Twilight Covening IV: The Spiral Dance
This was my forth time going to Twilight Covening. If you are unfamiliar with what I speak, go check it out on their site.
If you aren't interested in my crazy long post about my spiritual weekend away, note how I put the whole thing under a cut tag? As such, you don't have to waste valuable seconds using the scrolly wheel, or hitting the page down button; as typical, I live to give. Or some such.
Fortunately, I did a pretty good job paper journaling this time, which means that I can just dump some of that directly into here. That said, I already know that some of the aspects of the experience have slipped away from me.
The trip out to TC went as smooth as anything; no traffic, perfect weather, and we (
omly and I) arrived about 10 minutes after the earliest possible time to arrive. As soon as I arrived, I started feeling giddy and light headed, and that wasn't just because it was nearly dinner time. The anticipation was high, especially since I'd skipped last year (in favor of a trip to the Grand Canyon). There were some familiar faces early on, which was comforting. When I got to the room sign up table, it became apparent that my clan DID have clan housing - this was optional, but it hadn't be mentioned before to my recall. I had already paid for staying in the heated space, but if some of my clan were going to be staying in the same cabin, I wanted in on that. In my experience, it dramatically increases the level of depth and connection that gets made during that time. I'm glad I made that choice. It paid off well. The person at the desk told me that we'd have to work out some way to get me a refund, and I told her to just dump that over into the scholarship fund.
The clan leader happened to be at the clan table when I went over to drop off my decorations for the table (a black witch-cat with a broom, and a very pet-able kitten). We had a brief chat, and then I was off to set up my bunk.
I was staying in the cabin labelled Sioux (which will mean something for folks whom have been). The clan leader had clearly arrived before me, and some of her stuff was there; there were a few other items indicating that some other folks had dropped some things off. I got the bunk nearest to the door, which also had a power outlet behind it. That was awesome for me, since I like to have a fan running when I sleep (yeah, even when it is very cold); the sound helps me sleep, as does the flow of air. Additionally, since it was close to my head, it really covered up all noises, which is handy when you have folks who snore sleeping in the same room as you.
My clan mates started arriving and the energy with them felt very positive right off the bat; the woman who bunked nearest to me had a personality much like my friends back home, had a radiant energy, and was a quick wit besides. We got along famously for the whole weekend, and it was good to make such a great connection right away. Mind you, she was only the first of many great clan connections I made, but finding this so early on was also a comfort.
My clan was Forest Cat; the gist of the clan, on the most basic level, is that it uses traditional runes, plus some very recently developed symbols, which are visualized in a specific series, along with hand gestures and sounds, to work magic. It was not a divination clan, which was a bit confusing for at least one of my clan mates. It was close to Reiki in many ways; in fact, the man who developed this system of work was inspired by Reiki. However, unlike Reiki, this was not exclusively about healing or the body. This was pretty much a full-on range of magical options. You could certainly heal with that - which was the bulk of our focus for the weekend. You could also create magical objects, create wards, inject a spirit into an object, awaken a familiar, etc, etc. Given the range of runes and symbols, there was a lot of potential in this magic.
Now, in advance of this, I had pretty much NO rune experience. I mean, like anyone who does anything spiritual for long, I've run across a bag of runes in a spiritual shop, or seen ones that friends have had. I've seen their use in fiction, and have observed some folks using them as a divination tool. That said, I didn't have any particular draw to them. On the other hand, my clan choices tend to be made by me to force me to try things beyond my normal range of experience or even beyond my comfort level. Thus, this clan was on my list.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with TC, you basically are doing one of three things when you are there. Either, you are in clan time, where you are working with the clan leader and the folks in that same clan on whatever the particular focus of your clan is, or you are in community event time, where some spiritual activity is going on to which the whole community is invited, or it is time for food. Food time can, after a fashion, be considered clan time too, since you sit at your clan table. However, the discussion there tends to be more free form; also people get up, wander around, greet their friends, and such.
On the first night of TC, there is the releasing fire. This is an event held down by the water, around a group of fires. The idea is to bring something that you want to release to free you for the work of the weekend. In the past, this ritual had been a very powerful experience for me, sometimes painfully so, but it really got me ready for the weekend. In preparation, I got some sheets of colored paper and I just poured out all of my fears and distractions and doubts - everything that seemed like it was clouding my mind. That took three sheets of paper. As such, you might think that would mean that the fires were going to be an extra big deal of me. Yet, this visit was probably one of the cleanest I'd ever had. I kept myself in the loop around the first and second fire for longer than I felt I wanted, to be certain that I was giving myself enough time to release. However, the releasing just went, no problems, no crying, no struggling. I felt relaxed, and those fears and concerns burned away as easily as that paper. I sat for a while afterwards, wondering if I was holding back (sometimes I am crafty in that way), but I had no sense of resistance or struggle. I even taunted myself a bit to see if I would rise to any of my fears. Everything just seemed to be not a bother at all, and I felt at ease. I wasn't sure what that boded for the weekend.
Day 2, we started in on the runes. Some of my clan mates had a pretty good knowledge of runes and their meanings in advance of this clan meeting. One of my clan mates was similar to me in that she had virtually no rune experience; however, she had significantly less spiritual work experience too. Initially, it seemed like the whole subject of the clan might not be something she was interested in, based on her reactions. However, she gradually started coming into the experience. One of the things that she was struggling with in particular was a lack of the sense of the magic being worked. While many of us could feel it when the runes were being worked, she had no sense of it at all. This made her concerned; I felt like the clan leader did a pretty good job of letting her know that this was how it was for many folks, and that her own experience had been the same for many years.
While I could certainly feel the power in the working, I was having a hard time managing it myself because there was a lot of memorizing the shapes and sounds of the runes involved. Spell craft required that you had a grasp of what each of the runes did. Whenever I was trying to put something together, I would end up having to skim through practically the entire list of each rune and symbol, make a bunch of notes, reconsider that, go over that again, and then finally settle on it. Then, when I was working the magic, I'd have to consult my spell write-up while casting. I'm used to my own intuitive and spirit-guided work, so this was very new for me. I felt clunky and slow. That said, I knew that this is how it is at the beginning of anything new.
