Zenith Chapter Thirty-one - Paris Falls (Part 1)
I apologize for putting this out a week late. I have several reasons, but the one you probably care about is that this chapter is twice the length of my (previously) longest chapter. And I want to thank the people who helped me get this baby up to snuff: latetolove (my beta), pnai_87 (special guest beta for content), and thankthatstar (bedroom scene pre-reader and general enthusiast).
Voting for the second wave of The Underdogs is now up and running. Zenith has been nominated in a few categories along with several other amazing stories, so go support your favorite authors:
http://community.livejournal.com/theair_thesun/87245.html
Title: Zenith
Author: Majesta Moniet
Rating: Mature
Pairing: Edward/Bella/Jacob
Summary: At a pivotal moment in New Moon, a simple choice alters the course of Bella's future, and she is forced to endure several more weeks before Edward's eventual return to Forks. Victoria, a pack of young werewolves, and the blossoming of an undeniable bond become the least of Bella's concerns as she undergoes her own supernatural transformation. It turns out vampires and werewolves aren’t the only things that go bump in the night.
Beautiful banner by placeofthunder
Gorgeous banner by ysar
Zenith
Chapter Thirty-one - Paris Falls
Disclaimer- I do not own Twilight or profit from the use of its content. Stephanie Meyer is its proper owner.
----------------------------------------------
IMPORTANT CHAPTER WARNING
Be cautioned that the following chapter contains mature content such as graphic violence, sexual situations, and death. While none of it is gratuitous, the content may not be suitable for all readers.
I didn’t let Jacob run me home. (He’d taught me one too many lessons about pride and ten too many about stubbornness.) But I didn’t walk home either.
I crawled.
Utilizing his nauseatingly effective vampire speed, Edward had the flat tire changed and the truck turned around before I had even made it fifty yards down the road. I climbed in the driver seat and banished both men with a deathly glare when I caught them eyeing the empty seat in the cab. Edward slinked away reluctantly. Jacob stood outside my window, wavering with uncertainty until I pulled away.
I knew they were tailing me from the trees.
The speedometer never hit 25 mph the entire drive back to Forks, and I made sure to pull over and allow the two semis and one sedan that happened by to pass safely. If only the truck had hazard lights I could have turned on for spite, I thought wistfully. That would have really driven Jacob nuts.
When I eventually pulled into the driveway, Jacob was sitting on the front porch steps beneath the yellow glow of the light Charlie always insisted having turned on at night. His body was hunched forward so that his elbows could rest atop his knees as he nervously traced his fingers along the knuckles of the other hand. His bare feet fidgeted restlessly against the ground.
I stopped about three feet away and shoved my hands into my jacket pockets. “I think I want you to leave.”
“Can’t. I’m on duty.”
“Where’s Leah?”
“Probably getting her ass skinned.”
“Why?” I bristled. “The whole thing was my idea. I made her let me go.”
“Yeah, well Sam can’t punish you.”
“Neither can you.”
“I’m not-” Jacob sighed into his hands. “I’m not trying to punish you, Bella. I’m trying to show you that I’m angry and that I was scared shitless when I realized you were on some sort of self-righteous suicide mission. Is there another way you wanted me to react? Because I’m open to suggestions here.”
“I want you to understand.” I irritably scuffed the bottom of my sneaker against the cement pathway, watching the action so I didn’t have to look at his face. It made it easier not to cave if I didn’t have to see all the reason and logic staring back at me. “Do you understand how it feels watching all of you risk your lives every day?”
“Well, I do now, don’t I?” The quiet bitterness in the statement was not lost on me. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t just tell me all of this in the first place. Since when do we not talk about stuff like this?”
I hated that he could make me feel guilty about this. “If I had told you, would you have let me go?”
“No,” he said easily. “I love you too much to pat your back and send you off to your death just so that you can feel better about yourself.”
My lips pursed into a frown. “I wouldn’t have gone if I really thought there was no chance of making it out alive.”
“Yes, you would’ve. It’s one of the reasons that I love you. Now come ‘ere.” He jerked his chin to the side, indicating the open spot on the porch steps between him and the side of the house.
I dawdled for a bit to make it look like I was considering declining the invitation and then sat down as far from him as possible-a whole six inches away. Sniffing, I looked anywhere but him.
Jacob chuckled at my junior high tactics, and the warm sound melted away most of my remaining bitterness so that I didn’t struggle when he curled an arm around my shoulders and a hand around my thigh in order to drag me flush against his side.
