Im So Fucked Up.
i dont know if i can even begin to explain how im feeling right now..but i think i really just need to write about this one part of all this confusion before i go crazy. please leave advice...but dont lecture me. obviously hes an asshole, obviously i dont deserve it...but it doesnt change how i feel.
so today nichole and i went down to the beach for the day. on the way there we passed drexel..but i didnt really pay much attention to it. i did however, let it totally engulf my mind on the way home. for all of you who dont know, drexel is where this guy goes that wont talk to me anymore. i met him when i was 16 and we hooked up on and off throughout the next couple of years. i guess i should have seen that that was all i was to him..but i wanted so badly for him to care about me like i cared about him..so i ignored it. i graduated, went to senior week, and then came home and ended up losing my virginity to him. sometimes i get mad and tell myself i shoudlnt have..but i think when i really look back at it...i wouldnt have wanted it to be with anyone else. so whenever we'd talk online hed be distant and an asshole a lot of the times..but then sometimes hed have his sweet moments. and when we were together, he was so sweet. in early january he put an end to things by flipping out at me, and we havent talke since. i called him once and ended up leaving this pathetic messsage..and then over spring break i IMed him saying i was sorry (even tho i didnt really do much wrong) and that i just wanted to be able to be friends with him..because its stupid that we cant be after all we've expierenced together. neither my phone call nor my IM got a response. today driving home we went past drexel in traffic..so i could see it for what seemed like forever. i guess it hit me so hard because its the first time ive been down there since we stopped talking. then i was on facebook tonight and saw he has a new pic. i know i should get over it..ive tried. and i think im doing okay and then it just all comes back and slaps me in the face out of nowhere. i want to have a friendship with him..because its killing me this way. and he wont even talk to me. i guess everything else that was once said was complete bullshit. if you care about someone...you dont just stop and give up when you hit a bump in the road...no matter how big it is. it just really gets me that he doesnt care..and that he probably doesnt even think about me at all. ever. and i guess i looked too far into this and put pressure on him when he didnt want it...and im sorry..but people make mistakes. i know that i'll probably never see him again for the rest of my life..and i want to. i dont even know if any of what i just wrote makes any sense at all...it probably just makes me look pathetic and obsessive..but im not. i just lost someone i care a lot about...and the longer it goes on, the more it all randomly pops into my head..and the more i realize that he wants nothing to do with me.
thats the best way i can really put my feelings into words for now..even though that doesnt even explain it all that well. what do i do? is there any way to patch this up so i can at least have a friendship with the kid? i really dont think i deserve this...and its killing me more and more everyday. i dont know...leave anything..please.
so today nichole and i went down to the beach for the day. on the way there we passed drexel..but i didnt really pay much attention to it. i did however, let it totally engulf my mind on the way home. for all of you who dont know, drexel is where this guy goes that wont talk to me anymore. i met him when i was 16 and we hooked up on and off throughout the next couple of years. i guess i should have seen that that was all i was to him..but i wanted so badly for him to care about me like i cared about him..so i ignored it. i graduated, went to senior week, and then came home and ended up losing my virginity to him. sometimes i get mad and tell myself i shoudlnt have..but i think when i really look back at it...i wouldnt have wanted it to be with anyone else. so whenever we'd talk online hed be distant and an asshole a lot of the times..but then sometimes hed have his sweet moments. and when we were together, he was so sweet. in early january he put an end to things by flipping out at me, and we havent talke since. i called him once and ended up leaving this pathetic messsage..and then over spring break i IMed him saying i was sorry (even tho i didnt really do much wrong) and that i just wanted to be able to be friends with him..because its stupid that we cant be after all we've expierenced together. neither my phone call nor my IM got a response. today driving home we went past drexel in traffic..so i could see it for what seemed like forever. i guess it hit me so hard because its the first time ive been down there since we stopped talking. then i was on facebook tonight and saw he has a new pic. i know i should get over it..ive tried. and i think im doing okay and then it just all comes back and slaps me in the face out of nowhere. i want to have a friendship with him..because its killing me this way. and he wont even talk to me. i guess everything else that was once said was complete bullshit. if you care about someone...you dont just stop and give up when you hit a bump in the road...no matter how big it is. it just really gets me that he doesnt care..and that he probably doesnt even think about me at all. ever. and i guess i looked too far into this and put pressure on him when he didnt want it...and im sorry..but people make mistakes. i know that i'll probably never see him again for the rest of my life..and i want to. i dont even know if any of what i just wrote makes any sense at all...it probably just makes me look pathetic and obsessive..but im not. i just lost someone i care a lot about...and the longer it goes on, the more it all randomly pops into my head..and the more i realize that he wants nothing to do with me.
thats the best way i can really put my feelings into words for now..even though that doesnt even explain it all that well. what do i do? is there any way to patch this up so i can at least have a friendship with the kid? i really dont think i deserve this...and its killing me more and more everyday. i dont know...leave anything..please.