Life fucking sucks right now.
Well, actually it doesn't but...
It's the first week back into the new term, and already I've managed to really fuck up an essay, stupid referencing, and I'm pretty sure I've fucked up my epi test, and I have a bioc test on Saturday, and another Essay due next week.
And I'm not doing it. I'm not studying anywhere near as much as I should be, because I feel like crap, and I partially feel like crap because I'm not studying and I know that it's gonna be epic!fail. I'm not getting the grades to get me into med, and I really should feel bad about that but I don't. I don't know what I want to do, because I have commitment issues, and don't really want to spend the next six years of my life trying to get through med school. Except, sometimes I do. And I don't know what I want.
And it's all moot anyway, because I'm not getting the grades to get into med. I need better than a B plus average.... But not much better, A will do fine. Really.
See, all going round in circles. Right now, I just want to throw up. I feel gross, and lazy, and stupid. And I KNOW that it's not true, but I just really want to curl up and cry, because life sucks.
I know what this is. It's the mid-year slump. Every year, about this time, my brain just gives up, because I'm learning too damned much, because I need a break, because it's winter. What do they call it, SAD- seasonally aquired depression or something - not enough Vitamin D.
And because I'm not studying, I get crap marks, which really screws up my plans for next year. Because I do want to get into med. I do. I could do it to, and I don't have to totally give up my life (hah! what life!) to spent what time I have studying.
I feel like I've wasted a year. That's it, really. What did I do this year, that really meant anything? Yes, there's shitloads I've done. But I could have done more. I could have, except, now, we get to the lazy part. I haven't. And while I love writing, while sometimes I just can't not write, it seems so silly, so stupid, pointless, timewasting blahblahblah right now.
Speaking of timewasting, I'm writing this. And reading BSG fanfic right now. I have bioc on saturday, and I'm woefully underprepared. Considering how suck I did in HUBS, when I actually did study, I'm not looking forwards to this.
And then there's the homesickness. Fuck, now I'm tearing up. I spent a week at home. A week with no pressure, no deadlines, no expectations. It was awesome. Now I'm back to my cheap facsimile of the real world. See, I don't feel like anything approaching a functioning adult. I'm nineteen, but I feel just like I did when I was fifteen. Same anger issues, same interests, same outlooks, same indecisiveness, same lack of confidence. I don't feel like I've grown as a person. At all.
Now I'm feeling sorry for myself. And that inner-bitch-voice that sounds surprisingly like my mother when she's being all blackmail-y is calling me a snivelling little moron. Guh.
Maybe I should just do that damned physics degree and do meteorology. Oh wait. I hated physics. At least I have a backup plan. Just, I know that if I set my hopes on med and epic!fail, it's gonna hurt like a bitch. Gah, I need a job.
It's the first week back into the new term, and already I've managed to really fuck up an essay, stupid referencing, and I'm pretty sure I've fucked up my epi test, and I have a bioc test on Saturday, and another Essay due next week.
And I'm not doing it. I'm not studying anywhere near as much as I should be, because I feel like crap, and I partially feel like crap because I'm not studying and I know that it's gonna be epic!fail. I'm not getting the grades to get me into med, and I really should feel bad about that but I don't. I don't know what I want to do, because I have commitment issues, and don't really want to spend the next six years of my life trying to get through med school. Except, sometimes I do. And I don't know what I want.
And it's all moot anyway, because I'm not getting the grades to get into med. I need better than a B plus average.... But not much better, A will do fine. Really.
See, all going round in circles. Right now, I just want to throw up. I feel gross, and lazy, and stupid. And I KNOW that it's not true, but I just really want to curl up and cry, because life sucks.
I know what this is. It's the mid-year slump. Every year, about this time, my brain just gives up, because I'm learning too damned much, because I need a break, because it's winter. What do they call it, SAD- seasonally aquired depression or something - not enough Vitamin D.
And because I'm not studying, I get crap marks, which really screws up my plans for next year. Because I do want to get into med. I do. I could do it to, and I don't have to totally give up my life (hah! what life!) to spent what time I have studying.
I feel like I've wasted a year. That's it, really. What did I do this year, that really meant anything? Yes, there's shitloads I've done. But I could have done more. I could have, except, now, we get to the lazy part. I haven't. And while I love writing, while sometimes I just can't not write, it seems so silly, so stupid, pointless, timewasting blahblahblah right now.
Speaking of timewasting, I'm writing this. And reading BSG fanfic right now. I have bioc on saturday, and I'm woefully underprepared. Considering how suck I did in HUBS, when I actually did study, I'm not looking forwards to this.
And then there's the homesickness. Fuck, now I'm tearing up. I spent a week at home. A week with no pressure, no deadlines, no expectations. It was awesome. Now I'm back to my cheap facsimile of the real world. See, I don't feel like anything approaching a functioning adult. I'm nineteen, but I feel just like I did when I was fifteen. Same anger issues, same interests, same outlooks, same indecisiveness, same lack of confidence. I don't feel like I've grown as a person. At all.
Now I'm feeling sorry for myself. And that inner-bitch-voice that sounds surprisingly like my mother when she's being all blackmail-y is calling me a snivelling little moron. Guh.
Maybe I should just do that damned physics degree and do meteorology. Oh wait. I hated physics. At least I have a backup plan. Just, I know that if I set my hopes on med and epic!fail, it's gonna hurt like a bitch. Gah, I need a job.