Turning my face into the bare skin of his chest I groaned my frustration. “I’m trying to do this right, Jake. I want to help now that I can.”
His fingers breezed along the inside seam of my jeans, a motion that would have had me straddling his lap in a flash had I not been feeling completely demoralized and frustrated. Instead I found it soothing.
“You do help, you know,” Jacob said, sounding serious.
“I do not.”
“Yes, you do.” He dipped his mouth down beside my ear even though we both knew I could hear him just fine. “You make all of us go harder, push ourselves further. No one in the Pack wants to see you hurt-or worse. It’s one thing to protect the strangers who happen to live in Forks or who are hiking through the woods at the wrong time; it’s another thing entirely to fight for the life of one of our own. Someone who’s family.” He gently lifted the hair off my neck, exposing it to the night air and the hot rush of his breath as he dropped small, slow kisses down one side. “Someone who I love so much I can’t fucking breathe when I think about you cold and still on the ground.”
I shivered and blindly touched trembling fingers to the strong line of his jaw. I was seeking to reassure him of my presence while reading the love for me he always kept plainly etched there across his face. His mouth found my palm, kissing his recognition there for me to keep.
“And,” he continued quietly, sounding at peace, “I think the Cullens might feel the same way. If it weren’t for you, we’d probably still be at each other’s throats. And we sure as hell wouldn’t be working together to fight these newborns.”
I wasn’t sure if I believed that, entirely. Sure, both the Pack and the Cullens were passionate about their…differences, but they weren’t unreasonable. Even if I hadn’t been a factor, I didn’t doubt that they would have eventually joined forces to defeat Victoria. But I could also tell that Jacob was more skeptical and genuinely believed I had more to do with the uneasy truce.
But it wasn’t enough. Not when I possessed the potential to do so much more.
“We’re gonna win, Bells. It’s hardly going to be a fight.” He said it like it was definite. “The Pack’s actually pretty excited about it, you know. Quil’s gonna be out a lot of money if Embry has anything to say about it.”
Feeling slightly nauseous but unable to rationalize my doubts, I nodded weakly and didn’t outwardly protest. My heart raced with the potential outcomes as my mind hummed over unlikely solutions.
We didn’t linger on the porch. I bade Jacob a quiet goodnight before sneaking back into the house and up to my room. Once I had shrugged back into my pajamas and slipped beneath the bed covers, I was fighting drooping eyes. But I still snatched up the journal from the nightstand and opened it to the first page. These particular symbols I had nearly memorized in my efforts to evoke some sort of meaning from the mysterious book.
My languid fingers traced the black marks even as I fell away into luminance of sleep.
---------------------------------------
“It is hard for all of us at first.”
I turned to find Felicity settled in a simply carved rocking chair placed beside an unlit fireplace. The room was small, clean, free from all modern clutter, and smelled like the wood it had been built from. A window spilled in bright daylight that illuminated the thick fabric and needle in Felicity’s graceful hands. Through the pane I could see a familiar garden, the one she and I had sat in after I had unknowingly awakened.
She gestured to the folded blanket lying across her lap. “I’ve made this for Nathaniel. Tomorrow is his sixth birthday,” she said warmly.
I finally recognized it as a quilt, one comprised of plush squares that each bore their own embroidered pattern. The emblem of a golden, stitched cross against the deep blue of the square Felicity was steadily running a needle through. The shape was bold with intricate detail and shading. I blinked in surprise. “It’s beautiful.”
She chuckled softly at my reaction. “I imagine the concept of God makes you a touch more uncomfortable now than it did before.”
“I don’t really think about it,” I admitted. There was a lot I tried not to think about since Vanessa’s appearance.
“That’s wise of you.” With a nod she returned to her work. “Thinking on things that can never be known is an admirable pastime but a fool’s ambition. History, on the other hand, is quantifiable and as tangible as that book in your hands. ”
I looked down and sure enough the journal was still lying open in my spread palms. Only the page was blank, pristine as if ink had never been touched to paper. I flipped through to the end. The rest of the pages were just as empty.
I frowned. “The words. They’re gone.”
“No, they’re not. You simply aren’t looking at them the right way.” With a practiced tug, she completed one last stitch before breaking the thread and setting the needle in the box at her feet. She stood with a corner of folded blanket in each hand.
