(no subject)
So this New Year is off to a rotten start. My big dog, Strider, died in his sleep in the early morning on New Year’s Day. My parents said he had had a rough night, throwing up several times. He settled down around 5am, and then just never woke up. My parents found him in our garage door hallway, where we used to keep him as a puppy. I cried all day, off and on and now I am at work trying to be happy and cheerful for the customers when all I want to do is scream and howl and kick my feet and all I can think is “I want my Strider”.
He had been looking pretty bad for a while, having trouble on stairs and things. But when we took him to the vet, she did all the tests and swore nothing was wrong with him. So it was a big shock to wake up and have my father tell me Strider was dead. He even started crying which scared me even more. My dad never cries. Ever.
We took the body to the vet, told them several times we wanted a communal cremation (i.e.-the vet takes care of the body, not us). We also requested a paw print to remember him by. The vet sent him on to the Animal Disease Center, which handles the dead bodies. We get a phone call from them asking “who will be handling your private cremation, because they will need to come get the body”. We call them and say that we actually requested a communal cremation. They don’t answer the phone, so we leave a message; according to their answering machine they check the messages frequently but only return phone calls at certain times of the day. Then my mom calls the vet to ask what the hell was going on and found out that they did not get a paw print like we had requested. So she frantically calls the ADC and leaves another message begging them to get a print or let us come get one. As of this morning, they have not called us back. So I probably will not be getting a last remembrance of my best friend. Mom then calls Strider’s doctor/vet and chews her out. I’ve decided that no matter what happens, I am going to insist that our remaining dog be transferred to a different clinic. I am furious at the way these people fucked up and I will not forgive them for it.
Arwen (our last dog) is moping around the house. She absolutely lived for playing with Strider; even when he wasn’t up for running around she liked to just lie down next to him and nap. And her tail, god her tail never stopped wagging; now it has not wagged once since we took him away. She keeps whining and watching the door, as though he will come through it any minute.
Every time I think I am almost done crying I check my e-mail and someone else has sent a note of condolence, which sets me off again. All I can think is that I didn’t tell him I loved him enough and I didn’t hug him that last night and I didn’t even say goodnight to him that night. He was my best friend and I loved him. I told him all my secrets and napped with him and he was the only reason I didn’t kill myself at the worst point of my life. And he’s gone. My heart is breaking and I have to be a fucking grown-up and smile the whole time.