked her simply for all she'd done for Temari... and because she was just a sweet, sweet girl who didn't deserve to hurt like this.
No one did.
But she really didn't.
"I've been better." His voice was slightly hoarse. He bit his lip, glancing at the people around them. Even if they weren't looking at them it felt like they were.
“Yeah… yeah, I have been too,” Caroline replied. She was sure that everything there had seen better days.
What else was there to say?
She didn’t know what to tell to this boy in front of her who was hurting just like she was.
“I..” The tears were starting to come again and she quickly wiped them away. “Sorry.”
Mao just shook his head. "It's okay to cry." And how hypocritical, because he wasn't letting himself do so, somehow felt like he had to be the one to comfort everyone else. Or maybe he just didn't want them to see him fall apart.
One thing was for certain; Mao needed some alone time, away from everyone. Just for a day or two. Maybe he'd go home. His parents are as close as it got to being totally isolated.
"S-so don't apologize for anything."
“I’ve been crying so much for days upon days, I shouldn’t cry anymore.” Caroline wiped her eyes again and tried smiling. “I’ve only known him for around six months, you’ve known him forever, you have much more right to cry than I do.”
Love was nothing compared to how much experience. Caroline was shivering and looked away.
Olivia was looking at them but didn’t go towards them, like she didn’t want to interrupt some kind of moment.
Mao swallowed. Maybe it was true, maybe not; either way, there was no point in thinking about who had the right to hurt more. It didn't make a difference.
"M-maybe... it's... it's just..."
He took a deep, shaky breath and hugged her without thinking. There were absolutely no words that could help at this point.
Caroline started to shake and then put her arms around the boy. She didn’t know why but it just seemed like the right thing to do.
She really needed a hug right now and she was sure that Mao needed one too. “W-we can get through this right?” She needed Mao to say yes, she needed him to believe that he could get through it so that she might be able to think that she could as well.
"Um-" his voice cracked, arms squeezing tightly around her. She looked just enough like Olivia to make him want to bury his face in her hair and cry for hours, but even if they were in the same place they didn't really know each other.
Get through this.
maybe not
"Yes." Another deep shaky breath. He wasn't sure if he was saying it more to her or to himself.
“Promise me you’ll get through it, and I might be able to get through it too, I feel like you’re the only one who can conceive how I feel.” She was almost crying, but she was keeping quiet, trying not to alert anyone else.
“If you don’t get through it, I might not either.” She hugged him tired and then took a deep breath, trying to get herself together, trying not to fall apart screaming on the floor.
"Y-you will." He closed his eyes. He wasn't sure if she would; he'd been on the verge of collapsing into himself for months now, and he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to recover from this fall. It was just too much. He could see his mind splitting apart, and it was scary to not be in control.
again
"I will too." Maybe, but he certainly couldn't tell her anything different.
“Okay… I.. I’m sorry for hugging you.” Caroline let go of him and smiled a bit for real. “Thank you though…” She smiled a bit and bowed.
“I… I guess…. I… wouldn’t mind being your friend along with Olivia… it’d be nice.” She shuffled for a bit and looked at the ground. She felt a bit better, even though she didn’t truly think that Mao would be okay.
What? Hadn't he hugged her? He couldn't remember, and it didn't matter. He rubbed his eyes again.
"I'd... I'd like that..."
And Temari would, too, so it felt nothing but right. He had to take care of her, make sure sure she was all right, even if he wasn't.
Caroline smiled a bit more and nodded again. “T-thanks.” She bowed and then wiped away her tears. “Thank you for being such a good friend to Temari, I think that’s what kept him alive as long as he was.”
If Temari hadn’t had Mao, she may have never even met him.
Mao couldn't even force a smile. Good friend? Right. He had so many memories of Temari, but none like the look in the boy's eyes when he'd found out Mao had been raped- from Kai.
"Thank you, too. You did a really good thing..." by not judging. And even if she'd gotten herself hurt, she'd done so much for Temari that she'd never even know. "He... he really liked you. Loved. I'm glad he got to have that."
Caroline blushed and started to tear up a bit. “I.. right before he died… when he was sleeping I told him that I loved him… I never got to tell it to his face.. while he was awake.. I wish I could have..”