The quilt unfurled all the way to the floor, revealing a multitude of blue, white, and gold squares-some standing out more prominently than others. At first glance, the imagery was diverse and seemingly unrelated, an uncoordinated mix of objects, figures, and scenes. But when I looked at the top most square and worked my way down, a familiar story unfolded.
A man.
A scroll.
A moon.
A tree.
A pointed smile.
A cocoon.
A butterfly.
A skull.
A trio of men.
A mask.
A path.
A woman.
A kiss.
A flame
A cross.
A horned demon.
A black hand.
A set of shackles.
A blank square.
“His name was Varius.”
I could attribute each picture to a point in his story. And it was no less potent now than it had been when Vanessa first relayed it to me.
Felicity’s warm voice filtered in over my thoughts. “Words only possess meaning because we have bestowed it upon them. That meaning is different for each person delivering them and receiving them. The letters themselves have no intrinsic value. So, imagine if we had no need to rely upon our senses to communicate, if one could simply pass her message directly to another. Soul to soul. That,”-Felicity smiled with an enlightened gleam in her eyes-“would be truth in its purest form.”
The words meant nothing. The writing was merely a vessel, an intent materialized into tangible form. The words meant nothing.
“Someone put a part of themselves into that book, Isabella. A part of us. A part of you. Can you not feel it?”
I looked down at the blank pages, staring at them with more than just my eyes. I dug until I found that feeling in my gut that had always told me I was different-separate-from the other kids in school and the strangers I passed on the street. It was the intuition that first warned me of Edward’s differences and revealed Jacob’s supernatural identity to my dreaming mind long before I could comprehend the wolves’ existence. That very instinct was what drew me closer to them both.
A phantom hand touched my shoulder.
At first the change was minute. Tiny pricks of ink appeared in the top left corner of first page and slowly expanding like drops of moisture soaked up by a coffee filter, always spreading outward to claim and alter more. But these black stains acted as if guided by some invisible force to form thin lines that curved and swooped to connect and form first one letter and then two. One word and then another. And another, and another…
The script was large and flowed across the page with a sense of abandonment most would criticize as sloppy. But each letter was strong and elegant, a bold mark made with purpose. The speed at which they appeared quickened so that by time the first page was filled and I had turned it over, the next one was almost just as swathed in words.
I watched in amazement for several moments longer before flipping back to the front and reading:
“Another century gone and yet I do not mourn its passing. The years have filled me with comprehension for the planes that work through and around the world, and after much trial I have learned to bend and shape them to my needs. This place is smaller now. And though the others continue to struggle with mastering their bond to the lower plane and are unable to bend it as freely should, I feel a sense of hope I abandoned two hundred years ago rekindling for the first time. Perhaps we are not as damned as I was led to believe…”
Tearing me eyes away from the text, I looked at Felicity questioningly. “Who was she?”
Felicity didn’t glance up from her task of refolding the quilt. “The most powerful witch to have ever lived. Until now.”
I recalled Vanessa’s amazement when I had divulged the unexplainable supernatural happenings in my life. The disappearing and reappearing, the dreams, Edward’s voice, the uncanny coolness that bloomed in my chest whenever a wolf was close. All were things she considered impossible for a witch as inexperienced as myself. “You mean, I…”
“Yes.”
My fingers trembled with the need to turn the next page. “Vanessa said that this journal could be useful to me. How?”
Felicity reclaimed the rocking chair. “The body is trained through practice, the mind is honed through repetition, and the soul is opened through revelation. Considering whose journal that is, I have no doubt that many revelations await you. All that is required of you is to be receptive, and you will receive the skill that you desire.”
I exhaled slowly, trying to dispel any lingering doubt. Jacob’s words ate at my conscience. “Am I doing the right thing?” I wondered aloud.
Felicity hummed softly. “I never witnessed Nathaniel turn seven.” She caressed her fingers over the edge of the blanket. “But I’ve done everything I can to ensure that one day-perhaps many lifetimes from now-I will get that opportunity again.” A tear ran from the corner of her to the cleft of her chin. “We will do anything for the safety of children.”
Biting my lip, I nodded. Charlie, I thought, would agree with that philosophy. “This is the last time I’ll see you, isn’t it?” I asked reluctantly.
The light from the window caught her wet face so that it glimmered slightly-beautifully. Her lips turned up in that small, reassuring way I would never forget. “Goodbyes are not intended for people like you and I.”
The room began to darken, the dream slowly washing away into reality. I looked to Felicity one final time. “When I saw Vanessa I noticed she has your smile.”
