When Six is Five and Crows cloud Gryphons
Ah, again Twilight Covening. All weekend, I was thinking this was my sixth time at Twilight. I just went back and it was only my fifth. Well, that explains why I couldn't recount all my clans.
Anyway - long, meandering post under the cut, to protect those of you whom don't like accidentally glancing upon my spiritual a-doings - or for those of you whom just really don't like scrolling. However, in this day and age, when Livejournal and Dreamwidth are so lifeless, one might think you'd appreciate having something to scroll past.
Sorry for all the petty details in this. I like to capture it all, never knowing what might be important to me later.
First off, I was in Gryphon clan. What is that about? Let me go cut and paste right from the clan site:
Explore the dark side of sensuality. As like attracts like, sometimes you have to go to the darker depths to release, empower, or learn the hidden truths that lie within. The Gryphon clan explores the techniques
of Dark Eros, utilizing guided meditation, breathing, and light S & M work to help you on a journey to find your winter work. The clan is designed to allow you the freedom to push your own boundaries in a safe, sane, consensual and nurturing environment. The clan is advanced, and those with issues with being touched, frank discussion of human sexuality and sensuality, might find the clan too challenging.
That's right. BDSM and Spiritually, together at last. At least for me. This is something around which I have kept a pretty high fence. However, many had recommended the clan to me, so I was curious, nervous, and hopeful.
omly and I went out to Twilight Covening together. jasra was supposed to be there with us. Alas, in the days just before Twilight, it became clear that work was not going to set her free. Thoughts of her were with me for the weekend. I kept finding myself observing "I wonder what jasra's experience of this would have been like?"
We arrived at 3:30, pre-check-in time. I had printed out two gryphon illustrations for my table - one that was the serious gryphon, standing before a blazing sun, and another that was two cute, kitty-like gryphons. In between these two images was where I felt like my nature fell, so it was good not only for representing the clan, but also for representing me. I also brought a little plastic gryphon who just looked so proud and happy. He was a perfect add to the table. Beyond that, I brought dark chocolate truffles and dark chocolate squares because chocolate.
I met the clan leader almost immediately; she was in a striking velvet cape, and radiated warmth and welcome. That seemed like a good start. Our clan gathering space was Sioux; I had brought a tapestry, two large pillows, two small pillows, 2 strings of purple lights, a pack of unscented candles, and an extension cord. I dropped this all off in clan space, and then headed to set up my own cabin. I was in Elm, which is heated space. I never regret being in heated space.
At my cabin, one of my cabin mates was already there and set up. Her name was something like Devin, and this was her first TC. She was a person with a smile that fills the space. Every time I saw her through the course of the weekend, she gave me this fantastic smile and felt so open. This also seemed like a great start for my TC.
While in the cabin, I created my objects for the releasing fire to come. I drew it all out on paper, with many words and some sigils. In part, they were to lock things down to burn away, but also in the working was bringing the fire into me. I wanted to link me to the fire, to keep me warm and open for what was to come. I wanted it to brighten me to others. I felt good about what I crafted; I carefully folded it up and took it with me to dinner.
For a long time, it looked like our clan was going to be all men, save for our clan leader. I nodded to the cosmos; "well played" thought I. I'd never done any BDSM play on men. This meant that I was going to have lots of exploring opportunities. However, ultimately, two women did show up. My clan was primarily strangers except for one associate from the Boston community.
After dinner, we had our first clan meeting. We were going to be carrying the opening ritual in the morning. It was for air. The group of us went around discussing our thoughts about how to do the ritual. We decided to draw the focus of everyone to the nature of the air about them. The words for my part of the ritual were 'Be aware of the air that gives your thoughts voice and carries them out, connecting you to others."
As a group, we discussed our experiences in spirituality and BDSM. I felt like I was as familiar with these things as most of the folks in the room (all pretty experienced each in our own way). Only one of us had no BDSM experience at all, and it would be revealed, over the course of the weekend, that she had experiences in BDSM like activities - but she just hadn't processed them in that particular way. The energy of the group was easy, though we were all varied in our natures, ages, and demeanors.
My most immediate connection in the group was to the youngest of us, the women with no BDSM experience. We had briefly chatted at dinner, and seemed to share some notions of spirituality. Also, there was a very familiar vibration to her, a haunting sensation that seemed very similar to my own nature. Ultimately, throughout the weekend, she would share information with me and with the clan that would reveal that she and I shared a lot of historical details.
At the releasing fire, I was split in my nature. High in me, I was pleased and effected. The drums drew me in, and pulled a chant up from within me. I was very much drawn into the flow of the energies around the fire, and enjoyed swimming and turning in them. My papers burning in the releasing fire drew a big smile from me, and gave rise to a great feeling of satisfaction. I walked down to the lake thereafter and chanted and danced to the moon, and her reflection in the lake. Yet - some part of me within was a stone. It rejected the bright, forward self. When the bright me challenged it, it responded that I was like a moth attacking a mountain. It dared me to "break yourself on me" and it certainly seemed very solid. However, the brighter me didn't feel distressed by this; rather it felt a heady confidence that it was going to overcome this barrier, and that it already felt like it had the most of me under its sway.
Sleeping the first night, there were dreams, but they eluded me. The night was cold, but I slept well. My cabin mates were super quiet, even though the door squeaked like a dying thing every time it was opened. To my surprise, I discovered I'd forgot to pack soap. I ended up using hand soap for the weekend, which actually worked out just fine.
Saturday morning, we did the morning attunement without a problem. It was raining, so we ended up doing it in the dining hall. Curiously, one of my favorite parts wasn't the ritual at all, but was getting the attention of the crowd. One of my clan leaders started rhythmically clapping, and we joined in. Soon, everyone was silent and focused, ready for the work.
Thereafter, in the morning clan meeting, it was fairly light. We discussed basic BDSM, we looked over various toys, and discussed boundaries. These were all very familiar things to me. We did have a ritual though; it was a quick one - not a shamanic journey, but the process was similar. The primary clan leader directed us to reach down deep into the earth until we came in contact with the lava deep within, and to bring that up to us. This was pleasing unto me, as this is my standard method of "grounding", though I tend to think of it as drawing up fire to burn everything away. During this guided vision, we were instructed to find our safe place. Interestingly, it turns out for me that this is Flat Mountain Pond, where I had backpacked last fall and this spring. I didn't even know that it had made that deep an impression on me. It was in our safe place that we were first drawn to meet our gryphon, which would act as our guide and guardian on our journey. Curiously, my gryphon was hounded by crows - so many that they formed a cloud around him, obscuring him from my view. In my vision, I had to call them off, saying something like "My cousins, my brothers, and sisters, no; let this through!" They were reluctant and even thereafter perched all about, keeping a suspicious eye on things. The gryphon was huge and beautiful, with a great white and black speckled mane of feathers. His eyes were like gold on fire. On his head, he had a crown that was made of antlers that had been woven together. I pressed my face into his feathers, and they were soft as my bed at home. I could feel the warmth of him, and the power and fire that he carried inside.
