She says she would love to come help but the sea would electrocute us all..
Today's been kinda like 'crappy mood' day. After 6am Black Friday shopping expeditions, ended up chillin at Clark's most of the day. Came home, hung out with Maddie, then for some reason, tried to stay awake longer, as if somehow that might proceed into later that night. Wishful thinkin, eh? So I guess around 8:30 or so I ended up fallin asleep, only to be woken up by Matt and Kel about an hour or two later. Matt was lookin for his scale, which ended up being at his house all along. Go figure. I think I slept til around 8:30 or so, woke up in a bad mood, then decided to just go back to sleep. Woke up two times after that, both times dreaming that I was still awake. Strange morning. Ended up waking for the day around 12, I guess...talked to Maddie about stuff, then left for Vineland with my mom. Looked at some cars, then drove back down to Home Depot and got a Christmas tree. Bleh. Then bad Arby's and some sittin. I dunno what I'm really feelin right now. Part anger, part disappointment, some frustration, possibly some lifelessness, all topped off with the slightest, sickening bit of satisfaction.
I think one of the best things in the world is my limited perspective. Limited in the sense that I've only got one mind, one set of eyes, one being to intake and analyze everything and everyone, myself included. I mean, low self-esteem is almost a blessing. Aside from being constantly miserable, that is. I look at myself and I'm usually disappointed, and I'm pretty much always able to justify it. If I'm right, then I'm going through my life exactly as I was meant to. If not, something is bound to prove me wrong, and I don't think there's really anything I'd rather be wrong about. The fact that I can't actually see myself through the mind of another is almost too good. I'm almost scared to see how I appear to others, because no one knows my mind. They know what I see fit to reveal and what cannot be hidden, the things I wish to stress and what I'd rather not say. They don't know who I am, who I really am in my mind, and I'm glad the judgment of others is unable to taint my interpretations. I mean, of course I use what I observe, actions and reactions of others towards myself and others, as an ever-growing filter in my head, but they are still my observations. I can't even believe how antisocial I've become since leaving high school. I walked home from cd exchange yesterday because I didn't want Tone to risk being late for work and I couldn't stop thinking about everyone around me and what their mind became when they saw me. I wondered if people noticed me and what they though. At one point I saw someone walking from the distance towards me and immediately began wondering how to present myself when we passed each other. What would I do with my hands? Where would I be looking? Should I be humming? What song would I hum? No, don't hum, you'll look like an idiot. Just walk. Put your hands in your pockets. Start noticing things. Gah. It was torture, plain and simple. The dumbest part is the person crossed the street about 30 feet away from me and I honestly felt relief. What the fuck is that? The mere idea that I was going to have to walk past a person on the street was enough to get me worked up. Something is seriously wrong with that.
I dunno how to make it in this world anymore. As I've said prolly about a hundred times before, something's gotta be done. My strength is waning, my drive is near-nil, and there is literally no motivation to speak of. I think..I need to sleep. No. I'm pretty sure I need to get stoned, then sleep. This day cannot end without some kind of relief. I'm driving myself crazy.
Ooh, I almost forgot. I finished The Rum Diary by Hunter S. Thompson today on the car ride with my mom. What a book that was. Seriously, that guy knows what he's writing and you feel it 100% through his story. It hit so damn close to home and I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of tears by the time it ended. Dont get me wrong, it wasn't really a "sad" story, just painfully real at time. I'm excited to indulge myself in another of his sometime soon. Or maybe I'll read Choke again. Any other suggestions would be highly appreciated as well.
Rows of houses all bearing down on me
I can feel their blue hands touching me
All these things into position
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out
This machine will not communicate
These thoughts and the strain I am under
Be a world child, form a circle
Before we all go under
And fade out again and fade out again
Cracked eggs, dead birds
Scream as they fight for life
I can feel death, can see it's beady eyes
All these things into position
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out again
Immerse your soul in love
Immerse your soul in love.
...yea, I think I've said my part.
I think one of the best things in the world is my limited perspective. Limited in the sense that I've only got one mind, one set of eyes, one being to intake and analyze everything and everyone, myself included. I mean, low self-esteem is almost a blessing. Aside from being constantly miserable, that is. I look at myself and I'm usually disappointed, and I'm pretty much always able to justify it. If I'm right, then I'm going through my life exactly as I was meant to. If not, something is bound to prove me wrong, and I don't think there's really anything I'd rather be wrong about. The fact that I can't actually see myself through the mind of another is almost too good. I'm almost scared to see how I appear to others, because no one knows my mind. They know what I see fit to reveal and what cannot be hidden, the things I wish to stress and what I'd rather not say. They don't know who I am, who I really am in my mind, and I'm glad the judgment of others is unable to taint my interpretations. I mean, of course I use what I observe, actions and reactions of others towards myself and others, as an ever-growing filter in my head, but they are still my observations. I can't even believe how antisocial I've become since leaving high school. I walked home from cd exchange yesterday because I didn't want Tone to risk being late for work and I couldn't stop thinking about everyone around me and what their mind became when they saw me. I wondered if people noticed me and what they though. At one point I saw someone walking from the distance towards me and immediately began wondering how to present myself when we passed each other. What would I do with my hands? Where would I be looking? Should I be humming? What song would I hum? No, don't hum, you'll look like an idiot. Just walk. Put your hands in your pockets. Start noticing things. Gah. It was torture, plain and simple. The dumbest part is the person crossed the street about 30 feet away from me and I honestly felt relief. What the fuck is that? The mere idea that I was going to have to walk past a person on the street was enough to get me worked up. Something is seriously wrong with that.
I dunno how to make it in this world anymore. As I've said prolly about a hundred times before, something's gotta be done. My strength is waning, my drive is near-nil, and there is literally no motivation to speak of. I think..I need to sleep. No. I'm pretty sure I need to get stoned, then sleep. This day cannot end without some kind of relief. I'm driving myself crazy.
Ooh, I almost forgot. I finished The Rum Diary by Hunter S. Thompson today on the car ride with my mom. What a book that was. Seriously, that guy knows what he's writing and you feel it 100% through his story. It hit so damn close to home and I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of tears by the time it ended. Dont get me wrong, it wasn't really a "sad" story, just painfully real at time. I'm excited to indulge myself in another of his sometime soon. Or maybe I'll read Choke again. Any other suggestions would be highly appreciated as well.
Rows of houses all bearing down on me
I can feel their blue hands touching me
All these things into position
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out
This machine will not communicate
These thoughts and the strain I am under
Be a world child, form a circle
Before we all go under
And fade out again and fade out again
Cracked eggs, dead birds
Scream as they fight for life
I can feel death, can see it's beady eyes
All these things into position
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out again
Immerse your soul in love
Immerse your soul in love.
...yea, I think I've said my part.