Part of the confusion was in the fact that the runes have several different pronunciations, and the instructor (and my fellow clan mates who knew runes) would bounce around among them, sometimes using two different versions in the same sentence. For those trying to follow along on paper, this made it seem much more confusing than it turned out to ultimately be.
The magic had another concept called Attunement which other types of spiritualism and Reiki use. The gist of the idea is that someone can load short-cuts into your mind that allow you to more quickly access the power that you seek to manipulate. This is done in a ritual in which the instructor preps you and then, via energy, puts each rune and symbol into you. Once this is done, you have ready access to them. However, only with practice can you understand why and when to use these shortcuts.
When I mulled this concept around in my mind, and slept upon it, my mind gave me a different answer. The Attunement process isn't actually putting anything into you. It is just a process to light up something that is already there. It is kind of like someone leading you to the control room of your mind and pointing at the panel of buttons. You now know where the buttons are, and what they look like. However, only with study will you actually know what the buttons do and when you should use them.
In order for me to be attuned, I had to remove my necklace, my ring, and my own natural defenses. I wanted to open to the experience. On the other hand, I felt frightened that this would change me in some undesirable way. Especially I was concerned that it would be used as a method to control me somehow - like a magical version of a computer virus planted into my mind. However, when I sat with it, and consulted with that which guides me, I saw the fear was just that, fear of the unknown; my guides had various thoughts but none of them were concerned. The range was "Amused" to "Curious", but nothing negative. Thus, I went on with it.
There was an altered time state while I was being attuned. I felt like it went on for about 15 minutes, even though I know it actually only took 3 to 4 minutes. The runes and symbols were all written on a poster board before me; while the attunement was going on, they shifted and danced in my vision. For the remainder of the weekend, I would see them dancing behind my eyes, mixing and swirling with the run-of-the-mill hallucinations and sigils that I'm normally seeing. Even now, as I type this, I can still see them in some parts of my vision. Thus, there was certainly something to the attunment process. When it was done, I had a sense that some things had settled down within me into some proper place; however, others seemed to be in there but unsettled. It was as if they had technically gotten into me, but had landed at the wrong angle to fit into place somehow. I felt strangely full for a bit. However, this settled down over the next 30 minutes or so.
We did some practice magic among ourselves. I felt so awkward with the magic that I barely felt a sense of the motion of power at all. I did get the sense of summoning power, and of turning the power off, but I didn't have enough sense yet of the runes to make the middle pieces work at first. Later in the weekend, that would come.
One of the unexpected uses of the runes was for opening and closing portals for the purpose of energy-state change. Basically, you could visualize a place that contained some feeling that you wanted to be surrounded by; say, for example, you were in a crowded office, and you wanted a moment of mental peace. You could open a portal while focusing on this peaceful place, then step through, and find yourself basked in these feelings of safety and relaxation - though you haven't moved at all in terms of the locale of your physical body. It was theorically interesting to me, and was something that I'd achieved via other methods, but I always am interested in exploring new tools. One of my clan mates, feeling pretty confident in his abilities early on, wanted to try an experiment of opening a portal himself and inviting us through. He had a relationship with a deer spirit, and through that relationship had been provided a place to go and meditate that was something like the deep forest. He opened the portal. I felt the energy of his working; I felt the threshold of the portal. Upon passing through though, there was nothing for me at first. However, I took some practices that I'd learned in previous TC clans; I started shutting down my primary senses - starting with vision, then hearing. Once my vision and hearing were off-line, I smelled deer. If you have ever been around deer, they have a very distinctive musk; for a moment, it filled my nose. It was surprising enough that it broke my concentration; still I was pleased to have gotten that much out of it.
On Saturday night, I got to go to the trance dance. This was actually my first time participating in the dance. My three previous clans had support duties on Saturday night, including acting as spotters for the trance dance my last time at Twilight. This time, my clan didn't have any particular duties for Saturday night, so I was free to go. One of my clan mates came along; it was her first TC and thus far, I'd been impressed with her questions, openness and interest. However, trance dancing is hard stuff, especially out doors on a somewhat chilly night. The dance was for 90 minutes, round about, which is a good long time to be doing it. I didn't know if I would make it either.
For the first long bit of the dance, there as pretty much nothing surprising. The trance dance is done with your eyes closed, holding hands with the person on your left and right, in a big circle. You take a step to the right, bring your feet together, and then take another step to the right - not complex at all. There is a breathing pattern that you also maintain that has five parts, each with a different sound (hiss like a snake, blow like the wind, shhhh like a librarian, haaaa without clearly vocalizing and queue, once again, just the breath, not the vocalizing). For the first long while, I just kept trying to remember which breath I was on, and making sure that I wasn't stepping on anyone. This seemed to go on for quite a long while. I did start to get disoriented. At some points, it felt like the circle had become completely inverted, that I was facing out, rather than into the circle. At other points, it seemed like the drummer must be moving around, or like the drummer had gotten into the middle of the circle instead of being outside of it. Eventually, the trance state kicked it. I lost track of the fact that I was moving or breathing; whenever it occurred to me that I might not being doing it, I could touch base with my body and, yep, it was on autopilot. Sometimes, I had no sense that I was holding anyone's hands. At one point, I was sure I wasn't moving. Later, I was sure that there was no me, that there was only the circle, that all of us in the circle made up the body of all. I had a vision of flying, dancing snake with diamond scales that caught the light of near-by fires. I saw a rainbow pool, where different bands of color rippled out from the center, and dark figures, possibly otters or some other sort of long swimming mammal, played in this pool. When the drum beat stopped, I couldn't remember any time before the circle; the circle had always been and I had always been part of it. Also, when we stopped, neon bright circles of light which had been dancing in my closed eyes suddenly froze and then slowly melted, sliding down out of view.
I discovered that my clan mate had made the whole of the trance dance as well. The circle was down to about half its original size (it had been a huge circle to start with, maybe 40 people, possibly more. I felt extremely pleased, full of bright, flashing energy, and ready for more. I headed over to walk the labyrinth.
