30 Days Later
Title: 30 Days Later
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: R
Summary: 30 days after the storm.
A/N I have no idea why I’m bothering publishing this here, most of the community doesn’t seem to like my stuff. But here I am once again. I wrote this months ago. I've been sitting on it, hoping for inspiration to add more, but I've got nothing and felt like sharing this, I guess.
A month after the super storm came and went, Callie still felt like she was moving through a fog. Everything was dense around her and she couldn’t see an end in sight, but she was forced to keep moving for Sofia. She couldn’t just stop and process and work things out in her mind or otherwise because she had a daughter who didn’t deserve to have her life disrupted because of infidelity, regardless of what caused it or who was at fault.
She hadn’t spoken to Arizona since their shouting match in an on-call room the night of the storm. After uttering the words ‘Apparently, I lost you’ they stood and stared at one another for close to ten minutes, then Arizona nodded slightly, spun on her leg and left the room. That was the last time she even saw Arizona. She had no desire to talk to her, even though every fiber of her being knew Arizona was hurting.
The cheating and blaming was just part of Arizona acting out, because she was not okay. At all. And Callie knew it, but she left. Even though she promised Arizona she wouldn’t, but she couldn’t take it after everything they’d be through. She may not have been on that plane, but that didn’t change the fact her life was desperately changed by it. Maybe not nearly as drastically as Arizona’s life was changed, but changed nonetheless.
She pushed too hard, too fast to get things back to how they were pre-crash. In hindsight she realized she never gave Arizona the time to heal emotionally and now she was acting out and, when Callie was honest with herself she knew that Arizona had every right too. She was as much at fault for Arizona cheating as Arizona was and that thought just broke her heart even more, but she wasn’t ready to face her wife, not yet.
Callie sighed and ran a hand through her hair as she reread the chart in front of her for the fourth time. Her brain just didn’t want to stop. She wanted to work and get her mind off her turbulent life, but her dumb brain just doesn’t relent. She felt a presence next to her and glanced over to see Cristina step next to her.
“So yeah, we have something more in common now. You know, the cheating-spouses-and-break-ups club,” Cristina said as she grabbed the chart out of Callie’s hands. “I thought you finished with Minced Meat this morning?” She glanced at the clock; it was four in the afternoon.
Callie snatched the chart back and quickly added a note that she had forgotten earlier. “I finished the surgery at eleven.”
Cristina eyed her, “Jeeze, lost in thought much?”
“Cristina.” Callie sighed, “And maybe we don’t have as much in common as you think. We didn’t break up.”
“Have you even seen her since the storm?” Cristina asked.
Callie shook her head no and finally signed off on the chart and handed it to a nearby nurse.
“Sounds like a break up to me.” Cristina shrugged.
“Well, you’re not me.” Callie spun on her heels and walked into the doctor’s lounge on the orthopedic floor, Cristina was hot on her tail.
“Do you even know where she’s staying?” Cristina asked.
Another shake of Callie’s head and a shrug, “She needs time to process. I need time to process. It’s how we work.”
“And it’s been so successful, hasn’t it?” Cristina laughed as she flopped onto a nearby couch.
It was only then that Callie noticed Karev, Meredith, Kepner, and Avery were already in the lounge. She took a deep breath and started to rub the incoming headache out of her forehead. “What is this; an intervention? I think you guys are talking to the wrong person.” She chuckled and grabbed a cup, pouring herself a cup of crappy coffee.
“She hasn’t left the hospital,” Meredith said softly.
“She doesn’t talk anymore…” that was Alex. His normally present scowl wasn’t on his face, only a thin frown.
“To anyone,” Cristina added at the end of that.
“She’s working,” Avery said.
“A lot,” Kepner added with a shake of her head, “I don’t think she’s slept in over fifty hours.”
“I forced her to go home and she didn’t even fight it,” Avery said and then glanced at the others before looking Callie in the eyes, “Fix it.” He turned and walked out of the room, Kepner following him like a puppy.
Callie’s eyebrows furrowed and she barked a laugh, “I don’t even know where she’s staying.”
“Her office,” Karev said as he stood up. He licked his lips and stared at Callie for several moments, “Look, I know she screwed up...” He glanced at Cristina and Meredith, who were attempting to look like they weren’t interested in what they were saying. “… And she knows it too.”
Alex looked Callie in the eyes; her eyes were just as sad as Arizona’s. They were both in so much pain and he felt a little guilty for being so happy with Jo. “Forgive her, don’t forgive her, it’s not like it would really matter because I can tell you now she’s never going to forgive herself. The last real conversation I had with her all she did was berate herself and say how she was a horrible person… Seriously, something is broken there and we’ve all sat around and watched her deteriorate before our very eyes because we figured she’d snap out of it or something, but she’s not. And she may not realize it or want to accept it and maybe you don’t either, but she needs you and you haven’t even tried to talk to her in over a month!”
When Alex raised his voice, Meredith and Cristina both sat up, moving like they were going to interrupt, but Callie raised her hand, letting them know it was okay, so they just leaned back and watched.
Callie finally looked away from Alex’s intense stare, “She hasn’t talked to me. Or tried to reach me… At all, and honestly, that’s fine, I can accept that, but she hasn’t even asked about Sofia! So, I should drop everything, the issues, the hurt, the pain and go to her and push things? Pushing things is what got us to the point we are now!”
Callie ran a hand through her hair and put the coffee cup she was holding down. She cleared her throat, pushing back the tightness she felt there and the starting of tears in her eyes. “The one thing I’ve realized in this past month is that we’re never going to completely understand what the survivors of that plane crash went through, Alex.”
She glanced at Meredith and Cristina; both looked sheepishly away from Callie. “I wasn’t on that plane and Arizona was right, I acted like I was.” She took another deep breath before continuing, “I pushed her to be her old self, but she changed the second that plane fell out of the sky. I should have never been her doctor, but she was distraught and so upset, how was I supposed to deny her?”
Callie wiped a tear from her cheek, “Any other patient, I would have never made a promise like that. NEVER. But this was my wife. And she was alive and crying and freaking out and it was breaking me watching her hold things together for Sofia, then break down with me. That dumb promise I made!” She took a moment to clear her throat again, “Derek’s hand is fixed. Meredith and Cristina have no residual physical reminders of that crash. They all leaned on one another as crash survivors and worked through their PTSD together, but Arizona… All she had was… me…”
Callie’s voice broke and she licked her lips for a moment. “All she had was me and I pushed her. I yelled at her to get back to herself, while she yelled at me that she was in pain over a broken promise. I never thought about how deeply that would affect her; I just wanted my god damned wife back. And when she was broken, on the floor lying in her own urine, I flung her in the shower and cried about how this was my life too. She changed then, pretended she was getting better. I didn’t even think that something was wrong, because she was coming back to herself. And then I got bitchy about sex.”
Alex looked at Cristina and Meredith uncomfortably, but none of them were willing to interrupt Callie. This seemed to be a cathartic release for her, so they would give it to her and listen. It was amazing how these two women loved each other, but neither were willing to lean on the other and now they were both full of hurt and regrets.
“So I know I had a part in where we are now. I don’t know why she did what she did, but maybe it was all about trust and broken promises. Evening the score, which she managed and I’m incredibly hurt, but there’s a part of me that understands it.” She stared at her wedding ring, which still circled her finger. “But she hasn’t even asked about Sofia and that…” Callie gritted her teeth before shaking her head, “That I can’t understand.”
There was complete silence in the room for several moments before Alex reached out and grabbed Callie’s shoulder, squeezing it gently, “Arizona is punishing herself, so she’s doing the easiest thing she can think of to do that: Staying away from most important things to her.” He looked sadly at her once more, then turned and walked out of the room.
Callie’s eyes widened with the truth of Alex’s words. She hadn’t even thought of that…
“You may not have been on the plane with us, but you have helped us come together, Callie.” Meredith stood up, pulling Cristina up with her. “And yeah, Arizona may have got the worst out of everything, but she’s alive. She needs to come to terms with that, but what she’s doing right now isn’t healthy.”
“From what Alex says, she barely talks to her patients anymore. She doesn’t run around getting them chocolate pudding and stuff like she used too. I think he’s right about the punishing crap.” Cristina just shrugged and tugged Meredith toward the door, “And by the way, we did try this on her and all she did was stand there while we all yapped.”
“Then she asked if we were done and walked out of the room with a blank look on her face,” Meredith said with a small frown.
“Okay, okay…” Callie swallowed the large lump that formed in her throat and nodded slightly. “Thank you for telling me.”
The two left Callie alone in the lounge. She stood there digesting the information she was just given before slamming her fist against the counter. She grimaced and sighed before flopping on the couch. She had never felt such a jumble of emotions invade her system before in her life. So many crappy things have happened to her, but nothing affected her to the core like her wife breaking her trust.
She wanted to just be angry, but it all came back to trust. And she broke her wife’s trust too. And this wasn’t a competition, but honestly, how do you even compete with a leg amputation?
You don’t.
She exhaled heavily and rubbed at her forehead again. She understood her wife a little better after the little blow out following the storm. She didn’t have to hang out with Lauren Boswell for a long time to see the draw she had. She was perky, smart, an amazing surgeon wanted by hospitals all over the world.
Just like Arizona once was.
And she would have to be blind to not see the ways Arizona changed as their relationship blossomed. She grew in positive ways, as did Callie, but there was a lot of bending on Arizona’s behalf. She bent on kids, gave up one of the most prestigious grants, and became friends with Mark Sloan… Lauren is what Arizona could have been, had Callie never met her.
What a depressing thought.
No, she loves Arizona. And losing a leg and cheating are not going to break them permanently, just bend them a little for a while.
For a week she was angry. Really angry and her friends knew it. Avoidance had been a strong point for both of them during their relationship, so she figured they’d avoid for a while, but then come back together. When she hadn’t even seen Arizona after another week had passed, she just let the anger go. She wasn’t really angry anymore, she was worried and scared. Worried that he wife was changed to drastically and permanently for them to fix anything and scared she’d have to give the woman up. The next two weeks the fears grew the longer she hadn’t seen Arizona, but the anger started to simmer again; anger at the blonde for not even attempting to see Sofia, let alone herself.
But Karev, of all people, made such a logical point that Callie understood now. She was absolutely positive Arizona was punishing herself. She was just thankful that the woman was still alive and working, because for a second, just a desperate moment, she wondered if Arizona would have tried to kill herself, because it finally computed that maybe Arizona would have rather died, than be alive without her leg.
