Her
The difficult part is not finding a topic to write about, it's finding words that adequately portray the tumult of emotions that are hiding inside. Wanting, waiting to come out. Each knowing that appearing might make the situations at hand worse. But still, they hope. When will she pick me? When will she show me to the world to show everyone that shes not perfect, she's not okay, she's not what other think she is. The emotions bottlyed up inside, wanting, wishing to be free. Anger. Depression. Lonlieness. Hatred. Confusion. She's so tired and worn out. Sonn the mask will fall. The mask that no one can see around. The self-assuredness that makes her seem to have not care is, in fact, nonexsistant. When will people realize that it's all fake? When will they realize that she's sinking, drowning into a world where the truth haunts her dreams? When? It's not that they're selfcentered. No. That's not the case at all. But they have problems too. Problems that they're not afraid to show. And why would they be? There's nothing to be afraid of. So why is she so scared? Why does she worry about what other people think? When will she finally be able to yell out and breakaway and show the world that shes not all that she seems to be?
She Hates Herself.
But why? She has no reason to. Shes beautiful, smart, funny, slow to anger, quick to forgive, everything anyone could want to be. But she can't believe that. Those are only one persons thoughts, one persons opinions.The rest, she doesnt know. Looking around the hallway she wonders to herself. What do they really think of her, when they look at her what do they say, how do they judge, wht are they hiding? She'll never know. Does she really want to? What if she finds out that all of fears are true and no one cares about her.
They Lie To Her.
She's so cold. She wants to curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. But then. Then. The dreams come, her real feelings surface to the top. She screams out in pain and agony. Tears start to fall. But no one is there. There's no one who cares. no one to find her huddled under her blanket. The real her. Naked. Exposed to the world.
She Hides Herself.
From everyone. Once there's no one there to hold her and comfort her she lets it all go. Everything comes flooding out of her eyes. She chokes. The flood will not stop, the dam can't hold. Why does she do this to herself relentlessly? Does she enjoy the pain? NO. The pain she cannot bear. Yet she still hides, claiming that everything is fine. It will always be fine. No matter how hard life gets, no matter the agony she is going through she will always cry when no one is watching, scream for help when no one can hear, want to die when no one can save her. In front of the rest of world she must be strong.
Weakness Is Not An Option.
She wonders when she will be able to die all the while knowing that she doesn't want to. As her true emotions remain hidden she goes about her day laughing, smiling. No one knows. If they start to see what's hidden she pushed them away. If she shows them whats hidden they leave. Never to return. Never to care. Not after what she told them. "I'm human, I hurt." They leave. They run. They lied. They said that they'd be there forever to help her through everything. Forever is a very short time. But then again, so many other things in life are short as well. Why should forever be an exception? Especially when she is involved. Everything must end. But if she wishes for people to stay then she must hide herself and not scare everyone away.
But Then Again...
Maybe she can scare everyone away. So when she cries endless tears and screams words for no one to hear there will never be the fear that someone is listening. There wont be the chance that someone will the remoce the mask or look under the blanket and see what's really going on. She would truly be alone. Would that really be any different from how she feels now? Lost and scared knowing that peiple care about her but at the same time, what her heart and head say are two totaly different things. She knows but she doesnt believe. Why is it that she finds it do easy to believe in a God who shes never seen, but she can't believe people who tell her how amazing she is. She can't believe that people love her.
People love her?
They say that they love her. But those are just words. Anyone could say that. It doesnt make it true. They dont show her in their actions. Words are just words. Proove it. But no. Then perhaps she'd be forced to actually see the light and believe.
She Hates Herself.
But why? She has no reason to. Shes beautiful, smart, funny, slow to anger, quick to forgive, everything anyone could want to be. But she can't believe that. Those are only one persons thoughts, one persons opinions.The rest, she doesnt know. Looking around the hallway she wonders to herself. What do they really think of her, when they look at her what do they say, how do they judge, wht are they hiding? She'll never know. Does she really want to? What if she finds out that all of fears are true and no one cares about her.
They Lie To Her.
She's so cold. She wants to curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. But then. Then. The dreams come, her real feelings surface to the top. She screams out in pain and agony. Tears start to fall. But no one is there. There's no one who cares. no one to find her huddled under her blanket. The real her. Naked. Exposed to the world.
She Hides Herself.
From everyone. Once there's no one there to hold her and comfort her she lets it all go. Everything comes flooding out of her eyes. She chokes. The flood will not stop, the dam can't hold. Why does she do this to herself relentlessly? Does she enjoy the pain? NO. The pain she cannot bear. Yet she still hides, claiming that everything is fine. It will always be fine. No matter how hard life gets, no matter the agony she is going through she will always cry when no one is watching, scream for help when no one can hear, want to die when no one can save her. In front of the rest of world she must be strong.
Weakness Is Not An Option.
She wonders when she will be able to die all the while knowing that she doesn't want to. As her true emotions remain hidden she goes about her day laughing, smiling. No one knows. If they start to see what's hidden she pushed them away. If she shows them whats hidden they leave. Never to return. Never to care. Not after what she told them. "I'm human, I hurt." They leave. They run. They lied. They said that they'd be there forever to help her through everything. Forever is a very short time. But then again, so many other things in life are short as well. Why should forever be an exception? Especially when she is involved. Everything must end. But if she wishes for people to stay then she must hide herself and not scare everyone away.
But Then Again...
Maybe she can scare everyone away. So when she cries endless tears and screams words for no one to hear there will never be the fear that someone is listening. There wont be the chance that someone will the remoce the mask or look under the blanket and see what's really going on. She would truly be alone. Would that really be any different from how she feels now? Lost and scared knowing that peiple care about her but at the same time, what her heart and head say are two totaly different things. She knows but she doesnt believe. Why is it that she finds it do easy to believe in a God who shes never seen, but she can't believe people who tell her how amazing she is. She can't believe that people love her.
People love her?
They say that they love her. But those are just words. Anyone could say that. It doesnt make it true. They dont show her in their actions. Words are just words. Proove it. But no. Then perhaps she'd be forced to actually see the light and believe.