2010
It is a new year. As always I am grateful that a new year has started but it's for different reasons this year. I am starting happy and okay with myself.
I can not remember the last time I felt so at peace within my own body and I do not have words to describe how blissful it is. No, Life is not perfect, but I am happy and that says a whole lot.
I am still living in this one bedroom apartment in laurel, Maryland. Me and Trent are thinking about staying in this one for another year, We refuse to move without having the money to buy a big truck and do it all the easy way. I have moved too many times at this point in my life to do it the hard way anymore. And it's not so bad here, really.
We have our new car, and I love it. I love the way it drives, the way the chairs feel, and the fact that it still only has about 19k miles on it. Thats the lowest I have ever driven! No, it is not mine by any means or stretch of the imagination. But I get to drive it and that works for me.
I have been working at the Disney store in Arrundel mills mall for a few months now. I will find out around the 15th of january if they are keeping me on past seasonal or not. It is impossible to try and guess at this point, but I am confident enough to say that if they CAN keep me they will, but I guess that really isnt saying very much. I don't get paid very much becuase It is minimum wage and I dont work a whole lot of hours but the point is, I get paid at all, and that is wonderful.
I dyed my hair black the other day, So it is finally all one color again. YAY.
Perhaps I will post some pictures later. I have some on my facebook for those that are friends with me there.
Me and trent have now been together for 2 years. Isn't that crazy? You bet your ass it is. We are actually celebrating our anniversary tonight, making dinner and all of that fuss.
I cook a lot out here, I love cooking, Did you know that? I love all of it. I love experimenting and mixing and watching people enjoy food that I have made. Its amazing! It feels so good to be able to cook and eat and not have to battle with that voice inside my head every minute of every day. Don't get me wrong, I admit that the voice will probably be somewhere in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. Those that hear it can never truely get rid of it. But it is dormant for the first time since..Hell...Highschool? Jr high? Who knows. It was part of me for so long and I finally don't have to struggle. I feel...recovered. I hesitate to say it that way but I guess thats the only way to describe it.
We might go get a haircut today, I got a nice paycheck and if I can find my ID (Don't tell trent that I am unsure of where it is..I didnt even know that it was missing til I went to the post office the other day :( )I will be able to cash it. I need a hair cut so bad. This trip will be all about evening it out. It is going to mean losing a lot of length becuase it is so fucked up from so many different things but it needs it really bad. One day It will be long and even and i will be able to pretty much do anything that I want with it. That is my goal for my hair right now. It is pretty long but the layers and stuff are jacked up. Boo.
I still miss my best friend in the world, Nicole. and my Mom and my sister and old friends that I saw from time to time. I hope to be visiting Arizona again sometime soon. Well, I will eventually you can count on that!
We got snow, and are still getting snow and the winter is really cold here. But, the point there is, SNOW. The last time I saw snow before this winter was when I was 2-3 years old. That is a really long time, Huh? Its really neat. Its funny how when the weather changes so slowly, 40 degrees feels warm when it used to feel like dang near death. Heck, even 35 doesnt feel so bad compared to 20 with high wind chill. Crazy!
I am off to go take a shower now, We have errands to run today. I hope all is okay with everyone else. Just remember to smile every now and again and not take too much for granted. When you really let loose its amazing how much you can learn about yourself when you didnt even realize that there was anything to learn. I think sometimes we even take ourselves for granted. We think that becuase we are inside our own skin and mind every day we get it. But you don't. You don't get it til you get a chance to let go. Until you find yourself really happy and okay with the world do you realize what it takes you get you there. It's then that you can sit back and think to yourself, "So this is who I am. So this is what really matters to me.." I have gotten to do that since I have been here and I fully believe that it has been nothing short of a miracle. I always said that I felt like I was drowning when I lived in arizona, And Here, I can breath. I don't mean here as in maryland, I mean here as in on my own, Able to sort everything out.
Please don't take that the wrong way, Everyone I know back in AZ. I love you all to death and If I could have taken you with me I would have. I just needed room to grow and there I never felt like I had it. Maybe I just needed too much time alone to figure out what I really wanted. But fear not, I will be back some day! That is a promise that I make from the very bottom of my heart. And every day that I am away know that there is an Arizona sized whole somewhere deep inside of me. If that comforts at all, I am not sure. But I hope it does :)
Anyways, Like I said, I am off now. I will update again some other time.