The labyrinth is another routine feature of Saturday night at Twilight. One of the clans has the task of putting it together. There were some people in it when I got there, but it was not crowded in any sense. As I walked it, I was also spiraling down in my energy levels, relaxing post the trance experience. It settled into me, and various visions from it kept surging back. At three points in my walk in the labyrinth, I was suddenly crying. When I looked into this, each time it was related to jasra; I was having a beautiful experience, and I was wishing that she was there to experience it too. I could feel her in me, and I knew in some way, I was sharing this experience with her, even though she was far away (she couldn't come this year).
Later in the weekend, I would come down and see the labyrinth. In the day light, it only seemed to be half as big as the one I had walked during the night. I did some careful looking to verify that it was actually the same labyrinth, yet it was. My perceptions were just extremely altered, post-trance-dance.
On Sunday, in Clan, we worked together on creating magical objects. jasra had given me a spiral amulet to replace the one I had shattered a couple months back. I hadn't done any work on it before then, so it was clean of anything to block an enchantment. I devised a spell that would have it activate when ill will or hatred or anger was present about me, and would convert it to creative energy that would feed into me. I felt pretty good about this working. I had to move off a bit from my clan to actually do it, as they were in a particularly chatty time. The working seemed to go very well. When I put the amulet back on after enchanting it, I could feel the jolt of it connecting with me and then the turning of the energy within. I was pleased.
Later, at lunch time, we were directed to try to assist in healing for those who might have been injured during their time at Twilight, those who were looking for reinforcement to carry them through the long night of ritual that happens on Sunday night (it is reasonably physically challenging), or folks who were just interested in the work. omly found me, and she was having some yoga-induced hamstring pains. I devised a spell, which seemed like it matched the need. However, the actual working of the spell felt a little sloppy to me; once again, the drawing the power, and the sealing the power worked just fine, I was just weak in the focus part. Even so, I was feeling my skill growing, and growing in confidence regarding handling the magic in this way. Sure, it was still years away from the level of comfort that I have with my regular practice - but that only makes sense.
Later in the day, I actually got to work healing magic again on another Twilight person, whom happened to be someone that I had connections with back in Boston, albeit undeveloped connections. We shared all kinds of friends, but hadn't really ever interacted before. The spell I did on her felt the strongest of all my work for my entire time at Twilight. The working came to me quickly; I was able to readily visualize the various runes, and I felt the energy properly flow. That said, there were some additional complexities in her energy field that were in the area she was seeking to have healed. So, once I closed up the rune magic, I fell back to my own work to unlock some bound-up intentions in that area of her back. That also seemed to just click in the right way and I felt very good about that as well. Afterwards, we got to talking about spiritual work, our backgrounds and experiences. She expressed an interest in having me do sigils on her later, after Twilight. We exchanged info.
Sunday night is the big event of the weekend, referred to as the visioning ritual. Historically, this was where the biggest bang was going to occur for me during the weekend. In the past, I had so much releasing going on that I would have a hard time walking and seeing at some points. In any case, this was apparently not the year for that kind of in-your-face-obvious catharsis. The ritual was well set up, and apt - fitting very nicely with experiences within my own life. It was also a great metaphor, and has certainly helped me self-reflect thereafter upon my own choices, and what I'm seeking. That said, I guess I'm a catharsis junkie or something. Some part of me really wants my shell cracked so that I have deal with it. There's probably a lesson in there for me.
One of the things that was particularly different for me this year was that I was chosen to be one of the sighted guides for the start of the ritual. Generally, everyone is blindfolded and lead off to the area of where the events within the ritual begin. Historically for me, this blindfolded time has been a striking and mind-altering experience that really prepared me for the events thereafter. That said, leading the rope of blindfolded folks was, once again, a good reflection point for me. I'd been briefed at lunch about what was involved, however, I still didn't know exactly what to expect. I was given a red ribbon that id'ed me as someone who was going to be a sighted guide, so that the folks leading the ritual would know at the beginning. We all were the first to stand up when the time of the ritual came, and then we were sent out as a pair for each group. When I got up there, I was told that I was going to be on the tail end, then I was told that I was going to be on the lead, once the clan leader who was setting up my group identified who I was on her paper. I was given the rope, the whole group was standing there, with their blindfolds on, and then she went back inside. I'd been instructed at the mid-day how to set up people on the rope, so after a few moments waiting, I figured that this was my cue. I stared spacing the blindfolded people along the rope, one between each knot on the rope, and staggered, one on one side, then one on the other, so that it would reduce them tripping on each other. I got about 6 people on the rope when the clan leader came back and was "No, no, no" and undid my work. She gave me the rope and sent me over in one direction, and gave the other end of the rope to the other sighted guide. However, the direction she had put me in was on the opposite end from the direction we were going in. Both me and the other sighted guide figured this out at about the same moment, so we silently switched ends (there were already people on the rope at this point). The only down side - the proper lead of the rope had a loop; due to our swithc, my end didn't have a loop. I twisted the rope around my hand, and the clan leader came over to give me directions (the short version of which was "follow the glow-sticks on the ground"); seemed pretty simple - I stared leading.
Now, in my day to day life, I am often in leadership roles, and this experience struck me as being a very good example of what being a leader is like, in the following ways.
* Technically, I'd been told the way by a higher authority, but I'd never actually been this way, and the way was dark and a bit confusing, so some of the time I was just making educated guesses.
* The folks behind me (I know from personal experience) were thinking that I knew what was going on and I was going to lead them the correct way because I certainly must know what's going to happen.
* I had to go very slowly so that folks could keep up and not trip on the path or each other. I had expected to go slow, but this was super, super slow.
* Some of the followers were clearly fine just following; others were clearly nervous and untrusting. Some were actually trying to pass folks ahead of them, while holding onto the rope. Other folks were dragging the whole group down and risking pulling us into the trees.
Yeah, that pretty much sounds like all leadership experiences I've ever had.
It made me reflect upon whether leadership was what I really wanted to do in my life; however, there was so much satisfaction in successfully leading my team to the other end that by the time it was done, it was pretty clear to me that this was certainly an aspect of life to which I was going to be attracted again and again.