And that thought was absolutely the most heartbreaking for Callie. She couldn’t even imagine the pain Arizona was putting herself through, but part of her realized that she never checked on Arizona because subconsciously, she wanted her to suffer. They always knew how to hurt each other the most.
Isn’t that a part of loving someone though? You make yourself completely vulnerable to them. They know your strengths, but your weaknesses as well. They loved each other so completely that they knew exactly what to say to break each other down. And when insecurity and fear overtook them, they hurled daggers at each other, each aimed with precision to do the most damage. That was part of love. The other part, she supposed, was knowing and understanding this and being able to forgive the harsh moments and be better for one another.
Callie wasn’t sure she could step up this time. She had done it, wholeheartedly and repeatedly. She let Arizona take out all her anger and frustration on her. She forgave her wife for not being interested in living for weeks after waking up without a leg. She truly thought things were getting better, but after the storm, she realized she was not helping her wife at all. She really should have forced Arizona to not have her as a doctor, forced her to seek someone to help her cope with her anger. By being a scapegoat, then pushing for Arizona to get to her old self, she did more harm than good.
Another thing she’d have to fix. And the fact she wanted to fix it really helped her realize that she not only still loved Arizona, but she’d already forgiven her wife for her infidelity. It was a mistake, one made by her wife who was most definitely suffering through post-traumatic stress disorder. Trust and promises were broken, but more promises could be made and trust can be earned once again. She was willing to give Arizona that chance, if Arizona could do the same for her.
Would she?
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Arizona was standing at the nurses’ station writing vigorously in a chart. A young blonde nurse stepped behind her and waited several moments before Arizona slowed her writing and glanced at the girl.
No words were spoken and Arizona stared at the nurse.
“Uhm, Dr. Robbins?” the girl said sheepishly.
More staring.
“The Nelson kid is complaining of pain. He’s six hours post op and hasn’t had any pain medication administered yet…” she spoke softly and kept looking into Arizona’s face, then glancing to the ground, then back again.
Arizona stared back at her.
The nurse assumed she was listening, “So…” She paused, the staring continued for a moment, “Uhm…” Arizona tilted her head slightly and then narrowed her eyes. The nurse felt uncomfortable and glanced away again, “Uh, would you like me to give him an initial dose of morphine and check his pain level in four hours?”
Arizona nodded and then turned back to her chart and continued writing, effectively dismissing the nurse. The poor blonde girl scurried away to administer the medication on the boy she spoke of.
“Weren’t you sent home?” Alex said gruffly as he stepped up to the nurses’ station and handed a chart to a dark haired nurse behind the counter.
Arizona shrugged, still writing.
“Avery seemed pretty serious when he told you to go home,” he continued.
Another shrug.
Alex sighed deeply, “Arizona, let’s go talk somewhere. Maybe talking about it will help, because working yourself ragged and not talking is not helping.”
She shook her head, slammed the chart shut, and dropped it behind the nurses’ station. She then spun on her real leg and slowly limped away. Arizona sighed. Having a one legged tantrum certainly wasn’t as effective as a two legged one.
She limped to her office and slipped behind the door, shutting it and locking it behind her. She leaned against the door for a moment, before pain shot up her nonexistent leg and exploded throughout her body. She leaned over and immediately took her prosthetic off. She leaned the limb against the couch on her left and then leaned back against the door again with a sigh.
Glancing around her office, she frowned. She didn’t remember leaving it as messy as it was, but hey, that’s wear and tear for living in an office. She had a bag full of dirty scrubs which she needed to dump in the locker room so they would be cleaned. She made a mental note to go to the Laundromat behind the hospital to wash her unmentionables. She hadn’t even been back to the apartment for clothes; she just bought some necessities at the nearby discount store and lived in scrubs. The thought made her laugh, since she always complained about wearing them. At least they were comfortable, which is more than what can be said for her leg.
If she wasn’t so despondent she would have laughed at the thought.
She heard a grumble and looked down at her stomach, a nauseous feeling fell over her stomach and ran to her head. She couldn’t remember the last time she ate and despite the sound and the feeling, she honestly wasn’t hungry. Using furniture to help her balance, she maneuvered herself behind her desk. She opened the drawer on the right and pulled out a box of crackers. She opened it and shoved a cracker unceremoniously into her mouth.
She felt sore all over and the chewing wasn’t helping. She opened the bottle of water on her desk and took a long pull, forcing the food down her throat. She then leaned back in her chair, debating whether or not to have another one. Feeling the dry, itchiness that it left in her throat, she decided against another cracker.
Was this really her life now?
How could she have done this to her family; to herself? What would her father, or worse, what would Timothy have to say to her now? Her life just seemed to become one disappointment after another for the past few years and she had no idea how to stop herself from spiraling even further out of control. For the past month, all she had done was sit around and wallow in these thoughts and the worst thought of all: did she cheat to push Callie even further away from her?
Mark was right. When things get tough, she bails. What a depressing thought. Here she was, bailing again, after begging Callie not to run. Callie should’ve run as far as she could the moment Arizona woke up in the hospital.
Her dark thoughts were interrupted by her pager; 911 to the pit. She rolled her eyes and struggled to move toward her leg, doing her best to put it on as quickly as possible. Why didn’t they just page Karev and leave her alone? He’d beat her down there by well over ten minutes and he’d already have assessed and examined and by the time she arrived, they’d all be moving to the operating room. She’d have wasted all of her energy getting down there, then back up to the OR floor and stand uncomfortably and in pain while operating for who knows how long.
Maybe it was time to throw in the towel. Instead of doing big surgeries on little people, it’s time for her to do little diseases on little people. Another depressing thought that plagued her, being just a plain pediatrician. It made better sense for a person with her physical disability, especially if she ever got around to talking to Callie about Sofia. She could sit through consults. Have normal hours. Live a boring life. Alone, of course, because she managed to ruin everything good she once had.
This thought had often crossed her mind, but she never brought it up to Callie while they were still together. She just knew if she did throw in the towel and give up the career she worked so hard to achieve, Callie would blame herself. She didn’t want to cause Callie more pain than she already had, so she fought. She fought so hard to get back to who she once was and failed miserably and ruined everything anyway.
Way to go, Arizona. You really are awesome.
Another sigh escaped her lips as she headed out the door, but the moment before she shut it, she grabbed her crutch. She was just in too much pain to care about using it right now.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Callie was sitting in her apartment later that evening. She had just put Sofia to bed and decided to sit on the couch and wallow with a glass of wine. No sign of Arizona for another evening. She was at a loss, honestly. She was hoping Arizona would have woken up by now. Maybe admit she had some really deep issues and start some counseling to fix them. Anything to lead Arizona back to Callie’s arms, without Callie forcing it upon her, like she’d been doing since the accident.
She was broken out of her thoughts when her phone rang. She glanced at the caller I.D. and raised a brow at what she saw. Why on earth was Barbara Robbins calling her?
“Hello?”
“Hello Callie, dear!” The voice was full of Robbins perk and it automatically brought a smile to her face. She loved the Robbins dearly and she knew they loved her just as much. It was so nice having them, especially after the estrangement from her mother.
“Barbara, hiiii, how are you?” Callie leaned back against the couch.
“Oh fine, dear, fine. You know how it is around here, Daniel’s always busy and I’ve been keeping up with the F.R.P.” It took Callie a moment to remember that Barbara had been volunteering with the Marines Family Readiness Program, especially after the loss of their son. She devoted a lot of time to helping other families cope with loss.
“That’s great, yeah,” Callie honestly didn’t know what else to say.
“Callie, dear, I’m sorry to be calling you like this, but what is going on?” Leave it to Barbara to be as blunt as possible. “I’ve spoken to Arizona, as usual, but these past few weeks she’s been distant and barely talking, forcing the calls to end awkwardly.” There was a deep sign before she continued, “Every time I ask to speak with you, she has another excuse about how you’re not available. I gave her time, but enough is enough.”
Callie licked her lips as she tried to jumbling a ton of thoughts into a coherent sentence. She then sighed, “What has she told you, Barb?”
“That’s just it, Callie… She hasn’t told me anything. Like I said, our conversations have been awkward and heavy handed, like she has the weight of the entire world on her shoulders and when I ask about it, she just closes off or ends the call abruptly.” Barbara sounded like she was close to tears, “What has that girl done now, Callie?”
Callie almost laughed, but schooled herself quickly and sighed, “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, she should, but we haven’t been on good terms for the past month. Arizona… She…” Callie swallowed a soft sob and shook her head, knowing she’d have to get this out, because it was likely Arizona never would, “She cheated on me.”
There was a soft gasp on the other end of the line.
“She’s not okay, Barb. I’ve done everything I could and made so many mistakes in trying to help her, but I just failed misera-“
Barbara cut her off quickly, “Don’t you dare say that, Callie. I know what you’ve done for her and I watched you nurse an angry, distraught, and broken woman. I watched you put her first, even after everything she threw at you, so don’t you dare go there.”
Callie smiled and wiped a tear from her eye, “Thank you, Barbara.” She sighed again, “Arizona said she made a mistake. It hurts, but I’ve long forgiven her, but she’s bailed on me and on Sofia. I’ve been trying to give her space, but it’s not working.”
“What am I going to do with that girl?” Barbara said softly.
They both let that thought simmer for a few moments. “Do you want me to fly over there, Callie? Maybe knock some sense in to her?”
They both laughed. “No, no, give me some time. I think I’ve given her enough and I guess I’m just going to have to force another issue here. I want my wife back and I know Sofia wants her Mama back.”
“I’m so sorry, Callie…” Barbara said softly.
“No, don’t be. She’s sick. There’s something going on deep inside her. She still blames me for saving her life, which scares the hell out of me, Barbara… She’s not really talking and from what others have told me, she’s been working nonstop, so it’s time for me to get involved and I just hope I won’t lose her because of this.” By now, the tears are falling and Callie can’t help but try and sniffle them away.
“I’m behind you one hundred percent, Callie,” Barbara said firmly. “And regardless of what happened between you and my daughter, you have my number and are always welcome to call me, okay, dear?”
“Thank you, Barbara, you have… you have no idea how much I appreciate that.” Arizona was blessed with wonderful parents.
“Anytime dear and please call me, let me know what’s going on, okay? I’m worried about her too.”
“I promise, I will. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight dear.” They hung up and Callie cried for a little longer.
