Fic: Due Vigilance
Title: Due Vigilance
Characters: House, Kutner
Rating: Gen
Word Count: 850
Summary: Kutner solves House's sleep problem. Dialogue only.
Spoilers: Mild spoilers for the end of Season 5--up to but not including House Divided ; this is based on the trailer for House Divided
Disclaimer: They aren't mine.
“Very funny, Kutner.”
“Wake up, House.”
"House! You’re sleeping through the differential.”
“Let him sleep. He’s exhausted. The man hasn’t slept in three days. We can run the differential without him.”
“But he’s having a bad dream.”
“What makes you think that?”
“He was talking in his sleep.”
“So?”
“To Kutner.”
“Does he look like he’s having a bad dream?”
“No, but…”
“Right. He’s actually smiling. So leave him alone, for God’s sake. Look at that. When was the last time you saw House smile?”
“I-“
“Okay, then. Pass me the marker. Forty-four-year-old female with chest pain and elevated white blood cell count. No history of…”
****
“Wake up, House. House! You’re sleeping through the differential.”
“What differential?”
“The differential on your insomnia.”
“Leave me alone. Need to sleep.”
“House. This is important. You’re in the middle of your own dream. You can’t fall asleep during a dream.”
“I can do what I want. It’s my dream, not yours.”
“How do you know it’s not my dream?”
“Very funny, Kutner.”
“You see, I think that’s part of what’s wrong.”
“What is?”
“I’m the only one on your team with a sense of humor who can make you laugh. The others, they’re just so ridiculously uptight and serious. Take Taub. They must’ve removed his funnybone surgically at birth-“
“Along with his foreskin.”
“-and Foreman has the sense of humor of a hired hit man. As for Thirteen-“
“What do you expect from a lesbo-feminist who’s in love with Dr. Deadly Earnest there? Look at him, trying to pretend he’s me. Hey, Foreman. Put the marker down.”
“They can’t hear you.”
“Damn. All right then, could you hurry up and get to your point?”
“The rest of the team-they’re not only boring, they’re terrible diagnosticians. I was the best of the whole bunch. See-- they can’t even figure out why you can’t sleep. They’ve got it completely wrong.”
“But you have figured it out?”
“Sure.”
“Care to share? Because I could really use some shut eye.”
“Well, everyone-even Cuddy and Wilson-assume you’re dying to sleep but can’t because you’re tormented by…”
“By?”
“By me. Or by guilt. By bad dreams. But that’s not it, is it? You’re not kept awake by guilt. You’re not scared of what will happen in your dreams.”
“No. Look how much fun I’m having right now.”
“See? Like I said, I’m the only one on your team who can make you smile. You miss me. Admit it.”
“And you think that’s why I can’t sleep?’Cause I’m sad?”
“No. But stop snickering. It would be nice to think you missed me.”
“In your dreams, Kutner. Look, if you can’t do better than cheap sentiment, I’m going back to sleep. Wake me up when you have a brilliant diag--.”
“You can’t sleep. You’ll miss something important.”
“…”
“I’m right, aren’t I? You’re afraid you’ll miss something.”
“What? Like your funeral? I never go to funerals. They’re just a lot of--”
“Don’t deflect. You know what I mean. If you fall asleep, even for a minute, you’re terrified you might miss some vital clue, some symptom, something that might explain…everything.”
“You’re an idiot. A dead idiot. Go away and let me sleep.”
“My aunt lost her first baby to SIDS. Of course, nobody knew why. When she-“
“Screw Aunt Myrtle. Trying to sleep here.”
“-When she had a second baby, she couldn’t sleep-at all. She’d drift off for a minute and then jerk herself back awake, with her heart pounding. She felt she couldn’t close her eyes for a single second. She needed to watch that baby endlessly because that was the only way she could see it coming, prevent another tragedy, keep it under control.”
“Wrong. So wrong. I’m not some overwrought new mom.”
“She called it ‘due vigilance.’ You know, like due diligence. She drank coffee and swallowed Dexedrine twenty-four/seven-kind of like you with the Red Bull. And it drove her completely mad. She ended up in the hospital.”
“…”
“House?”
“All right. So say-just for the sake of argument-that you might be right. What good does it do me to know all that? It doesn’t help me sleep.”
“I have just the thing for you. With this, you can sleep right through differentials, through clinic work, through Wilson and Cuddy lecturing you. And you won’t miss a thing. Ever. Ready? Now close your eyes…There.”
“What? What are you doing? Take them off. What are these?”
“As long as you’re wearing these glasses, your eyes never close. See? And if you tilt them like this, it makes it look like you’re winking. No one can tell you’re asleep behind them. Don’t laugh. These glasses got me through all my med school lectures.”
“Joke glasses. Very funny, Kutner.”
“You like ‘em? Wait till you see these other ones I just bought. See? They’ve got these horizontal white lines through them, they make me look like--.”
“Very funny. Now gimme back the glasses, and shut up. I have a lot of sleep to catch up on.”
fin
-----
Kutner's second pair of glasses look like this.
.