Nothing feels lonelier than home
I make it look really easy. But it's not.
Moving back home carries more emotional and mental stress than I expected. When everything was unpacked and the idleness sets in, then it really hits you.
And honestly, I've been taking that out on people close to me. Blaming them for how I feel right now, etc.
I'm a girl who's used to knowing where she's from, and knowing what she's going to do tomorrow, next week, and next month. I go to sleep knowing exactly what I need to do the next day. I carry on with my business, meet my friends for downtime. It's all part of the schedule.
All of a sudden, I'm hurled back to Singapore. And let me tell you something- nothing feels lonelier than home.
I feel displaced, like I shouldn't be here. And I feel really rejected.
Last night, I spent an hour by the poolside weeping. I haven't cried in forever- I came close to it many times this semester, but it just could not be done. Emotional discipline is a contradiction... you can't really discipline emotions. You just ignore for a while and hope it goes away.
It was such a pathetic sight. I always cringe at the thought or vision of myself crying because it's so extremely awkward. Like eating chocolate biscuits with avocado dip.
The reason for this outburst? I expected my family to be happier about my return. After all, we talked about it for ages. But as it turned out, they're not as excited as I would have liked them to be. They don't seem to have the space or time for me in their lives.
Yes, I need to give them time to get used to having me around again for good. Yes, it's unreasonable of me to demand that they pay me more attention when I didn't ask for it, and when they have their own lives going on.
And yet I still can't help but feel unwanted by them. It makes me yearn to go back to Melbourne, where I know people want me around and miss me (except their government).
I told myself to free up my schedule for the first two weeks back, because I want to spend this initial period of time with my family. I miss them. I thought they felt the same way too. Maybe I overestimated their affection for me. They don't seem the least bit interested to spend time with me.
But amidst all this, I acknowledge that it's nobody's fault that I feel hurt. It's not their fault, and not mine. My friends and family have their own complicated difficult lives to attend to. It's just that the adjustment period is turning out to be very emotionally challenging.
I just thought that my parents and sister would care a little bit more. But I expected too much, and now I'm just stunned by how much it hurts.
Moving back home carries more emotional and mental stress than I expected. When everything was unpacked and the idleness sets in, then it really hits you.
And honestly, I've been taking that out on people close to me. Blaming them for how I feel right now, etc.
I'm a girl who's used to knowing where she's from, and knowing what she's going to do tomorrow, next week, and next month. I go to sleep knowing exactly what I need to do the next day. I carry on with my business, meet my friends for downtime. It's all part of the schedule.
All of a sudden, I'm hurled back to Singapore. And let me tell you something- nothing feels lonelier than home.
I feel displaced, like I shouldn't be here. And I feel really rejected.
Last night, I spent an hour by the poolside weeping. I haven't cried in forever- I came close to it many times this semester, but it just could not be done. Emotional discipline is a contradiction... you can't really discipline emotions. You just ignore for a while and hope it goes away.
It was such a pathetic sight. I always cringe at the thought or vision of myself crying because it's so extremely awkward. Like eating chocolate biscuits with avocado dip.
The reason for this outburst? I expected my family to be happier about my return. After all, we talked about it for ages. But as it turned out, they're not as excited as I would have liked them to be. They don't seem to have the space or time for me in their lives.
Yes, I need to give them time to get used to having me around again for good. Yes, it's unreasonable of me to demand that they pay me more attention when I didn't ask for it, and when they have their own lives going on.
And yet I still can't help but feel unwanted by them. It makes me yearn to go back to Melbourne, where I know people want me around and miss me (except their government).
I told myself to free up my schedule for the first two weeks back, because I want to spend this initial period of time with my family. I miss them. I thought they felt the same way too. Maybe I overestimated their affection for me. They don't seem the least bit interested to spend time with me.
But amidst all this, I acknowledge that it's nobody's fault that I feel hurt. It's not their fault, and not mine. My friends and family have their own complicated difficult lives to attend to. It's just that the adjustment period is turning out to be very emotionally challenging.
I just thought that my parents and sister would care a little bit more. But I expected too much, and now I'm just stunned by how much it hurts.