What Do I Need and Why?
Honestly, I think the biggest thing I need is attention. The question, really, is why I need attention so badly, when I've lived without it for so long.
Note: I realize that I haven't mentioned anything about this Dom yet, or how we met, or anything about our relationship. It will happen eventually, since it's pretty much the center of my universe right now.
So let's start with the background. I have been on my own for five years now. Even before that, I was perfectly content to have very few friends, and spend much of my time alone.
I have never had a "relationship," or in other words, a "boyfriend." Occasionally I thought it might be nice, but I didn't need one, and I didn't want to force myself on someone. However, as independent as I was, I always imagined that I would be able to maintain my independence in a relationship. No being needy or clingy, no calling every five minutes, basically no doing all the "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days" sorts of things that girls do. I was happy in my independence, and although I thought it might be nice to have someone to snuggle with, talk to about various intellectual topics, etc., I never needed it, and I thought I never would. It is worth noting, though, that since I've never been in a relationship, I have never known how exactly I would act while in one. I just had my theories, based on my behavior in a non-relationship state.
Also part of my background: I've always pushed emotions away from me. People always talk about "bottling up" their emotions, but I never felt that way. I pushed them outside of me, and built walls that kept them away. True, they were always trying to break the walls down, but my walls have been quite secure for a long time, and very little managed to get through.
In entering a relationship, I've found those walls effectively broken down. I tried very hard (and I still try) to only open the wall that would allow love through, and keep the rest of my emotions safely away, but it hasn't quite worked out that way. Once one wall was down, the rest essentially became ineffective. So over the past month and a half, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I don't know quite how to deal with them, how to control them, because I've never bothered before. I just shut them out. So lately, I've been dealing with the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will literally cry at the drop of a hat. It's ridiculous.
So, back to needing attention. When I first told him I'd be his, I expected to be a little needy, because many subs are just that way. Note, though, that I expected to be a little needy. Just a little. I found, very quickly, that I was more than a little needy, and I worried about it. But I asked him several times if I was being too needy, or if I needed to back off, and he said no, he liked me just the way I was. I made him promise that he'd tell me if I was ever being too needy, and he made me promise to tell him if I ever felt he wasn't paying enough attention to me.
The news, which I've hinted at, but haven't really told him, is that I am feeling like I need more attention. I know I promised to tell him, but I just haven't been able to find the words. But I know it started at least a month ago, which is sad, since we've only been "together" for a month and a half. Some time, I'll tell the story of what happened that first weekend when I decided I needed more attention, but that's a little off topic for now.
Why I can't find the words: I think there are three main reasons. First is that I'm shy, and a little afraid he won't like me if I tell him he's not paying enough attention. In my head, I know that seems ridiculous, but it's a fear I can't quite get rid of. Second is because I've always been so independent, and to need someone this badly scares me. I don't want to need him. I mean, part of me wants to need him, but ... I guess all my life, in addition to pushing emotions away, I've been very careful to let my head lead my heart. So, my heart wants to need him, but my head is still very much in charge, and it says that I'm independent and I don't need anyone, and I never will. So I guess maybe it's a little shaming for me to need him, or need his attention.
My third reason is guilt. He's been very busy lately, and I don't want to swamp him even more. I know he love me, and loves talking to me and spending time with me, so I like to think he'd call more often if he had the time. Related to this is a fear that if I tell him I need more attention, he'll decide to tell me I'm being too needy. I'm afraid of that, because although I've told him I could be less needy if I wanted to be, or if he wanted me to be, I don't know that it's actually true. I thought it was true in the beginning, but I'm not so sure anymore.
How I feel: First, I feel unstable. I'm moody, I'm floundering. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the ocean, and I can't swim. My kicking and flailing is keeping me somewhat afloat for now, but I'll go down soon if I can't get some help. Second, I feel insecure. And really, I think I'd be able to deal with that on my own, at least temporarily, except I have a thousand things eating away at my insecurities. I recently moved home, just for the summer, and my mother and sister are both on my case about my online "boyfriend" whom I've never met in person. I understand where they're coming from, and it seems unbelievable even to me at times, that I can feel so strongly for someone I've never met. But they say all the right things to make me doubt myself, and doubt him. They are the catalysts, but it's my own mind that starts questioning everything, eating away even more at my insecurities. I'm not stable enough to be left alone with myself.