Later, at lunch, I noticed that my clan mates were very quiet. While other clans seemed to be chatting it up, my clan kept falling into long silences. I was full of fire and kept starting conversations. It was through these efforts that some of my clan mates started opening up to me. Many personal details were shared with me (not to be shared here) that connected me to some of them. There was shared experiences and similar old pains and familiar circumstances and friends network comparison. Some very deep details were entrusted to me. It made me ponder thereafter if I have some quality that makes folks feel comfortable with sharing these sorts of details with me, or if was just that the weekend had folks so open? Whatever the reason, I was glad it was happening, and I was glad to have the feeling that I was already trusted by some of my clan mates.
Saturday afternoon, we drew beads. I got a silver one, which meant that I was going to be the journeyer, at least to start. The young woman who was growing to trust me drew a black bead, so she was going to be a guide; we caught eyes and decided we'd start this together.
A language clarity moment: in this clan, the person who is going to on the receiving end is known as the journeyer; the person who is most apparently doing something is the guide. There was a third role, the guardian. The guardian served in two capacities. They held the space for the work, in the way that is commonly done in many variations of spiritual work. More practically, they kept an eye on things. They made sure, for example, that the journeyer was communicative, that they were in a good space. They made sure that the journeyer and guide stayed talking and aware of each other. They also assured that no one outside the work moved into a position that would, for example, put them in the swing of a tool.
Before this weekend, I had been flogged one time, ever, as part of a demo. So, here I was, with someone with no BDSM experience, on the receiving end for only my second time. Her eyes were ablaze with interest and curiosity, and I was, well, me - always curious and up for experimentation. We went to it like two kids in a toy store. We started with just flogging on the back, but soon we were doing butts too. We alternated who was being the guide and who was being the journeyer pretty soon. She also asked me to flog her breasts, which was tricky as she was small, but very much fun. We were super communicative, in a very joyful and fun way. Later, we explored beyond floggers and crops to scratchy things, and a pair of clawed gloves that I just have to get for my own. We didn't do much of anything from very long, rather jumping from thing to thing. Even so, delightful.
Now, some folk reading this might well go "but wait, this is just a play party, where is the spirituality?" Well, at this point, it was more about just getting us used to play, and trusting each other. Blending in the spirituality came later.
After this part, we gathered as a group again, discussed a bit of our fun, and then moved on to exploring wax play. I had done this just a little bit in the past, and only to others. At one point, I was laying on the floor and having wax dribbled down my back. I felt myself pour out through mat beneath me and drift away from myself. It was so warm and comforting that it broke away some of the residual resistance that I was having for the weekend's experience. I poured wax on many other folks hereafter, especially on feet. The lesson here - more wax play in my future.
The clan split up for the afternoon, and in the pre-dinner time, I managed to have more connecting conversations with my clan mates. Even so, they were still an oddly guarded lot; while we were in clan, they were very talkative, but in the dining hall, they closed up if not actively engaged. So, I kept actively engaging. One of my clan mates, it turned out, was just one step removed through a variety of friends and communities. In fact, I'd likely seen him several times before Twilight. He was a gentle spirit and I felt lucky to get to connect with him.
The young woman with whom I'd been playing earlier was looking troubled. I caught up with her outside and checked in. We did a bit of walking and she shared with me, delving into very deep and personal details of her life. They were all very familiar experiences to me, things that I'd lived through and integrated into myself. We discussed this for the free time we had, and it felt very useful and like the start of some healing.
After dinner, it was back to clan time. One of the clan leaders was experienced with rope play. This was something in which I had a lot of interest, as I have a big pile of rope in my closet at home, just looking to be used. He spoke about what folks can get out of being bound, bringing us over into the spirituality and healing aspect of this kind of work. Establishing a sense of safety, being held in a tight, strong, comfortable way, and guided by someone whom you trusted - these were the important factors. I could certain see how this was possible, knowing how much comfort and safety I find in a heavy pile of blankets, with them wrapped under my feet.
Thereafter, we went on to do some practice with this. I acted in a guardian role, and while the work was being done, I could feel my power growing and growing; I arched my wings up and around the area of the work, and energy radiated out from me, pushing away at the darkness and making the space feel like a warm home. Some difficult work was being done under the cover of my wings, but I could feel how it was breaking up old knots and freeing up energy. The strange notion of tying up someone to help set them free seems to sit easy in me. There was no conflict in this.
Several of my clan mates were tied in various ways; when it came my turn, I was tied back to back with one of my clan mates. As the ropes settled around me, I stilled, very deeply. The more I was tied, the more I became like a still dark pool. For those of you whom know me as the fire being I am, this was quite odd, yet there it was. The clan mate to which I was tied, on the other hand, seemed to be rising in vibrations and blazing energy, becoming more present and chattery. In fact, at one point, I was so still that I couldn't even feel myself any longer; there was only my clan mate, trembling with restrained power, and I could feel her thoughts as they crackled up through her and became words. Eventually, she started growing uncomfortable and, long before she spoke of this, I could feel it building up. When we were finally disconnected, I felt so empty, but also clean and peaceful at the same time.
In the evening, the group of us went to the labyrinth together. As typical, I cried a little bit on the way in. As in my previous labyrinth experiences, this seemed to be just releasing - I couldn't find any thoughts tied to this crying; it was just the crying part of the labyrinth, for as much sense as that makes. After I reached the core and was heading back out, my feet seemed to have a dance in them, and that guided my steps, swaying and carrying me lightly on my way out. After the labyrinth, we headed over to the dream circle. I was so clear at this point and my mind was so still that I just drifted through this. I was there for 20 minutes; I had some tea; I made a dream bag. I didn't feel touched by it and by the morning, I could hardly remember it. Appropriate, I suppose.
On Sunday, we gathered as a clan and discussed our homework - the homework that all of us had forgotten to do! So, we were given a half an hour to do it. What we were supposed to be do was come up with something that we wanted to explore and address via the work. For me, it was giving myself over to others, with trust, to allow myself to be the journeyer rather than the guardian or guide. My nature in all things, work, play, and spiritual practice, was nearly always in a leadership or support capacity. I couldn't let go and put myself into the hands of others. More deeply, this related to my sense of self worth. If I wasn't doing for others, if I wasn't making things happen, then I had no value in the world and others wouldn't need or want me. Deeper than that, there were some old hurts, abusive treatment and language from my childhood, and abandonment, that were tied to these things. Thus, putting myself into the hands of others was reasonably uncomfortable. Perhaps unreasonably uncomfortable. In any case, I was going to go at this. My partner in this exercise, my associate from the Boston community, was interested in exploring full body bondage - head to toe being wrapped and then lowered to the ground. Likely, this was a trust exercise with him too. Via my own magic, I could see some of the locks that he had about this, so I asked if I could mark him, so as to open him more to this experience. He agreed.
While he was being bound, I stood guardian for him. My power was thick upon me and my star was apparent to me (the brilliant light to which I sometimes conscious of my connection). When he was laid upon the mat, I marked the sigils on his head; they were easy to reach, and clicked right into place, opening up his crown and losing his defense in general. Thereafter, I stood by him; my star floated above him, blazing with energies. As its rays passed through him, me, and the others in the room, I could see how it touched strands of intention passing through us, lighting them up. In some cases, it repaired strands that were weak or frayed. Again, I felt very strong and potent in my guardian role; the energy was so clean.
