If Wishes Were Horses...
A chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, her name carefully written in cacao cream, six pink candles lit with little droplets of wax running down on them, balloons adorning the late 19th century chandelier hanging right over the rococo breakfast table imported from Europe - the precious wood was covered in a light pink Bobbin lace cloth, and the cloth itself was covered in confetti.
Her mother had made the cake and had given the cook a lot to clean up afterwards, as every year, and her father had put up the balloons, and the maid had laid out the cloth, had strewn the confetti, had set the table, as every year.
“Make a wish, Callita!” Her father said, and Callie took a deep breath, closed her eyes, squeezed them shut as tightly as she could, just like last year but this time, she thought, this time, she would make her first real wish.
She wouldn’t wish for the dress she wanted so badly - she would get it, Callie knew. She wouldn’t wish for the pony - she wouldn’t get it, no matter how hard she wished.
Please, please, please, let Trevor come to my party.
Callie blew out the candles, all of them without taking another breath, all the while thinking of Trevor. He was the coolest boy in school, everybody liked Trevor, and since no one seemed to like Callie, except for Miriam that is, and since Callie was the youngest in her class because she got to go to school earlier than others, she really needed Trevor to come to her party.
Callie’s wish came true, Trevor did come to her party and so did almost everybody Callie had invited.
But, everybody liked Trevor, everybody liked him more than they liked Callie…even Miriam and that’s why Callie felt like a guest at her own party, and while sitting by herself in the grass while Trevor did a handstand, she thought that sometimes it’s better to not wish for anything…
*****
“Everything’s gonna be different, you’ll see! It’s gonna be awesome, Cal.”
Callie sighed and slumped back into the pillows. “It’s High School, Miriam. New dimension, same rules…just more people to hate me.”
Miriam hopped off the bed and lifted her unruly eyebrows. “Fine, be like that.” She crossed her arms and tapped her foot, mimicking her mother. “C’mon, what are you waiting for? Let’s bounce.”
Callie didn’t move an inch but narrowed her eyes instead while Miriam scoffed dramatically and grabbed her bag that she had dumped next to the bed. “Let’s go. I wanna get there before all the mall-maggots gather around the entrance to judge us…”
“I have no idea why you wanna shop for back to school clothes…it’s not like we get to wear them, unless you plan on wearing yours underneath your uniform.”
“Cal,” Miriam whined, “there are accessories too…like bracelets and earrings and stuff.”
Callie scooted to the edge of the bed and shook her head a little. “It’s the same school, Mir. Everybody knows us anyway, we’ll just be dragging ourselves into a different building from now on, and sit in different class rooms but everything else is gonna stay the same, accessories won’t change how they treat us.”
“Cal.”
“What?”
Miriam sighed and rolled her eyes. “…stop chewing your hair.”
Callie let go of the strand of hair she had wrapped around her finger and shook her head. “I don’t want accessories, Mir. They’ll only have more to make fun of…” She scoffed. “I wish I was invisible…”
Sometimes, Callie thought about a year later, still sitting by herself at lunch just like most of last year; sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for.
*****
She stared down at a little stone lying right between her shoes and played with one of the countless loose threads on her jeans.
Callie could still hear the roaring of the engine as the motorcycle sped down the road and out of sight.
“How did it go?”
“I hate myself and want to die…”
Keith, Callie’s best friend, plopped down next to her, mindful of his perfectly fitting pants. “You’re quoting Nirvana so I gather he won’t go to prom with you.”
“What do you think?”
“I think you’re bitching at the wrong person.”
Callie sighed and hugged her knees. “…sorry. I didn’t wanna go to that stupid thing anyway.”
“That’s the spirit, girl!” Keith grinned even though nobody had asked him to go to prom either. “We don’t need no stupid prom where we just have to pretend that we’re something we’re not.” He shrugged a little and tilted his head. “…of course, if I had a cute boyfriend, I so would’ve showed up there.”
“You can have mine, if you want..?” Callie got to her feet and smirked down at Keith who rolled his eyes.
“No, thank you…I always thought he was a little unkempt.”
“Admit it, you’re into that!”
“Am not!” He scrambled to his feet as well then trailed after Callie. “So, what fun thing could we do on prom night?”
“I have no idea,” Callie sighed. “But I know what we’re going to do now.”
“Oh?”
“Let’s take the Nirvana posters down…”
“Absolutely…I liked you better as a Glam-Metalist anyway.”
