Nick - For Posterity
The following are journal entries I wrote over the course of my abusive relationship with my ex, long after I should have and long after things started getting bad. If I had to say, there was trouble brewing not even two months in (mid-June).
I post these as a reminder to myself of how fucked up this were and to never repeat these mistakes again. I am so happy with Brendan now - he couldn't be more different than Nick. He makes me forget this dark period of my life - I can't believe it was only about 5 months ago.
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October 31, 2015
Another night, another fight.
He wants me to talk more about shit--not just anything, cuckolding--so I have made an effort to bring up that I want a threesome with a girl and I'm working on it. He seemed receptive... At least wasn't pissed that nothing was really happening. But when I said it's been 2 weeks since we've had sex he said that it shouldn't matter if we have a tthreesome or not, we should still be having sex. I agree. But we aren't. And of course it's my fault.
He said that I haven't done anything so that's why we haven't had sex. Last week he jacked off twice a day every day. Tonight I admit I was so tired from my day that I had no energy for sex but it's still nice to be shown that you're desired. He took my lube and went downstairs. Wouldn't even come back up to give me a kiss goodnight. If you are horny, wouldn't you much rather have sex with your lover? He calls me that but I don't feel like one.
He says that our sex life doesn't have to be all about cuckolding but I'm finding that isn't true. The last time we had sex was just after meeting kelvin. It was hot and really passionate but it lasted what felt like 5 mins, and he hasn't made a move to touch me since. Last weekend I was fucking half naked and plastered right up against him, stroking his back and shit but he wasn't into it. Or didn't get it. Do I have to explicitly ask for it?
So fuck you for saying i don't do anything. Fuck you for coming to bed and getting all close and licking my ear and then going ice cold when I turn around to engage you and your raging hard on. Fuck you for saying this isn't how you want your sex life to be. Wake up asshole--neither do I.
But god forbid I even say anything. You want me to talk and be open but how can I when you react badly to stuff that I know you're not going to like. The reason we have so many fights is not me--I don't instigate anything. But I can't speak my mind at all which is a problem. Every time it gets turned airing on me and I can't even get a word in. For once can you just shut up and listen to me and actually hear what I'm saying? I certainly don't feel like an equal partner.
It's always about what you're getting or not. When I say I'd like to have sex with you and have you actually participate instead of lying there like a dead fish, I'd like you to respect what I'm saying. Is it too much to ask? And I want some romantic fucking look you in the eye sex once in a while, some good old fashioned make outs and dry humping. Is that too much for you?
I hate myself for being so weak. I feel so starved for affection that as soon as I get a taste, I rip my clothes off. I don't want only lazy 4am sex that isn't enjoyable for me. I want to say no to that to show that it's not ok. He says I don't initiate things--well, half the time you say no so I really don't feel like opening up to that rejection, thanks. Or simply giving you a blowjob to get you off and get nothing in return.
And I swear if I hear one more time "you'll get what you deserve" again I'm going to scream. How vindictive.
I feel guilty for thinking this but I don't know if I even love him. I thought I did but I might just be caught up in the euphoria of having a relationship. I don't want to hang on because I'm afraid nothing else will come along. If I was hearing these stories from a friend about how he treats me, I'd say dump then fucker. So why am I putting myself through this? Is it worth it?
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November 13, 2015
So we are trying to sleep and you apologize for being such a fucking beast all evening and for shouting at me over my phone. It is appreciated. However it all gets wiped out when you harp about me pulling on MY pillow to get comfortable and coughing (sorry I'm sick have some sympathy). Um, what the fuck? You have your own so sleep on that. And can you please STOP SLEEPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED? I would like some personal space sometimes between me and your fucking dragon breathing. If you can't fall asleep in an hour then it's not going to happen. Give it up. I have. I also have fucking heart burn thanks to eating at goddamn 930pm, thanks so much. Not to mention you fucked up my workout. How embarrassing to be paged to the front like a lost child. Open your fucking eyes--how hard did you really look for me? It's not like the place is that big or was that busy. I know your training is half an hour. It wasn't even 9 yet so calm the fuck down. You go on about me fucking with your mojo and throwing you off at the gym; well, thank you so much for giving me a firsthand experience.