She shook her head to get rid of the tears and nodded. “I think it he might have heard though…”
Mao swallowed. "I hope he did." He'd choose to believe that he had. In all of their time together, Temari had been socially deprived, had been totally be shunned... and then there was Caroline. She'd changed everything.
And Temari had deserved that more than anyone.
"I never got to." He choked again, tears finally coming even though he wanted so badly to repress them until later that day, doing his best to hide his face even though there was really nothing to be ashamed of.
Caroline watched Mao cry and reached over to hug him again. “He knows Mao, he knows, I don’t know how he could not.” She was starting to cry again, hoping no one was staring, hoping that no one would intrude on this private moment.
It was important.
Very important.
“He would talk about you a lot, he probably felt the same way.”
Mao swallowed, trying to wipe his tears away even if they were just replaced with new ones. He felt heavy, like he could barely stand, and so guilty for dumping this on Caroline when he was supposed to be caring for her. But he just couldn't keep it anymore.
"I- I wasn't always a very good friend... I- I hid a lot and he hated it..."
And even if he'd tried not to hide anything at the end it didn't make up for years of hiding everything.
“At least you were a friend.” Caroline hadn’t heard about any other person. It always seemed like it was just her and Mao in Temari’s life. He never really spoke of anyone else, maybe his parents or Olivia, but really no one else.
“He didn’t have many people, anyone was welcome.. and you took care of him, you really do.” She smiled at him and nodded.
Maybe true, but he'd never stop feeling guilty. Temari had always been honest with him, and he was always afraid of what the other boy would think of him, because he'd always hated himself so much that he assumed everyone else would judge him the way he did, Temari included.
"People weren't very nice."
Just the thought of it made his heart sink all over again.
“People were retarded. Temari was an amazing boy, I wish everyone could have realized that I really do.” Caroline didn’t like referring to him in the past tense, it made it feel so real…. She didn’t want it to be real.
“He really did like you a lot, I promise, I promise.” She really did think so. She pulled away from Mao and patted his hair. She was now the one comforting instead of Mao. It’s amazing how such an experience can bring people together.
"I- I know."
He took a deep breath and managed to pull himself back together, at least for a little bit. "L-let's go somewhere else, okay? Upstairs or something. Just to get away from everyone." Maybe talk a bit more, or just sit in silence. Whatever; he couldn't take all these bodies, all these people crying who had barely even known him. Seeing his parents...
He was starting to feel a little sick.
Caroline nodded. She agreed, she didn’t want to stay here anymore, she didn’t want to see Temari’s body again until he was being put into the ground. It all really depressed her and she was sure it depressed him as well.
“Yeah, maybe even get some fresh air, that sounds good right now. We can escape from prying eyes.” She felt that everyone was staring at them and they probably were.
She let out a huge sigh and started to walk up.
“Thank you.” Thank you.
{Temari's Funeral}
{Rated PG}
Caroline didn’t really see anything as the funeral went on. She could only stare at the American style coffin and cling to the object in her lap.
Chocolates. Temari’s Valentines Day chocolates. The ones he hadn’t lived long enough to receive.
The shivers had returned and tears that she didn’t know she had left had been pouring out the entire service. She hadn’t even been able to say anything to everyone else in the room, to Temari’s family, to his parents.
She was the one who had found his body.
She was the tragic girl who had been in love with the red-head.
Everyone stared at her in pity.
Caroline wanted to die.
Then everyone was moving, a line was forming, they were allowed to say good-bye. The dark haired, dark clothed girl sat up and walked, people parting for her. She stared at Temari’s dead face and started crying some more, he looked so much more peaceful in death than he had ever in life. She wanted to belive he was watching over her right now, but it hurt too much to think about. The chocolate was placed beside his hands and she just about broke down right there.
More tears, more crying.
“Happy belated Valentines’ Day.” She quickly walked off to a corner of the room so people would stop staring at her.
Mao's head was spinning out of control. He was dizzy, sure to pass out if he didn't retreat somewhere where people would stop talking to him, stop offering their condolensces. Caring was nice, but in the end, what difference did it make?