“No,” she said, “I have hers. And so do you.”
--------------------------------------------
“Bella!”
Angela hurried towards me from across the gym, her polyester graduation gown bellowing behind her as she and Ben dodged the multitude of families and students crowding the room. When she reached the side of the bleachers where I stood waiting for Charlie, Jacob, and Billy, she threw her arms around me with a triumphant laugh.
I returned her warm hug and infectious smile.
“Can you believe it? We’ve spent the last eighteen years working to get to this point in our lives, and now that it’s here, I can’t believe that we’re done. Us, high school graduates!” she enthused.
“I don’t think it’s really sunk in for me yet,” I admitted as she pulled away. “Your speech was great by the way. Even Mike was paying attention.”
“As he should have been,” Ben said with his arm around Angela’s waist. “You are the most brilliant woman in our class. You’ve got the hardware to prove it.” He tugged at the stole hanging from her neck brightly embroidered with the word Valedictorian. Angela blushed modestly.
“Ben, maroon just isn’t your color, man,” Jacob snickered as he joined our small group. He slapped Ben on the shoulder and slid his other hand into mine, squeezing enthusiastically. I grinned up at him.
Ben nodded his agreement, pulling at front of the gown in distaste. “I don’t get why the chicks got to wear the black ones.”
“Great,” Angela sighed. “I went from being “the most brilliant woman in our class” to a “chick” in less than ten seconds. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”
We laughed, and I felt a small ache in my chest at the thought that this could very well be the last time we would be like this, young and together in the same place. Angela would be attending Northwestern in the fall and Ben the University of Washington. Despite the distance, they were committed to continuing their relationship, and I was awed by their strength-I didn’t think I could stand living more than twenty minutes from Jacob.
Charlie and Billy were hovering off to our left, trying not to intrude. Angela spotted them too. “Well, I should go find my parents before my mom does something irreparable to my camera,” she said, but her eyes looked sad and reluctant.
I pulled her in for another hug. “Have a good time in Chicago, Angela.” I thought about promising to hang out with her before she left, but then remembered my upcoming battle with a bloodthirsty vampire. “I hope to see you this summer.”
She nodded before stepping away. “Definitely.”
“Bye, Ben.” I waved.
He grinned back. “Bye, Bella. And, Jacob, you make sure not to let her around any bowling balls unsupervised.”
“Next time we’ll buy out the lanes on either side. And maybe put up some of that yellow caution tape to discourage parents from allowing their small children to wander too close.”
I pinched Jacob’s side, but of course it did nothing to discourage his smirk as we watched Angela and Ben disappear between two large groups of people. And then I didn’t even get the chance to verbally scold him before Charlie and Billy approached.
“Congratulations, Bells.” Charlie patted my shoulder tentatively, but the wide smile he couldn’t keep off his face bestowed more affection than any physical gesture. “You did real good even when things got rough, and I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said softly, knowing then that no matter how badly I ever managed to screw up, Charlie would always be in my corner and he would always accept me as his. Even if I didn’t deserve it.
“Made sure to get a fair amount of pictures,” Billy said, holding up my camera in his hand. “Renee’s orders. You know, I think cameras are the only piece of technology that works the same way it did ten years ago. You still just point and shoot.” He turned it over to Jacob, who pocketed it in his new dress pants. “You looked good up there, Bella.”
My cheeks heated. “Thanks, Billy.”
“Wow, Dad. It’s supposed to by my job to make her blush.”
I coughed and stomped on Jacob’s toe. A furtive glance at Charlie revealed that he was none too pleased at the insinuation, but he tried to cover it by glaring at the gym floor-a decent attempt at scaring away the scuffmarks.
Billy just laughed. “It’s not exactly hard to do, son. But I’ll try to reign in my charm.” His gaze slid past my shoulder, and whatever he saw caused his smile to dim significantly. “Charlie, why don’t we head to the car while the kids finish up with their goodbyes. I think we’re cramping their style.”
Charlie looked up sourly, but nodded with a shrug. “Sure. Let’s do that.” He squeezed my arm one final time before moving to roll Billy away.
I watched them go in confusion. “What was that about?”
Jacob sighed.
“Bella, congratulations!” The high, tinkling voice was a prelude to the cool set of arms that enveloped me in a tight embrace.
Ah-ha.
“Congratulations to you too, Alice,” I smiled into her hair, which smelled floral and slightly sweet.