I am in such a foul mood now. What is your fucking problem that you have to be such an asshole about me QUIELTY getting out of bed? If I woke you up that easily you weren't asleep in the first place. And how do you think I feel when you flick on the lights in BROAD DAYLIGHT for no goddamn reason and leave doors and shit open when I'm trying to sleep? Thanks for taking care of me.
Why is it always about you? You ask me why I always follow your lead and never take charge. Maybe this is why. Because you are a fucking baby and asshole when you don't get your way. I do deserve equal say in things. And thank you for fucking trusting me to make something delicious and healthy for dinner. And fuck you and your hate on for coconut milk. Get over yourself. Come and talk to me about healthy when you quit smoking.
The storm outside is fueling my rage. This wind is insane. I'm glad you're finally asleep--I guess because you haven't come to find me yet. But at the same time can you please examine your own behaviour and make some changes? Get your fucking temper sorted out and stop lashing out at me for no good reason. If you hate going to the gym so much, don't go! Stop taking out your frustrations on me: it's not my fault. I'm not making you go.
I do feel better after venting. I wish I had the courage to say these things to you. But you would just get mad and grouchy and throw a fit. You say if I were to bring up issues to you you would listen (eventually) but I don't believe you.
And did I hear you say "I need to cum" tonight? I can't remember if I dreamed it or if it was real. I think it was real, and I said I'd take care of it (as always). And then came back to bed and you didn't want me to touch you. "I need to sleep." Yeah well, me too. I'm sorry, do you have to wake up at 6? Oh wait, no, that's me. You had better not moan at me about not taking the lead with sex. Yeah If you hadn't made that comment then I probably wouldn't have done anything even though it was on my mind.
It's not right that I get these anxious feeling when we haven't had sex all week. I know you're going to throw a fit on the weekend. Do you want me to force you when you are tired? Pretty sure that's called rape. How many nights have you kept me awake when I've told you that I need to sleep? More than is fair in any fucking lifetime. And did I say anything to you about waking me up repeatedly last night? No. Did you say anything to me at all about it when I mentioned I kept waking up? No. Because I don't need to pick a stupid meaningless fight with you (because that's what is inevitably going to happen) and you are a selfish asshole.
I can't believe how many double standards I'm putting up with in this relationship. What is wrong with me? Why would I want to be with someone who gets so furious over my phone being on silent? You're coming home and you know where I am -- you know that I'm cooking for christs sake -- so just come in the goddamn house when you get home. I don't deserve to be yelled at over the phone. And if your ego is so fragile then you need to take care of it and stop taking it out on me. If you had said you wanted to leave as soon as you got home then I would have been ready but that was never made explicit.
There's another double standard -- you insist that I be more explicit when I talk and give you information but I'm supposed to be a mind reader and infer things from you all the time. How am I supposed to know that you wanted to go straight away? You can't even spare 5 mins to come in the fucking house? Your time is so precious?
Honestly this makes me want to leave you. So many stupid little things get under your skin. What a waste of energy. I can't imagine having kids with someone with such a temper. There is no way in hell you will ever talk to me in such a way in front of our kid. You can say goodbye to both of us. I just keep playing that in my head everytime you have a meltdown. Do you wonder why I cry all the time? I'm certainly not making myself weep.
I really need to stop. The longer I spent writing the more that comes to might about what makes me unhappy. I keep going off on tangents. Ive already been writing for almost an hour.
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November 15, 2015
I asked Craig to come pick me up from Nick's place today. It is for the best. I walked away and probably should have a long time ago.
He made 2-3 passive aggressive comments about "if only the sex was good" over the weekend. He went to Kitchener with his dad to get a jeep and I stayed back to clean up and finally deal with these fucking posters of his. He came home and whined about wanting to relax and not help me take the pictures out of their frames. Instead he wanted to watch porn. Fine. I don't know how this guy can watch an hour of porn and not have his dick fall off. Nevertheless, when he was done he asked if I wanted to shower. In the shower he made another comment about sex and I asked if he held it against me that I was sick. He had a total melt down. And of course, me being me, I cried. Couldn't fucking ask a simple question. He left the shower and I finished and sat on the front step. Hoped he would come and find me to at least continue talking but I should have known better. I went down and said I didn't appreciate his reaction and he went off about how my implication that he held it against me was offensive and wouldn't hear a word I said. So I took my bag and left.
