Twilight Covening 6: Run for the Roses
In my typical Twilight Covening count error, I thought that this year's Twilight Covening was my 7th, but it was actually my 6th. Fans at home can look forward to me misscounting this again in the future.
Anyway - Twilight Covening, my periodic spiritual retreat, was this last weekend. What is Twilight Covening?
Well, you can get some idea via the link: (Twilight Covening), or you can just try and follow along.
As always, I'm putting this under a cut, because it is gunna be long, and I know that some of the few blog readers that are left get annoyed with having to use the scroll wheel on their mouse. Also, this is likely to be many posts, as it is going to take a while to get this all out of me.
First off, my clan assignment for this year was the Horse clan. The particular attraction for me: shamanic journeying. I'd done such journeys in the past, and engaged in other similar exercises, but I'd never had a focused exploration of it. Thus, in I went. The short version for those who are already drifting off: I had a lot of deep journeys and brought a lot back to work on.
Before heading off to Twilight, I drew a tarot card, thinking upon where I was and what stood before me. I drew The World. Appropriate - it is a card for an ending a current phase of life, and a moment of reflection before the next big phase. Yeah, that seemed right on.
I headed out to Twilight with omly. We arrived right on time, and so I had a few hours to unpack, and do some walking and picture taking. Fall had settled in beautifully, and the weather was perfect. I was so glad to be back. The mountain readily welcomed me, as it always has.
In the first clan time discussion as a group, I put forward that I was seeking to have more genuine connections in my life, that I wanted to be more known by others, and more open to others, more vulnerable and, as such, more part of the lives of those around me. It matched up well with my therapy work, and different training classes and experiences that I've had lately, guiding me toward this goal. I was partnered up with Laura as my buddy; buddies are responsible for keeping track of each other and helping each other out throughout the weekend, a common concept used in most clans in my experience. Laura was coincidentally local to me, and the friend of a friend, though I'd never met her before. If I hadn't heard from her directly, her North Shore accent would have let me know that she was a local soon enough. She had a fierce, bright energy that was infectious.
My mind wasn't in a particularly helpful place on this first night, and kept pushing away my experiences, judging me, criticizing what I said, criticizing what I didn't say, making rude or salacious comments about everyone, and otherwise being troublesome. I prepared for the releasing fire, taking paper that I'd brought from home and putting down what I wanted to be rid of, and to what I wanted to bring a fire; I worked on getting this noise out of my head, so onto the paper, I threw the distractions and lies in my head, and sought a well lit path to a truth for me, and a warming of my heart to the work of the weekend.
I dressed in yellow and red for the evening, in support of the work with the fire to come. My clan was responsible for supporting the releasing fire, the first notable shared event of the weekend. What that consisted of was a few different roles: (1) greeting folks who were showing up at the fire, and explaining what to do, if they didn't know, (2)holding the circle around the fire, shaking rattles, focusing and supporting the work of those that were there releasing and burning their things, (3) holding the bowl of energy around the whole ritual and (4) clearing folks after they left the fire - using Mugwort smoke and water. I had brought a bright, multi-colored rattle; my first role at the releasing fire was being part of those near the fire. I did that work for likely about an hour. Some of the time, it was just me and the rattle, with me nearly being hypnotized by sound and repetitive motion, trancing out with a nearly empty mind. Other times, I was observing those who came in to place objects in the fire. In those times, sometimes I was feeling powerful and supportive, caring for them, and putting my energy into helping - and feeling the flow of my help very intensely; other times I was considering them, looking at them, thinking about who they are, wondering what they were working on, why they were there, or at Twilight at all. Occasionally, I was feeling judgy about others, not accepting their experiences, or feeling like they were hamming it up for the crowd. Thereafter, naturally, the judginess turned on me, wondering why I couldn't accept others and allow them to just have whatever experience they wanted to have without being so damn opinionated about it. This got me into my own head, and thinking about whether I was "feeling things enough", wondering if I was going to get somewhere with this work, or if I was going to feel like I was faking it. Around and around the wheels of my mind went, though these various modes for the whole time of the fire.