The leading done, we got on to the ritual. The stations of the ritual, the whole thing basically broke down as such:
First off, it was in the woods at night, like these things always are. That said, they do an amazing job lighting up the way with glow sticks and LEDs. Even so, it seems to me that they make these trails progressively more difficult each year. I am an avid hiker, and even I found some parts tricky to navigate. They were pretty clear in advance that this was a hard trail, and they had an alternate ritual for those who were concerned about being able to handle the physical aspect of the experience. I know many folks availed themselves of that option.
There were 7 primary stations; the first was a circle around a fire; the second was a spirit by the beach; the third was a group of three beings engaged in ritualized motion around a group of candles; the forth was questions asked from voices in the woods; the fifth was a pair of beings near a stream; the sixth was a candle lit labyrinth; the seventh was a seated being next to a surface with a spiral pattern set into it. Once you went through each of these, you looped back to the first one. The loop - that was a new one on me. When I got back to the first station again, I was almost positive that I'd gone the wrong way; however, listening to the spirit there, it was pretty clear that this was part of the point of this ritual. Ultimately, I made it to that fire three times (my initial visit and twice more).
Before the whole ritual started, we had been asked to write a question down on a piece of paper, something to which we were hoping to find an answer or to simply contemplate while engaged in this ritual. At that first fire, we were immediately instructed to burn our question, and write a new one. This happened each time that I arrived at the fire circle. Thus, I had my initial question ("What path should I follow to find satisfaction and comfort in my life?"), my second question ("How do I light the way to my heart? How to I let others find me?" - yeah, a double question, but the meaning was the same; I just wanted to clarify on my flowery language), my third question ("Why am I here doing this? Is this still helping me to discover myself?"), and my final question, which didn't end up getting burned ("Am I just a part of the shattered whole, or is the whole still one? Are we all still together, and do I just need to wake up to remember?") As you can see, by the last question, my mind was in a very curious place, similar to where the trance dance had taken me.
When I first discovered the whole thing was a loop, I whispered "Ok, I get it; let me off the ride now." The metaphor was striking a little too close to home with me. However, I kept working on it; the second time through, I took more time at each station, considering what each had to offer more.
I only got particularly emotional twice. Once was by the stream. There, I had been directed to pause and listen to what the stream had to tell me. Within myself, I heard it speaking of the fact that I was throwing sparks upon damp ashes; there was going to be no fire there, and I should seek a new place to try to start something. Also, the water told me that my hands were burned from holding the fire so much without any stops to heal and recover. It showed me images of my hands in the water, and the burned flesh being soothed and healed. I gritted my teeth; I could hear this message from the water, but I didn't want to hear it. That said, I nodded; I got it; the water was right. Sometimes, it is.
Later, on my second visit to the labyrinth station, when I was exiting, there was a spirit being there that asked "Did you find the answer to your question? Why did you ask that question?" In this case, my question was about the path to my heart. My answers to the spirit were "No" and "That's a good question", yet, I knew why I was asking that. As is often that case in my life, I was seeking a way to be more knowable and have deeper connections with others, to get through the armor that I feel keeps me from accepting from others, and makes them think that I am aloof and distant (I'm super good at giving, but I am just about no good at receiving, which makes for unbalanced relationships). At the time, I wasn't feeling like I'd gotten any closer to the answer. However, by the end of the weekend, I was feeling much more like I was open, like there was light shining out of me, and that others were seeing it and feeling welcome. I was sharing, and others were sharing with me. So, even though this visioning ritual wasn't one of those crack my head open and let the rainbows pour in experiences, it clearly had an effect.
When the ritual ended and we got back to the dining hall to wait for others to finish, I noticed an
omly-like figure siting on the ground. It was pretty dark, but the shape and body motions looked very much like her. I didn't want to be wrong and frighten someone so I moved to sit on an open bench near by. I was wearing cat ears, which were pretty noticeable, even in the dim moonlight. It turned out that it was
omly, and she scooted over to be near me and get head pettings.
When the time to go into the dining hall came, I was given a tarot card. I got the Page of Wands, a pretty promising card for me. The rest of the evening was chatting with my clan mates about how many times we went through the loop, and hearing about folks who had been brought into a different loop, with different figures from what we'd seen. Thereafter, I was off to bed, and I slept well, despite the fact that lights and sigils were rolling across my vision all of the time.
The final day was pretty low key. We had some clan time, but it was mostly car packing time. We did do attunements on each other (the initial attunements had been done by the clan leader). All of us seemed to be much more confident at this point in time, even though we were missing some parts, and being a bit giggly in others. When it was my turn to be attuned, I noticed that the feeling seemed like the runes were going into me, but they were getting stuck around my throat area. The clan leader noticed that I was holding my own hands. She'd mentioned earlier in the weekend that you needed to keep your hands apart during the attunement. I was defending myself automatically. I had even been crossing my ankles. I let go of my hands, uncrossed my ankles, and we continued; that went much better, even better than my initial attunement at the start of the weekend. Odds are, this was because I was open and ready for it.
There is a big final circle where all the clans give a little demo of the kind of stuff they worked on over the weekend, or show something about the nature of their clan. These are brief things, 2 minutes tops - usually much shorter. My clan gathered in the circle of all and then we cast, essentially, a travel blessing on everyone, hopefully to get them safely home. Collectively, we did good, and I could feel the energy doing its work. For myself, it wasn't my best work. I felt a bit stumbly doing it and my own energy was only loosely focused. Even so, I think I generally got the power across to the group.
As is typical, thereafter was some singing, and then a bunch of goodbyes. I didn't cry; usually I cry, but I just wasn't feeling the happy-sad I usually feel at the end of TC. I was happy, certainly; I felt like I'd gotten many things out of the weekend, and that I'd made some new friends. However, it wasn't all fireworks and rainbows either.
The mistake I made post-TC was not having at least the next day off at work. It turned out that I had unpacked my mind at TC; repacking your mind takes time - it's not the kind of thing you do over one fairly busy night. Also, the next day at work was crazy, super-crazy, as in busier than any time since I'd gotten this job several years back. I felt both full of energy and frazzled. I felt connected to everything, yet like I was floating away. I knew from previous years that a couple days off was a good idea. Hopefully, the next time I go on a spiritual retreat, I'll be able to have more time thereafter for post-care.
