ramble
some days i just want to cry. i cant always tell if theres a reason. and try as i might want, i can't seem to bring myself to do it. i hate the way ppl look at me as i walk down the street. that i have to spend an hr putting on my make-up so i can "pass". but even then, try as hard as i do, theres always something that gives it away. that makes ppl wonder. i hate going out looking for work cause i can see it in their faces as i hand them my resume, see that they've already said no. saying they don't want someone like me to deal with, or deal with their customers. i want to do something i can enjoy. id love to do aesthetics. but a part of me wants to revisit my dream of being in councelling. yet something inside always holds me back. i wish i could let it go, let it all go. the doubts i feel about myself, the memories i can only smash apart in my mind like mirrors only to see them come together again.
it feels like im constantly hiding in the shadows. away from ppl, away from the world, from me, from my memories. i engross myself in tv shows and movies trying to find away to escape from myself if only for a while. i fill my head with useless trivia about who played what in these shows. the meanings of scene's, useless facts found in commentaries. why can't i just move on. start my life. yet being broke slows me down if not stops me. i don't have the money for my name change, or hormones, or eletrolysis. anything to move myself along.
at times i find myself wondering if i will ever find someone to love and be loved. like ill be destined to live this way in solitude. i can't stand the thought of sleep. the mere idea of it makes me tense up. i know once i lie down my mind will go into overdrive. that i cant escape my mind. the worse part about sleep is u cant run away from yourself, ur thoughts. the more you try the slower u move, like running at the bottom of a pool filled with gel. (yes its a common dream of mine). only times i can sleep is when i drive myself to exhaustion. going days without rest, and even then i need something on in the background to help allivate my thoughts.
why did god, or nature or whatever u want to call it decide to play a joke. why give me a body that will not, can not coincide with my brain. why have me live a lie so that everyone i know buys into it, so when i try to be me they cannot see it? i used to think god's big punch line was sex. turns out i was right, only it has a twist.
it feels like im constantly hiding in the shadows. away from ppl, away from the world, from me, from my memories. i engross myself in tv shows and movies trying to find away to escape from myself if only for a while. i fill my head with useless trivia about who played what in these shows. the meanings of scene's, useless facts found in commentaries. why can't i just move on. start my life. yet being broke slows me down if not stops me. i don't have the money for my name change, or hormones, or eletrolysis. anything to move myself along.
at times i find myself wondering if i will ever find someone to love and be loved. like ill be destined to live this way in solitude. i can't stand the thought of sleep. the mere idea of it makes me tense up. i know once i lie down my mind will go into overdrive. that i cant escape my mind. the worse part about sleep is u cant run away from yourself, ur thoughts. the more you try the slower u move, like running at the bottom of a pool filled with gel. (yes its a common dream of mine). only times i can sleep is when i drive myself to exhaustion. going days without rest, and even then i need something on in the background to help allivate my thoughts.
why did god, or nature or whatever u want to call it decide to play a joke. why give me a body that will not, can not coincide with my brain. why have me live a lie so that everyone i know buys into it, so when i try to be me they cannot see it? i used to think god's big punch line was sex. turns out i was right, only it has a twist.