Eventually, I was tapped to go have my own release; I didn't feel a lot of energy as I circled the fire; it seemed far away from me, and I felt distant to my own self and nature. I went around and around but didn't have any sense of getting deeper; I proceeded into releasing anyway. One of the two packets I had made actually fell out of the fire; I paused and put it back in more carefully, watching to be sure it caught. This gave me a small but sharp tick of satisfaction.
Thereafter, I was directed to hold energy in the outer circle; as I stood at a distance, I continued to feel disconnected from myself and only occasionally able to be in the moment. However, at the end of the ritual, they dumped water on the fire; the water hissed, boiled, and became great clouds of steam which drifted across my face, surrounding me in the fog. In that experience, I felt myself come back into me somewhat, and the magic of the situation touched me. We were gathered in a circle around the remains of the fire. I held hands with one of my old Marlboro College friends, which further contributed to my heart gaining focus. We sang to the night: "We are the people of the Earth; we are the people of the Sky; we are the people of the Heart; we are remembering; we are remembering." By the end of this, I was far further down the path towards being ready for a spiritual weekend.
There was a witch ritual at midnight, to connect with our magical ancestors; it was put forward that even if you didn't know who those people were before you, that you had a connection via your blood back to one of these beings. My own sense of spirituality had judgement about this, partly because of my own notions about how unimportant the flesh is, and that our lasting connections extend out in all directions, through time and space, connecting us to beings beyond the scope of this particular damp speck of a world, beyond this cosmos, beyond this version of existence. Yet, I digress. The two clan leaders leading this ritual were lively, fun, and fabulous. They lead a ritual that was a rhyming chant, where we marched in three circles of people around a fire, stamping our right foot with each step (right foot stamping would be a running theme of the weekend, more to come on that later). The spell was called to us, and we called it back, with increasing energy and sound. Before the ritual had started, we'd been directed to write down on a slip of paper the name or names of an ancestor that we wanted to invoke via the ritual; if we didn't have a name, then the notion of who that ancestor might be. I wrote down "Old Shaman" and "Bright Scribe" - two of the guides that sometimes speak to me and through me in my own spiritual work. I'm connected with them in some way, even if not necessarily via blood. Bright Scribe assured me, at that very moment, that Bright Magician was more appropriate a naming for him, and seemed put out a bit that I though of him as a mere scribe. I apologized but was also amused with his immediate appearance and the deep feeling of his reaction. That suggested I'd moved into a better place for the work.
The stamping circle of us build up a lot of energy, rising like a roaring fire around and through me. Soon, we were directed to turn to face the fire and we had a male and female split chant*, back and forth, in a passionate fashion. On order, we turned toward the fire and tossed in the names we'd written down. I felt bright and well connected with the circle while this all was going on. Afterward, we were lead through a series of satisfied sounding "Mmmmmmm"s, the sound one might make in a moment of supreme pleasure or satisfaction. We did this thrice, each time with more passion. By the last time, I was stirred with some passion in my heart and belly. I found my buddy, and we wandered back to the cabin. The night's sleep was comfortable and solid; I don't recall my dreams, but I know there were many. I did wake up at 3-ish, intensely horny - which I attributed to the witch ritual.
Ultimately, despite my struggling with myself, it was a good first night of Twilight.
In the morning, I did anther card draw. Where am I, what lies ahead. The Emperor, which was inverted. A time of instability, where chaos takes the place of order. A lack of courage, being afraid of change, feelings of bitterness about lack of success. So advised, I put myself to listening, acknowledging my fears, yet proceeding with an open heart. I knew I was having apprehensive feelings; I knew that I was worried about the costs of the upcoming changes in me, and worried about the chaos such changes might bring. Yet, through that fire, my new form would come.
*The male and female chant split was a sensitive point for me and others. During the explaination of this ritual someone called out "What if you id as more than one gender, non, or some other state?" to which the guides instructed that they could pick one side of the chant, or they could do both. On the one hand, ok, that was an alright on the spot addressing of the question; however, the ritual running part of me felt there should be something else. Choosing between the two, or doing both, reinforced the notion of the male/female binary. There are many voices outside that binary. I'm not sure what to do with that just yet. My quick answer was to make it arbitrary; "We are going to do a split chant, so we need two groups; starting with you, let's count out, 1, 2, 1, 2, until everyone is on one side or the other." That would break it away from gender entirely, which is one way to address it.
