argh....
i've been so fucking depressed lately, I feel like everything im doing is for nothing. god what i'd give just to go back to work on Redstone.....::sigh:: School is such a bitch, i'm changing my major tomorrow to Communication Arts, fuck engineering, i just want an easy way out in a major that i'd actually enjoy. If after i graduate and i go into the workforce to find out that eh...maybe this wasn't for me, then shit, i can always go back into school and major in something else. i feel so horrible that i'm losing Deanna, for the first time in my life i woke up crying, SO MUCH FUCKING PRESSURE! I've got to get at least a 2.25 this semester so i can join the fraternity, and If i don't make the grades then my Big Brother has to pay a fine of a couple hundred dollars! oh no..no pressure at all! He's such a cool guy, a better match for a big brother could not have been better, i dont want anything to happen to him becuase of my lax lifestyle. I HATE math, i have a test at 7pm 2nite, i just do not want to go and say FUCK IT!!!! I'm tired of going to the Chapter house because everytime i do someone comes up to me and says "Ok, let me hear the greek alphabet, founding fathers, and preamble" (stuff we have to memorize to get initiated) Then i'm on this fucking fundraising committee, i've been on committees and shit ALL MY LIFE! shit, even at Redstone I was on one, the Education Commitee. I hate studying, I never studyed in High School because i didn't have to, i did great in H.S.! But college is so different, it's been 2 years since i was in High School. geezus i've contemplated so many things i want to do to relieve stress, smoking pot, getting really really shitty drunk, going to some random place and sleeping in my car. this is the first time i've ever wanted to move away from this place. It's not that Huntsville is bad, i just want a change, a restart on life, but knowing how things go shit would just follow me there :\ i need to scream...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! god damn it! 2.5hrs until that FUCKING math test. people came up to me today and asked "what's wrong?" and me being me just replyed with "nothing, no worries" Because that's how I am, i don't burden other people's life with my problems (well shit, look what im doing now) I took a pack of my dad's cigs (Basic Menthol Lights) because im completely out (PEOPLE NEED TO STOP BUMMING CIGS FROM ME!!!!), i have less than 1/4tank of gas, i have $5 in my wallet that is actually owed to Thor for food the other night and I have $10 in my bank account!!! I dont get paid until Friday at 2pm, grrrr....i hate asking parents for cash, but i just might have to or it'll look like i'll be walking the next few days (it's not far, but in this weather, fuck that)