(no subject)
feeling a little ... bitter, resentful and philosophical perhaps not done as well as other individuals by this is the warning you will get before i start on my little rant of whatever
why is it that people are so fucked in the head, many cases out there but only some i have examined at close quarters and none more so then myself. self indulgent? not really when i quite happily bag myself for being so completely inconsistent, unreasonable and high and mighty all at once. there are many examples, nothing particularly funny and not interesting enough to post.
theres that condition in humans that when others falter we blame them, knowing completely at the lowest level of knowing them with the excuse of,'what a jerk.. hope he doesn't ever procreate.' up to the most knowing of family ,'what a jerk.... i wish i wasnt related to him.' however when it is our fault we will blame everything save ourselves,'yeah it was my fault but (and we all know the law of but thrown into a sentence) i was too tired, my head was severed at the time, i have been so stressed from this not having a head thing etc etc. sometimes its true but most of the time dont we all weigh up the pros and cons and personal costs on our list of priorities and make the decision. Other things like stress do help sway this argument from,'sure ill help bash up amour for four hours every week' to 'oh i would totally do that but I have tennis elbow from listening to music all day.. who would have thought that was possible.'
And so whats the point of this background? well mostly because I have gotten home from the day and wanted a bowl of boiled rice with soy sauce and cheese. odd? strange? i really like it, but its not something i have had in years. The last time i had it was back in 2002. Back then things were much different for me and I have to wonder really. Have I changed or compromised? have I made the right or wrong choices in my life till this point? I feel like a different person, and yet. You know those people who have changed beyond recognition for better or worse. OR what about those people who refuse to change even though it is stopping them from changing for the better? how long do i have really and if no one really stops growing and changing.. how do we ever really learn to the point of knowing. Sure we can not do something because of past shown outcomes of a particular choice.. but not giving something a go just because it looks vaguely familiar with a different place, person, age, and different you who is to say its not going to be completely different.
I like to check on myself from time to time, work out where i need to go and this time i am pretty much at a loss.. there is nothing to drive at for the moment. I am on survival mode as my mum is really sick and escapism through any media be it art, strangers, watching stupid movies in preference to sleep seem to be all my coping mechanisms but not really helping. I just hate struggling.. and i know people before and after me will have it worse. I just get sick of just trying to break even, fight for my share of the food and measure up to my expectations about the world.
why is it that people are so fucked in the head, many cases out there but only some i have examined at close quarters and none more so then myself. self indulgent? not really when i quite happily bag myself for being so completely inconsistent, unreasonable and high and mighty all at once. there are many examples, nothing particularly funny and not interesting enough to post.
theres that condition in humans that when others falter we blame them, knowing completely at the lowest level of knowing them with the excuse of,'what a jerk.. hope he doesn't ever procreate.' up to the most knowing of family ,'what a jerk.... i wish i wasnt related to him.' however when it is our fault we will blame everything save ourselves,'yeah it was my fault but (and we all know the law of but thrown into a sentence) i was too tired, my head was severed at the time, i have been so stressed from this not having a head thing etc etc. sometimes its true but most of the time dont we all weigh up the pros and cons and personal costs on our list of priorities and make the decision. Other things like stress do help sway this argument from,'sure ill help bash up amour for four hours every week' to 'oh i would totally do that but I have tennis elbow from listening to music all day.. who would have thought that was possible.'
And so whats the point of this background? well mostly because I have gotten home from the day and wanted a bowl of boiled rice with soy sauce and cheese. odd? strange? i really like it, but its not something i have had in years. The last time i had it was back in 2002. Back then things were much different for me and I have to wonder really. Have I changed or compromised? have I made the right or wrong choices in my life till this point? I feel like a different person, and yet. You know those people who have changed beyond recognition for better or worse. OR what about those people who refuse to change even though it is stopping them from changing for the better? how long do i have really and if no one really stops growing and changing.. how do we ever really learn to the point of knowing. Sure we can not do something because of past shown outcomes of a particular choice.. but not giving something a go just because it looks vaguely familiar with a different place, person, age, and different you who is to say its not going to be completely different.
I like to check on myself from time to time, work out where i need to go and this time i am pretty much at a loss.. there is nothing to drive at for the moment. I am on survival mode as my mum is really sick and escapism through any media be it art, strangers, watching stupid movies in preference to sleep seem to be all my coping mechanisms but not really helping. I just hate struggling.. and i know people before and after me will have it worse. I just get sick of just trying to break even, fight for my share of the food and measure up to my expectations about the world.