Ok, enough for today. More to come.
Anyway - Twilight Covening, my periodic spiritual retreat, was this last weekend. What is Twilight Covening?
Well, you can get some idea via the link: (Twilight Covening), or you can just try and follow along.
As always, I'm putting this under a cut, because it is gunna be long, and I know that some of the few blog readers that are left get annoyed with having to use the scroll wheel on their mouse. Also, this is likely to be many posts, as it is going to take a while to get this all out of me.
First off, my clan assignment for this year was the Horse clan. The particular attraction for me: shamanic journeying. I'd done such journeys in the past, and engaged in other similar exercises, but I'd never had a focused exploration of it. Thus, in I went. The short version for those who are already drifting off: I had a lot of deep journeys and brought a lot back to work on.
Before heading off to Twilight, I drew a tarot card, thinking upon where I was and what stood before me. I drew The World. Appropriate - it is a card for an ending a current phase of life, and a moment of reflection before the next big phase. Yeah, that seemed right on.
I headed out to Twilight with omly. We arrived right on time, and so I had a few hours to unpack, and do some walking and picture taking. Fall had settled in beautifully, and the weather was perfect. I was so glad to be back. The mountain readily welcomed me, as it always has.
In the first clan time discussion as a group, I put forward that I was seeking to have more genuine connections in my life, that I wanted to be more known by others, and more open to others, more vulnerable and, as such, more part of the lives of those around me. It matched up well with my therapy work, and different training classes and experiences that I've had lately, guiding me toward this goal. I was partnered up with Laura as my buddy; buddies are responsible for keeping track of each other and helping each other out throughout the weekend, a common concept used in most clans in my experience. Laura was coincidentally local to me, and the friend of a friend, though I'd never met her before. If I hadn't heard from her directly, her North Shore accent would have let me know that she was a local soon enough. She had a fierce, bright energy that was infectious.
My mind wasn't in a particularly helpful place on this first night, and kept pushing away my experiences, judging me, criticizing what I said, criticizing what I didn't say, making rude or salacious comments about everyone, and otherwise being troublesome. I prepared for the releasing fire, taking paper that I'd brought from home and putting down what I wanted to be rid of, and to what I wanted to bring a fire; I worked on getting this noise out of my head, so onto the paper, I threw the distractions and lies in my head, and sought a well lit path to a truth for me, and a warming of my heart to the work of the weekend.
I dressed in yellow and red for the evening, in support of the work with the fire to come. My clan was responsible for supporting the releasing fire, the first notable shared event of the weekend. What that consisted of was a few different roles: (1) greeting folks who were showing up at the fire, and explaining what to do, if they didn't know, (2)holding the circle around the fire, shaking rattles, focusing and supporting the work of those that were there releasing and burning their things, (3) holding the bowl of energy around the whole ritual and (4) clearing folks after they left the fire - using Mugwort smoke and water. I had brought a bright, multi-colored rattle; my first role at the releasing fire was being part of those near the fire. I did that work for likely about an hour. Some of the time, it was just me and the rattle, with me nearly being hypnotized by sound and repetitive motion, trancing out with a nearly empty mind. Other times, I was observing those who came in to place objects in the fire. In those times, sometimes I was feeling powerful and supportive, caring for them, and putting my energy into helping - and feeling the flow of my help very intensely; other times I was considering them, looking at them, thinking about who they are, wondering what they were working on, why they were there, or at Twilight at all. Occasionally, I was feeling judgy about others, not accepting their experiences, or feeling like they were hamming it up for the crowd. Thereafter, naturally, the judginess turned on me, wondering why I couldn't accept others and allow them to just have whatever experience they wanted to have without being so damn opinionated about it. This got me into my own head, and thinking about whether I was "feeling things enough", wondering if I was going to get somewhere with this work, or if I was going to feel like I was faking it. Around and around the wheels of my mind went, though these various modes for the whole time of the fire.
Eventually, I was tapped to go have my own release; I didn't feel a lot of energy as I circled the fire; it seemed far away from me, and I felt distant to my own self and nature. I went around and around but didn't have any sense of getting deeper; I proceeded into releasing anyway. One of the two packets I had made actually fell out of the fire; I paused and put it back in more carefully, watching to be sure it caught. This gave me a small but sharp tick of satisfaction.