Later, it was my turn. My hands were bound to the edge of one of the bunk beds in the cabin, so that I was standing and they were up slightly higher than my shoulders. My partner whom I had watched over acted as my guide. He started with a scratchy glove and claws, alternately, which gave me fantastic chills, but didn't trigger any kind of spiritual experiences. However, as the flogging began, it changed. As the thud level went up, my mind started to flood with visions. At one point, whenever the blow landed, I would see a flash of a scene - generally some natural space. Each time it was a different place, but they were all places out in the wild places. Sometimes, there were animals. Mostly, I got impressions of lions, leopards, and then later, deer and gazelle. In all cases, they were in rapid motion, hunting or running. The heat in my back built slowly and filled me. Deep vibrations shook through my body and once again, I felt silent and clear. After I was done, it took a while to get the tingles to stop in my hands, but otherwise, I was fine. Later, I would feel like I'd gotten too much sun, but it actually felt wonderful and comforting.
Sunday afternoon, our clan leaders were off helping with the prep of the evening visioning ritual to come. Given this, we were instructed to work together as a clan to explore what areas were were interested in within the work. This manifested in a few ways. I had the opportunity to flog one of the men in my clan, the gentle spirit I'd mentioned earlier. He wanted to re-introduce himself to this kind of experience, and I was happy to explore with him. In the end, I got to try my skills on several folks before dinner. The motion of my body, my breathing, and my mind state all moved into turning patterns of comfortable warmth. I found that it was putting me in a similar mental state as I achieve when I am in the midst of doing spiritual work, when I am at the highest level of clarity.
After dinner, I did some of my own type of work on the young woman whom I'd mentioned earlier. I'd seen in her sigils that she was carrying quite a lot on her back, and her words had confirmed this. I felt like I could do some work that would help free her for the evening ritual. In this case, I used a wooden skewer to do the work. Wooden skewers are a favorite toy of mine, and I've explored marking with them in the past; it was the closest, before this weekend, that I'd gotten to mixing my spiritual practices and my BDSM practices, primarily because this happened naturally for me. In fact, whenever I touch someone's skin, my fingers will find the lines of their energy and intentions and start to explore and light them. In this case, the work was a bit different. Instead of reinforcing and lighting up the marks so that they could be seen, I was loosing their connections to her, and weakening them. They were all factors from outside this place, marks placed upon her by difficult life experiences that could well act like anchors in the work of the evening - tying her in pain and preventing her from being present. I didn't break them, but I weakened the connections to the point where if they were tugged upon, they would come apart or snap. If anything outside tried to use these marks to hold her, it would fail. If she struggled to get free of them, they would come loose. This seemed wholly within the domain of the kind of work we were doing this weekend.
The visioning ritual came later that evening. This year, we gathered in the dining hall to await our turn to start the journey. Just before the ritual started, one of people that I knew from another clan came up to me; she was having a very hard time in her clan, and was feeling ready to leave. She felt like she was being thrown in the ocean and told to swim, as the boat pulled away. We talked through it, and hugged, and that seemed to help a bit. I would see her again later that evening, after the ritual, and she was in a much better place by then.
There was a variety of art that had been made by one of the other clans; this was all about the dining hall. Some of the depictions seemed to be of churning and swirling power; others were suggestive of trees and spiraling limbs. All were striking and I took some time considering each, trying to be patient with the pre-walking part of my evening's journey. After all, this too was part of the ritual, so I tried to be with it. In a tell to the nature of the ritual to come, we were all asked to write a love letter to the Earth. This was easy for me; it just spilled on out. My relationship with nature and the world was easy to evoke and I had many words. I filled a sheet, telling of my passion.
When I felt the time was right, I moved over to the area for those who were ready to go. The first step was to sit with one of members of the Hooded Crow clan. I knew him; I'd had him in a previous clan, and he was the partner of a friend. We contacted eyes, and knew each other, yet I could see something that sat with him, aiding in the work. We did some breathing together, opening me up more and more to greater and greater awareness, and then focusing that awareness in to a tiny point, over and over. During this, a great being came into me, and entity both familiar and strange, and vast beyond all imagining. It looked through my eyes, and was amused at this perception, in a way a child might be if he brought his head down low to look closely at the working of an ant hill. This being felt arrogant beyond all belief and to it the threads of our working were like the thinnest cobwebs. Nonetheless, it was along for the ride, and with it, I felt powerful myself. I moved on to the next area, which was with one of the Atlas Moths. I drew a card, which was marked with the infinity symbol. The entity within me was highly amused by this too, as he felt it was reflective of his nature. This symbol was marked upon my head, and thereafter, I and the moth held hands and breathed together. The entity within me analyzed the woman who was holding my hands, and found that she was filled with disconnected systems, all a jumble; it could see how to reach in and fix this, and it tried to do this, but I held it back. It didn't push me; it laughed at my concerns and about my thoughts that I might control it somehow, yet it went no further.
When my time came to start walking, I was led out into the darkness and then from a first guide, to a second, where I was placed upon the path. A dim way led off into the night, with only occasional lights scattered along its way. The great entity came out and floated and twisted above me, pleased to dance under the stars; this left me feeling empty. The darkness was very deep, and I saw many shapes moving within it. Time and time again, I felt myself walking up to a dark figure directly in my path, only to have it pass into me; it was me, and I was gathering it up. I'm not sure why these parts of me were waiting along the path. As I stepped into each one, there was a shiver; it felt both frightening and correct.
The guides that I met along the way gave me an acorn, advising me to use it wisely. They also spoke of a group of companions - strong, agile, wise, bold, and generous That these five were always there on the journey, working together to make things move forward. I received a token as well, marked with a symbol that would later turn out to be "Strong". Eventually, I reached a point where I was instructed to cover my eyes, and I was led forward so blinded, and brought to the lead line.
This is something that happens in all the visioning rituals that I've been in at TC. In fact, the last time I was at TC, I was the sighted guide, leading this line. It's tricky work getting a group of blindfolded folks to grasp a knotted rope, and lead them along through the darkness. At one point, as they were positioning me, one of the guides snapped "be still!" and then roughly shifted me around. The great entity who had been following me along was drawn back from the stars by my feelings in this moment, and it was him that watched what came thereafter. I was only a rider for a bit.
We were led along, and soon, there were voices around us. They spoke of environmental dangers to the Earth, of the loss of habitat and life forms, of how much that people are demanding in terms of resources vs what the Earth can sustain. They spoke of weather changes and strange hurricanes, and coastal loss, and other similar issues. The great being within me at first found this boring, and then agitating, then angering. From his perspective, he was being harassed by ants, who were going on and on about their dirt hill. At one point, his thoughts were "How dare you waste this moment with me on such a trifle." In his senses, I could see that all that we know was a simple mote of dust, floating about where his great clawed feet dangled. I was drowned in his anger. However, when it got to its peak, I was instructed to remove my blindfold. My eyes opened to a starry sky, which was reflected below in the lake. The Big Dipper loomed above me. The great being relaxed; this was his place, and this vision of beauty and stars brought him to familiar comfort. A guide spoke to me about the minimal nature of people and our time in the world, to which the great being agreed, but he was starting to recede, still burning with anger that his moment of peering through me had been wasted in this way. I was directed into a sacred circle, and as I walked among it, each loop disconnected a bit of the great being from me, until he was totally released back to his starry place. For a moment, I felt empty, and then I felt a surge of doubt about the ritual, about my time at Twilight. Some part of me wanted to escape, to break from the path and leave. However, my oldest guide drifted in along side me and sang to me, keeping me moving.