If you aren't interested in my crazy long post about my spiritual weekend away, note how I put the whole thing under a cut tag? As such, you don't have to waste valuable seconds using the scrolly wheel, or hitting the page down button; as typical, I live to give. Or some such.
Fortunately, I did a pretty good job paper journaling this time, which means that I can just dump some of that directly into here. That said, I already know that some of the aspects of the experience have slipped away from me.
The trip out to TC went as smooth as anything; no traffic, perfect weather, and we (
omly and I) arrived about 10 minutes after the earliest possible time to arrive. As soon as I arrived, I started feeling giddy and light headed, and that wasn't just because it was nearly dinner time. The anticipation was high, especially since I'd skipped last year (in favor of a trip to the Grand Canyon). There were some familiar faces early on, which was comforting. When I got to the room sign up table, it became apparent that my clan DID have clan housing - this was optional, but it hadn't be mentioned before to my recall. I had already paid for staying in the heated space, but if some of my clan were going to be staying in the same cabin, I wanted in on that. In my experience, it dramatically increases the level of depth and connection that gets made during that time. I'm glad I made that choice. It paid off well. The person at the desk told me that we'd have to work out some way to get me a refund, and I told her to just dump that over into the scholarship fund.
The clan leader happened to be at the clan table when I went over to drop off my decorations for the table (a black witch-cat with a broom, and a very pet-able kitten). We had a brief chat, and then I was off to set up my bunk.
I was staying in the cabin labelled Sioux (which will mean something for folks whom have been). The clan leader had clearly arrived before me, and some of her stuff was there; there were a few other items indicating that some other folks had dropped some things off. I got the bunk nearest to the door, which also had a power outlet behind it. That was awesome for me, since I like to have a fan running when I sleep (yeah, even when it is very cold); the sound helps me sleep, as does the flow of air. Additionally, since it was close to my head, it really covered up all noises, which is handy when you have folks who snore sleeping in the same room as you.
My clan mates started arriving and the energy with them felt very positive right off the bat; the woman who bunked nearest to me had a personality much like my friends back home, had a radiant energy, and was a quick wit besides. We got along famously for the whole weekend, and it was good to make such a great connection right away. Mind you, she was only the first of many great clan connections I made, but finding this so early on was also a comfort.
My clan was Forest Cat; the gist of the clan, on the most basic level, is that it uses traditional runes, plus some very recently developed symbols, which are visualized in a specific series, along with hand gestures and sounds, to work magic. It was not a divination clan, which was a bit confusing for at least one of my clan mates. It was close to Reiki in many ways; in fact, the man who developed this system of work was inspired by Reiki. However, unlike Reiki, this was not exclusively about healing or the body. This was pretty much a full-on range of magical options. You could certainly heal with that - which was the bulk of our focus for the weekend. You could also create magical objects, create wards, inject a spirit into an object, awaken a familiar, etc, etc. Given the range of runes and symbols, there was a lot of potential in this magic.
Now, in advance of this, I had pretty much NO rune experience. I mean, like anyone who does anything spiritual for long, I've run across a bag of runes in a spiritual shop, or seen ones that friends have had. I've seen their use in fiction, and have observed some folks using them as a divination tool. That said, I didn't have any particular draw to them. On the other hand, my clan choices tend to be made by me to force me to try things beyond my normal range of experience or even beyond my comfort level. Thus, this clan was on my list.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with TC, you basically are doing one of three things when you are there. Either, you are in clan time, where you are working with the clan leader and the folks in that same clan on whatever the particular focus of your clan is, or you are in community event time, where some spiritual activity is going on to which the whole community is invited, or it is time for food. Food time can, after a fashion, be considered clan time too, since you sit at your clan table. However, the discussion there tends to be more free form; also people get up, wander around, greet their friends, and such.
On the first night of TC, there is the releasing fire. This is an event held down by the water, around a group of fires. The idea is to bring something that you want to release to free you for the work of the weekend. In the past, this ritual had been a very powerful experience for me, sometimes painfully so, but it really got me ready for the weekend. In preparation, I got some sheets of colored paper and I just poured out all of my fears and distractions and doubts - everything that seemed like it was clouding my mind. That took three sheets of paper. As such, you might think that would mean that the fires were going to be an extra big deal of me. Yet, this visit was probably one of the cleanest I'd ever had. I kept myself in the loop around the first and second fire for longer than I felt I wanted, to be certain that I was giving myself enough time to release. However, the releasing just went, no problems, no crying, no struggling. I felt relaxed, and those fears and concerns burned away as easily as that paper. I sat for a while afterwards, wondering if I was holding back (sometimes I am crafty in that way), but I had no sense of resistance or struggle. I even taunted myself a bit to see if I would rise to any of my fears. Everything just seemed to be not a bother at all, and I felt at ease. I wasn't sure what that boded for the weekend.
Day 2, we started in on the runes. Some of my clan mates had a pretty good knowledge of runes and their meanings in advance of this clan meeting. One of my clan mates was similar to me in that she had virtually no rune experience; however, she had significantly less spiritual work experience too. Initially, it seemed like the whole subject of the clan might not be something she was interested in, based on her reactions. However, she gradually started coming into the experience. One of the things that she was struggling with in particular was a lack of the sense of the magic being worked. While many of us could feel it when the runes were being worked, she had no sense of it at all. This made her concerned; I felt like the clan leader did a pretty good job of letting her know that this was how it was for many folks, and that her own experience had been the same for many years.
While I could certainly feel the power in the working, I was having a hard time managing it myself because there was a lot of memorizing the shapes and sounds of the runes involved. Spell craft required that you had a grasp of what each of the runes did. Whenever I was trying to put something together, I would end up having to skim through practically the entire list of each rune and symbol, make a bunch of notes, reconsider that, go over that again, and then finally settle on it. Then, when I was working the magic, I'd have to consult my spell write-up while casting. I'm used to my own intuitive and spirit-guided work, so this was very new for me. I felt clunky and slow. That said, I knew that this is how it is at the beginning of anything new.