Thereafter, I was directed to hold energy in the outer circle; as I stood at a distance, I continued to feel disconnected from myself and only occasionally able to be in the moment. However, at the end of the ritual, they dumped water on the fire; the water hissed, boiled, and became great clouds of steam which drifted across my face, surrounding me in the fog. In that experience, I felt myself come back into me somewhat, and the magic of the situation touched me. We were gathered in a circle around the remains of the fire. I held hands with one of my old Marlboro College friends, which further contributed to my heart gaining focus. We sang to the night: "We are the people of the Earth; we are the people of the Sky; we are the people of the Heart; we are remembering; we are remembering." By the end of this, I was far further down the path towards being ready for a spiritual weekend.
There was a witch ritual at midnight, to connect with our magical ancestors; it was put forward that even if you didn't know who those people were before you, that you had a connection via your blood back to one of these beings. My own sense of spirituality had judgement about this, partly because of my own notions about how unimportant the flesh is, and that our lasting connections extend out in all directions, through time and space, connecting us to beings beyond the scope of this particular damp speck of a world, beyond this cosmos, beyond this version of existence. Yet, I digress. The two clan leaders leading this ritual were lively, fun, and fabulous. They lead a ritual that was a rhyming chant, where we marched in three circles of people around a fire, stamping our right foot with each step (right foot stamping would be a running theme of the weekend, more to come on that later). The spell was called to us, and we called it back, with increasing energy and sound. Before the ritual had started, we'd been directed to write down on a slip of paper the name or names of an ancestor that we wanted to invoke via the ritual; if we didn't have a name, then the notion of who that ancestor might be. I wrote down "Old Shaman" and "Bright Scribe" - two of the guides that sometimes speak to me and through me in my own spiritual work. I'm connected with them in some way, even if not necessarily via blood. Bright Scribe assured me, at that very moment, that Bright Magician was more appropriate a naming for him, and seemed put out a bit that I though of him as a mere scribe. I apologized but was also amused with his immediate appearance and the deep feeling of his reaction. That suggested I'd moved into a better place for the work.
The stamping circle of us build up a lot of energy, rising like a roaring fire around and through me. Soon, we were directed to turn to face the fire and we had a male and female split chant*, back and forth, in a passionate fashion. On order, we turned toward the fire and tossed in the names we'd written down. I felt bright and well connected with the circle while this all was going on. Afterward, we were lead through a series of satisfied sounding "Mmmmmmm"s, the sound one might make in a moment of supreme pleasure or satisfaction. We did this thrice, each time with more passion. By the last time, I was stirred with some passion in my heart and belly. I found my buddy, and we wandered back to the cabin. The night's sleep was comfortable and solid; I don't recall my dreams, but I know there were many. I did wake up at 3-ish, intensely horny - which I attributed to the witch ritual.
Ultimately, despite my struggling with myself, it was a good first night of Twilight.
In the morning, I did anther card draw. Where am I, what lies ahead. The Emperor, which was inverted. A time of instability, where chaos takes the place of order. A lack of courage, being afraid of change, feelings of bitterness about lack of success. So advised, I put myself to listening, acknowledging my fears, yet proceeding with an open heart. I knew I was having apprehensive feelings; I knew that I was worried about the costs of the upcoming changes in me, and worried about the chaos such changes might bring. Yet, through that fire, my new form would come.
*The male and female chant split was a sensitive point for me and others. During the explaination of this ritual someone called out "What if you id as more than one gender, non, or some other state?" to which the guides instructed that they could pick one side of the chant, or they could do both. On the one hand, ok, that was an alright on the spot addressing of the question; however, the ritual running part of me felt there should be something else. Choosing between the two, or doing both, reinforced the notion of the male/female binary. There are many voices outside that binary. I'm not sure what to do with that just yet. My quick answer was to make it arbitrary; "We are going to do a split chant, so we need two groups; starting with you, let's count out, 1, 2, 1, 2, until everyone is on one side or the other." That would break it away from gender entirely, which is one way to address it.
Ok, enough for today. More to come.