Trying to find the fun
Originally published at Modern Domestic Geek. You can comment here or there.
Once again, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. I think I’ve started to realize why. This week is has been a very hard one - very traumatic, dealing with some people that might be called friends, but probably shouldn’t be. And my weight stayed the same instead heading downward, and this overhanging malaise, which I think everyone I live with is sick of dealing with. And I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on, and how to fix it.
I think I may have figured it out. Dan and I were talking earlier, and I was saying how I felt like I was invisible, and that I don’t have anything outside of work and taking care of the household. And on my way home from seeing a movie with two girlfriends, I realized what it was - I need to find the fun, because it’s been missing.
I used to write fiction. I wrote about six novels then self-published them on line. When asked why I didn’t get them ready for a publisher, it was because the writing had been fun for me, and publishing them would have been work. It was the same with knitting - after I was done with writing, I picked up knitting, taught myself, and had a lot of fun doing it. It was a lot of work, as was the writing, but it was fun. And that was why I never took any knitting commissions - because then it would have been work. I took up podcasting, and that was fun, and stopped when it was more like a job. The same with blogging. I think part of the reason I haven’t been posting more here, is because it wasn’t fun anymore - it was too much like work.
And now I’m not doing anything. Okay - I’m working two jobs. The first is the full-time career thing - that has been particularly unrewarding and soul sucking, but pays the bills. And then there is taking care of the boys, managing the household, keeping things clean and organized, feeding the troops, managing the finances, supporting the boys in what they do, and running the errands. Included in that is my weight loss journey and going to the gym (yes, I joined one), because I have to take care of myself so I can be there for the boys. And this job is ultimately more rewarding than the first job, but it is a job. What I don’t have is that fun something - the thing that challenges me and is defines me as more than the wife or the mom. I’m really starting to hate being called those titles, not because I don’t like being a wife and a mom, but that it seems to define me as only that - and I’m not.
And games aren’t enough. I thought I could fill that gap with Farmville, or WoW, or one of the many video games we have at home. They were good fillers I thought, because it left me to be available when needed, whether it was for a meal, or whatever, and I could stop what I was doing so that if someone needed a meal, or something else, I’d be available.
So I need to find the fun. And I know it has to be something social, whether online or in real life. I’ve felt way to isolated, to the point where large parties are rather…upsetting to me, that I feel like I don’t know how to behave properly, so I just fade into the background. So, I need to find something social, something with a bit of a challenge, even something I would need to learn, but ultimately, something that is fun. Maybe a gaming group, though I don’t know of anyone that would want me for that. I know that I don’t need to be famous, or well-known, I just need to interact with more people more often.
Because we all need more fun. And I need it really bad. Because I need to cure this malaise, and start feeling better about myself soon, or I might just fade away.