Part of the confusion was in the fact that the runes have several different pronunciations, and the instructor (and my fellow clan mates who knew runes) would bounce around among them, sometimes using two different versions in the same sentence. For those trying to follow along on paper, this made it seem much more confusing than it turned out to ultimately be.
The magic had another concept called Attunement which other types of spiritualism and Reiki use. The gist of the idea is that someone can load short-cuts into your mind that allow you to more quickly access the power that you seek to manipulate. This is done in a ritual in which the instructor preps you and then, via energy, puts each rune and symbol into you. Once this is done, you have ready access to them. However, only with practice can you understand why and when to use these shortcuts.
When I mulled this concept around in my mind, and slept upon it, my mind gave me a different answer. The Attunement process isn't actually putting anything into you. It is just a process to light up something that is already there. It is kind of like someone leading you to the control room of your mind and pointing at the panel of buttons. You now know where the buttons are, and what they look like. However, only with study will you actually know what the buttons do and when you should use them.
In order for me to be attuned, I had to remove my necklace, my ring, and my own natural defenses. I wanted to open to the experience. On the other hand, I felt frightened that this would change me in some undesirable way. Especially I was concerned that it would be used as a method to control me somehow - like a magical version of a computer virus planted into my mind. However, when I sat with it, and consulted with that which guides me, I saw the fear was just that, fear of the unknown; my guides had various thoughts but none of them were concerned. The range was "Amused" to "Curious", but nothing negative. Thus, I went on with it.
There was an altered time state while I was being attuned. I felt like it went on for about 15 minutes, even though I know it actually only took 3 to 4 minutes. The runes and symbols were all written on a poster board before me; while the attunement was going on, they shifted and danced in my vision. For the remainder of the weekend, I would see them dancing behind my eyes, mixing and swirling with the run-of-the-mill hallucinations and sigils that I'm normally seeing. Even now, as I type this, I can still see them in some parts of my vision. Thus, there was certainly something to the attunment process. When it was done, I had a sense that some things had settled down within me into some proper place; however, others seemed to be in there but unsettled. It was as if they had technically gotten into me, but had landed at the wrong angle to fit into place somehow. I felt strangely full for a bit. However, this settled down over the next 30 minutes or so.
We did some practice magic among ourselves. I felt so awkward with the magic that I barely felt a sense of the motion of power at all. I did get the sense of summoning power, and of turning the power off, but I didn't have enough sense yet of the runes to make the middle pieces work at first. Later in the weekend, that would come.
One of the unexpected uses of the runes was for opening and closing portals for the purpose of energy-state change. Basically, you could visualize a place that contained some feeling that you wanted to be surrounded by; say, for example, you were in a crowded office, and you wanted a moment of mental peace. You could open a portal while focusing on this peaceful place, then step through, and find yourself basked in these feelings of safety and relaxation - though you haven't moved at all in terms of the locale of your physical body. It was theorically interesting to me, and was something that I'd achieved via other methods, but I always am interested in exploring new tools. One of my clan mates, feeling pretty confident in his abilities early on, wanted to try an experiment of opening a portal himself and inviting us through. He had a relationship with a deer spirit, and through that relationship had been provided a place to go and meditate that was something like the deep forest. He opened the portal. I felt the energy of his working; I felt the threshold of the portal. Upon passing through though, there was nothing for me at first. However, I took some practices that I'd learned in previous TC clans; I started shutting down my primary senses - starting with vision, then hearing. Once my vision and hearing were off-line, I smelled deer. If you have ever been around deer, they have a very distinctive musk; for a moment, it filled my nose. It was surprising enough that it broke my concentration; still I was pleased to have gotten that much out of it.
On Saturday night, I got to go to the trance dance. This was actually my first time participating in the dance. My three previous clans had support duties on Saturday night, including acting as spotters for the trance dance my last time at Twilight. This time, my clan didn't have any particular duties for Saturday night, so I was free to go. One of my clan mates came along; it was her first TC and thus far, I'd been impressed with her questions, openness and interest. However, trance dancing is hard stuff, especially out doors on a somewhat chilly night. The dance was for 90 minutes, round about, which is a good long time to be doing it. I didn't know if I would make it either.
For the first long bit of the dance, there as pretty much nothing surprising. The trance dance is done with your eyes closed, holding hands with the person on your left and right, in a big circle. You take a step to the right, bring your feet together, and then take another step to the right - not complex at all. There is a breathing pattern that you also maintain that has five parts, each with a different sound (hiss like a snake, blow like the wind, shhhh like a librarian, haaaa without clearly vocalizing and queue, once again, just the breath, not the vocalizing). For the first long while, I just kept trying to remember which breath I was on, and making sure that I wasn't stepping on anyone. This seemed to go on for quite a long while. I did start to get disoriented. At some points, it felt like the circle had become completely inverted, that I was facing out, rather than into the circle. At other points, it seemed like the drummer must be moving around, or like the drummer had gotten into the middle of the circle instead of being outside of it. Eventually, the trance state kicked it. I lost track of the fact that I was moving or breathing; whenever it occurred to me that I might not being doing it, I could touch base with my body and, yep, it was on autopilot. Sometimes, I had no sense that I was holding anyone's hands. At one point, I was sure I wasn't moving. Later, I was sure that there was no me, that there was only the circle, that all of us in the circle made up the body of all. I had a vision of flying, dancing snake with diamond scales that caught the light of near-by fires. I saw a rainbow pool, where different bands of color rippled out from the center, and dark figures, possibly otters or some other sort of long swimming mammal, played in this pool. When the drum beat stopped, I couldn't remember any time before the circle; the circle had always been and I had always been part of it. Also, when we stopped, neon bright circles of light which had been dancing in my closed eyes suddenly froze and then slowly melted, sliding down out of view.
I discovered that my clan mate had made the whole of the trance dance as well. The circle was down to about half its original size (it had been a huge circle to start with, maybe 40 people, possibly more. I felt extremely pleased, full of bright, flashing energy, and ready for more. I headed over to walk the labyrinth.