I'm also scared. I'll discuss this more, I think, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll ask for more attention, and he'll promise it, then not be able to give it.
How more of his attention will, in theory, fix these things: In both cases (we'll discuss fear later), I think he'd provide a grounding of sorts. Something that I could hold on to. But it has to be consistent, and that's part of what I'm afraid of. That it won't be, and it will hurt even more. We'll discuss consistency more, too.
Unhealthy ways I've dealt with this so far. My first thought (I'm serious) was that if I acted up, I'd get more attention, because he'd have to punish me. Right? Well, that first weekend I mentioned, where I first felt really neglected, I kinda sorta tried it, and it backfired badly. Still, it didn't keep me from contemplating it again. There were two problems with this. First, I didn't have many rules against which I could rebel. He's moving so slowly with me that he hasn't really set any real rules. My second problem was that I was afraid, again. Afraid that I would misbehave, and he wouldn't take any notice, wouldn't punish me, would barely even scold me, and that him not taking notice would hurt even more.
My second unhealthy way of dealing with it was to think maybe I should ask him to give me some rules. My thinking was that if he gave me rules, and if he was a good Dom, he'd have to keep surveillance over them, to make sure I was obeying, and that would be attention. Besides that I was asking for rules for selfish reasons, I was afraid again. Afraid that he would give me rules, but then wouldn't keep track of them, or wouldn't enforce them, and again, that would hurt more than what I feel now.
That last point brought up another point that scared me. What if he isn't a good Dom, who'll set rules for me and enforce them? What if he doesn't set rules at all, or what if he does, but doesn't make sure I obey? I'm afraid that would hurt so much more than anything that's happening now. I didn't start worrying about that part of it until I read Roper's Seven Types of Dom analysis. Right now, I admit, my Dom is most like the Lover. I don't really think that's a bad thing, per se, except the part where it says it's a moot point whether he's actually in control. I don't know if that works for me. He has to be in control, or else how can I get any satisfaction from being a sub? I think if I end up topping from the bottom, I'll be unhappy, at least with that part of the relationship.
However, before you all say that maybe I need to find another Dom, who will actually meet my needs, I have to tell you that I love him. I know we've never met in person, but I love him just the same. I can't explain it, but at this point, especially since I'm being so non-communicative, I'm not ready to end the relationship. And it's possible that he's a very good Dom, and won't let me top from the bottom at all. I guess I'm just scared that I'll talk to him, and be disappointed. But here's the other thing. He's told me before that if I decide I'm not really ready to be in a D/s relationship, he still wants to be with me, even if we're purely vanilla. How can I say any less to him? How could I possibly say that he's not the kind of Dom I need, and that I won't stay with him because of it? The answer is that I can't. Because I love him, and if D/s didn't work out with us, I'd be willing to be vanilla with him.
The second thing I need is consistency. I think (based on my theories, of course) that if I knew he was going to be consistent, I wouldn't have these concerns. Even if I knew we would only be able to talk once a week, I'd be okay. As long as he called on that designated day and time, I'd be able to use that as my grounding for the week. Every day would be better, but every week would work. And really, that's all I'm asking.
What I can't handle is when he says he's going to call, and then doesn't. I know, you're all saying "big red flag, honey," and maybe I really am just too naive, but I believe him when these things come up. I know he's busy. I just need some consistency. If he says he's going to call, I need him to call. And if something really comes up, and he can't, I need him to text me or something. Let me know he can't call, but he'll call me on X day at Y time, or something. I hate waiting by the phone for hours, knowing perfectly well that I could take my phone with me and actually get something done, but not being able to. Just waiting "a few more minutes" for that call, only to have it never come. It hurt a lot. Add that together with my own insecurities and my mother and sister convinced he's married or some other dreaded lie, and it's a wonder I don't fall apart at the seams. I spend so much time thinking he must have just forgotten about me, and that hurts tremendously. I just wonder if he knows how much it hurts me, which leads me to wonder if he cares. The fact that I know he cares, and doesn't want to hurt me (well, not emotionally *grin*) seems little comfort when I'm going to bed yet again, wishing he had called.