Tomorrow… she would talk to Arizona.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Arizona sighed again, flipping the envelope slowly in her hands.
She laid her head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling, hands still fiddling with the firm paper in her hands.
She had written it when she thought she was in a difference place, very soon after her amputation. She thought she was getting better and hid it away, hoping to never see it again and to never read the dark thoughts she once had. The painful feelings she hid away from everyone, put on page. She had hoped by burying it away she would even hide it from herself, but she was obviously wrong.
She should have burned it long ago, but here she is with that damn envelope in her hands, entertaining thoughts that she knows she shouldn’t be, but she felt exhausted; and desperate; and heartbreakingly sad. But she mostly felt angry; not only at Callie, but at herself as well.
Okay, mostly at herself.
Yeah, Arizona was just really, really angry at herself. She clenched her fists, the envelope and its contents crinkling from the force, and then she just flung it toward her desk. It landed there and rolled in front of her monitor before finally stopping. She felt tears starting to fill her eyes, but quickly forced them at bay as her pager went off.
“Damn it…” she glanced at the offending object, noting it was a 911 from Karev. She struggled to her feet, balancing carefully and grabbed her lab coat on the way out, closing the door behind her.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Callie held her hand up in front of Arizona’s office door and nervously bit her bottom lip before finally knocking on the door. She waited several moments and glanced around with worry when there was no response.
“Arizona..?” she asked as she turned the knob, surprised the door was not locked when she realized Arizona was not inside. She stepped into the room, closing the door behind herself and glanced around. This did not look like Arizona’s office. The garbage can was filled with food wrappers and containers. Clothing was hanging on the couch as well as the coat rack near the door. Arizona was a neat freak and this office was far from neat.
“Oh Arizona…” she frowned as she realized how many tissues were scattered about the room as well. She walked further into the room and flopped onto the chair behind Arizona’s desk and let her head fall into her hands. She couldn’t stop the tears which formed in her eyes.
How did she not realize that Arizona was living in her office? How did she not realize that Arizona needed help? She let her wife flounder when she knew for a fact that Arizona cheating was a symptom of something going on with her. She should have been forcing her wife to get professional help, not letting her wallow in self-punishment.
She glanced across Arizona’s desk, various papers and charts were laid out, but there was also a balled up envelope, which she noticed had her name written across it in Arizona’s stern scrawl. “What is this?” she whispered as she straightened out the envelope. She stared at the letters written, her finger tracing them, somehow making her feel closer to Arizona than she had felt in the last month. Hell, the last six months.
Even when they had become intimate again, she could feel part of Arizona holding back. She wasn’t quite ready, but Callie was desperate and grasping at anything Arizona would offer her, so she pounced, when she really should have taken a step back and really tried to look at the situation. She should have noticed that Arizona was pushing herself to be who Callie needed, and not giving herself the time and patience she needed to just get better.
She sighed deeply, fingers twitching against the envelope in her hands. It wasn’t sealed and she could feel paper inside. She really wanted to read it, but it was crumbled up and Arizona probably intended to throw it away. Was this an invasion of privacy? The door wasn’t locked; the envelope was left there, would it be so bad to read it?
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Arizona was in the middle of surgery with Karev and Yang. There was an accident and the sixteen year old on the table had flown out the windshield because she foolishly wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. Arizona swallowed roughly as she remembered the look on the girl’s face when she was first brought in. Big, beautiful brown eyes, dark brown hair, Latin complexion… she looked like an older Sofia, a younger Callie; broken like they both were in the accident they had all been in together. Karev had to force her into action when she froze in the ER. Now, five hours later, the image was still haunting her while she worked with Karev and Yang to save the young girl.
Only she felt herself freezing up constantly. She had never been happier to have Karev take the lead in a surgery as she was at this very moment. She knew he didn’t need to be there, he was an attending now, after all, but he knew something was up in the ER and forced himself into the OR. She let him take over, observed for the most part, pride in her student and amazed at Yang.
Hour six of the operation was just starting and there was a sudden loud bang and the power in the room disappeared right as the sound ended. There was a second bang and then there was silence for a long moment. Then the screaming started. The room was pitch black, the scream was loud and it cut immediately through the tense air and into Karev’s brain in a painful sting. The power kicked back on a moment later, Karev assumed it was a backup generator. He looked across the table at Yang, who was looking down to her left, where the screaming was coming from.
“GET THEM OUT!” Arizona was on the ground, tears streaming from her eyes, her hands scratching at her prosthetic limb. Her nails had not only broken through the gloves on her hands, but they were bloody from ripping through her scrub pants as well. She turned and looked up at Cristina, “Yang! Yang! Cristina… please… get them out! GET THEM OUT! They’re in… in my leg, I can feel them!” She was scratching at the plastic, through the material of her scrub pants, eyes wide with panic and fear.
“What the hell, Robbins?” Cristina blinked, freezing at the scene in front of her, but only for a moment, because a monitor started blaring that the patient was crashing. She turned back to patient and quickly starting working to fix whatever was necessary to save the patient.
“Robbins!” it was Karev this time. He was trying to get Arizona’s attention, but his hands and eyes were in the cavity in front of him. He and Cristina worked fervently to save the patient while Arizona screamed in the background. The monitors stopped blaring and Karev realized his work was done, he looked up at Cristina, “Can you finish this and I’ll…” He nodded his head toward Arizona, who was still on the ground, screaming and scratching at her fake limb.
“Yeah, fine, you deal better with crazy anyway,” Cristina said while she continued to operate. She looked up at a nurse, “Page Kepner, please.”
The nurse nodded and made her way to the phone in the OR.
She looked back at Alex, “She and I will finish up. Now get her out of here, I can’t concentrate with that screaming.”
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
My dearest Calliope,
Can I even call you that anymore, my dearest? In this moment of clarity, I’m not sure I’m worthy of calling you anything even close to mine. I’m not sure I’m worthy to even be in the same apartment with you; in the same universe as you; breathing the same air as you…
You are an amazing woman. You’ve helped me, even when I pushed you and didn’t want to be helped. And although I may never say it to you, I do appreciate it. I appreciate and love you. But right now, I don’t love myself. And the constant reminder of the plane crash, where my leg used to be, just makes me disgusted and relentlessly in pain. A constant pain that I just can’t quench and I snap and I hurt you and it just destroys me more and more.
I died, Calliope. I thought it was just a part of me that disappeared on that mountain, but I was wrong. I am wrong. And trying to live with you is so painful. I know you don’t understand that. You push me so hard to get back to who I was, but I’m not that girl anymore, Calliope. That girl disappeared when the plane hit the ground and my broken bones became infected, pushing you into an impossible situation.
Why did you promise me?! We both knew. I knew when I first saw my x-ray in Podunk Idaho, but I forced Owen to take me to you, because hearing it from you… I trusted you. I put all my trust in you and now… Now I feel more broken than ever before. I can’t go on like this anymore, Calliope. My heart is totally broken, just like my body and soul and I just… I don’t want to fight anymore, Calliope.
Tim broke his promise to me. Nick broke his promise to me. And now you’ve broken this promise to me. Is that the type of worth I have? That the people I care about the most constantly break their promises to me?
I am spent, Calliope. I am just so tired of seeing red, being angry, feeling pain all over. I just… I hope you understand, because my intentions were never to hurt you. I know that what I’m about to do is going to hurt you and hurt Sofia, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’m done hurting. I’m done hurting you. I’m done hurting Sofia.
This will be better for everyone, so please, understand that I make this decision for you and our family.
And never forget that I loved you. And I will always love you.
Arizona
Callie sat in Arizona’s chair, staring off into space after reading the letter inside the envelope with her name on it. She didn’t understand. And if Arizona was doing whatever decision she had made when she wrote this, she definitely wouldn’t understand.
At all.
She needed to find Arizona.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Alex was staring at his mentor, who was lying in a bed, sedated and mumbling, and it scared the shit out of him. Another crazy woman in his life, but this was the one woman he thought was incredibly sane and grounded. All that changed when she took his place on a plane ride. That should be him, legless and crazy.
“They won’t stop. They never stop. Crawling, crawling, crawling, inside, outside, upside down,” Arizona’s words were breathless as she squirmed in the bed. She was staring off into space, her hands gripping the bed sheets at her sides. “I can see my bone, Calliope. Where are you, Callie?” She started to glance around, the sedation making her body feel foggy and sluggish.
“So, is she okay?” Alex was watching Arizona, but talking to the psych resident next to him.
“She probably will be,” was the response from Dr. Denise Paine.
“Probably? I thought you were a resident? Shouldn’t you know more than just probably?!” Alex had to force himself to not yet, but he was livid.
“Calm down, please,” said Denise softly. “From everything you told me, she’s suffering from PTSD and this might be a mental break. Things can trigger it, make it worse, and it sounds like that’s what happened. You said she hasn’t really been taking good care of herself and she hasn’t been in a good frame of mind because of actions that took place last month, right?”
Alex nodded with a soft sigh.
“And then the power goes out again, large bang with it, and she hit the floor, right?”
She got another nod from Alex.
“It sounds like the combination of stress, not taking care of herself, and then a large crash and power outage triggered her into this state. The sedation will help and hopefully when she calms down, she’ll come out of it,” Denise glanced between patient and student. “You did the right thing, to call us. And we paged Dr. Torres. I know you said not too, but even though there’s some stress there, I believe she can most likely talk Dr. Robbins out of this state.”
Arizona was looking up at Alex, her eyes glazed over from the sedative. She looked as though she was having trouble focusing on anything. “Get them ouuuuut!” She was pouting and still squirming slightly, but she wasn’t screaming anymore and because of the sedative, she was calm enough not to be tied down to the bed.
“Okay. If she’s not here in two minutes, page her again.” Alex stepped to the window in front of the room and crossed his arms; his eyes watched Arizona like a hawk.
A moment later, Callie came around the corner to the nurses’ station and gave the nurse there strange look, “Uh, hi, I was paged here?” She wasn’t used to being paged to the psych floor at all.
“Torres,” Alex said and nodded to the room in front of him.
His voice was shaky and it made a shiver run down her back as she walked over. She stood in front of the window and felt her lungs completely deflate with the scene in front of her. She felt her eyes fill with tears and did nothing to stop them from falling down her face. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and gave Alex a questioning look. She couldn’t form words at the moment, so she turned back to stare at her broken wife.