Temari was dead.
He simply had not been able to look at the body because that wasn't how he wanted to remember his friend. No, he'd much rather him alive, the three years they'd spent talking about unimportant things and watching movies, the time he'd gone over to Mao's house high off his ass... those things were much preferred.
But they were just memories now, movies that played over and over in his mind but still wouldn't become real before his eyes again.
Sighing, he managed to duck away from a crowd of people to spot Caroline. He didn't want to talk to her, but at the same time, he really did. He knew he had to; Temari had specifically asked him to take care of Caroline, and if he couldn't be a good friend while he had been alive then he'd at least do so in his death.
He rubbed his eyes even though he wasn't crying, had been doing his best to just stay as quiet and nondescript as possible, and wandered over to where Caroline had gone. "H-hi."
Caroline wiped her tears away and tried to smile at Temari’s (and her sister’s) best friend. “H-hey, Mao.” They never really talked before this. They might have exchanged greetings once or twice, but never really had a conversation.
They were hurt equally, Temari meant so much to both of them.
“H-how are you h-holding up?” She continued to try smiling but she was failing, incredibly failing.
"Um..."
She looked so sad. The little pieces of him that were still together were ripping themselves apart just from the look on her face. Even if he didn't know her, he'd always liked her simply for all she'd done for Temari... and because she was just a sweet, sweet girl who didn't deserve to hurt like this.
No one did.
But she really didn't.
"I've been better." His voice was slightly hoarse. He bit his lip, glancing at the people around them. Even if they weren't looking at them it felt like they were.
“Yeah… yeah, I have been too,” Caroline replied. She was sure that everything there had seen better days.
What else was there to say?
She didn’t know what to tell to this boy in front of her who was hurting just like she was.
“I..” The tears were starting to come again and she quickly wiped them away. “Sorry.”
Mao just shook his head. "It's okay to cry." And how hypocritical, because he wasn't letting himself do so, somehow felt like he had to be the one to comfort everyone else. Or maybe he just didn't want them to see him fall apart.
One thing was for certain; Mao needed some alone time, away from everyone. Just for a day or two. Maybe he'd go home. His parents are as close as it got to being totally isolated.
"S-so don't apologize for anything."
“I’ve been crying so much for days upon days, I shouldn’t cry anymore.” Caroline wiped her eyes again and tried smiling. “I’ve only known him for around six months, you’ve known him forever, you have much more right to cry than I do.”
Love was nothing compared to how much experience. Caroline was shivering and looked away.
Olivia was looking at them but didn’t go towards them, like she didn’t want to interrupt some kind of moment.
Mao swallowed. Maybe it was true, maybe not; either way, there was no point in thinking about who had the right to hurt more. It didn't make a difference.
"M-maybe... it's... it's just..."
He took a deep, shaky breath and hugged her without thinking. There were absolutely no words that could help at this point.
Caroline started to shake and then put her arms around the boy. She didn’t know why but it just seemed like the right thing to do.
She really needed a hug right now and she was sure that Mao needed one too. “W-we can get through this right?” She needed Mao to say yes, she needed him to believe that he could get through it so that she might be able to think that she could as well.
"Um-" his voice cracked, arms squeezing tightly around her. She looked just enough like Olivia to make him want to bury his face in her hair and cry for hours, but even if they were in the same place they didn't really know each other.
Get through this.
maybe not
"Yes." Another deep shaky breath. He wasn't sure if he was saying it more to her or to himself.
“Promise me you’ll get through it, and I might be able to get through it too, I feel like you’re the only one who can conceive how I feel.” She was almost crying, but she was keeping quiet, trying not to alert anyone else.
“If you don’t get through it, I might not either.” She hugged him tired and then took a deep breath, trying to get herself together, trying not to fall apart screaming on the floor.
"Y-you will." He closed his eyes. He wasn't sure if she would; he'd been on the verge of collapsing into himself for months now, and he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to recover from this fall. It was just too much. He could see his mind splitting apart, and it was scary to not be in control.
again
"I will too." Maybe, but he certainly couldn't tell her anything different.
“Okay… I.. I’m sorry for hugging you.” Caroline let go of him and smiled a bit for real. “Thank you though…” She smiled a bit and bowed.
