...now for that update....
Well, for those of you who have been wondering whether or not I'm ok, I am. Thank you for the concern. This past week has been....well, rough. There was just recently a death in the family that has hit this family really hard. I don't do well in situations like this at all. It's funny how to me reality is so surreal.
Last Thursday night, I was watching TV and my brother came downstairs with a horrible look on his face. He only has that look when something horrible has happend. The last time I saw that look on his face was when one of our dogs had been run over. I played the look off for awhile dreading to hear what he had to say. After awhile I had to ask him. I dont know why he just couldnt of just come out and say it instead of waiting for me to say something. He said that my uncle had just died in a car accident. My mother was at my gandmothers at the time, and heard the news from her then. After hearing what had happend, everyone started crying but me.... We were actually close but I didn't feel the need to cry. I couldnt and I felt bad that I wasnt. My mother finally came home and went downstairs and told me the news again in tears. "I know mom, Noel told me" I said to her. She knocked on my sisters door and told her. Not able to bare the sounds of sadness I had to leave the room. I went upstairs and layed in my bed. I just couldnt believe it. The entire time I would just imagine that he was on a trip somewhere, or at work, or at a party somewhere. I had to get some sleep for I had work the next day.
I felt that I had to go to work because I would of felt that I was benifiting from his death. I was there for awhile and Leyla showed up. She was there for a job interview and came outside to visit me. I got a phone call just then from my brother. Usually I dont answer the phone during work, but during these times, I had to. He was at my grandmothers where everyone had gathered for dinner. He was wondering where I was. To sum it up, I left work to be there. I really didnt want to go because of all the pain and sorrow I had to see on people faces. I didnt want to hear the screams of crying, or see the tears falling. When I arrived, everyone was doing exactly that......crying. Everyone but me and my grandfather. I sat down and just wanted to stay there. I didnt want to get up, didnt want to eat, I didnt want to do anything. I just sat there. My grandmother still in bed after two days, not wanting to get up, started screaming at the top of her lungs. It was really hard to be there. More people were there than I had expected. His friends, ferternity brothers, and...........his fiance. Well......she was going to be his fiance........... apparently that night he was going to shop for the ring. My uncle was very young. He was only 29. Just this past tuesday he would of been 30. Hence his fertinity brothers being there. After being there for awhile, my brother and I went home.
The wake wasnt going to be any easier. My cousins came in from Texas the night before the viewing and stayed here in the lower floor. The next day we went to the wake. I didnt want to go in, but I had to. When I walked into the door I stayed there. I didnt want to move. Just seeing his face would kill me. Everyone went into the room where the casket was, but I stayed at the door. They kept asking me to come in but I just couldnt. It wasnt until they said it was a closed casket that I finally decided to go in. After the service, the friends where allowed to come in. He had A LOT of friends. There was a line of people that started outside the funeral home. I got a little pissed off at a few people who had text messaged me asking to hang out after telling them where I was going!!! For the people who didnt know, I wasnt so mad. But for the people who I just talked to just an hour before the viewing, yeah I was pissed. My gandmother cried so much, and started screaming so bad they had to take her away. They were afraid of loosing her too.....
The funeral was the very next day, early in the morning. It wouldnt be until this day where reality would finally hit me. I was a paul barer(spelling) which meant I would be one of the people who had to carry the casket. At the church, where we had the service, is when it became real emotional. Michelle, my uncles fiance, had written a poem she wanted everyone to hear........ that was truely heartbreaking...... it wasnt until that poem is when I started to cry......... he was going to ask her to marry him on her birthday next week............ man that was so sad............. i could feel her pain........... After that, I helped carry the casket......... and the tears overflowed. When looking among the faces of our friends and family was Patrick Poole. It was really nice of him to come out and show his respect, for he might be part of my family some day. When we arrived at the grave site, I helped carry the casket out once more. My grandmother was the worst here. She was crying so hard, and so loud that the more she screamed out the louder everyone elses cries where. They had to take her away fearing she may pass out...or worse. She didnt want to leave her baby, she cried out. But it was for her own good. If she had stayed any longer, she literally may not have survived it. She didnt want to leave without putting the flowers on his casket, but they were already dragging her away. So in a desperate effort, she threw the flowers at the casket creating a horrible and emotional scene. They got her in the car and took her away. Michelle, the fiance, was the last one at the casket.................. that to me was harder to see than my grandmother............. she hugged and kissed the casket just before they lowered it............... in her poem that she gave out at the church, one of the lines explained that my uncle wasnt really dead, but took another form of beauty.......one of those forms being a bird................ just then she looked to the sky and cried out................ a single bird flew over the casket and her................. that was intense................. everyone there saw this bird......... and all felt the same thing............. again she kissed the casket one more time as they lowered it down............... i couldnt help but imagine if i was in that casket............. if i had a loved one.......... someone i wanted to marry.......... someone i wanted to spend the rest of my life with be there............. it made me fear of dying alone................. man, I dont want to go to another funeral. I dont know if I could take that again........