“We were in surgery and a generator blew. It was loud, I’m sure you heard it. Lights went out and she hit the deck and started screaming.” Alex said, also staring at Arizona.
“She was screaming?” Callie said, just trying to process and make sure she was hearing correctly, despite the fact her ears felt like they were filled with cotton right now; same with her mouth and head.
“She was screaming for us to take them out. I…” Alex cleared his throat and finally looked at Callie again, “I think she was talking about things in her leg.”
Callie gasped softly, and then released that air in a long sigh. “What did the shrinks say?”
“I talked to the resident on her case, Dr. Paine. She said that she thinks Arizona’s PTSD was triggered with the power outage.”
“Dr. Paine? Really?” Callie rolled her eyes before wiping tears away.
“It’s her name. Imagine if she was a surgeon,” Alex managed a small grin.
They sat in silence for another moment. “She doesn’t talk about it,” Callie said, pausing for another short moment. “At all. It’s almost like, if she doesn’t talk about it or think about it, then it didn’t happen… Only she has a constant reminder than it did happen; a constant reminder that I gave to her.” She shook her head while wiping her cheeks.
“We both did,” Alex said, never one to shy away from taking part of the blame.
“No, Karev, you were just the tool. It was my call, but I made that stupid promise. I should have been truthful to her. She knew. She knew from the start what was going to happen, but she needed to hear it from me and I couldn’t say it.” Callie drew in another deep breath, “I couldn’t say it, let alone do it, but I made the right call. I just should have been honest with her.”
“We can’t go back in time and change what happened. And I think she’d still be freaking out either way,” he said with a shrug.
“The difference is that she wouldn’t hate me.”
They both watched in silence as Arizona finally closed her eyes, the sedative sending her into a deep sleep while they questioned everything that has happened since the plane crash.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Fourteen hours later, Arizona was waking up, dazed and confused as to where she was and why she felt so tired and heavy. She licked her lips, trying to moisten them and her mouth, which felt like cotton. It took her a moment, but then she remembered. She held up her hands and saw that her fingers were red and bruised from scratching at her prosthetic leg.
She was messed up.
More messed up than she wanted to admit or believe. She tried to just move on, be what Callie needed her to be, but somewhere along the line she lost herself. And now she was a shell of who was and some sort of disease was tearing her brain apart, making her do things she never would have even considered before.
She glanced around the room and noticed Callie was there, sleeping in a chair next to her bed. After a month of not seeing or talking, here Callie was, once again, super wife. Arizona felt a flare anger go off in her head. How can she be so perfect when I’m falling apart?
“You should run,” Arizona whispered and then licked her lips again. “Run so far away from me and never look back, Calliope. I’m going to ruin you, like I ruin everything else in my life… much like I’ve already ruined myself.” She turned her face away from Callie and closed her eyes, willing this nightmare to go away.
Little did she know Callie was awake and heard every word.
She waited a few minutes, then blinked her eyes and pretended to just be waking up. She turned to Arizona and their eyes met for a moment, before Arizona turned away in shame.
“Hey, hey, is that anyway to treat your wife who just spent the night in an uncomfortable hospital chair?” Callie asked with a small laugh.
Arizona felt tears fill her eyes as she glanced, just for a moment back at Callie and then away from her again.
“I waited for over fourteen hours for you to wake up and now you’re going to give me the cold shoulder?” she tilted her head slightly with a small smile, trying to catch Arizona’s eyes again.
Arizona sighed deeply and glanced back to Callie, looking into her eyes, “Shouldn’t you be home, hating me?”
“There will be plenty of time for that later. Do you still hate me right now?” she asked softly.
Arizona shook her head slightly, “No, right now I love you more than I ever have before… and I didn’t think that was possible.”
Callie smiled widely and raised her hand to gently caress Arizona’s cheek, but the blonde quickly moved away. The action caused Callie to sigh.
“Callie, go home,” Arizona turned away again and swallowed the lump in her throat. She gathered up all of her courage to say her next words. “Run as far away from here as you can. I don’t want to ever hurt you again.”
“You don’t get to make that decision alone, Arizona. Haven’t you learned by now that there are two of us in this relationship? You don’t get to unilaterally decide everything…” Callie’s eyes were stern as she looked into Arizona’s blue eyes, unwaveringly, “You don’t get to decide to kill yourself either.”
Callie shook her head slightly as she gripped Arizona’s hand firmly while a tear gathered in her eyes, “Y-you don’t get to bail on me any-anymore! Ever!” She licked her lips and sniffled back a sob, “I love you, damn it. After all this time, and everything we’ve been through… We made mistakes, we both did, but those mistakes don’t make us bad people, Arizona. I’ve never thought of you in that sort of light… I’ve only… only ever loved you and I know you l-love me. I know it.”
Arizona’s eyes were wide. “How d-did you know I ever thought t-that?”
“I read the letter in your office, Arizona. It was addressed to me…” Callie wiped the tear which fell down her cheek with her free hand.
Arizona sighed, her entire body shuttering slightly with the deepness of the breath. “I wrote that letter months ago, Calliope… When I thought I honestly felt that way, but it was only for a moment. Another moment of weakness for me, I guess, but I love you and Sofia way too much to ever do it. That’s why I wrote the letter. I t-thought if I wrote it down I could get those thoughts out of my head and my system, then they’d go away… And for the most part they did. I dug the letter out again when I…” she couldn’t bring herself to say the words.
“After the storm?” Callie asked.
Arizona nodded, “I was going to write another one and stick it in there, but I got called to surgery.” She looked at Callie, who looked defeated. “You have to understand, I was never going to actually do anything, I was just getting rid of those thoughts and those feelings and that was the only way I felt I could.”
“I understand, Arizona, but you need help,” Callie’s free hand gently wiped tears from Arizona’s face. “I pushed you to get back to who you were before the plane crash. And I pushed for it hard, because I missed you so much. I missed that person and I was devastated watching you go through so much pain. I thought it would help you too, but it was just me being selfish, wanting what I had… And it took time, but I realize that I made mistakes…” Callie shook her head when Arizona tried to cut her off, “We both did, but you never got to process. You never got to process anything. You were still coming to grips with things and I was pushing for sex and…”
Callie sighed deeply, swallowing the lump in her throat, holding the tears back so she could continue. “And you… You’re so strong and with everything going on, you just jumped into trying to get better. You pushed yourself to get back to who you were and I know you did that for me, so thank you. But we both know that we skipped steps, like we tend to do,” Callie gave Arizona a lop-sided smile.
“But what happened after the storm and during the power outage, it’s just proof that you have a problem, Arizona. You have PTSD and it’s affecting you more than you think. Alex and the shrink think so too. That’s why you’re here.” Callie tilted her head slightly and waited until Arizona nodded slightly.
“And I’m not going anywhere, Arizona. Despite everything, I love you. I love you so, so deeply…” Callie watched as Arizona started to cry again. “I know we both hurt each other. We both broke promises. But when I cut your leg off, I had no choice. You were broken and I should have been stronger for you and told you the truth about your leg the moment I saw that x-ray. I shouldn’t have been your doctor, we both know that. And I have to live with that decision for the rest of my life as much as you do.”
Arizona nodded slightly, tears not stopping.
“Because of it you’re alive, so I’m not going to apologize for saving you, for loving you, for wanting you to be here for many, many more years, Arizona. And I know for a fact you’ll come to terms with that in your own time, so if you need to be mad at me, do it. I can take it and you know it.” She grinned slightly when Arizona nodded with her words.
“And I’m hurt and I still feel betrayed, but I’ve come to realize that you’re sick. And we both know the symptoms of PTSD. And I think we both know there’s more behind what happened, so you’re going to get help and I’m going to get help. And we’ll help each other too.” Callie nodded and leaned in to kiss Arizona’s cheek, “I know you have trouble admitting you need help, but we know it. You’re stuck here for a couple days, but after that, you’re moving back into the apartment.”
Arizona opened her mouth to complain, but Callie raised her hand. “Arizona, you’ve been living in your office. I have no idea what you’ve been eating, but it’s obvious you haven’t been taking care of yourself. You’ve been punishing yourself and I think I let you, but that has to end. We love each other and we’ll get through this, okay? Together.”
Arizona stared at Callie, tears still streaming down her face. She nodded slightly while sobbing. Callie moved closer to the bed and wrapped her arms around her wife. She felt Arizona’s nose against her neck and felt the wetness of tears on her skin. She’d never seen her wife so broken, not even after the plane crash. Arizona’s realization that she truly needed help and could not just ignore this away seemed to completely gut her.
“I’m sorry, C-Calliope, so d-deeply sorry I hurt you…” the words were whispered and soft and rushed into Callie’s ear. Arizona held her tighter, not letting Callie move away to look into her eyes. It was a desperate hold and it honestly scared her. “I’m so t-torn and I have all these c-conflicted f-feelings inside and they j-just … They randomly explode inside me and I c-can’t control them anymore.”
Callie felt Arizona’s hands clench into fists which were gripping her scrub top like a lifeline. “I d-don’t want to hurt you, I love you. I love you and S-Sofia so much, but all I do is hurt and cause you p-pain… I don’t know why, Calliope. I’m so messed up and I didn’t want to hurt you or make you run from me, but in the end, I did the one thing that should have sent you running…”
Arizona’s face nuzzled further into Callie’s neck, the intense outpouring of emotion put tears in her eyes. As angry and upset as she was about the infidelity, seeing Arizona this broken up about it really put things into perspective for Callie. She had a sudden feeling of pride spread throughout her body at the realization that she had grown. She was an adult in a relationship which she didn’t want to just walk away from. Yes, they both made mistakes, but they loved one another so much it was palpable and there was no way she was going to walk away from Arizona while she was sick and broken. She wasn’t going to risk the rest of their lives for a mistake made during an illness.
“Shhh…” Callie said softly while rubbing Arizona’s back. “Arizona, you’re sick. You made a mistake. You don’t even understand why, that’s how we know you need help. So, we get you help, okay? And we sort through everything and we’ll come out on the other side stronger. I love you. I’m not throwing away our years together because you’re sick and confused, okay? I love you so much; I’m not going to let that ruin what we have. You need to stop punishing yourself and work to get better. And Sofia and I will be with you every step of the way; you just need to let us in.”
“C-Calliope, I promise, I promise… p-please, don’t leave me. I’m s-sorry for everything…” Arizona was clinging to Callie for dear life.
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” she rubbed Arizona’s back and prayed to a God that she hoped would still listen to help her wife get better.