She giggled and bounced in place because even though she had graduated from more than a dozen high schools, Alice loved any occasion that could be…an occasion. “Thanks!” Her nose crinkled as she pulled away. “I’m beginning to think that stench on you is permanent.”
She shot Jacob an annoyed expression that was met challengingly. “Oh,” he said, “it is.”
Edward was standing just behind and to the left of his exuberant sister, and I was so caught off guard by his warm eyes and relaxed jaw that I was momentarily rendered speechless. “I have to admit,” he said, the corners of his mouth sneaking upward, “it’s a relief you don’t smell quite so tempting. For once.”
I blinked in bewilderment at seeing Edward happy and light-hearted for the first time since…before.
Jacob snorted. “Yeah, same here. I consider any day I don’t feel the urge to leach onto your arteries to be a real upper.”
Edward’s eyes glinted roguishly. “Actually that wasn’t quite the type of temptation I was referring to.”
I tensed for Jacob’s reaction, but he only grinned and said, “I went for the interpretation that was less likely to get your ass kicked.”
“Imagine. A dog doing me favors.”
“Nah. My leg’s just sore. Those bleachers were cramped.”
“I can’t imagine what that feels like.”
“Let me know when you’d like me to remedy that.
“Perhaps at a time when you’re not quite so…sore?”
My gaze moved between their lingering smirks in astonishment. Were they…teasing each other?
“Alice,” I hissed, leaning into her side. “What’s happening?”
“They’re playing nice-passive aggressively.”
Yeah, I got that. “Why?”
She started running her fingers through my hair, which had become disheveled by my cap during the ceremony. “They’re men. It’s what-”
Her fingers stilled on my scalp. The unnatural rise and fall of her chest ceased as she sucked in a sharp breath beside my ear.
“Alice?” I turned in her slack grasp.
Her pupils were wide, eyes focused on something I couldn’t see. Edward had stepped closer and was watching her with a pinched brow.
Jacob raised an eyebrow in question, and I mouth the word ‘vision,’ which caused him to look concerned. His entire body tensed as he slipped into the Pack mentality.
It was only a handful of seconds before Alice started blinking back to life, but as I held my breath waiting, each moment felt thin and stretched tight, dragging on and on. I waited impatiently as she exchanged a solemn look with Edward. He nodded slowly in acceptance of whatever he saw pass through Alice mind. His eyes were hard and determined.
“Well?” I prompted impatiently.
“Tomorrow,” Alice said quietly. “Victoria has decided to bring the newborns to Forks tomorrow.”
-----------------------------------------
Unfortunately we couldn’t tell Charlie that there was a dangerous werewolf and vampire battle scheduled for next afternoon, so there was no getting out of the graduation dinner Sue had been planning for a week. I thought it was ridiculous that we’d have to sit around all evening pretending that getting handed a fancy sheet of paper was the most noteworthy thing that had happened recently. Jacob didn’t seem to mind.
“What else would we be doing?” he had argued while we sat waiting in the Clearwaters’ backyard shortly after the rest of the pack had disbanded from an impromptu meeting. “We’ve done all we can to prepare for this. We’ve trained with the Cullens, we’ve got a solid game plan, and we know we have the advantage. If we sit around worrying, we’ll just psyche ourselves out.”
This meant the worrying fell to me. I took up the mantle courageously.
Dinner was a stressful affair. I couldn’t bring myself to eat more than a small helping of pork and a few bites of sweet potatoes and had pretty much resigned myself to watching everyone else at the table. Jacob was casually consuming exorbitant amounts of food, Seth was sulking, Sue was keeping a conversation going amongst the parents, Billy kept sending me looks that clearly said ‘act normal,’ Charlie was trying not to smile too widely at Sue, Leah was ignoring Sam and Emily-whom Sue had invited at the last moment when she’d realized she’d made too much barbecue, and Sam was ignoring that Leah was ignoring him. Emily was the only person who seemed at all apprehensive. But Billy wasn’t shooting her looks, so I assumed she was doing a better job of hiding it than I was.
Dessert wrapped up around 8:30. By then I couldn’t stand sitting in the crowded dining room a moment longer, and I was faking yawns and not-so-subtly tugging on the long sleeves of Jacob’s dress shirt. When those hints seemed to fall on deaf ears, I lowered my hand beneath the table and ran it along his inner thigh.
That had him leaping to his feet.