“Glam-Metalist?”
“Yep,” Keith grinned and reached out to hold up a strand of Callie’s hair. “This grunge version of you needs to see a comb…and some nail polish…and lipstick…and--“
“Whoa, I’m not that bad…I think.”
Keith’s answer was to glance down at her with a very critical eye but Callie didn’t really care, or so it seemed. “Sometimes I wish I was normal…then somebody would’ve asked me to go to prom with them…not that I wanted to go, but being asked would’ve been nice.”
“Sometimes I wish I was normal too…but then I think about how annoying normal people are and how boring it would be…”
Callie tilted her head and nodded slightly. “True…promise me to never turn normal on me?”
“Promise. Let’s be weird together…”
*****
“He’s the kind of guy who would never go out with a girl like me, Anita. I mean, did you see his ex-girlfriend?” Callie nipped on her ale then popped a peanut into her mouth. Anita, with whom she shared a small apartment, glared at her over the table.
“She’s a stick…” Anita said, her hair glistening in the dim light of the Irish pub that a lot of students frequented.
“Exactly! Stick thin, blue eyes, beautiful red hair…that’s just so not me.”
“Well, if that’s his only definition of beauty then he doesn’t deserve you and maybe, just maybe, Callie, he’d love something different.” Anita sighed at the sullen face her friend always seemed to make when they talked about how hopelessly Callie was crushing on Jonathan who couldn’t possibly have any interest in her.
“Just say hi to him, Cal. What’s he gonna do?”
“Laugh at me.” She mumbled and sipped on her beer. “And-and-and then he’ll have another laugh with his buddies, and I can never go to class again ‘cause he’ll be there and everyone will know and Stick will make one of her snotty brat faces at me--”
“Well,” Anita interrupted. “I have no idea why you like him so much since you seem to think so badly of him.”
“…he’s sweet.”
“Here we go again…” She waved at Aaron, the bar owner. “Give that girl tequila!” Aaron poured and Callie rolled her eyes. “Just talk to him.”
“But, what if-what if--”
“Then you know,” Anita said with finality while getting up and pulling her jacket from the back of the chair. “So, drink that shot, go over there and talk to him…‘what if’ won’t get you anywhere.” With that, Anita left and Callie glowered at Aaron who put the shot down right in front of her.
“This should go smoothly…you’re in The Clover after all.”
“Ha ha, lucky me.”
“…indeed.”
Now left to her own devices, Callie stared into the shot glass for a moment or two. Please, she thought, please, just give me a chance for once…
She lifted the glass and knocked the shot back - the tequila warmed her insides immediately and the buzz that followed upon her noisy exhale gave her confidence. Before she knew or had the time to even think about what she was doing, Callie was on her feet and made her way across the room.
And there was Jonathan leaning against the bar counter, waiting for his beer. He was so handsome and incredibly smart. “Hey…” Callie cringed inwardly - that came out way too chipper.
“Hey…”
At least he had acknowledged her, that was good, right? “Hi. Um…I-I’m Callie.”
“Yeah…we have class together, right?”
Callie blinked rapidly - he noticed me? “That’s right! So…I just wanted to ask you, if maybe you and--”
“Jonathan!” Great. His friends were waving at him from the dart boards. “It’s your turn, c’mon!”
Jonathan was very sweet, and so was the smile he gave Callie. “Sorry, I gotta get over there, Kelly, right?”
She knew from the way he said it that he didn’t know and probably wouldn’t remember her name at all. “Yeah…Callie with--”
“Maybe another time…bye…”
“With a-with a ‘C’.” But Jonathan didn’t hear - he was throwing the darts already. Resigning herself to the fact that she would never exchange complete sentences with Jonathan, Callie hopped up on a bar stool, her proud, confident posture sagging.
“Uh…hi.”
Callie almost jumped out of her seat and turned, timidly, to her left, eyebrows raised. “Hi?” Before her stood, ironically, a guy, tall with red hair, faire complexion and blue eyes.
“I-I’m Steve. Actually it’s Stephen…with ‘ph’ but I guess that doesn’t really make a lot of difference…”
“…are you…mocking me?”
Steve made a face. “I wish.”
And Callie smiled.
“Listen…I saw what just happened and I thought you might be a little more agreeable to have a drink with me now that you’re feeling down and vulnerable.” He blinked a couple time. “That sounded bad, didn’t it?”