“I… I guess…. I… wouldn’t mind being your friend along with Olivia… it’d be nice.” She shuffled for a bit and looked at the ground. She felt a bit better, even though she didn’t truly think that Mao would be okay.
What? Hadn't he hugged her? He couldn't remember, and it didn't matter. He rubbed his eyes again.
"I'd... I'd like that..."
And Temari would, too, so it felt nothing but right. He had to take care of her, make sure sure she was all right, even if he wasn't.
Caroline smiled a bit more and nodded again. “T-thanks.” She bowed and then wiped away her tears. “Thank you for being such a good friend to Temari, I think that’s what kept him alive as long as he was.”
If Temari hadn’t had Mao, she may have never even met him.
Mao couldn't even force a smile. Good friend? Right. He had so many memories of Temari, but none like the look in the boy's eyes when he'd found out Mao had been raped- from Kai.
"Thank you, too. You did a really good thing..." by not judging. And even if she'd gotten herself hurt, she'd done so much for Temari that she'd never even know. "He... he really liked you. Loved. I'm glad he got to have that."
Caroline blushed and started to tear up a bit. “I.. right before he died… when he was sleeping I told him that I loved him… I never got to tell it to his face.. while he was awake.. I wish I could have..”
She shook her head to get rid of the tears and nodded. “I think it he might have heard though…”
Mao swallowed. "I hope he did." He'd choose to believe that he had. In all of their time together, Temari had been socially deprived, had been totally be shunned... and then there was Caroline. She'd changed everything.
And Temari had deserved that more than anyone.
"I never got to." He choked again, tears finally coming even though he wanted so badly to repress them until later that day, doing his best to hide his face even though there was really nothing to be ashamed of.
Caroline watched Mao cry and reached over to hug him again. “He knows Mao, he knows, I don’t know how he could not.” She was starting to cry again, hoping no one was staring, hoping that no one would intrude on this private moment.
It was important.
Very important.
“He would talk about you a lot, he probably felt the same way.”
Mao swallowed, trying to wipe his tears away even if they were just replaced with new ones. He felt heavy, like he could barely stand, and so guilty for dumping this on Caroline when he was supposed to be caring for her. But he just couldn't keep it anymore.
"I- I wasn't always a very good friend... I- I hid a lot and he hated it..."
And even if he'd tried not to hide anything at the end it didn't make up for years of hiding everything.
“At least you were a friend.” Caroline hadn’t heard about any other person. It always seemed like it was just her and Mao in Temari’s life. He never really spoke of anyone else, maybe his parents or Olivia, but really no one else.
“He didn’t have many people, anyone was welcome.. and you took care of him, you really do.” She smiled at him and nodded.
Maybe true, but he'd never stop feeling guilty. Temari had always been honest with him, and he was always afraid of what the other boy would think of him, because he'd always hated himself so much that he assumed everyone else would judge him the way he did, Temari included.
"People weren't very nice."
Just the thought of it made his heart sink all over again.
“People were retarded. Temari was an amazing boy, I wish everyone could have realized that I really do.” Caroline didn’t like referring to him in the past tense, it made it feel so real…. She didn’t want it to be real.
“He really did like you a lot, I promise, I promise.” She really did think so. She pulled away from Mao and patted his hair. She was now the one comforting instead of Mao. It’s amazing how such an experience can bring people together.
"I- I know."
He took a deep breath and managed to pull himself back together, at least for a little bit. "L-let's go somewhere else, okay? Upstairs or something. Just to get away from everyone." Maybe talk a bit more, or just sit in silence. Whatever; he couldn't take all these bodies, all these people crying who had barely even known him. Seeing his parents...
He was starting to feel a little sick.
Caroline nodded. She agreed, she didn’t want to stay here anymore, she didn’t want to see Temari’s body again until he was being put into the ground. It all really depressed her and she was sure it depressed him as well.
“Yeah, maybe even get some fresh air, that sounds good right now. We can escape from prying eyes.” She felt that everyone was staring at them and they probably were.
She let out a huge sigh and started to walk up.
“Thank you.” Thank you.