And also on the topic of consistency, and going back to my discussion about rules: If he's going to set rules (and I imagine he will), I need him to be consistent in enforcing them. If I slip up (and I'm sure I will), I need to know that he's going to make sure I'm sorry for it. I guess that's just common sense, but given my recent fears about what type of Dom he is, I thought it needed to be said.
And speaking of those fears, I suppose I really need to stop jumping to conclusions and give him a chance. Because I don't think he's a lazy Dom. And really, you get to hear about the parts that disappoint me the most at any given moment, because that's when I feel the need to rant. When I'm happy, I find other things to do. And really, there's lots good that's happening in the relationship, too.
So, those are my concerns. If anyone has any advice . . . ? Or knows someone who might have good advice? Please, please, please help me! I feel so lost, and I can't figure out how to talk to him. Every time I feel really bad, and get up the courage to try to talk to him about it, I instantly forgive him as soon as the phone rings. Then I feel okay for a little while, then it gets bad again, and then he calls, and I can't say it. I keep thinking an email would be a good idea (and I swear I can word it more tactfully than I have in this little discourse), but I'm afraid no matter how I word it, it may be read as accusatory, and that's not my intention. You know how it's hard to make the proper tone come through in text? I'm also afraid of topping from the bottom, and I don't know where the line lies between "here's what you should do" and "here's how I'm feeling." I'm afraid I'm too solutions-oriented to let him decide what to do about how I'm feeling.
Sorry, I know it's long. Help me anyway?
Another note: I plan to talk to him today. He knows it, which means he'll probably actually make me start talking about it. I just don't know what to say to portray all of this while not making him think I think he's a bad Dom. Because I don't. I'm not trying to criticize, I'm not trying to judge. I just need my life to feel more stable again.
Note: I realize that I haven't mentioned anything about this Dom yet, or how we met, or anything about our relationship. It will happen eventually, since it's pretty much the center of my universe right now.
So let's start with the background. I have been on my own for five years now. Even before that, I was perfectly content to have very few friends, and spend much of my time alone.
I have never had a "relationship," or in other words, a "boyfriend." Occasionally I thought it might be nice, but I didn't need one, and I didn't want to force myself on someone. However, as independent as I was, I always imagined that I would be able to maintain my independence in a relationship. No being needy or clingy, no calling every five minutes, basically no doing all the "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days" sorts of things that girls do. I was happy in my independence, and although I thought it might be nice to have someone to snuggle with, talk to about various intellectual topics, etc., I never needed it, and I thought I never would. It is worth noting, though, that since I've never been in a relationship, I have never known how exactly I would act while in one. I just had my theories, based on my behavior in a non-relationship state.
Also part of my background: I've always pushed emotions away from me. People always talk about "bottling up" their emotions, but I never felt that way. I pushed them outside of me, and built walls that kept them away. True, they were always trying to break the walls down, but my walls have been quite secure for a long time, and very little managed to get through.
In entering a relationship, I've found those walls effectively broken down. I tried very hard (and I still try) to only open the wall that would allow love through, and keep the rest of my emotions safely away, but it hasn't quite worked out that way. Once one wall was down, the rest essentially became ineffective. So over the past month and a half, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I don't know quite how to deal with them, how to control them, because I've never bothered before. I just shut them out. So lately, I've been dealing with the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will literally cry at the drop of a hat. It's ridiculous.
So, back to needing attention. When I first told him I'd be his, I expected to be a little needy, because many subs are just that way. Note, though, that I expected to be a little needy. Just a little. I found, very quickly, that I was more than a little needy, and I worried about it. But I asked him several times if I was being too needy, or if I needed to back off, and he said no, he liked me just the way I was. I made him promise that he'd tell me if I was ever being too needy, and he made me promise to tell him if I ever felt he wasn't paying enough attention to me.
