Love Bites
Well....turns out that Ren's little assumption about Bonnie was wrong. I brought up her flirting with me when I was dropping her off, and she told me that it's just that...flirting.
Yeah, I'm a little let-down. But, ya know...so what. I've come to accept what seems to be my lot in life. I don't like it, but I've accepted it. And, yes...there IS a difference.
So, basically, this puts in a situation, to go one of two ways. One, I have a girlfriend, but I'm not sure how it'll all work out. Or two, I'm alone and hating myself and my life, but I'm at least somewhat content. So, what it comes down to is this: I can either make the decision to get back together with Angel, or not and see how lifes plays out in the love arena. If I go the latter route, I can see myself having no girlfriends for several years, and being a virgin until I'm in my thirties. Which, despite my general fear of the first few times having sex, would really, REALLY suck.
*sighs*
You know, I'm always half tempted to tell Ren that he has nothing to complain about...he's had more girlfriends than I have, and he has the natural charisma to get many more than I will ever seem to. He's considerably more out-going than I am, and is, as far as I can tell, at least reasonably comfortable with himself. Me? I have the self-esteem and self-worth of a carrot, I'm not in the least bit comfortable with myself, I'm an emotional wreck about certain things...and, to top it all off, I have NO charisma! If this were Baldur's Gate, here's how the character attributes for Danica, Ren and I would go...
Danica--
Appearance: 17
Charisma: 15
Ren--
Appearance: 17
Charisma: 20
Me--
Appearance: 10(on a good day)
Charisma: 4
So, yeah. Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself...maybe I'm seeing the truth. Who knows? No one, and that's the problem. I know that I shouldn't ask for things to be handed to me, but I'd just like to know what the hell's going on...why do I surround myself with friends who have virtually no hang-ups finding love, while I, myself, can't even seem to get started? I mean, gawd...look at Danica! Shit! She's everything I wish I was...minus the stubbornness and the polygomy thing(no comments on that, please). Emotionally...yeah, she's got her things to work out, as we all do. But, otherwise, I wish I was her. She's got the charisma, the confidence, the self-assuredness...and she actually CARES about herself. And Ren's the same way. Yeah, he may complain about being shy and everything...but, he has infinitely more chances with love than I seem to.
*sighs again*
I don't know...I seriously don't. Maybe once I get my life really going, things will start happening. But, even then, I doubt it. Even if a girl takes interest in me, and starts showing it...she'll quickly lose that interest. I have NO idea how to respond to flirting...and if a girl starts coming on to me, I'm gonna freak out and turn even more introverted. Yeah, I want nothing more in this world to have someone take that interest in me...but, when it comes down to it, I'm afraid.
That's what all my problems and depression are based on: FEAR. Fear of rejection, fear of what others think of me, fear of what _I_ think of myself, fear, fear, fear...I think that I'm actually afraid of living sometimes.
*sighs once more*
I envy everyone that I hold dear...Ren, Danica, Carter, my family...they all seem to have a pretty good grasp on things. I don't. I did...or rather, thought I did, until I started to slip again. I think that started when I realized that I was falling for Danica again...that I started to desire her again. And, while I know that I'll never have her(like I ever did), it's incredibly hard to let go. I mean, she's the only one to have ever shown a real, vested interest in my well-being. And it's fucking hard to let go of that, and I'm afraid that if I don't hold on to her with everything I have, that she's going to slip away from me and I'm never going to see her again. That's perhaps my biggest fear in her relationship with Carter...that she's going to go to Illinois, and she'll stay there. That they'll move in together, and...poof, she's gone from my life, leaving me with nothing but an empty hole...a gaping wound in the very flesh of my heart, that will never be filled again.
But, at the same time, I know that by clinging to her so tenaciously, that I'm actually pushing her away. And that, there, would hurt more than anything. That I was able to drive away the one person who meant anything to me...and, if I was able to do that, why do I deserve to be friends with Ren, or Bonnie, or Angel, or anyone? Then, all I'd be left with would be my family. But, eventually, I wouldn't have that...maybe through death, or me just falling through the cracks, like my brother and sister from my dad's first marriage. Then what would I have? Myself? Bah! Fuck that, I say.
So, really, all this leaves me with one choice. And that's to fix my fucking problems. To overcome those basic fears, and finally be happy. I haven't felt true, real happiness in...gawd, years. Probably since I was a kid, with nothing to care about. And, I'm well overdue.