Pairing: Arizona/Callie
Rating: R
Summary: 30 days after the storm.
A/N I have no idea why I’m bothering publishing this here, most of the community doesn’t seem to like my stuff. But here I am once again. I wrote this months ago. I've been sitting on it, hoping for inspiration to add more, but I've got nothing and felt like sharing this, I guess.
A month after the super storm came and went, Callie still felt like she was moving through a fog. Everything was dense around her and she couldn’t see an end in sight, but she was forced to keep moving for Sofia. She couldn’t just stop and process and work things out in her mind or otherwise because she had a daughter who didn’t deserve to have her life disrupted because of infidelity, regardless of what caused it or who was at fault.
She hadn’t spoken to Arizona since their shouting match in an on-call room the night of the storm. After uttering the words ‘Apparently, I lost you’ they stood and stared at one another for close to ten minutes, then Arizona nodded slightly, spun on her leg and left the room. That was the last time she even saw Arizona. She had no desire to talk to her, even though every fiber of her being knew Arizona was hurting.
The cheating and blaming was just part of Arizona acting out, because she was not okay. At all. And Callie knew it, but she left. Even though she promised Arizona she wouldn’t, but she couldn’t take it after everything they’d be through. She may not have been on that plane, but that didn’t change the fact her life was desperately changed by it. Maybe not nearly as drastically as Arizona’s life was changed, but changed nonetheless.
She pushed too hard, too fast to get things back to how they were pre-crash. In hindsight she realized she never gave Arizona the time to heal emotionally and now she was acting out and, when Callie was honest with herself she knew that Arizona had every right too. She was as much at fault for Arizona cheating as Arizona was and that thought just broke her heart even more, but she wasn’t ready to face her wife, not yet.
Callie sighed and ran a hand through her hair as she reread the chart in front of her for the fourth time. Her brain just didn’t want to stop. She wanted to work and get her mind off her turbulent life, but her dumb brain just doesn’t relent. She felt a presence next to her and glanced over to see Cristina step next to her.
“So yeah, we have something more in common now. You know, the cheating-spouses-and-break-ups club,” Cristina said as she grabbed the chart out of Callie’s hands. “I thought you finished with Minced Meat this morning?” She glanced at the clock; it was four in the afternoon.
Callie snatched the chart back and quickly added a note that she had forgotten earlier. “I finished the surgery at eleven.”
Cristina eyed her, “Jeeze, lost in thought much?”
“Cristina.” Callie sighed, “And maybe we don’t have as much in common as you think. We didn’t break up.”
“Have you even seen her since the storm?” Cristina asked.
Callie shook her head no and finally signed off on the chart and handed it to a nearby nurse.
“Sounds like a break up to me.” Cristina shrugged.
“Well, you’re not me.” Callie spun on her heels and walked into the doctor’s lounge on the orthopedic floor, Cristina was hot on her tail.
“Do you even know where she’s staying?” Cristina asked.
Another shake of Callie’s head and a shrug, “She needs time to process. I need time to process. It’s how we work.”
“And it’s been so successful, hasn’t it?” Cristina laughed as she flopped onto a nearby couch.
It was only then that Callie noticed Karev, Meredith, Kepner, and Avery were already in the lounge. She took a deep breath and started to rub the incoming headache out of her forehead. “What is this; an intervention? I think you guys are talking to the wrong person.” She chuckled and grabbed a cup, pouring herself a cup of crappy coffee.
“She hasn’t left the hospital,” Meredith said softly.
“She doesn’t talk anymore…” that was Alex. His normally present scowl wasn’t on his face, only a thin frown.
“To anyone,” Cristina added at the end of that.
“She’s working,” Avery said.
“A lot,” Kepner added with a shake of her head, “I don’t think she’s slept in over fifty hours.”
“I forced her to go home and she didn’t even fight it,” Avery said and then glanced at the others before looking Callie in the eyes, “Fix it.” He turned and walked out of the room, Kepner following him like a puppy.
Callie’s eyebrows furrowed and she barked a laugh, “I don’t even know where she’s staying.”
“Her office,” Karev said as he stood up. He licked his lips and stared at Callie for several moments, “Look, I know she screwed up...” He glanced at Cristina and Meredith, who were attempting to look like they weren’t interested in what they were saying. “… And she knows it too.”
Alex looked Callie in the eyes; her eyes were just as sad as Arizona’s. They were both in so much pain and he felt a little guilty for being so happy with Jo. “Forgive her, don’t forgive her, it’s not like it would really matter because I can tell you now she’s never going to forgive herself. The last real conversation I had with her all she did was berate herself and say how she was a horrible person… Seriously, something is broken there and we’ve all sat around and watched her deteriorate before our very eyes because we figured she’d snap out of it or something, but she’s not. And she may not realize it or want to accept it and maybe you don’t either, but she needs you and you haven’t even tried to talk to her in over a month!”
When Alex raised his voice, Meredith and Cristina both sat up, moving like they were going to interrupt, but Callie raised her hand, letting them know it was okay, so they just leaned back and watched.
Callie finally looked away from Alex’s intense stare, “She hasn’t talked to me. Or tried to reach me… At all, and honestly, that’s fine, I can accept that, but she hasn’t even asked about Sofia! So, I should drop everything, the issues, the hurt, the pain and go to her and push things? Pushing things is what got us to the point we are now!”
Callie ran a hand through her hair and put the coffee cup she was holding down. She cleared her throat, pushing back the tightness she felt there and the starting of tears in her eyes. “The one thing I’ve realized in this past month is that we’re never going to completely understand what the survivors of that plane crash went through, Alex.”
She glanced at Meredith and Cristina; both looked sheepishly away from Callie. “I wasn’t on that plane and Arizona was right, I acted like I was.” She took another deep breath before continuing, “I pushed her to be her old self, but she changed the second that plane fell out of the sky. I should have never been her doctor, but she was distraught and so upset, how was I supposed to deny her?”
Callie wiped a tear from her cheek, “Any other patient, I would have never made a promise like that. NEVER. But this was my wife. And she was alive and crying and freaking out and it was breaking me watching her hold things together for Sofia, then break down with me. That dumb promise I made!” She took a moment to clear her throat again, “Derek’s hand is fixed. Meredith and Cristina have no residual physical reminders of that crash. They all leaned on one another as crash survivors and worked through their PTSD together, but Arizona… All she had was… me…”
Callie’s voice broke and she licked her lips for a moment. “All she had was me and I pushed her. I yelled at her to get back to herself, while she yelled at me that she was in pain over a broken promise. I never thought about how deeply that would affect her; I just wanted my god damned wife back. And when she was broken, on the floor lying in her own urine, I flung her in the shower and cried about how this was my life too. She changed then, pretended she was getting better. I didn’t even think that something was wrong, because she was coming back to herself. And then I got bitchy about sex.”
Alex looked at Cristina and Meredith uncomfortably, but none of them were willing to interrupt Callie. This seemed to be a cathartic release for her, so they would give it to her and listen. It was amazing how these two women loved each other, but neither were willing to lean on the other and now they were both full of hurt and regrets.
“So I know I had a part in where we are now. I don’t know why she did what she did, but maybe it was all about trust and broken promises. Evening the score, which she managed and I’m incredibly hurt, but there’s a part of me that understands it.” She stared at her wedding ring, which still circled her finger. “But she hasn’t even asked about Sofia and that…” Callie gritted her teeth before shaking her head, “That I can’t understand.”
There was complete silence in the room for several moments before Alex reached out and grabbed Callie’s shoulder, squeezing it gently, “Arizona is punishing herself, so she’s doing the easiest thing she can think of to do that: Staying away from most important things to her.” He looked sadly at her once more, then turned and walked out of the room.
Callie’s eyes widened with the truth of Alex’s words. She hadn’t even thought of that…
“You may not have been on the plane with us, but you have helped us come together, Callie.” Meredith stood up, pulling Cristina up with her. “And yeah, Arizona may have got the worst out of everything, but she’s alive. She needs to come to terms with that, but what she’s doing right now isn’t healthy.”
“From what Alex says, she barely talks to her patients anymore. She doesn’t run around getting them chocolate pudding and stuff like she used too. I think he’s right about the punishing crap.” Cristina just shrugged and tugged Meredith toward the door, “And by the way, we did try this on her and all she did was stand there while we all yapped.”
“Then she asked if we were done and walked out of the room with a blank look on her face,” Meredith said with a small frown.
“Okay, okay…” Callie swallowed the large lump that formed in her throat and nodded slightly. “Thank you for telling me.”
The two left Callie alone in the lounge. She stood there digesting the information she was just given before slamming her fist against the counter. She grimaced and sighed before flopping on the couch. She had never felt such a jumble of emotions invade her system before in her life. So many crappy things have happened to her, but nothing affected her to the core like her wife breaking her trust.
She wanted to just be angry, but it all came back to trust. And she broke her wife’s trust too. And this wasn’t a competition, but honestly, how do you even compete with a leg amputation?
You don’t.
She exhaled heavily and rubbed at her forehead again. She understood her wife a little better after the little blow out following the storm. She didn’t have to hang out with Lauren Boswell for a long time to see the draw she had. She was perky, smart, an amazing surgeon wanted by hospitals all over the world.
Just like Arizona once was.
And she would have to be blind to not see the ways Arizona changed as their relationship blossomed. She grew in positive ways, as did Callie, but there was a lot of bending on Arizona’s behalf. She bent on kids, gave up one of the most prestigious grants, and became friends with Mark Sloan… Lauren is what Arizona could have been, had Callie never met her.
What a depressing thought.
No, she loves Arizona. And losing a leg and cheating are not going to break them permanently, just bend them a little for a while.
For a week she was angry. Really angry and her friends knew it. Avoidance had been a strong point for both of them during their relationship, so she figured they’d avoid for a while, but then come back together. When she hadn’t even seen Arizona after another week had passed, she just let the anger go. She wasn’t really angry anymore, she was worried and scared. Worried that he wife was changed to drastically and permanently for them to fix anything and scared she’d have to give the woman up. The next two weeks the fears grew the longer she hadn’t seen Arizona, but the anger started to simmer again; anger at the blonde for not even attempting to see Sofia, let alone herself.
But Karev, of all people, made such a logical point that Callie understood now. She was absolutely positive Arizona was punishing herself. She was just thankful that the woman was still alive and working, because for a second, just a desperate moment, she wondered if Arizona would have tried to kill herself, because it finally computed that maybe Arizona would have rather died, than be alive without her leg.
