(no subject)
I've been experiencing some really intense spiritual angst today. To be perfectly honest, I've actaully been in pain - physical pain - from it. I don't know exactly what sparked it, but I've felt a very real battle raging inside of me. I can feel myself being pulled in so many different directions. I think what it is is God trying to break through to me and call me down the path He's prepared for me, but something inside is blocking His voice...
I know that I need to cleanse my soul, go to confession, open my spiritual eyes back up.
The world has been pushing me so hard for so long that I think I've given into it in a lot of ways. I really think I made up this idea of going to Spain and becoming a college professor all on my owna dn convinced myself that it's what God wanted me to do so I could sleep easier at night. But when I think about it - I mean reallllly think about it - I don't think that's the right plan for me at all. Now don't get me wrong, I'de probably be great at it. I'd probably really enjoy it too. It's definitely something that would make great sense for my life. But is it what I'm supposed to be doing with my life? I'm not so sure. I really doubt it actually.
The more I put my own agenda to the side and really focus on where God is calling me, the same place that I've felt Him calling me since I was a girl keeps popping back into my heart: Africa. I've been drawn to Africa, specifically its people, for almost my whole life. I've been so many gifts which equip me to serve the people of this continent it's impossible to deny that I'm more than prepared to dedicate my life to them.
Let me tell you something important about myself. I know that I am not alone in this sentiment, but I do know that I am certainly a rarity. When I read about the Sudan, or Uganda, or the Congo, or Somalia, I can picture the people there as clearly as if they were my brothers and sisters. I can feel their suffering as if it were my own. I don't mean that I can mentally imagine what they are going through - I'm speaking very literally here. I can actually feel physical pain, and it burdens me so. My heart is so heavy with the burden of their suffering and I feel a pull and a desire to share my gifts with these people to aid in the relief in their suffering. I'm telling you, this desire is so strong that it almost feels involuntary, as crazy as that might sound.
I just don't think I'll be able to ignore that strong of a calling my whole life.
So why am I so hesitant to give in to it?
Because it's scary!! I know for a fact my father will not be supportive of it because he wants me to live a normal, safe, and happy American life with a decent income and 2.5 children and a pet dog. Dad, news flash, I want those things too!! But I have been cursed and blessed with a deep awareness of the Lord's voice in my life, and I cannot ignore Him. Also, I don't know where to even start! Do I join a missionary group, maybe even go to missionary school? Join a political organization? A grassroots campaign? Just fly over and start caring for people with my own two hands like Mother Theresa? I could do any of these options and so many more. Looking into the possibility of even TRYING to make that kind of a decision is terrifying. I'll probably have to move, who knows where? DC? California? Kenya? Italy? To use a well-known cliche in its most literal sense, God only knows.
Like so many times in my life, I long for clarity. I long for it like a person lost in the desert longs for water.