(no subject)
well...first time i've checked in here in awhile. life got crazy, decided to settle down, then got crazy again. have been doing a lot of thinking as of late. of friends, mostly. ones i've lost over the years (either to death, loss of contact, or due to poor communication) and ones still in my life. i am thankful for those friends of late whom have shown me what true friends are honestly supposed to be (thanks mo, 'nah, deirdre, and jeremy): taking note when i'm in a severe funk and keeping me from going completely insane inside my own thoughts. and, oddly, i am also kind of thankful for the people whom i am no longer friends with for just having been a part of my life. even if we don't talk anymore for whatever reason, you were a part of my life that i cannot forget.
i've been learning a lot about myself as i get older. don't know if i'm necessarily getting wiser, but i'm no longer the tentative and earnest girl i used to be. i've become jaded over the years and have found it more and more difficult to trust. not just those around me but also myself. for the third time in my life, i've lost someone very dear to me. all three times were in part my own fault. it's been 25 years since i last saw one of these people and have no idea of how to even go about getting in contact with her. the second, i don't think there will be any reconcilable fix to it. as for the third, i can honestly only hope that one day i will be forgiven for any damage i may have caused to break up our friendship. this most recent one has perhaps hurt me the most. my heart aches knowing i can't talk to someone i consider so dear to me, someone with the rare ability to fully understand me. time shall only tell if we talk again. i only hope my heart doesn't break completely in the mean time.
i've been learning a lot about myself as i get older. don't know if i'm necessarily getting wiser, but i'm no longer the tentative and earnest girl i used to be. i've become jaded over the years and have found it more and more difficult to trust. not just those around me but also myself. for the third time in my life, i've lost someone very dear to me. all three times were in part my own fault. it's been 25 years since i last saw one of these people and have no idea of how to even go about getting in contact with her. the second, i don't think there will be any reconcilable fix to it. as for the third, i can honestly only hope that one day i will be forgiven for any damage i may have caused to break up our friendship. this most recent one has perhaps hurt me the most. my heart aches knowing i can't talk to someone i consider so dear to me, someone with the rare ability to fully understand me. time shall only tell if we talk again. i only hope my heart doesn't break completely in the mean time.