Eventually, I came upon a being dressed in a business suit who told me the journey was over, that all I had heard about it being a difficult journey had been just something to build things up; he pointed to a clearly lit path ahead and told me that there were some great interactive exhibits directly ahead. It was just going to cost me my acorn. The salesman-like quality of the guy turned me off and I refused him. There was a path into the darkness and bushes to the left. I headed in that way.
The path was so choked with branches, and so dark, that the only way to move forward was to crawl. Also, I was quickly not certain that I was on a path at all, and worried that I had crawled off the wrong direction. My old guide was with me though, and he assured me we were going the right way. After what seemed like quite a while, I found a proper path, stood up, and headed along. Soon it became clear that I was just a short way beyond the salesman; I had still found my way to where the short, bright path had led, despite having taking the difficult path.
There were a variety of booths set up in the forest; each of them seemed to be some kind of quick-fix suggestion as to how to fix the environment. In some cases, it was "if we pray hard enough, then the Earth will be healed"; in other cases it was "I'm involved in a pagan community of Earth-loving people, who rejects the mainstream" or "My tree art will inform and change the world." It all seemed like shams and distractions, so I moved on.
I headed on through the wood and I came to a guardian at a bridge. He advised me that I needed to keep to the way of my heart. He directed me to put my hand to my heart and to keep it there. He taped my arm to me, saying this was to help me remember to what I had committed. He had a kind and direct nature, so I trusted him, though I had no particular reason to do so.
I found my way to a curious being who was two beings fused, and this pair was acting as a gateway. To pass, I needed to have four companions. I was carrying the glyph for Strong; I need the four others with the four other glyphs. Travelers were gathering up at the gateway. We compared glyphs and in a few minutes we had Generous, Agile, Bold and two Strong. We spoke to the gatekeepers about our situation, and they pointed out a near-by being - a shadowy hedge-beast. According to them, we might be able to work something out with it. We approached it and spoke to it respectfully; we showed it the duplicate token we had. After a bit of sniffing, it took the extra Strong and gave us a Wise in return. With this, we were able to make it past the gate keepers.
Beyond the gate, we found our way to a mother-earth like entity. She reviewed our natures, and gave us the label Willow. We were directed to be like the willow, to take root, and she would tell us when our time came. Another group was already there ahead of us. They waited quietly until someone came to take them away. A short while later, another group arrived. As their natures were revealed, each of us who had the corresponding nature waved politely. Eventually, our time came, and we were led down the path.
We came upon where there was a man by a partly downed tree. There were some other trees in the area were completely down and dead, but this one was still somewhat alive. He was certain that we could, if we combined our efforts, get the tree right, and it would grow straight and strong again. We were all dubious, and tried to explain to him that this was just one tree, and it would clear the way for new growth. Plus, only a backhoe was going to be able to move this tree, as it was huge. He was unconvinced and demanded that we chipped in to help him. He also asked why we only pushed with one arm, as we were all stilled taped up. Another guide approached us and questioned us. She asked why we only had one arm, and who had told us we had to do that? None of us had a good answer, so we set our arm free. Still, the tree-man was inconsolable, and there was no way we were going to fix that tree, even with two arms, so we moved on. A short distance beyond, we came to another being who had a somewhat more sensible plan to save the forest, in that we could plant trees in a space that had been cleared by falling trees. As it was, we each still had our acorns, so we planted them. This seemed a bit more productive than the efforts of the previous guy.
Along further down the trail, we came across a variety of obstacles. We had been given a light at some point around this part, and Agile had it. She used it to point out the rocks and roots along the way, so we could make it safely. At one point, there was a bit of a climb. I went ahead and reached down, helping my travelling companions up. Thereafter, we came to a place where there was a clear pool of water, and a sign directing us to bless each other. I believe that Generous took care of that. Further on, we came to a place where there was a dark hollow under a tree, and a being there advised us that we could find some wonder therein. Bold reached into the hollow and drew us out each a new acorn.
Eventually we came to a sign that directed us to bless the earth. There was a little bell there as well. Wise handled this. We gathered in a circle. She spoke a fine and clear blessing, completely appropriate to our journey. I was impressed. After this, we headed on to where it got very steep - as in, you needed your hands to proceed. There was a guide there who assured us we were almost home. We were dubious, but we went on anyway, with Agile lighting our way. At the top, we came to an area where many had gathered. There were a couple fires, some benches, and some places to engage in a bit of craft, where we could weave some natural materials into some wreaths of branches that they had hanging in the area. There was singing, and some folks were dancing about the fire. However, my group of five were certain that this was a trick, and we spent about 20 minutes trying to find a way out of this area. My interactions with the guides along the edges of this area soon made it clear; we were at the end. This was the gathering place. Even so, some remained unconvinced and spent more time seeking a way out. I joined the dancing, which really helped to both keep me warm, and make the time pass. This was also part of the ritual and similar to the waiting at the beginning, for many it seemed like the hardest part. I kept myself busy for quite a while; eventually, my clan mates found each other and we sat together. However, none of them seemed to be in a comfortable place; they all were ready to go. Given that, I kept getting up, moving around, and dancing, until all arrived and it was time to go.
It was midnight something when we got back to the dining hall. My clan had clean-up shift that night too; this was a first to me. Ultimately, we'd finish up and get to bed by 2:something. All my clan mates seemed to have made the journey well, and were pretty upbeat. I was still feeling conflicted by the visioning ritual, its message, and my experience of it. It would take me several days of processing to put it all together. Surprisingly, I did sleep well that night, though my mind felt full.
On Monday, our last clan meeting was pretty minimal. Everyone was pretty cooked from the late night. We efficiently cleaned up our space. We discussed some of our most notable experiences from the weekend. We shared some seeds from the pomegranate (the fruit had served as a symbol of the decent into dark places that we were going through over the weekend). We went through our notions about what we thought we should do to show off our clan work at the closing ritual. My initial idea, which involved displaying some of the tools of our craft, wasn't going to work. There were strong feelings that we shouldn't flaunt those particular things, as they might be triggery for some folks. In the end, the ritual we came up with was having one of us walk to the center of the circle of all clans and blindfold herself; the rest of us would hold a place in a smaller circle around her. One of us (ultimately, it was me) would walk to where she was, and have her clasp a rope. She would be lead out from the center, and to the smaller circle, where she would be passed, in turn, to each of the members of our clan, until she had been led around, full circle, and returned to the center by our clan leader. There, she would remove her blindfold, and the two of them would hug, then the rest of us would close in, and we would all hold together for a few breaths. When we did it, we pulled it off super-well. When I was packing out, my cabin mate told me that she thought that our presentation touched her the most.
As always, the final circle of all clans was highly energizing for me. I was filled with the power and love that was there. It is always in that moment that I think "Why would I not always go to Twilight every year?" That said, even as the moment of high passed, and we moved to packing and heading home, the feeling stuck with me. I get so much out of the experience. Even in the moments of frustration and waiting, there is something there for me to learn. Sometimes, it's not necessarily the lesson I signed up for, but that is the nature of life, so far as I have seen.
Overall, a great Twilight Covening. A number of people tempted me again to go to Rites of Spring. I am pondering it, though I am also saving money for a trip to Utah next October, which might mean no Rites and no Twilight. That remains to be seen.