The news, which I've hinted at, but haven't really told him, is that I am feeling like I need more attention. I know I promised to tell him, but I just haven't been able to find the words. But I know it started at least a month ago, which is sad, since we've only been "together" for a month and a half. Some time, I'll tell the story of what happened that first weekend when I decided I needed more attention, but that's a little off topic for now.
Why I can't find the words: I think there are three main reasons. First is that I'm shy, and a little afraid he won't like me if I tell him he's not paying enough attention. In my head, I know that seems ridiculous, but it's a fear I can't quite get rid of. Second is because I've always been so independent, and to need someone this badly scares me. I don't want to need him. I mean, part of me wants to need him, but ... I guess all my life, in addition to pushing emotions away, I've been very careful to let my head lead my heart. So, my heart wants to need him, but my head is still very much in charge, and it says that I'm independent and I don't need anyone, and I never will. So I guess maybe it's a little shaming for me to need him, or need his attention.
My third reason is guilt. He's been very busy lately, and I don't want to swamp him even more. I know he love me, and loves talking to me and spending time with me, so I like to think he'd call more often if he had the time. Related to this is a fear that if I tell him I need more attention, he'll decide to tell me I'm being too needy. I'm afraid of that, because although I've told him I could be less needy if I wanted to be, or if he wanted me to be, I don't know that it's actually true. I thought it was true in the beginning, but I'm not so sure anymore.
How I feel: First, I feel unstable. I'm moody, I'm floundering. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the ocean, and I can't swim. My kicking and flailing is keeping me somewhat afloat for now, but I'll go down soon if I can't get some help. Second, I feel insecure. And really, I think I'd be able to deal with that on my own, at least temporarily, except I have a thousand things eating away at my insecurities. I recently moved home, just for the summer, and my mother and sister are both on my case about my online "boyfriend" whom I've never met in person. I understand where they're coming from, and it seems unbelievable even to me at times, that I can feel so strongly for someone I've never met. But they say all the right things to make me doubt myself, and doubt him. They are the catalysts, but it's my own mind that starts questioning everything, eating away even more at my insecurities. I'm not stable enough to be left alone with myself.
I'm also scared. I'll discuss this more, I think, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll ask for more attention, and he'll promise it, then not be able to give it.
How more of his attention will, in theory, fix these things: In both cases (we'll discuss fear later), I think he'd provide a grounding of sorts. Something that I could hold on to. But it has to be consistent, and that's part of what I'm afraid of. That it won't be, and it will hurt even more. We'll discuss consistency more, too.
Unhealthy ways I've dealt with this so far. My first thought (I'm serious) was that if I acted up, I'd get more attention, because he'd have to punish me. Right? Well, that first weekend I mentioned, where I first felt really neglected, I kinda sorta tried it, and it backfired badly. Still, it didn't keep me from contemplating it again. There were two problems with this. First, I didn't have many rules against which I could rebel. He's moving so slowly with me that he hasn't really set any real rules. My second problem was that I was afraid, again. Afraid that I would misbehave, and he wouldn't take any notice, wouldn't punish me, would barely even scold me, and that him not taking notice would hurt even more.
My second unhealthy way of dealing with it was to think maybe I should ask him to give me some rules. My thinking was that if he gave me rules, and if he was a good Dom, he'd have to keep surveillance over them, to make sure I was obeying, and that would be attention. Besides that I was asking for rules for selfish reasons, I was afraid again. Afraid that he would give me rules, but then wouldn't keep track of them, or wouldn't enforce them, and again, that would hurt more than what I feel now.
That last point brought up another point that scared me. What if he isn't a good Dom, who'll set rules for me and enforce them? What if he doesn't set rules at all, or what if he does, but doesn't make sure I obey? I'm afraid that would hurt so much more than anything that's happening now. I didn't start worrying about that part of it until I read Roper's Seven Types of Dom analysis. Right now, I admit, my Dom is most like the Lover. I don't really think that's a bad thing, per se, except the part where it says it's a moot point whether he's actually in control. I don't know if that works for me. He has to be in control, or else how can I get any satisfaction from being a sub? I think if I end up topping from the bottom, I'll be unhappy, at least with that part of the relationship.
