Reflection of Confusion
Everything is so final here.
Boundaries are unchanging, second chances are never given and everything is set in stone. I have lived in this bubble for fourteen years, and every year I feel less and less a part of it as well as more and more against it. The "popular" group from 3rd grade Bradbury is still the same group (with the addition of a few members that came to our fateful school in later years.) The "geeks" will forever be geeks. My friends will forever be my friends, (as seen only from a distance by most.) No one gives anyone a chance, seeing that everything is assumed. I am stuck in a vat of sticky quicksand and my only savior is college. My question is: where is college in the vat? At the bottom? After I have sunk to the lowest of the low and barely survived? or above the vat? Must I reach over and above everyone in this fake unchanging bubble in order to finally find what will make me happy? I, my friends, have sunken to the bottom of the vat and there is NO relief there. My only option is to reach above all of this hierarchy bullshit. WE ARE 17 YEARS OLD! Who is to tell us that we are inadequate or "not cool enough"??? The only person allowed to chose that for us is ourselves. However, we willingly hand that power with a smile to those deemed "qualified" to decide it for us. These boys and girls are the same as we are! They just happen to have gotten "in" at the right time, and they always seem to do the "right" thing. Things they do badly just slide. Hush hush, we dont TALK about THOSE things, because thats unfair. That boy in the corner? Psh, we can rip HIM to shreds, yet these people are untouchable. Its pathetic. We have willingly given up our sense of self to them, or to the aspiration to be like them, without a second thought. In the real world, THEY dont matter. People have to realize that. While it sucks a lot to say "I cant wait until college" I seem to think that that is my only option. Call me a cynic, and i'll welcome the thought. There is no way to crumble the cement that glues each and every person into place, and I am too drained to get out the jackhammer only to be dissapointed in the end. This year, I vow to make the most of what I have. I will expand my personal bubble beyond the limits of binge drinking and random hook-ups into real relationships, new friends, and above all, new experiences. The goal of all of this is to increase my self confidence by showing me that THERE IS A REAL WORLD OUT THERE. People can like me. I'm not inadequate, i'm just not part of that group. Once I leave the walls of Francis W. Parker, on June 10th 2006, all of my labels will dissipate into the warm June breeze and I will let out the largest sigh of my life.
For now,
Here's to life!
Maia
Boundaries are unchanging, second chances are never given and everything is set in stone. I have lived in this bubble for fourteen years, and every year I feel less and less a part of it as well as more and more against it. The "popular" group from 3rd grade Bradbury is still the same group (with the addition of a few members that came to our fateful school in later years.) The "geeks" will forever be geeks. My friends will forever be my friends, (as seen only from a distance by most.) No one gives anyone a chance, seeing that everything is assumed. I am stuck in a vat of sticky quicksand and my only savior is college. My question is: where is college in the vat? At the bottom? After I have sunk to the lowest of the low and barely survived? or above the vat? Must I reach over and above everyone in this fake unchanging bubble in order to finally find what will make me happy? I, my friends, have sunken to the bottom of the vat and there is NO relief there. My only option is to reach above all of this hierarchy bullshit. WE ARE 17 YEARS OLD! Who is to tell us that we are inadequate or "not cool enough"??? The only person allowed to chose that for us is ourselves. However, we willingly hand that power with a smile to those deemed "qualified" to decide it for us. These boys and girls are the same as we are! They just happen to have gotten "in" at the right time, and they always seem to do the "right" thing. Things they do badly just slide. Hush hush, we dont TALK about THOSE things, because thats unfair. That boy in the corner? Psh, we can rip HIM to shreds, yet these people are untouchable. Its pathetic. We have willingly given up our sense of self to them, or to the aspiration to be like them, without a second thought. In the real world, THEY dont matter. People have to realize that. While it sucks a lot to say "I cant wait until college" I seem to think that that is my only option. Call me a cynic, and i'll welcome the thought. There is no way to crumble the cement that glues each and every person into place, and I am too drained to get out the jackhammer only to be dissapointed in the end. This year, I vow to make the most of what I have. I will expand my personal bubble beyond the limits of binge drinking and random hook-ups into real relationships, new friends, and above all, new experiences. The goal of all of this is to increase my self confidence by showing me that THERE IS A REAL WORLD OUT THERE. People can like me. I'm not inadequate, i'm just not part of that group. Once I leave the walls of Francis W. Parker, on June 10th 2006, all of my labels will dissipate into the warm June breeze and I will let out the largest sigh of my life.
For now,
Here's to life!
Maia