Yeah, I'm a little let-down. But, ya know...so what. I've come to accept what seems to be my lot in life. I don't like it, but I've accepted it. And, yes...there IS a difference.
So, basically, this puts in a situation, to go one of two ways. One, I have a girlfriend, but I'm not sure how it'll all work out. Or two, I'm alone and hating myself and my life, but I'm at least somewhat content. So, what it comes down to is this: I can either make the decision to get back together with Angel, or not and see how lifes plays out in the love arena. If I go the latter route, I can see myself having no girlfriends for several years, and being a virgin until I'm in my thirties. Which, despite my general fear of the first few times having sex, would really, REALLY suck.
*sighs*
You know, I'm always half tempted to tell Ren that he has nothing to complain about...he's had more girlfriends than I have, and he has the natural charisma to get many more than I will ever seem to. He's considerably more out-going than I am, and is, as far as I can tell, at least reasonably comfortable with himself. Me? I have the self-esteem and self-worth of a carrot, I'm not in the least bit comfortable with myself, I'm an emotional wreck about certain things...and, to top it all off, I have NO charisma! If this were Baldur's Gate, here's how the character attributes for Danica, Ren and I would go...
Danica--
Appearance: 17
Charisma: 15
Ren--
Appearance: 17
Charisma: 20
Me--
Appearance: 10(on a good day)
Charisma: 4
So, yeah. Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself...maybe I'm seeing the truth. Who knows? No one, and that's the problem. I know that I shouldn't ask for things to be handed to me, but I'd just like to know what the hell's going on...why do I surround myself with friends who have virtually no hang-ups finding love, while I, myself, can't even seem to get started? I mean, gawd...look at Danica! Shit! She's everything I wish I was...minus the stubbornness and the polygomy thing(no comments on that, please). Emotionally...yeah, she's got her things to work out, as we all do. But, otherwise, I wish I was her. She's got the charisma, the confidence, the self-assuredness...and she actually CARES about herself. And Ren's the same way. Yeah, he may complain about being shy and everything...but, he has infinitely more chances with love than I seem to.
*sighs again*
I don't know...I seriously don't. Maybe once I get my life really going, things will start happening. But, even then, I doubt it. Even if a girl takes interest in me, and starts showing it...she'll quickly lose that interest. I have NO idea how to respond to flirting...and if a girl starts coming on to me, I'm gonna freak out and turn even more introverted. Yeah, I want nothing more in this world to have someone take that interest in me...but, when it comes down to it, I'm afraid.
That's what all my problems and depression are based on: FEAR. Fear of rejection, fear of what others think of me, fear of what _I_ think of myself, fear, fear, fear...I think that I'm actually afraid of living sometimes.
*sighs once more*
I envy everyone that I hold dear...Ren, Danica, Carter, my family...they all seem to have a pretty good grasp on things. I don't. I did...or rather, thought I did, until I started to slip again. I think that started when I realized that I was falling for Danica again...that I started to desire her again. And, while I know that I'll never have her(like I ever did), it's incredibly hard to let go. I mean, she's the only one to have ever shown a real, vested interest in my well-being. And it's fucking hard to let go of that, and I'm afraid that if I don't hold on to her with everything I have, that she's going to slip away from me and I'm never going to see her again. That's perhaps my biggest fear in her relationship with Carter...that she's going to go to Illinois, and she'll stay there. That they'll move in together, and...poof, she's gone from my life, leaving me with nothing but an empty hole...a gaping wound in the very flesh of my heart, that will never be filled again.
But, at the same time, I know that by clinging to her so tenaciously, that I'm actually pushing her away. And that, there, would hurt more than anything. That I was able to drive away the one person who meant anything to me...and, if I was able to do that, why do I deserve to be friends with Ren, or Bonnie, or Angel, or anyone? Then, all I'd be left with would be my family. But, eventually, I wouldn't have that...maybe through death, or me just falling through the cracks, like my brother and sister from my dad's first marriage. Then what would I have? Myself? Bah! Fuck that, I say.
So, really, all this leaves me with one choice. And that's to fix my fucking problems. To overcome those basic fears, and finally be happy. I haven't felt true, real happiness in...gawd, years. Probably since I was a kid, with nothing to care about. And, I'm well overdue.