“Hey, Dad,” Jacob said while helping me from my seat, “Bells and I are gonna head home so we can get her settled into the house.”
“Thank you, Sue, for the wonderful meal,” I said as we passed her chair.
She turned and gifted me with a smile that wasn’t tinged with the usual melancholy. Her hands-which were worn with motherhood and years of baking-were warm as they clasped mine. “It was my pleasure. Congratulations, Bella. We’re so proud of you and Leah.”
Across the table, Charlie’s eye twitched. His lips thinned and then opened as if to say something scathing, but Billy didn’t pay him any mind. He nodded and said, “I’ll be back by ten,” with a meaningful look.
“Sure, sure.”
Twenty minutes later my two bags were lying unpacked on the floor of Rachel and Rebecca’s old room next the tackle boxes and crates of broken electronics that the space was usually used to store but had been pushed to one corner for the duration of my stay. Jacob got as far as showing me how to lock the doorknob and pointing out the fresh linens he’d put on the double bed that morning before our clothes started becoming intimately acquainted with the floor and our hands became intimately reacquainted with flushed and exposed skin.
“You know,” Jacob murmured into my bare shoulder, dragging his teeth in gentle strokes over the damp skin there, “I’m surprised you’re not fighting us more on this.”
My fingers curled into the dip of his bicep. “Hmm?”
“The plan,” he exhaled softly. His hands, which had been weaved into my tangled hair, slid to cup my shoulder blades, following the curve of my naked back until they reached the sheet haphazardly tangled around our hips. “The one where we and the Cullens go fight the newborns and you sit here and behave like a rational human being under Seth’s supervision.”
“You forgot the part where I get to rub my blood on the foliage,” I murmured into his chest. The intense heat of his skin flush against mine compounded by the muffled beat of his heart against my chest left my body susceptible to a potent sense of lethargy that had begun to take over. I sunk bonelessly against him, my hands falling to his waist, just above where my parted thighs straddled his hips.
Sex with Jacob was the single most pleasurable experience in the world-and the single most exhausting.
“Well you were the natural choice for that very important assignment. What with you having extensive shrubbery bleeding experience and all. Embry would have just made a mess of things if we’d left it up to him.”
“Uh huh,” I yawned and tasted salt and Jacob against my tongue. “Nothing at all to do with the fact that it happens to be my blood the newborns are after or that it’s my blood exudes a supernatural influence that will hopefully drive them all crazy with bloodlust.”
“Wow, where’d all that modesty come from?”
A none-too-gentle nip at his chest put an abrupt end to his snickering. He sucked in a sharp breath and tightened his hold on my hips. My smug smile was hidden beneath a curtain of hair.
“The way you make me feel,”-he sighed, the sound drenched in contentment and wonder-“it’s crazy, you know? I don’t think a person should be able to make someone else feel the way I do when I think about you.”
By lifting my chin and leaning back slightly in his arms, I was able to see his most of his face. Pieces of dark hair were stuck to the sweat-slick skin above his eyes while other strands-kinked from being fisted in my clenched hands just minutes before-curled around the tops of his ears. He was beautiful like this-relaxing back against the headboard, bare and raw and smelling like sweat, arousal, and me. When he was like this, he was just mine. The pieces and parts that belonged to others were left checked at the door.
“Jake,” I whispered, “what are we going to do?”
“We’ll fight and we’ll win and I’ll come back to you.”
I shook my head and removed my hands from his body long enough to tuck a piece of hair back behind my ear. “No, I mean after.”
His eyebrows drew together in confusion. “In the fall when you’re living here and going to school with Leah?”
“No.” I bit my lip and fought down the swell of anxiety clogging my throat. “After that. Five years from now? Ten? Twenty? What happens then? How will we be…”
“Hey.” He grabbed my slumped shoulders and ducked his head to catch my evasive gaze. “Where’s this coming from, Bells?”
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly through my nose. When I felt I had the strength to meet his concerned stare, I lifted my eyes and said, “I’m not aging, Jacob. I’m never going to look any older than I do today. I’m going to be eighteen until the day I die.”
He looked away, his hands dropping to wrap around my wrists. He squeezed gently, and the simple touch was enough to send exhilarating, expectant tremors through my body. “I know.”
“You’ll get older and older and I won’t be able to keep up. We won’t be at the same places in our lives.” I tried to picture it, what it would be like to watch Jacob-and everyone else I loved-continue to grow and age as they moved relentlessly forward. The first twenty years wouldn’t be terrible. Jacob and I wouldn’t have much trouble passing as a couple in a modern world. I could tell Charlie and Renee the truth and visit them in private. The pack would already know, so I wouldn’t have to hide from them. And the Cullens…well, they would always be there.