Oh well, everyone is better now. Sorry everyone who has been worried. I've just had to have some time to myself these past few days. Thanks everyone for your support. Maybe Ill have a happy entry in the future............
Last Thursday night, I was watching TV and my brother came downstairs with a horrible look on his face. He only has that look when something horrible has happend. The last time I saw that look on his face was when one of our dogs had been run over. I played the look off for awhile dreading to hear what he had to say. After awhile I had to ask him. I dont know why he just couldnt of just come out and say it instead of waiting for me to say something. He said that my uncle had just died in a car accident. My mother was at my gandmothers at the time, and heard the news from her then. After hearing what had happend, everyone started crying but me.... We were actually close but I didn't feel the need to cry. I couldnt and I felt bad that I wasnt. My mother finally came home and went downstairs and told me the news again in tears. "I know mom, Noel told me" I said to her. She knocked on my sisters door and told her. Not able to bare the sounds of sadness I had to leave the room. I went upstairs and layed in my bed. I just couldnt believe it. The entire time I would just imagine that he was on a trip somewhere, or at work, or at a party somewhere. I had to get some sleep for I had work the next day.
I felt that I had to go to work because I would of felt that I was benifiting from his death. I was there for awhile and Leyla showed up. She was there for a job interview and came outside to visit me. I got a phone call just then from my brother. Usually I dont answer the phone during work, but during these times, I had to. He was at my grandmothers where everyone had gathered for dinner. He was wondering where I was. To sum it up, I left work to be there. I really didnt want to go because of all the pain and sorrow I had to see on people faces. I didnt want to hear the screams of crying, or see the tears falling. When I arrived, everyone was doing exactly that......crying. Everyone but me and my grandfather. I sat down and just wanted to stay there. I didnt want to get up, didnt want to eat, I didnt want to do anything. I just sat there. My grandmother still in bed after two days, not wanting to get up, started screaming at the top of her lungs. It was really hard to be there. More people were there than I had expected. His friends, ferternity brothers, and...........his fiance. Well......she was going to be his fiance........... apparently that night he was going to shop for the ring. My uncle was very young. He was only 29. Just this past tuesday he would of been 30. Hence his fertinity brothers being there. After being there for awhile, my brother and I went home.
The wake wasnt going to be any easier. My cousins came in from Texas the night before the viewing and stayed here in the lower floor. The next day we went to the wake. I didnt want to go in, but I had to. When I walked into the door I stayed there. I didnt want to move. Just seeing his face would kill me. Everyone went into the room where the casket was, but I stayed at the door. They kept asking me to come in but I just couldnt. It wasnt until they said it was a closed casket that I finally decided to go in. After the service, the friends where allowed to come in. He had A LOT of friends. There was a line of people that started outside the funeral home. I got a little pissed off at a few people who had text messaged me asking to hang out after telling them where I was going!!! For the people who didnt know, I wasnt so mad. But for the people who I just talked to just an hour before the viewing, yeah I was pissed. My gandmother cried so much, and started screaming so bad they had to take her away. They were afraid of loosing her too.....
The funeral was the very next day, early in the morning. It wouldnt be until this day where reality would finally hit me. I was a paul barer(spelling) which meant I would be one of the people who had to carry the casket. At the church, where we had the service, is when it became real emotional. Michelle, my uncles fiance, had written a poem she wanted everyone to hear........ that was truely heartbreaking...... it wasnt until that poem is when I started to cry......... he was going to ask her to marry him on her birthday next week............ man that was so sad............. i could feel her pain........... After that, I helped carry the casket......... and the tears overflowed. When looking among the faces of our friends and family was Patrick Poole. It was really nice of him to come out and show his respect, for he might be part of my family some day. When we arrived at the grave site, I helped carry the casket out once more. My grandmother was the worst here. She was crying so hard, and so loud that the more she screamed out the louder everyone elses cries where. They had to take her away fearing she may pass out...or worse. She didnt want to leave her baby, she cried out. But it was for her own good. If she had stayed any longer, she literally may not have survived it. She didnt want to leave without putting the flowers on his casket, but they were already dragging her away. So in a desperate effort, she threw the flowers at the casket creating a horrible and emotional scene. They got her in the car and took her away. Michelle, the fiance, was the last one at the casket.................. that to me was harder to see than my grandmother............. she hugged and kissed the casket just before they lowered it............... in her poem that she gave out at the church, one of the lines explained that my uncle wasnt really dead, but took another form of beauty.......one of those forms being a bird................ just then she looked to the sky and cried out................ a single bird flew over the casket and her................. that was intense................. everyone there saw this bird......... and all felt the same thing............. again she kissed the casket one more time as they lowered it down............... i couldnt help but imagine if i was in that casket............. if i had a loved one.......... someone i wanted to marry.......... someone i wanted to spend the rest of my life with be there............. it made me fear of dying alone................. man, I dont want to go to another funeral. I dont know if I could take that again........
Oh well, everyone is better now. Sorry everyone who has been worried. I've just had to have some time to myself these past few days. Thanks everyone for your support. Maybe Ill have a happy entry in the future............