Even with all of those words, I'm sure I've already lost a bunch of it.
Anyway - long, meandering post under the cut, to protect those of you whom don't like accidentally glancing upon my spiritual a-doings - or for those of you whom just really don't like scrolling. However, in this day and age, when Livejournal and Dreamwidth are so lifeless, one might think you'd appreciate having something to scroll past.
Sorry for all the petty details in this. I like to capture it all, never knowing what might be important to me later.
First off, I was in Gryphon clan. What is that about? Let me go cut and paste right from the clan site:
Explore the dark side of sensuality. As like attracts like, sometimes you have to go to the darker depths to release, empower, or learn the hidden truths that lie within. The Gryphon clan explores the techniques
of Dark Eros, utilizing guided meditation, breathing, and light S & M work to help you on a journey to find your winter work. The clan is designed to allow you the freedom to push your own boundaries in a safe, sane, consensual and nurturing environment. The clan is advanced, and those with issues with being touched, frank discussion of human sexuality and sensuality, might find the clan too challenging.
That's right. BDSM and Spiritually, together at last. At least for me. This is something around which I have kept a pretty high fence. However, many had recommended the clan to me, so I was curious, nervous, and hopeful.
omly and I went out to Twilight Covening together. jasra was supposed to be there with us. Alas, in the days just before Twilight, it became clear that work was not going to set her free. Thoughts of her were with me for the weekend. I kept finding myself observing "I wonder what jasra's experience of this would have been like?"
We arrived at 3:30, pre-check-in time. I had printed out two gryphon illustrations for my table - one that was the serious gryphon, standing before a blazing sun, and another that was two cute, kitty-like gryphons. In between these two images was where I felt like my nature fell, so it was good not only for representing the clan, but also for representing me. I also brought a little plastic gryphon who just looked so proud and happy. He was a perfect add to the table. Beyond that, I brought dark chocolate truffles and dark chocolate squares because chocolate.
I met the clan leader almost immediately; she was in a striking velvet cape, and radiated warmth and welcome. That seemed like a good start. Our clan gathering space was Sioux; I had brought a tapestry, two large pillows, two small pillows, 2 strings of purple lights, a pack of unscented candles, and an extension cord. I dropped this all off in clan space, and then headed to set up my own cabin. I was in Elm, which is heated space. I never regret being in heated space.
At my cabin, one of my cabin mates was already there and set up. Her name was something like Devin, and this was her first TC. She was a person with a smile that fills the space. Every time I saw her through the course of the weekend, she gave me this fantastic smile and felt so open. This also seemed like a great start for my TC.
While in the cabin, I created my objects for the releasing fire to come. I drew it all out on paper, with many words and some sigils. In part, they were to lock things down to burn away, but also in the working was bringing the fire into me. I wanted to link me to the fire, to keep me warm and open for what was to come. I wanted it to brighten me to others. I felt good about what I crafted; I carefully folded it up and took it with me to dinner.
For a long time, it looked like our clan was going to be all men, save for our clan leader. I nodded to the cosmos; "well played" thought I. I'd never done any BDSM play on men. This meant that I was going to have lots of exploring opportunities. However, ultimately, two women did show up. My clan was primarily strangers except for one associate from the Boston community.
After dinner, we had our first clan meeting. We were going to be carrying the opening ritual in the morning. It was for air. The group of us went around discussing our thoughts about how to do the ritual. We decided to draw the focus of everyone to the nature of the air about them. The words for my part of the ritual were 'Be aware of the air that gives your thoughts voice and carries them out, connecting you to others."
As a group, we discussed our experiences in spirituality and BDSM. I felt like I was as familiar with these things as most of the folks in the room (all pretty experienced each in our own way). Only one of us had no BDSM experience at all, and it would be revealed, over the course of the weekend, that she had experiences in BDSM like activities - but she just hadn't processed them in that particular way. The energy of the group was easy, though we were all varied in our natures, ages, and demeanors.
My most immediate connection in the group was to the youngest of us, the women with no BDSM experience. We had briefly chatted at dinner, and seemed to share some notions of spirituality. Also, there was a very familiar vibration to her, a haunting sensation that seemed very similar to my own nature. Ultimately, throughout the weekend, she would share information with me and with the clan that would reveal that she and I shared a lot of historical details.
At the releasing fire, I was split in my nature. High in me, I was pleased and effected. The drums drew me in, and pulled a chant up from within me. I was very much drawn into the flow of the energies around the fire, and enjoyed swimming and turning in them. My papers burning in the releasing fire drew a big smile from me, and gave rise to a great feeling of satisfaction. I walked down to the lake thereafter and chanted and danced to the moon, and her reflection in the lake. Yet - some part of me within was a stone. It rejected the bright, forward self. When the bright me challenged it, it responded that I was like a moth attacking a mountain. It dared me to "break yourself on me" and it certainly seemed very solid. However, the brighter me didn't feel distressed by this; rather it felt a heady confidence that it was going to overcome this barrier, and that it already felt like it had the most of me under its sway.
Sleeping the first night, there were dreams, but they eluded me. The night was cold, but I slept well. My cabin mates were super quiet, even though the door squeaked like a dying thing every time it was opened. To my surprise, I discovered I'd forgot to pack soap. I ended up using hand soap for the weekend, which actually worked out just fine.
Saturday morning, we did the morning attunement without a problem. It was raining, so we ended up doing it in the dining hall. Curiously, one of my favorite parts wasn't the ritual at all, but was getting the attention of the crowd. One of my clan leaders started rhythmically clapping, and we joined in. Soon, everyone was silent and focused, ready for the work.
Thereafter, in the morning clan meeting, it was fairly light. We discussed basic BDSM, we looked over various toys, and discussed boundaries. These were all very familiar things to me. We did have a ritual though; it was a quick one - not a shamanic journey, but the process was similar. The primary clan leader directed us to reach down deep into the earth until we came in contact with the lava deep within, and to bring that up to us. This was pleasing unto me, as this is my standard method of "grounding", though I tend to think of it as drawing up fire to burn everything away. During this guided vision, we were instructed to find our safe place. Interestingly, it turns out for me that this is Flat Mountain Pond, where I had backpacked last fall and this spring. I didn't even know that it had made that deep an impression on me. It was in our safe place that we were first drawn to meet our gryphon, which would act as our guide and guardian on our journey. Curiously, my gryphon was hounded by crows - so many that they formed a cloud around him, obscuring him from my view. In my vision, I had to call them off, saying something like "My cousins, my brothers, and sisters, no; let this through!" They were reluctant and even thereafter perched all about, keeping a suspicious eye on things. The gryphon was huge and beautiful, with a great white and black speckled mane of feathers. His eyes were like gold on fire. On his head, he had a crown that was made of antlers that had been woven together. I pressed my face into his feathers, and they were soft as my bed at home. I could feel the warmth of him, and the power and fire that he carried inside.
Later, at lunch, I noticed that my clan mates were very quiet. While other clans seemed to be chatting it up, my clan kept falling into long silences. I was full of fire and kept starting conversations. It was through these efforts that some of my clan mates started opening up to me. Many personal details were shared with me (not to be shared here) that connected me to some of them. There was shared experiences and similar old pains and familiar circumstances and friends network comparison. Some very deep details were entrusted to me. It made me ponder thereafter if I have some quality that makes folks feel comfortable with sharing these sorts of details with me, or if was just that the weekend had folks so open? Whatever the reason, I was glad it was happening, and I was glad to have the feeling that I was already trusted by some of my clan mates.
