You have left my life but you will never leave my heart
I cried less yesterday than I did the day before. And I hope to cry less today than yesterday.
Not because I am being numb to my loss but because I need to let the physical presence of her go and know that she is always with me and in a way she always has been.
I have so many what if's...and as I think of them, I'm going to write them down and answer them as well...
What if I had stayed home and not gone to the party? She would have gotten out on a different day, a day when there may have been more traffic, where her end may not have been as quick and painless. Had this happened on a weekday, CalTrans workers would have simply thrown her body in the trash and I'd be left searching aimlessly. I truely believe this was her last gift to me, that there was no uncertainty.
What if I had double checked the fence? There was no way possible I could have known that the screw broke unless I actually saw her messing with it. I can just be thankful that Cody didn't get out as well.
What if I had walked all the way to the open field? I would have missed the guy who called me as he was leaving for the hardware store, he wouldn't have had my flyer or my number to know where to go find her body, and then back again to the CalTrans scenario.
There are a lot of people who feel guilt over this...but Dinah loved her people and she wouldn't want us to feel guilt.
It was a series of seriously unfortunate events that even if the timeline had changed, the outcome would more than likely remain the same.
I miss her like nothing I've ever felt before and I love her more than words can say and I just have to remember that she loved me unconditionally and she loves me still.
I know that she is in her own version of heaven because she deserved it.
I will never forget her but I have to forgive myself as she would have forgiven me.
Not because I am being numb to my loss but because I need to let the physical presence of her go and know that she is always with me and in a way she always has been.
I have so many what if's...and as I think of them, I'm going to write them down and answer them as well...
What if I had stayed home and not gone to the party? She would have gotten out on a different day, a day when there may have been more traffic, where her end may not have been as quick and painless. Had this happened on a weekday, CalTrans workers would have simply thrown her body in the trash and I'd be left searching aimlessly. I truely believe this was her last gift to me, that there was no uncertainty.
What if I had double checked the fence? There was no way possible I could have known that the screw broke unless I actually saw her messing with it. I can just be thankful that Cody didn't get out as well.
What if I had walked all the way to the open field? I would have missed the guy who called me as he was leaving for the hardware store, he wouldn't have had my flyer or my number to know where to go find her body, and then back again to the CalTrans scenario.
There are a lot of people who feel guilt over this...but Dinah loved her people and she wouldn't want us to feel guilt.
It was a series of seriously unfortunate events that even if the timeline had changed, the outcome would more than likely remain the same.
I miss her like nothing I've ever felt before and I love her more than words can say and I just have to remember that she loved me unconditionally and she loves me still.
I know that she is in her own version of heaven because she deserved it.
I will never forget her but I have to forgive myself as she would have forgiven me.