Being happy shouldnt hurt like this
I took my first big step into becoming a better person today. I went to my therapist today and I realized that Im happy. Its been a really long time since Ive been able to look back and say 'its not just today, but everyday. I like my life and who I am now' and it feels really good. Well, it FELT really good this morning. Ive been working my ass off trying to who I want to be and should be. I havent done any drug in forever and I love that. Ive made these great friends who are so supportive and sweet and positive. I feel like Im on a track thats going up and thats a huge change from what my life has been like for the past 3 years. I climbed out of a burning pile of shit this summer and I feel good about that. Im trying so hard not to go back to that. Its just so hard. I thought that I could just go and not look back at the piece of shit life I was living, but I cant. I still care about parts of that, like Andrew. Hes been living in a car with crack heads and hes dropping out of school and moving into this ass crack of an apartment in Kanapolis with Micheal Moore and Josh Wood. I care about him and I love him and I want to go somewhere with him, but I cant fix the whole god damned world. Im tired of trying to. Its not my problem and Its not my fault that their lives arent up to par. I cant save every life that comes my way, no matter how hard I try. I cant take their burdens upon my shoulders and expect myself to become this super woman who can carry it all; all of the emotion and crap that comes with it. I just cant. I have to accept that Im not that good, no one is and Im not any different. I wish I could, and if I could, I would spend my life doing it, but its not possible for me to save everyone. Its not my responsibility and I shouldnt feel like it is. Im a 16 year old kid..I shouldnt feel so damned tied down and crushed. Its not fair. Anyway, about Andrew..I had to tell him that I cant do it. I cant be involved with a life that thinks that toking up EVERY day is ok, that living in a car isnt bad..that walking out of school because you just dont feel like it right now isnt a big deal. It IS a big deal. Im not letting myself go down that path again. Ive cried to much to want to go back to that. I feel good enough to run for a few miles a day...thats not my 'norm' and I like this feeling. I cant be expected to drop everything and let other people watch me be engulfed in a sea of blackness and drugs and poverty in the name of 'help me!' I cant. I cant. I CANT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE!! I can still feel it rampaging inside of me telling me that Im a bad person and that Ive turned my back on the people I love and who love me; that I could be doing so much good if I just give in and let it all pour over me; that Im no good unless Im pleasing someone, even if it means destroying myself in the process, because thats what love is; thats my purpose and if Im not doing it, than Im not fulfilling who I should be. Its not right, but I feel like Ive hurt him so badly, and I have, but I cant do it! Ive worked to damn hard to be this happy! I need a really strong person at east who can keep me here. I think it might be Emma. Shes great.
Im gonna be okay!
Im gonna be okay!