But what about the twenty years after that? Jacob would be old enough to pass as my father and eventually my grandfather-we would never be able to have normal family of our own. Would I be able to attend public funerals for my own parents? The pack would have moved on to have families who knew nothing of the supernatural world they were surrounded by. And I would have to fade into the shadows.
That wasn’t the life I wanted for Jacob. And it wasn’t the life I wanted for me.
“It doesn’t have to be that way.” His eyes refocused on me, his expression sober and unguarded.
“If what Vanessa said is true, then this isn’t something that I can just turn off. Believe me, I would if I could.”
He shook his head. “As long as we’re together, Bella, I want to be with you. Completely. I’m not gonna half-ass it just in case things go south. For as long as I need to, I’ll just keep phasing.”
“I don’t understand.”
“How old do I look to you, Bells?” he asked.
I sighed in exasperation. “You’re sixteen.”
“No, how old do I look? If I were a stranger you saw on the street how old would you say I am?”
But he wasn’t a stranger. He was Jacob. We made mud pies when were six. I was older than him-he was 38 and I was 42. So it was hard to see him as something he wasn’t. But Jacob was watching me expectantly, so I looked him over, trying to remain objective in my assessment.
He was broad, tall, toned, and sharply cut like a man. But there was still some boy lingering around the easy curve of his mouth, the brightness of his eyes, and the eagerness of his fingers, which were always reluctant to let me go. That was how he’d looked ever since the change from child to wolf.
“You look older,” I admitted, “in some ways.”
He nodded along at my words. “When we start phasing, the processes in our bodies start working overtime. One side effect is that we ‘age’ to our peak physical condition, which is only maintained as long as we continue shifting regularly.”
I stared at him wide-eyed. “You’re not aging?”
“No.”
Swallowing my shock, I stared down at my hands and turned them over in his grasp so that I could trace my short nails along his forearm. Little crescents indented his skin from earlier. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“I didn’t think it was a big deal.” His body rose and fell in a shrug. “I figured that once Victoria was gone and things settled down, I’d stop phasing and it wouldn’t ever matter. But now that you’re…you know, I’ll just keep going.”
“But what about Billy?” I asked. “And Rachel, and Rebecca, and Embry, and Quil-”
“It’s not like this is something I’ve decided on a whim,” Jacob cut me off. “I’ve been thinking about it for weeks now, and whenever I picture my future, you’re the first thing I see. And it won’t mean giving up my family or my friends. Eventually we’ll have to lay low, maybe even move away, but sometimes that’s what you have to do when you want to make a life with someone. You make small sacrifices to get what it is you want most, the person or thing you’re willing to put first.” He pulled me forward flush against his chest, his forehead touching mine as he guided my arms around his neck. “You are my first. And don’t try arguing with me on that.”
Fingers twisted into the hair at the nape of his neck, I considered what his words and the selfish, overwhelming relief it filled me with. Jacob was choosing me-potentially for life. A ring on my left hand couldn’t have felt any more binding. And yet the prospect didn’t suffocate; it freed.
I dipped my head in affirmation and caught his chin with my lips. “Okay. But you know that you’re my first, too, right?”
His serious expression turned sly. “Now that I do know.”
I laughed and wondered at how he could make me blush even then when I was physically closer to him than I had ever been to anyone else before. He was wondering the same thing as he traced the flushed color down my neck and over my chest, blazing a trail with his eager fingers followed by his less urgent mouth. He tenderly cradled me closer against him.
His affection was a constant slow burn, and any lingering fatigue I felt didn’t stand a chance.
Rising up onto my knees, I grasped the headboard with one hand and lowered the other down between our bodies. My fingers slid lovingly over slick skin as I said, “You promise to come back to me tomorrow?”
The possibility that he wouldn’t wasn’t even a thought I could stand to entertain.
He shuddered beneath me and-resting his face against my breast-nodded silently. I lowered my body back to the bed and back to him.
---------------------------------------
Hours later when the house was silent and dark, I crept from beneath my sheets and pulled the journal from where I had tucked it away in the dresser. Beneath the moonlight pouring in from the room’s solitary window, I turned to the book-marked page and allowed the words to wash over me.
Chapter Thirty-one Part 2