“Yeah…now it’s two drinks.” Callie had no idea what she was doing but sitting in a bar, all by herself, wallowing, wasn’t what she had in mind but instead she decided to give this a chance.
“Really?”
“Really.”
Steve shook his head in disbelieve and hopped onto the stool next to her. “So, if this goes well, will you go out with me?”
Callie blushed just a little bit. “We’ll see…”
“We’ll see? Well, that’s better than what I envisioned you would say whenever I dreamed about asking you out.”
“You were dreaming of asking me out?”
Steve grinned and his smile was just as sweet as Jonathan’s. “I did. I mean…you’re the kind of girl that would never go out with a guy like me…”
Callie lost herself in his eyes for a moment or two - the freckles made him look so boyish but his distinctive features made up for that. He was truly handsome and probably really funny, Callie had an inkling that he might be.
You can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find what you need…
But a year later Callie had to realize that when you always got what you needed you might find yourself needing more…wanting to be given more.
“I just don’t know you anymore, Callie!”
“Of course you do,” she argued and made a face as if Steve was talking about something completely ridiculous.
“No…I don’t. Where’s the girl I sat in the pub with a year ago? Where’s the girl I talked with for hours? Where did she go?”
Callie scoffed and crossed her arms. “People change, that’s what they do! And I’m still here, I’m just-just a better version of myself now.”
“Well…I can’t see you, Callie, I can’t see that girl anymore.”
He can’t see her anymore, uh huh. “Maybe,” she said, pushing that insecure girl she used to be back down. “Maybe you’re just not looking hard enough!” But in a way Callie knew that he was right.
“Yeah…maybe. But this just isn’t what I want…the person you are now, she’s just not the one that I want.”
“Well…you can’t always get what you want…”
*****
Images seemed to flash before her eyes, little movies, songs of voices, a touch, a glance, a smile, a scent, a single moment - everything burned into her memory forever.
She felt the alcohol coursing through her veins, hot and cold, her lips tingled and for a second Callie could’ve sworn she felt somebody exhale against them. Soft skin, the softest she had ever felt and that smile…the sweetest she had ever seen.
A little bit of foam on Erica’s upper lip as she sipped on her coffee, eyes shining with laughter as she tried to conceal a smile.
Erica’s warm body against her own, making her feel so safe, as safe as she had never felt before.
A hand that reached for her and gave her the courage to reach out as well, to trust and to let go again without fear.
Callie felt fingertips on her shoulder and the sudden, unexpected touch brought her back to reality. She flinched, of course and the fingertips retreated.
“Alright…I’m outta here. I get it, you got what you wanted…”
She curled up even more and pulled the covers tighter around herself. “…you can’t give me what I want,” she whispered but didn’t really care if he heard it or not.
He did hear it however and didn’t waste any time - he threw the covers aside and got out of bed, searching for his clothes.
A couple hours ago it had seemed like a pretty good idea to pick up a total stranger in a bar but once she got to experience what it felt like to be with someone who wasn’t Erica, everything was a mere farce, an act, a painful disaster and the worst nightmare she had ever dreamt with her eyes wide open.
“…bitch,” he muttered and slammed the door.
Callie sighed, relieved, and buried her nose in the pillow, trying to catch that scent, trying to imagine it because it wasn’t there anymore.
…sparkling blue eyes, her laughter, her warmth, her generous heart, her love.
Callie gasped for breath as her insides screamed and turned and twisted. Tears flooded her eyes and flowed down her cheeks like rivers and her world collapsed upon itself.
A wrong decision, a wrong reaction, a wrong sentence, a wrong word, a glance, a moment, a second and then the most fatal action - inaction - as Erica walked away and she didn’t go after her.
Callie stared out of the window, lying on her side, the pillow damp beneath her cheek.
Where are you, Erica?
She felt the loss…she truly felt it now.
Callie gazed at the sky as the minutes ticked by and suddenly there it was - a shooting star.
She made a wish but she didn’t ask for Erica back - she would never get that, no matter how hard she squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t wish that she could forget because memories were all she had left and Callie wouldn’t give a single one away for anything.
She closed her eyes and let a few more tears escape.
I wish I could sleep forever. I want to sleep forever and never wake up again.
If wishes were horses…
That night Callie dreamed she had a ranch and the next morning, when she awoke and hadn’t even opened her eyes yet, she thought…
Erica.
…and heart broke all over again.
~fini~