I can not remember the last time I felt so at peace within my own body and I do not have words to describe how blissful it is. No, Life is not perfect, but I am happy and that says a whole lot.
I am still living in this one bedroom apartment in laurel, Maryland. Me and Trent are thinking about staying in this one for another year, We refuse to move without having the money to buy a big truck and do it all the easy way. I have moved too many times at this point in my life to do it the hard way anymore. And it's not so bad here, really.
We have our new car, and I love it. I love the way it drives, the way the chairs feel, and the fact that it still only has about 19k miles on it. Thats the lowest I have ever driven! No, it is not mine by any means or stretch of the imagination. But I get to drive it and that works for me.
I have been working at the Disney store in Arrundel mills mall for a few months now. I will find out around the 15th of january if they are keeping me on past seasonal or not. It is impossible to try and guess at this point, but I am confident enough to say that if they CAN keep me they will, but I guess that really isnt saying very much. I don't get paid very much becuase It is minimum wage and I dont work a whole lot of hours but the point is, I get paid at all, and that is wonderful.
I dyed my hair black the other day, So it is finally all one color again. YAY.
Perhaps I will post some pictures later. I have some on my facebook for those that are friends with me there.
Me and trent have now been together for 2 years. Isn't that crazy? You bet your ass it is. We are actually celebrating our anniversary tonight, making dinner and all of that fuss.
I cook a lot out here, I love cooking, Did you know that? I love all of it. I love experimenting and mixing and watching people enjoy food that I have made. Its amazing! It feels so good to be able to cook and eat and not have to battle with that voice inside my head every minute of every day. Don't get me wrong, I admit that the voice will probably be somewhere in the back of my mind for the rest of my life. Those that hear it can never truely get rid of it. But it is dormant for the first time since..Hell...Highschool? Jr high? Who knows. It was part of me for so long and I finally don't have to struggle. I feel...recovered. I hesitate to say it that way but I guess thats the only way to describe it.
We might go get a haircut today, I got a nice paycheck and if I can find my ID (Don't tell trent that I am unsure of where it is..I didnt even know that it was missing til I went to the post office the other day :( )I will be able to cash it. I need a hair cut so bad. This trip will be all about evening it out. It is going to mean losing a lot of length becuase it is so fucked up from so many different things but it needs it really bad. One day It will be long and even and i will be able to pretty much do anything that I want with it. That is my goal for my hair right now. It is pretty long but the layers and stuff are jacked up. Boo.
I still miss my best friend in the world, Nicole. and my Mom and my sister and old friends that I saw from time to time. I hope to be visiting Arizona again sometime soon. Well, I will eventually you can count on that!
We got snow, and are still getting snow and the winter is really cold here. But, the point there is, SNOW. The last time I saw snow before this winter was when I was 2-3 years old. That is a really long time, Huh? Its really neat. Its funny how when the weather changes so slowly, 40 degrees feels warm when it used to feel like dang near death. Heck, even 35 doesnt feel so bad compared to 20 with high wind chill. Crazy!
I am off to go take a shower now, We have errands to run today. I hope all is okay with everyone else. Just remember to smile every now and again and not take too much for granted. When you really let loose its amazing how much you can learn about yourself when you didnt even realize that there was anything to learn. I think sometimes we even take ourselves for granted. We think that becuase we are inside our own skin and mind every day we get it. But you don't. You don't get it til you get a chance to let go. Until you find yourself really happy and okay with the world do you realize what it takes you get you there. It's then that you can sit back and think to yourself, "So this is who I am. So this is what really matters to me.." I have gotten to do that since I have been here and I fully believe that it has been nothing short of a miracle. I always said that I felt like I was drowning when I lived in arizona, And Here, I can breath. I don't mean here as in maryland, I mean here as in on my own, Able to sort everything out.
Please don't take that the wrong way, Everyone I know back in AZ. I love you all to death and If I could have taken you with me I would have. I just needed room to grow and there I never felt like I had it. Maybe I just needed too much time alone to figure out what I really wanted. But fear not, I will be back some day! That is a promise that I make from the very bottom of my heart. And every day that I am away know that there is an Arizona sized whole somewhere deep inside of me. If that comforts at all, I am not sure. But I hope it does :)
Anyways, Like I said, I am off now. I will update again some other time.