And that thought was absolutely the most heartbreaking for Callie. She couldn’t even imagine the pain Arizona was putting herself through, but part of her realized that she never checked on Arizona because subconsciously, she wanted her to suffer. They always knew how to hurt each other the most.
Isn’t that a part of loving someone though? You make yourself completely vulnerable to them. They know your strengths, but your weaknesses as well. They loved each other so completely that they knew exactly what to say to break each other down. And when insecurity and fear overtook them, they hurled daggers at each other, each aimed with precision to do the most damage. That was part of love. The other part, she supposed, was knowing and understanding this and being able to forgive the harsh moments and be better for one another.
Callie wasn’t sure she could step up this time. She had done it, wholeheartedly and repeatedly. She let Arizona take out all her anger and frustration on her. She forgave her wife for not being interested in living for weeks after waking up without a leg. She truly thought things were getting better, but after the storm, she realized she was not helping her wife at all. She really should have forced Arizona to not have her as a doctor, forced her to seek someone to help her cope with her anger. By being a scapegoat, then pushing for Arizona to get to her old self, she did more harm than good.
Another thing she’d have to fix. And the fact she wanted to fix it really helped her realize that she not only still loved Arizona, but she’d already forgiven her wife for her infidelity. It was a mistake, one made by her wife who was most definitely suffering through post-traumatic stress disorder. Trust and promises were broken, but more promises could be made and trust can be earned once again. She was willing to give Arizona that chance, if Arizona could do the same for her.
Would she?
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Arizona was standing at the nurses’ station writing vigorously in a chart. A young blonde nurse stepped behind her and waited several moments before Arizona slowed her writing and glanced at the girl.
No words were spoken and Arizona stared at the nurse.
“Uhm, Dr. Robbins?” the girl said sheepishly.
More staring.
“The Nelson kid is complaining of pain. He’s six hours post op and hasn’t had any pain medication administered yet…” she spoke softly and kept looking into Arizona’s face, then glancing to the ground, then back again.
Arizona stared back at her.
The nurse assumed she was listening, “So…” She paused, the staring continued for a moment, “Uhm…” Arizona tilted her head slightly and then narrowed her eyes. The nurse felt uncomfortable and glanced away again, “Uh, would you like me to give him an initial dose of morphine and check his pain level in four hours?”
Arizona nodded and then turned back to her chart and continued writing, effectively dismissing the nurse. The poor blonde girl scurried away to administer the medication on the boy she spoke of.
“Weren’t you sent home?” Alex said gruffly as he stepped up to the nurses’ station and handed a chart to a dark haired nurse behind the counter.
Arizona shrugged, still writing.
“Avery seemed pretty serious when he told you to go home,” he continued.
Another shrug.
Alex sighed deeply, “Arizona, let’s go talk somewhere. Maybe talking about it will help, because working yourself ragged and not talking is not helping.”
She shook her head, slammed the chart shut, and dropped it behind the nurses’ station. She then spun on her real leg and slowly limped away. Arizona sighed. Having a one legged tantrum certainly wasn’t as effective as a two legged one.
She limped to her office and slipped behind the door, shutting it and locking it behind her. She leaned against the door for a moment, before pain shot up her nonexistent leg and exploded throughout her body. She leaned over and immediately took her prosthetic off. She leaned the limb against the couch on her left and then leaned back against the door again with a sigh.
Glancing around her office, she frowned. She didn’t remember leaving it as messy as it was, but hey, that’s wear and tear for living in an office. She had a bag full of dirty scrubs which she needed to dump in the locker room so they would be cleaned. She made a mental note to go to the Laundromat behind the hospital to wash her unmentionables. She hadn’t even been back to the apartment for clothes; she just bought some necessities at the nearby discount store and lived in scrubs. The thought made her laugh, since she always complained about wearing them. At least they were comfortable, which is more than what can be said for her leg.
If she wasn’t so despondent she would have laughed at the thought.
She heard a grumble and looked down at her stomach, a nauseous feeling fell over her stomach and ran to her head. She couldn’t remember the last time she ate and despite the sound and the feeling, she honestly wasn’t hungry. Using furniture to help her balance, she maneuvered herself behind her desk. She opened the drawer on the right and pulled out a box of crackers. She opened it and shoved a cracker unceremoniously into her mouth.
She felt sore all over and the chewing wasn’t helping. She opened the bottle of water on her desk and took a long pull, forcing the food down her throat. She then leaned back in her chair, debating whether or not to have another one. Feeling the dry, itchiness that it left in her throat, she decided against another cracker.
Was this really her life now?
How could she have done this to her family; to herself? What would her father, or worse, what would Timothy have to say to her now? Her life just seemed to become one disappointment after another for the past few years and she had no idea how to stop herself from spiraling even further out of control. For the past month, all she had done was sit around and wallow in these thoughts and the worst thought of all: did she cheat to push Callie even further away from her?
Mark was right. When things get tough, she bails. What a depressing thought. Here she was, bailing again, after begging Callie not to run. Callie should’ve run as far as she could the moment Arizona woke up in the hospital.
Her dark thoughts were interrupted by her pager; 911 to the pit. She rolled her eyes and struggled to move toward her leg, doing her best to put it on as quickly as possible. Why didn’t they just page Karev and leave her alone? He’d beat her down there by well over ten minutes and he’d already have assessed and examined and by the time she arrived, they’d all be moving to the operating room. She’d have wasted all of her energy getting down there, then back up to the OR floor and stand uncomfortably and in pain while operating for who knows how long.
Maybe it was time to throw in the towel. Instead of doing big surgeries on little people, it’s time for her to do little diseases on little people. Another depressing thought that plagued her, being just a plain pediatrician. It made better sense for a person with her physical disability, especially if she ever got around to talking to Callie about Sofia. She could sit through consults. Have normal hours. Live a boring life. Alone, of course, because she managed to ruin everything good she once had.
This thought had often crossed her mind, but she never brought it up to Callie while they were still together. She just knew if she did throw in the towel and give up the career she worked so hard to achieve, Callie would blame herself. She didn’t want to cause Callie more pain than she already had, so she fought. She fought so hard to get back to who she once was and failed miserably and ruined everything anyway.
Way to go, Arizona. You really are awesome.
Another sigh escaped her lips as she headed out the door, but the moment before she shut it, she grabbed her crutch. She was just in too much pain to care about using it right now.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Callie was sitting in her apartment later that evening. She had just put Sofia to bed and decided to sit on the couch and wallow with a glass of wine. No sign of Arizona for another evening. She was at a loss, honestly. She was hoping Arizona would have woken up by now. Maybe admit she had some really deep issues and start some counseling to fix them. Anything to lead Arizona back to Callie’s arms, without Callie forcing it upon her, like she’d been doing since the accident.
She was broken out of her thoughts when her phone rang. She glanced at the caller I.D. and raised a brow at what she saw. Why on earth was Barbara Robbins calling her?
“Hello?”
“Hello Callie, dear!” The voice was full of Robbins perk and it automatically brought a smile to her face. She loved the Robbins dearly and she knew they loved her just as much. It was so nice having them, especially after the estrangement from her mother.
“Barbara, hiiii, how are you?” Callie leaned back against the couch.
“Oh fine, dear, fine. You know how it is around here, Daniel’s always busy and I’ve been keeping up with the F.R.P.” It took Callie a moment to remember that Barbara had been volunteering with the Marines Family Readiness Program, especially after the loss of their son. She devoted a lot of time to helping other families cope with loss.
“That’s great, yeah,” Callie honestly didn’t know what else to say.
“Callie, dear, I’m sorry to be calling you like this, but what is going on?” Leave it to Barbara to be as blunt as possible. “I’ve spoken to Arizona, as usual, but these past few weeks she’s been distant and barely talking, forcing the calls to end awkwardly.” There was a deep sign before she continued, “Every time I ask to speak with you, she has another excuse about how you’re not available. I gave her time, but enough is enough.”
Callie licked her lips as she tried to jumbling a ton of thoughts into a coherent sentence. She then sighed, “What has she told you, Barb?”
“That’s just it, Callie… She hasn’t told me anything. Like I said, our conversations have been awkward and heavy handed, like she has the weight of the entire world on her shoulders and when I ask about it, she just closes off or ends the call abruptly.” Barbara sounded like she was close to tears, “What has that girl done now, Callie?”
Callie almost laughed, but schooled herself quickly and sighed, “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, she should, but we haven’t been on good terms for the past month. Arizona… She…” Callie swallowed a soft sob and shook her head, knowing she’d have to get this out, because it was likely Arizona never would, “She cheated on me.”
There was a soft gasp on the other end of the line.
“She’s not okay, Barb. I’ve done everything I could and made so many mistakes in trying to help her, but I just failed misera-“
Barbara cut her off quickly, “Don’t you dare say that, Callie. I know what you’ve done for her and I watched you nurse an angry, distraught, and broken woman. I watched you put her first, even after everything she threw at you, so don’t you dare go there.”
Callie smiled and wiped a tear from her eye, “Thank you, Barbara.” She sighed again, “Arizona said she made a mistake. It hurts, but I’ve long forgiven her, but she’s bailed on me and on Sofia. I’ve been trying to give her space, but it’s not working.”
“What am I going to do with that girl?” Barbara said softly.
They both let that thought simmer for a few moments. “Do you want me to fly over there, Callie? Maybe knock some sense in to her?”
They both laughed. “No, no, give me some time. I think I’ve given her enough and I guess I’m just going to have to force another issue here. I want my wife back and I know Sofia wants her Mama back.”
“I’m so sorry, Callie…” Barbara said softly.
“No, don’t be. She’s sick. There’s something going on deep inside her. She still blames me for saving her life, which scares the hell out of me, Barbara… She’s not really talking and from what others have told me, she’s been working nonstop, so it’s time for me to get involved and I just hope I won’t lose her because of this.” By now, the tears are falling and Callie can’t help but try and sniffle them away.
“I’m behind you one hundred percent, Callie,” Barbara said firmly. “And regardless of what happened between you and my daughter, you have my number and are always welcome to call me, okay, dear?”
“Thank you, Barbara, you have… you have no idea how much I appreciate that.” Arizona was blessed with wonderful parents.
“Anytime dear and please call me, let me know what’s going on, okay? I’m worried about her too.”
“I promise, I will. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight dear.” They hung up and Callie cried for a little longer.