However, before you all say that maybe I need to find another Dom, who will actually meet my needs, I have to tell you that I love him. I know we've never met in person, but I love him just the same. I can't explain it, but at this point, especially since I'm being so non-communicative, I'm not ready to end the relationship. And it's possible that he's a very good Dom, and won't let me top from the bottom at all. I guess I'm just scared that I'll talk to him, and be disappointed. But here's the other thing. He's told me before that if I decide I'm not really ready to be in a D/s relationship, he still wants to be with me, even if we're purely vanilla. How can I say any less to him? How could I possibly say that he's not the kind of Dom I need, and that I won't stay with him because of it? The answer is that I can't. Because I love him, and if D/s didn't work out with us, I'd be willing to be vanilla with him.
The second thing I need is consistency. I think (based on my theories, of course) that if I knew he was going to be consistent, I wouldn't have these concerns. Even if I knew we would only be able to talk once a week, I'd be okay. As long as he called on that designated day and time, I'd be able to use that as my grounding for the week. Every day would be better, but every week would work. And really, that's all I'm asking.
What I can't handle is when he says he's going to call, and then doesn't. I know, you're all saying "big red flag, honey," and maybe I really am just too naive, but I believe him when these things come up. I know he's busy. I just need some consistency. If he says he's going to call, I need him to call. And if something really comes up, and he can't, I need him to text me or something. Let me know he can't call, but he'll call me on X day at Y time, or something. I hate waiting by the phone for hours, knowing perfectly well that I could take my phone with me and actually get something done, but not being able to. Just waiting "a few more minutes" for that call, only to have it never come. It hurt a lot. Add that together with my own insecurities and my mother and sister convinced he's married or some other dreaded lie, and it's a wonder I don't fall apart at the seams. I spend so much time thinking he must have just forgotten about me, and that hurts tremendously. I just wonder if he knows how much it hurts me, which leads me to wonder if he cares. The fact that I know he cares, and doesn't want to hurt me (well, not emotionally *grin*) seems little comfort when I'm going to bed yet again, wishing he had called.
And also on the topic of consistency, and going back to my discussion about rules: If he's going to set rules (and I imagine he will), I need him to be consistent in enforcing them. If I slip up (and I'm sure I will), I need to know that he's going to make sure I'm sorry for it. I guess that's just common sense, but given my recent fears about what type of Dom he is, I thought it needed to be said.
And speaking of those fears, I suppose I really need to stop jumping to conclusions and give him a chance. Because I don't think he's a lazy Dom. And really, you get to hear about the parts that disappoint me the most at any given moment, because that's when I feel the need to rant. When I'm happy, I find other things to do. And really, there's lots good that's happening in the relationship, too.
So, those are my concerns. If anyone has any advice . . . ? Or knows someone who might have good advice? Please, please, please help me! I feel so lost, and I can't figure out how to talk to him. Every time I feel really bad, and get up the courage to try to talk to him about it, I instantly forgive him as soon as the phone rings. Then I feel okay for a little while, then it gets bad again, and then he calls, and I can't say it. I keep thinking an email would be a good idea (and I swear I can word it more tactfully than I have in this little discourse), but I'm afraid no matter how I word it, it may be read as accusatory, and that's not my intention. You know how it's hard to make the proper tone come through in text? I'm also afraid of topping from the bottom, and I don't know where the line lies between "here's what you should do" and "here's how I'm feeling." I'm afraid I'm too solutions-oriented to let him decide what to do about how I'm feeling.
Sorry, I know it's long. Help me anyway?
Another note: I plan to talk to him today. He knows it, which means he'll probably actually make me start talking about it. I just don't know what to say to portray all of this while not making him think I think he's a bad Dom. Because I don't. I'm not trying to criticize, I'm not trying to judge. I just need my life to feel more stable again.