Saturday afternoon, we drew beads. I got a silver one, which meant that I was going to be the journeyer, at least to start. The young woman who was growing to trust me drew a black bead, so she was going to be a guide; we caught eyes and decided we'd start this together.
A language clarity moment: in this clan, the person who is going to on the receiving end is known as the journeyer; the person who is most apparently doing something is the guide. There was a third role, the guardian. The guardian served in two capacities. They held the space for the work, in the way that is commonly done in many variations of spiritual work. More practically, they kept an eye on things. They made sure, for example, that the journeyer was communicative, that they were in a good space. They made sure that the journeyer and guide stayed talking and aware of each other. They also assured that no one outside the work moved into a position that would, for example, put them in the swing of a tool.
Before this weekend, I had been flogged one time, ever, as part of a demo. So, here I was, with someone with no BDSM experience, on the receiving end for only my second time. Her eyes were ablaze with interest and curiosity, and I was, well, me - always curious and up for experimentation. We went to it like two kids in a toy store. We started with just flogging on the back, but soon we were doing butts too. We alternated who was being the guide and who was being the journeyer pretty soon. She also asked me to flog her breasts, which was tricky as she was small, but very much fun. We were super communicative, in a very joyful and fun way. Later, we explored beyond floggers and crops to scratchy things, and a pair of clawed gloves that I just have to get for my own. We didn't do much of anything from very long, rather jumping from thing to thing. Even so, delightful.
Now, some folk reading this might well go "but wait, this is just a play party, where is the spirituality?" Well, at this point, it was more about just getting us used to play, and trusting each other. Blending in the spirituality came later.
After this part, we gathered as a group again, discussed a bit of our fun, and then moved on to exploring wax play. I had done this just a little bit in the past, and only to others. At one point, I was laying on the floor and having wax dribbled down my back. I felt myself pour out through mat beneath me and drift away from myself. It was so warm and comforting that it broke away some of the residual resistance that I was having for the weekend's experience. I poured wax on many other folks hereafter, especially on feet. The lesson here - more wax play in my future.
The clan split up for the afternoon, and in the pre-dinner time, I managed to have more connecting conversations with my clan mates. Even so, they were still an oddly guarded lot; while we were in clan, they were very talkative, but in the dining hall, they closed up if not actively engaged. So, I kept actively engaging. One of my clan mates, it turned out, was just one step removed through a variety of friends and communities. In fact, I'd likely seen him several times before Twilight. He was a gentle spirit and I felt lucky to get to connect with him.
The young woman with whom I'd been playing earlier was looking troubled. I caught up with her outside and checked in. We did a bit of walking and she shared with me, delving into very deep and personal details of her life. They were all very familiar experiences to me, things that I'd lived through and integrated into myself. We discussed this for the free time we had, and it felt very useful and like the start of some healing.
After dinner, it was back to clan time. One of the clan leaders was experienced with rope play. This was something in which I had a lot of interest, as I have a big pile of rope in my closet at home, just looking to be used. He spoke about what folks can get out of being bound, bringing us over into the spirituality and healing aspect of this kind of work. Establishing a sense of safety, being held in a tight, strong, comfortable way, and guided by someone whom you trusted - these were the important factors. I could certain see how this was possible, knowing how much comfort and safety I find in a heavy pile of blankets, with them wrapped under my feet.
Thereafter, we went on to do some practice with this. I acted in a guardian role, and while the work was being done, I could feel my power growing and growing; I arched my wings up and around the area of the work, and energy radiated out from me, pushing away at the darkness and making the space feel like a warm home. Some difficult work was being done under the cover of my wings, but I could feel how it was breaking up old knots and freeing up energy. The strange notion of tying up someone to help set them free seems to sit easy in me. There was no conflict in this.
Several of my clan mates were tied in various ways; when it came my turn, I was tied back to back with one of my clan mates. As the ropes settled around me, I stilled, very deeply. The more I was tied, the more I became like a still dark pool. For those of you whom know me as the fire being I am, this was quite odd, yet there it was. The clan mate to which I was tied, on the other hand, seemed to be rising in vibrations and blazing energy, becoming more present and chattery. In fact, at one point, I was so still that I couldn't even feel myself any longer; there was only my clan mate, trembling with restrained power, and I could feel her thoughts as they crackled up through her and became words. Eventually, she started growing uncomfortable and, long before she spoke of this, I could feel it building up. When we were finally disconnected, I felt so empty, but also clean and peaceful at the same time.
In the evening, the group of us went to the labyrinth together. As typical, I cried a little bit on the way in. As in my previous labyrinth experiences, this seemed to be just releasing - I couldn't find any thoughts tied to this crying; it was just the crying part of the labyrinth, for as much sense as that makes. After I reached the core and was heading back out, my feet seemed to have a dance in them, and that guided my steps, swaying and carrying me lightly on my way out. After the labyrinth, we headed over to the dream circle. I was so clear at this point and my mind was so still that I just drifted through this. I was there for 20 minutes; I had some tea; I made a dream bag. I didn't feel touched by it and by the morning, I could hardly remember it. Appropriate, I suppose.
On Sunday, we gathered as a clan and discussed our homework - the homework that all of us had forgotten to do! So, we were given a half an hour to do it. What we were supposed to be do was come up with something that we wanted to explore and address via the work. For me, it was giving myself over to others, with trust, to allow myself to be the journeyer rather than the guardian or guide. My nature in all things, work, play, and spiritual practice, was nearly always in a leadership or support capacity. I couldn't let go and put myself into the hands of others. More deeply, this related to my sense of self worth. If I wasn't doing for others, if I wasn't making things happen, then I had no value in the world and others wouldn't need or want me. Deeper than that, there were some old hurts, abusive treatment and language from my childhood, and abandonment, that were tied to these things. Thus, putting myself into the hands of others was reasonably uncomfortable. Perhaps unreasonably uncomfortable. In any case, I was going to go at this. My partner in this exercise, my associate from the Boston community, was interested in exploring full body bondage - head to toe being wrapped and then lowered to the ground. Likely, this was a trust exercise with him too. Via my own magic, I could see some of the locks that he had about this, so I asked if I could mark him, so as to open him more to this experience. He agreed.
While he was being bound, I stood guardian for him. My power was thick upon me and my star was apparent to me (the brilliant light to which I sometimes conscious of my connection). When he was laid upon the mat, I marked the sigils on his head; they were easy to reach, and clicked right into place, opening up his crown and losing his defense in general. Thereafter, I stood by him; my star floated above him, blazing with energies. As its rays passed through him, me, and the others in the room, I could see how it touched strands of intention passing through us, lighting them up. In some cases, it repaired strands that were weak or frayed. Again, I felt very strong and potent in my guardian role; the energy was so clean.