Tomorrow… she would talk to Arizona.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Arizona sighed again, flipping the envelope slowly in her hands.
She laid her head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling, hands still fiddling with the firm paper in her hands.
She had written it when she thought she was in a difference place, very soon after her amputation. She thought she was getting better and hid it away, hoping to never see it again and to never read the dark thoughts she once had. The painful feelings she hid away from everyone, put on page. She had hoped by burying it away she would even hide it from herself, but she was obviously wrong.
She should have burned it long ago, but here she is with that damn envelope in her hands, entertaining thoughts that she knows she shouldn’t be, but she felt exhausted; and desperate; and heartbreakingly sad. But she mostly felt angry; not only at Callie, but at herself as well.
Okay, mostly at herself.
Yeah, Arizona was just really, really angry at herself. She clenched her fists, the envelope and its contents crinkling from the force, and then she just flung it toward her desk. It landed there and rolled in front of her monitor before finally stopping. She felt tears starting to fill her eyes, but quickly forced them at bay as her pager went off.
“Damn it…” she glanced at the offending object, noting it was a 911 from Karev. She struggled to her feet, balancing carefully and grabbed her lab coat on the way out, closing the door behind her.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Callie held her hand up in front of Arizona’s office door and nervously bit her bottom lip before finally knocking on the door. She waited several moments and glanced around with worry when there was no response.
“Arizona..?” she asked as she turned the knob, surprised the door was not locked when she realized Arizona was not inside. She stepped into the room, closing the door behind herself and glanced around. This did not look like Arizona’s office. The garbage can was filled with food wrappers and containers. Clothing was hanging on the couch as well as the coat rack near the door. Arizona was a neat freak and this office was far from neat.
“Oh Arizona…” she frowned as she realized how many tissues were scattered about the room as well. She walked further into the room and flopped onto the chair behind Arizona’s desk and let her head fall into her hands. She couldn’t stop the tears which formed in her eyes.
How did she not realize that Arizona was living in her office? How did she not realize that Arizona needed help? She let her wife flounder when she knew for a fact that Arizona cheating was a symptom of something going on with her. She should have been forcing her wife to get professional help, not letting her wallow in self-punishment.
She glanced across Arizona’s desk, various papers and charts were laid out, but there was also a balled up envelope, which she noticed had her name written across it in Arizona’s stern scrawl. “What is this?” she whispered as she straightened out the envelope. She stared at the letters written, her finger tracing them, somehow making her feel closer to Arizona than she had felt in the last month. Hell, the last six months.
Even when they had become intimate again, she could feel part of Arizona holding back. She wasn’t quite ready, but Callie was desperate and grasping at anything Arizona would offer her, so she pounced, when she really should have taken a step back and really tried to look at the situation. She should have noticed that Arizona was pushing herself to be who Callie needed, and not giving herself the time and patience she needed to just get better.
She sighed deeply, fingers twitching against the envelope in her hands. It wasn’t sealed and she could feel paper inside. She really wanted to read it, but it was crumbled up and Arizona probably intended to throw it away. Was this an invasion of privacy? The door wasn’t locked; the envelope was left there, would it be so bad to read it?
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Arizona was in the middle of surgery with Karev and Yang. There was an accident and the sixteen year old on the table had flown out the windshield because she foolishly wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. Arizona swallowed roughly as she remembered the look on the girl’s face when she was first brought in. Big, beautiful brown eyes, dark brown hair, Latin complexion… she looked like an older Sofia, a younger Callie; broken like they both were in the accident they had all been in together. Karev had to force her into action when she froze in the ER. Now, five hours later, the image was still haunting her while she worked with Karev and Yang to save the young girl.
Only she felt herself freezing up constantly. She had never been happier to have Karev take the lead in a surgery as she was at this very moment. She knew he didn’t need to be there, he was an attending now, after all, but he knew something was up in the ER and forced himself into the OR. She let him take over, observed for the most part, pride in her student and amazed at Yang.
Hour six of the operation was just starting and there was a sudden loud bang and the power in the room disappeared right as the sound ended. There was a second bang and then there was silence for a long moment. Then the screaming started. The room was pitch black, the scream was loud and it cut immediately through the tense air and into Karev’s brain in a painful sting. The power kicked back on a moment later, Karev assumed it was a backup generator. He looked across the table at Yang, who was looking down to her left, where the screaming was coming from.
“GET THEM OUT!” Arizona was on the ground, tears streaming from her eyes, her hands scratching at her prosthetic limb. Her nails had not only broken through the gloves on her hands, but they were bloody from ripping through her scrub pants as well. She turned and looked up at Cristina, “Yang! Yang! Cristina… please… get them out! GET THEM OUT! They’re in… in my leg, I can feel them!” She was scratching at the plastic, through the material of her scrub pants, eyes wide with panic and fear.
“What the hell, Robbins?” Cristina blinked, freezing at the scene in front of her, but only for a moment, because a monitor started blaring that the patient was crashing. She turned back to patient and quickly starting working to fix whatever was necessary to save the patient.
“Robbins!” it was Karev this time. He was trying to get Arizona’s attention, but his hands and eyes were in the cavity in front of him. He and Cristina worked fervently to save the patient while Arizona screamed in the background. The monitors stopped blaring and Karev realized his work was done, he looked up at Cristina, “Can you finish this and I’ll…” He nodded his head toward Arizona, who was still on the ground, screaming and scratching at her fake limb.
“Yeah, fine, you deal better with crazy anyway,” Cristina said while she continued to operate. She looked up at a nurse, “Page Kepner, please.”
The nurse nodded and made her way to the phone in the OR.
She looked back at Alex, “She and I will finish up. Now get her out of here, I can’t concentrate with that screaming.”
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
My dearest Calliope,
Can I even call you that anymore, my dearest? In this moment of clarity, I’m not sure I’m worthy of calling you anything even close to mine. I’m not sure I’m worthy to even be in the same apartment with you; in the same universe as you; breathing the same air as you…
You are an amazing woman. You’ve helped me, even when I pushed you and didn’t want to be helped. And although I may never say it to you, I do appreciate it. I appreciate and love you. But right now, I don’t love myself. And the constant reminder of the plane crash, where my leg used to be, just makes me disgusted and relentlessly in pain. A constant pain that I just can’t quench and I snap and I hurt you and it just destroys me more and more.
I died, Calliope. I thought it was just a part of me that disappeared on that mountain, but I was wrong. I am wrong. And trying to live with you is so painful. I know you don’t understand that. You push me so hard to get back to who I was, but I’m not that girl anymore, Calliope. That girl disappeared when the plane hit the ground and my broken bones became infected, pushing you into an impossible situation.
Why did you promise me?! We both knew. I knew when I first saw my x-ray in Podunk Idaho, but I forced Owen to take me to you, because hearing it from you… I trusted you. I put all my trust in you and now… Now I feel more broken than ever before. I can’t go on like this anymore, Calliope. My heart is totally broken, just like my body and soul and I just… I don’t want to fight anymore, Calliope.
Tim broke his promise to me. Nick broke his promise to me. And now you’ve broken this promise to me. Is that the type of worth I have? That the people I care about the most constantly break their promises to me?
I am spent, Calliope. I am just so tired of seeing red, being angry, feeling pain all over. I just… I hope you understand, because my intentions were never to hurt you. I know that what I’m about to do is going to hurt you and hurt Sofia, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’m done hurting. I’m done hurting you. I’m done hurting Sofia.
This will be better for everyone, so please, understand that I make this decision for you and our family.
And never forget that I loved you. And I will always love you.
Arizona
Callie sat in Arizona’s chair, staring off into space after reading the letter inside the envelope with her name on it. She didn’t understand. And if Arizona was doing whatever decision she had made when she wrote this, she definitely wouldn’t understand.
At all.
She needed to find Arizona.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Alex was staring at his mentor, who was lying in a bed, sedated and mumbling, and it scared the shit out of him. Another crazy woman in his life, but this was the one woman he thought was incredibly sane and grounded. All that changed when she took his place on a plane ride. That should be him, legless and crazy.
“They won’t stop. They never stop. Crawling, crawling, crawling, inside, outside, upside down,” Arizona’s words were breathless as she squirmed in the bed. She was staring off into space, her hands gripping the bed sheets at her sides. “I can see my bone, Calliope. Where are you, Callie?” She started to glance around, the sedation making her body feel foggy and sluggish.
“So, is she okay?” Alex was watching Arizona, but talking to the psych resident next to him.
“She probably will be,” was the response from Dr. Denise Paine.
“Probably? I thought you were a resident? Shouldn’t you know more than just probably?!” Alex had to force himself to not yet, but he was livid.
“Calm down, please,” said Denise softly. “From everything you told me, she’s suffering from PTSD and this might be a mental break. Things can trigger it, make it worse, and it sounds like that’s what happened. You said she hasn’t really been taking good care of herself and she hasn’t been in a good frame of mind because of actions that took place last month, right?”
Alex nodded with a soft sigh.
“And then the power goes out again, large bang with it, and she hit the floor, right?”
She got another nod from Alex.
“It sounds like the combination of stress, not taking care of herself, and then a large crash and power outage triggered her into this state. The sedation will help and hopefully when she calms down, she’ll come out of it,” Denise glanced between patient and student. “You did the right thing, to call us. And we paged Dr. Torres. I know you said not too, but even though there’s some stress there, I believe she can most likely talk Dr. Robbins out of this state.”
Arizona was looking up at Alex, her eyes glazed over from the sedative. She looked as though she was having trouble focusing on anything. “Get them ouuuuut!” She was pouting and still squirming slightly, but she wasn’t screaming anymore and because of the sedative, she was calm enough not to be tied down to the bed.
“Okay. If she’s not here in two minutes, page her again.” Alex stepped to the window in front of the room and crossed his arms; his eyes watched Arizona like a hawk.
A moment later, Callie came around the corner to the nurses’ station and gave the nurse there strange look, “Uh, hi, I was paged here?” She wasn’t used to being paged to the psych floor at all.
“Torres,” Alex said and nodded to the room in front of him.
His voice was shaky and it made a shiver run down her back as she walked over. She stood in front of the window and felt her lungs completely deflate with the scene in front of her. She felt her eyes fill with tears and did nothing to stop them from falling down her face. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and gave Alex a questioning look. She couldn’t form words at the moment, so she turned back to stare at her broken wife.