The labyrinth is another routine feature of Saturday night at Twilight. One of the clans has the task of putting it together. There were some people in it when I got there, but it was not crowded in any sense. As I walked it, I was also spiraling down in my energy levels, relaxing post the trance experience. It settled into me, and various visions from it kept surging back. At three points in my walk in the labyrinth, I was suddenly crying. When I looked into this, each time it was related to jasra; I was having a beautiful experience, and I was wishing that she was there to experience it too. I could feel her in me, and I knew in some way, I was sharing this experience with her, even though she was far away (she couldn't come this year).
Later in the weekend, I would come down and see the labyrinth. In the day light, it only seemed to be half as big as the one I had walked during the night. I did some careful looking to verify that it was actually the same labyrinth, yet it was. My perceptions were just extremely altered, post-trance-dance.
On Sunday, in Clan, we worked together on creating magical objects. jasra had given me a spiral amulet to replace the one I had shattered a couple months back. I hadn't done any work on it before then, so it was clean of anything to block an enchantment. I devised a spell that would have it activate when ill will or hatred or anger was present about me, and would convert it to creative energy that would feed into me. I felt pretty good about this working. I had to move off a bit from my clan to actually do it, as they were in a particularly chatty time. The working seemed to go very well. When I put the amulet back on after enchanting it, I could feel the jolt of it connecting with me and then the turning of the energy within. I was pleased.
Later, at lunch time, we were directed to try to assist in healing for those who might have been injured during their time at Twilight, those who were looking for reinforcement to carry them through the long night of ritual that happens on Sunday night (it is reasonably physically challenging), or folks who were just interested in the work. omly found me, and she was having some yoga-induced hamstring pains. I devised a spell, which seemed like it matched the need. However, the actual working of the spell felt a little sloppy to me; once again, the drawing the power, and the sealing the power worked just fine, I was just weak in the focus part. Even so, I was feeling my skill growing, and growing in confidence regarding handling the magic in this way. Sure, it was still years away from the level of comfort that I have with my regular practice - but that only makes sense.
Later in the day, I actually got to work healing magic again on another Twilight person, whom happened to be someone that I had connections with back in Boston, albeit undeveloped connections. We shared all kinds of friends, but hadn't really ever interacted before. The spell I did on her felt the strongest of all my work for my entire time at Twilight. The working came to me quickly; I was able to readily visualize the various runes, and I felt the energy properly flow. That said, there were some additional complexities in her energy field that were in the area she was seeking to have healed. So, once I closed up the rune magic, I fell back to my own work to unlock some bound-up intentions in that area of her back. That also seemed to just click in the right way and I felt very good about that as well. Afterwards, we got to talking about spiritual work, our backgrounds and experiences. She expressed an interest in having me do sigils on her later, after Twilight. We exchanged info.
Sunday night is the big event of the weekend, referred to as the visioning ritual. Historically, this was where the biggest bang was going to occur for me during the weekend. In the past, I had so much releasing going on that I would have a hard time walking and seeing at some points. In any case, this was apparently not the year for that kind of in-your-face-obvious catharsis. The ritual was well set up, and apt - fitting very nicely with experiences within my own life. It was also a great metaphor, and has certainly helped me self-reflect thereafter upon my own choices, and what I'm seeking. That said, I guess I'm a catharsis junkie or something. Some part of me really wants my shell cracked so that I have deal with it. There's probably a lesson in there for me.
One of the things that was particularly different for me this year was that I was chosen to be one of the sighted guides for the start of the ritual. Generally, everyone is blindfolded and lead off to the area of where the events within the ritual begin. Historically for me, this blindfolded time has been a striking and mind-altering experience that really prepared me for the events thereafter. That said, leading the rope of blindfolded folks was, once again, a good reflection point for me. I'd been briefed at lunch about what was involved, however, I still didn't know exactly what to expect. I was given a red ribbon that id'ed me as someone who was going to be a sighted guide, so that the folks leading the ritual would know at the beginning. We all were the first to stand up when the time of the ritual came, and then we were sent out as a pair for each group. When I got up there, I was told that I was going to be on the tail end, then I was told that I was going to be on the lead, once the clan leader who was setting up my group identified who I was on her paper. I was given the rope, the whole group was standing there, with their blindfolds on, and then she went back inside. I'd been instructed at the mid-day how to set up people on the rope, so after a few moments waiting, I figured that this was my cue. I stared spacing the blindfolded people along the rope, one between each knot on the rope, and staggered, one on one side, then one on the other, so that it would reduce them tripping on each other. I got about 6 people on the rope when the clan leader came back and was "No, no, no" and undid my work. She gave me the rope and sent me over in one direction, and gave the other end of the rope to the other sighted guide. However, the direction she had put me in was on the opposite end from the direction we were going in. Both me and the other sighted guide figured this out at about the same moment, so we silently switched ends (there were already people on the rope at this point). The only down side - the proper lead of the rope had a loop; due to our swithc, my end didn't have a loop. I twisted the rope around my hand, and the clan leader came over to give me directions (the short version of which was "follow the glow-sticks on the ground"); seemed pretty simple - I stared leading.
Now, in my day to day life, I am often in leadership roles, and this experience struck me as being a very good example of what being a leader is like, in the following ways.
* Technically, I'd been told the way by a higher authority, but I'd never actually been this way, and the way was dark and a bit confusing, so some of the time I was just making educated guesses.
* The folks behind me (I know from personal experience) were thinking that I knew what was going on and I was going to lead them the correct way because I certainly must know what's going to happen.
* I had to go very slowly so that folks could keep up and not trip on the path or each other. I had expected to go slow, but this was super, super slow.
* Some of the followers were clearly fine just following; others were clearly nervous and untrusting. Some were actually trying to pass folks ahead of them, while holding onto the rope. Other folks were dragging the whole group down and risking pulling us into the trees.
Yeah, that pretty much sounds like all leadership experiences I've ever had.
It made me reflect upon whether leadership was what I really wanted to do in my life; however, there was so much satisfaction in successfully leading my team to the other end that by the time it was done, it was pretty clear to me that this was certainly an aspect of life to which I was going to be attracted again and again.