Later, it was my turn. My hands were bound to the edge of one of the bunk beds in the cabin, so that I was standing and they were up slightly higher than my shoulders. My partner whom I had watched over acted as my guide. He started with a scratchy glove and claws, alternately, which gave me fantastic chills, but didn't trigger any kind of spiritual experiences. However, as the flogging began, it changed. As the thud level went up, my mind started to flood with visions. At one point, whenever the blow landed, I would see a flash of a scene - generally some natural space. Each time it was a different place, but they were all places out in the wild places. Sometimes, there were animals. Mostly, I got impressions of lions, leopards, and then later, deer and gazelle. In all cases, they were in rapid motion, hunting or running. The heat in my back built slowly and filled me. Deep vibrations shook through my body and once again, I felt silent and clear. After I was done, it took a while to get the tingles to stop in my hands, but otherwise, I was fine. Later, I would feel like I'd gotten too much sun, but it actually felt wonderful and comforting.
Sunday afternoon, our clan leaders were off helping with the prep of the evening visioning ritual to come. Given this, we were instructed to work together as a clan to explore what areas were were interested in within the work. This manifested in a few ways. I had the opportunity to flog one of the men in my clan, the gentle spirit I'd mentioned earlier. He wanted to re-introduce himself to this kind of experience, and I was happy to explore with him. In the end, I got to try my skills on several folks before dinner. The motion of my body, my breathing, and my mind state all moved into turning patterns of comfortable warmth. I found that it was putting me in a similar mental state as I achieve when I am in the midst of doing spiritual work, when I am at the highest level of clarity.
After dinner, I did some of my own type of work on the young woman whom I'd mentioned earlier. I'd seen in her sigils that she was carrying quite a lot on her back, and her words had confirmed this. I felt like I could do some work that would help free her for the evening ritual. In this case, I used a wooden skewer to do the work. Wooden skewers are a favorite toy of mine, and I've explored marking with them in the past; it was the closest, before this weekend, that I'd gotten to mixing my spiritual practices and my BDSM practices, primarily because this happened naturally for me. In fact, whenever I touch someone's skin, my fingers will find the lines of their energy and intentions and start to explore and light them. In this case, the work was a bit different. Instead of reinforcing and lighting up the marks so that they could be seen, I was loosing their connections to her, and weakening them. They were all factors from outside this place, marks placed upon her by difficult life experiences that could well act like anchors in the work of the evening - tying her in pain and preventing her from being present. I didn't break them, but I weakened the connections to the point where if they were tugged upon, they would come apart or snap. If anything outside tried to use these marks to hold her, it would fail. If she struggled to get free of them, they would come loose. This seemed wholly within the domain of the kind of work we were doing this weekend.
The visioning ritual came later that evening. This year, we gathered in the dining hall to await our turn to start the journey. Just before the ritual started, one of people that I knew from another clan came up to me; she was having a very hard time in her clan, and was feeling ready to leave. She felt like she was being thrown in the ocean and told to swim, as the boat pulled away. We talked through it, and hugged, and that seemed to help a bit. I would see her again later that evening, after the ritual, and she was in a much better place by then.
There was a variety of art that had been made by one of the other clans; this was all about the dining hall. Some of the depictions seemed to be of churning and swirling power; others were suggestive of trees and spiraling limbs. All were striking and I took some time considering each, trying to be patient with the pre-walking part of my evening's journey. After all, this too was part of the ritual, so I tried to be with it. In a tell to the nature of the ritual to come, we were all asked to write a love letter to the Earth. This was easy for me; it just spilled on out. My relationship with nature and the world was easy to evoke and I had many words. I filled a sheet, telling of my passion.
When I felt the time was right, I moved over to the area for those who were ready to go. The first step was to sit with one of members of the Hooded Crow clan. I knew him; I'd had him in a previous clan, and he was the partner of a friend. We contacted eyes, and knew each other, yet I could see something that sat with him, aiding in the work. We did some breathing together, opening me up more and more to greater and greater awareness, and then focusing that awareness in to a tiny point, over and over. During this, a great being came into me, and entity both familiar and strange, and vast beyond all imagining. It looked through my eyes, and was amused at this perception, in a way a child might be if he brought his head down low to look closely at the working of an ant hill. This being felt arrogant beyond all belief and to it the threads of our working were like the thinnest cobwebs. Nonetheless, it was along for the ride, and with it, I felt powerful myself. I moved on to the next area, which was with one of the Atlas Moths. I drew a card, which was marked with the infinity symbol. The entity within me was highly amused by this too, as he felt it was reflective of his nature. This symbol was marked upon my head, and thereafter, I and the moth held hands and breathed together. The entity within me analyzed the woman who was holding my hands, and found that she was filled with disconnected systems, all a jumble; it could see how to reach in and fix this, and it tried to do this, but I held it back. It didn't push me; it laughed at my concerns and about my thoughts that I might control it somehow, yet it went no further.
When my time came to start walking, I was led out into the darkness and then from a first guide, to a second, where I was placed upon the path. A dim way led off into the night, with only occasional lights scattered along its way. The great entity came out and floated and twisted above me, pleased to dance under the stars; this left me feeling empty. The darkness was very deep, and I saw many shapes moving within it. Time and time again, I felt myself walking up to a dark figure directly in my path, only to have it pass into me; it was me, and I was gathering it up. I'm not sure why these parts of me were waiting along the path. As I stepped into each one, there was a shiver; it felt both frightening and correct.
The guides that I met along the way gave me an acorn, advising me to use it wisely. They also spoke of a group of companions - strong, agile, wise, bold, and generous That these five were always there on the journey, working together to make things move forward. I received a token as well, marked with a symbol that would later turn out to be "Strong". Eventually, I reached a point where I was instructed to cover my eyes, and I was led forward so blinded, and brought to the lead line.
This is something that happens in all the visioning rituals that I've been in at TC. In fact, the last time I was at TC, I was the sighted guide, leading this line. It's tricky work getting a group of blindfolded folks to grasp a knotted rope, and lead them along through the darkness. At one point, as they were positioning me, one of the guides snapped "be still!" and then roughly shifted me around. The great entity who had been following me along was drawn back from the stars by my feelings in this moment, and it was him that watched what came thereafter. I was only a rider for a bit.
We were led along, and soon, there were voices around us. They spoke of environmental dangers to the Earth, of the loss of habitat and life forms, of how much that people are demanding in terms of resources vs what the Earth can sustain. They spoke of weather changes and strange hurricanes, and coastal loss, and other similar issues. The great being within me at first found this boring, and then agitating, then angering. From his perspective, he was being harassed by ants, who were going on and on about their dirt hill. At one point, his thoughts were "How dare you waste this moment with me on such a trifle." In his senses, I could see that all that we know was a simple mote of dust, floating about where his great clawed feet dangled. I was drowned in his anger. However, when it got to its peak, I was instructed to remove my blindfold. My eyes opened to a starry sky, which was reflected below in the lake. The Big Dipper loomed above me. The great being relaxed; this was his place, and this vision of beauty and stars brought him to familiar comfort. A guide spoke to me about the minimal nature of people and our time in the world, to which the great being agreed, but he was starting to recede, still burning with anger that his moment of peering through me had been wasted in this way. I was directed into a sacred circle, and as I walked among it, each loop disconnected a bit of the great being from me, until he was totally released back to his starry place. For a moment, I felt empty, and then I felt a surge of doubt about the ritual, about my time at Twilight. Some part of me wanted to escape, to break from the path and leave. However, my oldest guide drifted in along side me and sang to me, keeping me moving.