“We were in surgery and a generator blew. It was loud, I’m sure you heard it. Lights went out and she hit the deck and started screaming.” Alex said, also staring at Arizona.
“She was screaming?” Callie said, just trying to process and make sure she was hearing correctly, despite the fact her ears felt like they were filled with cotton right now; same with her mouth and head.
“She was screaming for us to take them out. I…” Alex cleared his throat and finally looked at Callie again, “I think she was talking about things in her leg.”
Callie gasped softly, and then released that air in a long sigh. “What did the shrinks say?”
“I talked to the resident on her case, Dr. Paine. She said that she thinks Arizona’s PTSD was triggered with the power outage.”
“Dr. Paine? Really?” Callie rolled her eyes before wiping tears away.
“It’s her name. Imagine if she was a surgeon,” Alex managed a small grin.
They sat in silence for another moment. “She doesn’t talk about it,” Callie said, pausing for another short moment. “At all. It’s almost like, if she doesn’t talk about it or think about it, then it didn’t happen… Only she has a constant reminder than it did happen; a constant reminder that I gave to her.” She shook her head while wiping her cheeks.
“We both did,” Alex said, never one to shy away from taking part of the blame.
“No, Karev, you were just the tool. It was my call, but I made that stupid promise. I should have been truthful to her. She knew. She knew from the start what was going to happen, but she needed to hear it from me and I couldn’t say it.” Callie drew in another deep breath, “I couldn’t say it, let alone do it, but I made the right call. I just should have been honest with her.”
“We can’t go back in time and change what happened. And I think she’d still be freaking out either way,” he said with a shrug.
“The difference is that she wouldn’t hate me.”
They both watched in silence as Arizona finally closed her eyes, the sedative sending her into a deep sleep while they questioned everything that has happened since the plane crash.
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Fourteen hours later, Arizona was waking up, dazed and confused as to where she was and why she felt so tired and heavy. She licked her lips, trying to moisten them and her mouth, which felt like cotton. It took her a moment, but then she remembered. She held up her hands and saw that her fingers were red and bruised from scratching at her prosthetic leg.
She was messed up.
More messed up than she wanted to admit or believe. She tried to just move on, be what Callie needed her to be, but somewhere along the line she lost herself. And now she was a shell of who was and some sort of disease was tearing her brain apart, making her do things she never would have even considered before.
She glanced around the room and noticed Callie was there, sleeping in a chair next to her bed. After a month of not seeing or talking, here Callie was, once again, super wife. Arizona felt a flare anger go off in her head. How can she be so perfect when I’m falling apart?
“You should run,” Arizona whispered and then licked her lips again. “Run so far away from me and never look back, Calliope. I’m going to ruin you, like I ruin everything else in my life… much like I’ve already ruined myself.” She turned her face away from Callie and closed her eyes, willing this nightmare to go away.
Little did she know Callie was awake and heard every word.
She waited a few minutes, then blinked her eyes and pretended to just be waking up. She turned to Arizona and their eyes met for a moment, before Arizona turned away in shame.
“Hey, hey, is that anyway to treat your wife who just spent the night in an uncomfortable hospital chair?” Callie asked with a small laugh.
Arizona felt tears fill her eyes as she glanced, just for a moment back at Callie and then away from her again.
“I waited for over fourteen hours for you to wake up and now you’re going to give me the cold shoulder?” she tilted her head slightly with a small smile, trying to catch Arizona’s eyes again.
Arizona sighed deeply and glanced back to Callie, looking into her eyes, “Shouldn’t you be home, hating me?”
“There will be plenty of time for that later. Do you still hate me right now?” she asked softly.
Arizona shook her head slightly, “No, right now I love you more than I ever have before… and I didn’t think that was possible.”
Callie smiled widely and raised her hand to gently caress Arizona’s cheek, but the blonde quickly moved away. The action caused Callie to sigh.
“Callie, go home,” Arizona turned away again and swallowed the lump in her throat. She gathered up all of her courage to say her next words. “Run as far away from here as you can. I don’t want to ever hurt you again.”
“You don’t get to make that decision alone, Arizona. Haven’t you learned by now that there are two of us in this relationship? You don’t get to unilaterally decide everything…” Callie’s eyes were stern as she looked into Arizona’s blue eyes, unwaveringly, “You don’t get to decide to kill yourself either.”
Callie shook her head slightly as she gripped Arizona’s hand firmly while a tear gathered in her eyes, “Y-you don’t get to bail on me any-anymore! Ever!” She licked her lips and sniffled back a sob, “I love you, damn it. After all this time, and everything we’ve been through… We made mistakes, we both did, but those mistakes don’t make us bad people, Arizona. I’ve never thought of you in that sort of light… I’ve only… only ever loved you and I know you l-love me. I know it.”
Arizona’s eyes were wide. “How d-did you know I ever thought t-that?”
“I read the letter in your office, Arizona. It was addressed to me…” Callie wiped the tear which fell down her cheek with her free hand.
Arizona sighed, her entire body shuttering slightly with the deepness of the breath. “I wrote that letter months ago, Calliope… When I thought I honestly felt that way, but it was only for a moment. Another moment of weakness for me, I guess, but I love you and Sofia way too much to ever do it. That’s why I wrote the letter. I t-thought if I wrote it down I could get those thoughts out of my head and my system, then they’d go away… And for the most part they did. I dug the letter out again when I…” she couldn’t bring herself to say the words.
“After the storm?” Callie asked.
Arizona nodded, “I was going to write another one and stick it in there, but I got called to surgery.” She looked at Callie, who looked defeated. “You have to understand, I was never going to actually do anything, I was just getting rid of those thoughts and those feelings and that was the only way I felt I could.”
“I understand, Arizona, but you need help,” Callie’s free hand gently wiped tears from Arizona’s face. “I pushed you to get back to who you were before the plane crash. And I pushed for it hard, because I missed you so much. I missed that person and I was devastated watching you go through so much pain. I thought it would help you too, but it was just me being selfish, wanting what I had… And it took time, but I realize that I made mistakes…” Callie shook her head when Arizona tried to cut her off, “We both did, but you never got to process. You never got to process anything. You were still coming to grips with things and I was pushing for sex and…”
Callie sighed deeply, swallowing the lump in her throat, holding the tears back so she could continue. “And you… You’re so strong and with everything going on, you just jumped into trying to get better. You pushed yourself to get back to who you were and I know you did that for me, so thank you. But we both know that we skipped steps, like we tend to do,” Callie gave Arizona a lop-sided smile.
“But what happened after the storm and during the power outage, it’s just proof that you have a problem, Arizona. You have PTSD and it’s affecting you more than you think. Alex and the shrink think so too. That’s why you’re here.” Callie tilted her head slightly and waited until Arizona nodded slightly.
“And I’m not going anywhere, Arizona. Despite everything, I love you. I love you so, so deeply…” Callie watched as Arizona started to cry again. “I know we both hurt each other. We both broke promises. But when I cut your leg off, I had no choice. You were broken and I should have been stronger for you and told you the truth about your leg the moment I saw that x-ray. I shouldn’t have been your doctor, we both know that. And I have to live with that decision for the rest of my life as much as you do.”
Arizona nodded slightly, tears not stopping.
“Because of it you’re alive, so I’m not going to apologize for saving you, for loving you, for wanting you to be here for many, many more years, Arizona. And I know for a fact you’ll come to terms with that in your own time, so if you need to be mad at me, do it. I can take it and you know it.” She grinned slightly when Arizona nodded with her words.
“And I’m hurt and I still feel betrayed, but I’ve come to realize that you’re sick. And we both know the symptoms of PTSD. And I think we both know there’s more behind what happened, so you’re going to get help and I’m going to get help. And we’ll help each other too.” Callie nodded and leaned in to kiss Arizona’s cheek, “I know you have trouble admitting you need help, but we know it. You’re stuck here for a couple days, but after that, you’re moving back into the apartment.”
Arizona opened her mouth to complain, but Callie raised her hand. “Arizona, you’ve been living in your office. I have no idea what you’ve been eating, but it’s obvious you haven’t been taking care of yourself. You’ve been punishing yourself and I think I let you, but that has to end. We love each other and we’ll get through this, okay? Together.”
Arizona stared at Callie, tears still streaming down her face. She nodded slightly while sobbing. Callie moved closer to the bed and wrapped her arms around her wife. She felt Arizona’s nose against her neck and felt the wetness of tears on her skin. She’d never seen her wife so broken, not even after the plane crash. Arizona’s realization that she truly needed help and could not just ignore this away seemed to completely gut her.
“I’m sorry, C-Calliope, so d-deeply sorry I hurt you…” the words were whispered and soft and rushed into Callie’s ear. Arizona held her tighter, not letting Callie move away to look into her eyes. It was a desperate hold and it honestly scared her. “I’m so t-torn and I have all these c-conflicted f-feelings inside and they j-just … They randomly explode inside me and I c-can’t control them anymore.”
Callie felt Arizona’s hands clench into fists which were gripping her scrub top like a lifeline. “I d-don’t want to hurt you, I love you. I love you and S-Sofia so much, but all I do is hurt and cause you p-pain… I don’t know why, Calliope. I’m so messed up and I didn’t want to hurt you or make you run from me, but in the end, I did the one thing that should have sent you running…”
Arizona’s face nuzzled further into Callie’s neck, the intense outpouring of emotion put tears in her eyes. As angry and upset as she was about the infidelity, seeing Arizona this broken up about it really put things into perspective for Callie. She had a sudden feeling of pride spread throughout her body at the realization that she had grown. She was an adult in a relationship which she didn’t want to just walk away from. Yes, they both made mistakes, but they loved one another so much it was palpable and there was no way she was going to walk away from Arizona while she was sick and broken. She wasn’t going to risk the rest of their lives for a mistake made during an illness.
“Shhh…” Callie said softly while rubbing Arizona’s back. “Arizona, you’re sick. You made a mistake. You don’t even understand why, that’s how we know you need help. So, we get you help, okay? And we sort through everything and we’ll come out on the other side stronger. I love you. I’m not throwing away our years together because you’re sick and confused, okay? I love you so much; I’m not going to let that ruin what we have. You need to stop punishing yourself and work to get better. And Sofia and I will be with you every step of the way; you just need to let us in.”
“C-Calliope, I promise, I promise… p-please, don’t leave me. I’m s-sorry for everything…” Arizona was clinging to Callie for dear life.
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” she rubbed Arizona’s back and prayed to a God that she hoped would still listen to help her wife get better.