The leading done, we got on to the ritual. The stations of the ritual, the whole thing basically broke down as such:
First off, it was in the woods at night, like these things always are. That said, they do an amazing job lighting up the way with glow sticks and LEDs. Even so, it seems to me that they make these trails progressively more difficult each year. I am an avid hiker, and even I found some parts tricky to navigate. They were pretty clear in advance that this was a hard trail, and they had an alternate ritual for those who were concerned about being able to handle the physical aspect of the experience. I know many folks availed themselves of that option.
There were 7 primary stations; the first was a circle around a fire; the second was a spirit by the beach; the third was a group of three beings engaged in ritualized motion around a group of candles; the forth was questions asked from voices in the woods; the fifth was a pair of beings near a stream; the sixth was a candle lit labyrinth; the seventh was a seated being next to a surface with a spiral pattern set into it. Once you went through each of these, you looped back to the first one. The loop - that was a new one on me. When I got back to the first station again, I was almost positive that I'd gone the wrong way; however, listening to the spirit there, it was pretty clear that this was part of the point of this ritual. Ultimately, I made it to that fire three times (my initial visit and twice more).
Before the whole ritual started, we had been asked to write a question down on a piece of paper, something to which we were hoping to find an answer or to simply contemplate while engaged in this ritual. At that first fire, we were immediately instructed to burn our question, and write a new one. This happened each time that I arrived at the fire circle. Thus, I had my initial question ("What path should I follow to find satisfaction and comfort in my life?"), my second question ("How do I light the way to my heart? How to I let others find me?" - yeah, a double question, but the meaning was the same; I just wanted to clarify on my flowery language), my third question ("Why am I here doing this? Is this still helping me to discover myself?"), and my final question, which didn't end up getting burned ("Am I just a part of the shattered whole, or is the whole still one? Are we all still together, and do I just need to wake up to remember?") As you can see, by the last question, my mind was in a very curious place, similar to where the trance dance had taken me.
When I first discovered the whole thing was a loop, I whispered "Ok, I get it; let me off the ride now." The metaphor was striking a little too close to home with me. However, I kept working on it; the second time through, I took more time at each station, considering what each had to offer more.
I only got particularly emotional twice. Once was by the stream. There, I had been directed to pause and listen to what the stream had to tell me. Within myself, I heard it speaking of the fact that I was throwing sparks upon damp ashes; there was going to be no fire there, and I should seek a new place to try to start something. Also, the water told me that my hands were burned from holding the fire so much without any stops to heal and recover. It showed me images of my hands in the water, and the burned flesh being soothed and healed. I gritted my teeth; I could hear this message from the water, but I didn't want to hear it. That said, I nodded; I got it; the water was right. Sometimes, it is.
Later, on my second visit to the labyrinth station, when I was exiting, there was a spirit being there that asked "Did you find the answer to your question? Why did you ask that question?" In this case, my question was about the path to my heart. My answers to the spirit were "No" and "That's a good question", yet, I knew why I was asking that. As is often that case in my life, I was seeking a way to be more knowable and have deeper connections with others, to get through the armor that I feel keeps me from accepting from others, and makes them think that I am aloof and distant (I'm super good at giving, but I am just about no good at receiving, which makes for unbalanced relationships). At the time, I wasn't feeling like I'd gotten any closer to the answer. However, by the end of the weekend, I was feeling much more like I was open, like there was light shining out of me, and that others were seeing it and feeling welcome. I was sharing, and others were sharing with me. So, even though this visioning ritual wasn't one of those crack my head open and let the rainbows pour in experiences, it clearly had an effect.
When the ritual ended and we got back to the dining hall to wait for others to finish, I noticed an
omly-like figure siting on the ground. It was pretty dark, but the shape and body motions looked very much like her. I didn't want to be wrong and frighten someone so I moved to sit on an open bench near by. I was wearing cat ears, which were pretty noticeable, even in the dim moonlight. It turned out that it was
omly, and she scooted over to be near me and get head pettings.
When the time to go into the dining hall came, I was given a tarot card. I got the Page of Wands, a pretty promising card for me. The rest of the evening was chatting with my clan mates about how many times we went through the loop, and hearing about folks who had been brought into a different loop, with different figures from what we'd seen. Thereafter, I was off to bed, and I slept well, despite the fact that lights and sigils were rolling across my vision all of the time.
The final day was pretty low key. We had some clan time, but it was mostly car packing time. We did do attunements on each other (the initial attunements had been done by the clan leader). All of us seemed to be much more confident at this point in time, even though we were missing some parts, and being a bit giggly in others. When it was my turn to be attuned, I noticed that the feeling seemed like the runes were going into me, but they were getting stuck around my throat area. The clan leader noticed that I was holding my own hands. She'd mentioned earlier in the weekend that you needed to keep your hands apart during the attunement. I was defending myself automatically. I had even been crossing my ankles. I let go of my hands, uncrossed my ankles, and we continued; that went much better, even better than my initial attunement at the start of the weekend. Odds are, this was because I was open and ready for it.
There is a big final circle where all the clans give a little demo of the kind of stuff they worked on over the weekend, or show something about the nature of their clan. These are brief things, 2 minutes tops - usually much shorter. My clan gathered in the circle of all and then we cast, essentially, a travel blessing on everyone, hopefully to get them safely home. Collectively, we did good, and I could feel the energy doing its work. For myself, it wasn't my best work. I felt a bit stumbly doing it and my own energy was only loosely focused. Even so, I think I generally got the power across to the group.
As is typical, thereafter was some singing, and then a bunch of goodbyes. I didn't cry; usually I cry, but I just wasn't feeling the happy-sad I usually feel at the end of TC. I was happy, certainly; I felt like I'd gotten many things out of the weekend, and that I'd made some new friends. However, it wasn't all fireworks and rainbows either.
The mistake I made post-TC was not having at least the next day off at work. It turned out that I had unpacked my mind at TC; repacking your mind takes time - it's not the kind of thing you do over one fairly busy night. Also, the next day at work was crazy, super-crazy, as in busier than any time since I'd gotten this job several years back. I felt both full of energy and frazzled. I felt connected to everything, yet like I was floating away. I knew from previous years that a couple days off was a good idea. Hopefully, the next time I go on a spiritual retreat, I'll be able to have more time thereafter for post-care.