Eventually, I came upon a being dressed in a business suit who told me the journey was over, that all I had heard about it being a difficult journey had been just something to build things up; he pointed to a clearly lit path ahead and told me that there were some great interactive exhibits directly ahead. It was just going to cost me my acorn. The salesman-like quality of the guy turned me off and I refused him. There was a path into the darkness and bushes to the left. I headed in that way.
The path was so choked with branches, and so dark, that the only way to move forward was to crawl. Also, I was quickly not certain that I was on a path at all, and worried that I had crawled off the wrong direction. My old guide was with me though, and he assured me we were going the right way. After what seemed like quite a while, I found a proper path, stood up, and headed along. Soon it became clear that I was just a short way beyond the salesman; I had still found my way to where the short, bright path had led, despite having taking the difficult path.
There were a variety of booths set up in the forest; each of them seemed to be some kind of quick-fix suggestion as to how to fix the environment. In some cases, it was "if we pray hard enough, then the Earth will be healed"; in other cases it was "I'm involved in a pagan community of Earth-loving people, who rejects the mainstream" or "My tree art will inform and change the world." It all seemed like shams and distractions, so I moved on.
I headed on through the wood and I came to a guardian at a bridge. He advised me that I needed to keep to the way of my heart. He directed me to put my hand to my heart and to keep it there. He taped my arm to me, saying this was to help me remember to what I had committed. He had a kind and direct nature, so I trusted him, though I had no particular reason to do so.
I found my way to a curious being who was two beings fused, and this pair was acting as a gateway. To pass, I needed to have four companions. I was carrying the glyph for Strong; I need the four others with the four other glyphs. Travelers were gathering up at the gateway. We compared glyphs and in a few minutes we had Generous, Agile, Bold and two Strong. We spoke to the gatekeepers about our situation, and they pointed out a near-by being - a shadowy hedge-beast. According to them, we might be able to work something out with it. We approached it and spoke to it respectfully; we showed it the duplicate token we had. After a bit of sniffing, it took the extra Strong and gave us a Wise in return. With this, we were able to make it past the gate keepers.
Beyond the gate, we found our way to a mother-earth like entity. She reviewed our natures, and gave us the label Willow. We were directed to be like the willow, to take root, and she would tell us when our time came. Another group was already there ahead of us. They waited quietly until someone came to take them away. A short while later, another group arrived. As their natures were revealed, each of us who had the corresponding nature waved politely. Eventually, our time came, and we were led down the path.
We came upon where there was a man by a partly downed tree. There were some other trees in the area were completely down and dead, but this one was still somewhat alive. He was certain that we could, if we combined our efforts, get the tree right, and it would grow straight and strong again. We were all dubious, and tried to explain to him that this was just one tree, and it would clear the way for new growth. Plus, only a backhoe was going to be able to move this tree, as it was huge. He was unconvinced and demanded that we chipped in to help him. He also asked why we only pushed with one arm, as we were all stilled taped up. Another guide approached us and questioned us. She asked why we only had one arm, and who had told us we had to do that? None of us had a good answer, so we set our arm free. Still, the tree-man was inconsolable, and there was no way we were going to fix that tree, even with two arms, so we moved on. A short distance beyond, we came to another being who had a somewhat more sensible plan to save the forest, in that we could plant trees in a space that had been cleared by falling trees. As it was, we each still had our acorns, so we planted them. This seemed a bit more productive than the efforts of the previous guy.
Along further down the trail, we came across a variety of obstacles. We had been given a light at some point around this part, and Agile had it. She used it to point out the rocks and roots along the way, so we could make it safely. At one point, there was a bit of a climb. I went ahead and reached down, helping my travelling companions up. Thereafter, we came to a place where there was a clear pool of water, and a sign directing us to bless each other. I believe that Generous took care of that. Further on, we came to a place where there was a dark hollow under a tree, and a being there advised us that we could find some wonder therein. Bold reached into the hollow and drew us out each a new acorn.
Eventually we came to a sign that directed us to bless the earth. There was a little bell there as well. Wise handled this. We gathered in a circle. She spoke a fine and clear blessing, completely appropriate to our journey. I was impressed. After this, we headed on to where it got very steep - as in, you needed your hands to proceed. There was a guide there who assured us we were almost home. We were dubious, but we went on anyway, with Agile lighting our way. At the top, we came to an area where many had gathered. There were a couple fires, some benches, and some places to engage in a bit of craft, where we could weave some natural materials into some wreaths of branches that they had hanging in the area. There was singing, and some folks were dancing about the fire. However, my group of five were certain that this was a trick, and we spent about 20 minutes trying to find a way out of this area. My interactions with the guides along the edges of this area soon made it clear; we were at the end. This was the gathering place. Even so, some remained unconvinced and spent more time seeking a way out. I joined the dancing, which really helped to both keep me warm, and make the time pass. This was also part of the ritual and similar to the waiting at the beginning, for many it seemed like the hardest part. I kept myself busy for quite a while; eventually, my clan mates found each other and we sat together. However, none of them seemed to be in a comfortable place; they all were ready to go. Given that, I kept getting up, moving around, and dancing, until all arrived and it was time to go.
It was midnight something when we got back to the dining hall. My clan had clean-up shift that night too; this was a first to me. Ultimately, we'd finish up and get to bed by 2:something. All my clan mates seemed to have made the journey well, and were pretty upbeat. I was still feeling conflicted by the visioning ritual, its message, and my experience of it. It would take me several days of processing to put it all together. Surprisingly, I did sleep well that night, though my mind felt full.
On Monday, our last clan meeting was pretty minimal. Everyone was pretty cooked from the late night. We efficiently cleaned up our space. We discussed some of our most notable experiences from the weekend. We shared some seeds from the pomegranate (the fruit had served as a symbol of the decent into dark places that we were going through over the weekend). We went through our notions about what we thought we should do to show off our clan work at the closing ritual. My initial idea, which involved displaying some of the tools of our craft, wasn't going to work. There were strong feelings that we shouldn't flaunt those particular things, as they might be triggery for some folks. In the end, the ritual we came up with was having one of us walk to the center of the circle of all clans and blindfold herself; the rest of us would hold a place in a smaller circle around her. One of us (ultimately, it was me) would walk to where she was, and have her clasp a rope. She would be lead out from the center, and to the smaller circle, where she would be passed, in turn, to each of the members of our clan, until she had been led around, full circle, and returned to the center by our clan leader. There, she would remove her blindfold, and the two of them would hug, then the rest of us would close in, and we would all hold together for a few breaths. When we did it, we pulled it off super-well. When I was packing out, my cabin mate told me that she thought that our presentation touched her the most.
As always, the final circle of all clans was highly energizing for me. I was filled with the power and love that was there. It is always in that moment that I think "Why would I not always go to Twilight every year?" That said, even as the moment of high passed, and we moved to packing and heading home, the feeling stuck with me. I get so much out of the experience. Even in the moments of frustration and waiting, there is something there for me to learn. Sometimes, it's not necessarily the lesson I signed up for, but that is the nature of life, so far as I have seen.
Overall, a great Twilight Covening. A number of people tempted me again to go to Rites of Spring. I am pondering it, though I am also saving money for a trip to Utah next October, which might mean no Rites and no Twilight. That remains to be seen.
Even with all of those words, I'm sure I've already lost a bunch of it.