Sat on the step again and told him I was leaving after asking Craig to come get me. He didn't really seem to care. So I walked to tims to wait. Then he is texting me and apologizing. Said he wanted to watch porn with me and get involved and all this bullshit. If you wanted me to watch with you, you wouldn't keep turning me away. Don't give me this bullshit.
A very drawn out conversation that went nowhere. He wants me to see eye to eye about sex, well why don't you see it from my eyes? Why do I always have to try and reach your level? I don't think once he acknowledged his inadequacies at all, nor apologized for constantly berating and treating me like crap. You can't keep doing that and apologizing like it's ok. "I'm not perfect" is not a valid excuse.
He hasn't replied to me in 2.5 hours. Given the last few times I attempted to leave or went silent he was so persistent in chasing me, this is making me think maybe this time it really is over. I have muted his notifications anyway and turned off location sharing so he can't find me. Not that he would be all stalkery like that but it makes me feel better. I have the spare key so he can't come over whenever he wants.
Needless to say, I think mom is happy. I hadn't planned on telling her but she was still up when I got home.
I would rather be alone than in an abusive relationship. I deserve better.
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November 16, 2015
The screenshots say it all.
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December 13, 2015
I had a session with dr Monique this weekend. Even tho she isn't a therapist per se, it's been really good to talk to her about Nick and what's going on. I do believe I did the right thing and I'm really glad that everyone is backing me up and supporting me, especially since I feel so weak when it comes to him. I stuck around for longer than I would have because he said he loved me and I didn't want to lose that. But if he really did love me the way I want to be loved, he wouldn't have treated me so horribly in the first place.
He got in touch last week and said he was going to the gym and quit drinking and smoking. Good for him. I hope he keeps that up. I hope that he finds people to be social with too. He texted again this morning and said he wasn't doing well and that he is hurting. Well it's only fair, after all the hurt he inflicted on me.
I haven't responded because i don't know what to say. He wants to get together but I think that is a bad idea for me. It will either sucker me back in or just end in a fight again, neither of which I want. I can't go back because it wouldn't be the same. I would keep wondering if he was going to snap at any moment and I felt like I couldn't be myself. I didn't know at the time but I recognize it now looking back. I wasn't the same person when I was with him.
If I say all this it will just be hurtful to him. I don't want to inflict any unnecessary pain as much as it would get things off my chest. He isn't going to listen or acknowledge what I have to say anyway so what is the point?
It's tough at this time of year. I was so looking forward to having someone special for Xmas.
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December 23, 2015
I checked Nicks Facebook today and he unfriended me. It's for the best. I didn't do it initially because I really did think we would get back together one day and it felt so FINAL. He pulled the trigger in the last few days I guess because I didn't respond to his texts this week. I know he'll still be in touch; though he isn't tied to me by debt like with Sam the Ex, he will still reach out from time to time. I don't have anything to say because it won't make a difference.
The damage is done.
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March 9, 2016
I've been meaning to write this journal entry for a while but just haven't gotten around to it. Being up in the middle of the night with insomnia (okay, I went to sleep for a "nap" around 6 so it's really my own fault...) give me a good excuse to put some thoughts to paper.
About Nick...
I have gotten over it all finally. I'm still bitter and angry about everything - mostly with myself because if I hadn't let him treat me like shit or stuck around, it would never have gotten that bad. In hindsight, it was the romanticism that swept me away in the beginning and made me blind to all the red flags that I fucking noticed right off the bat but chose to ignore. I will never again ignore a red flag - they must be addressed immediately.
He reached out to me a week or so before my birthday with the whole song and dance about how he misses me and it's not the same with this new girl and he will break up with her and whatever. Yet I still haven't heard him acknowledge one way or the other about the abuse. I was hesitant to call it that in the beginning but no more. It was abuse. Plain and simple. It was the same old diatribe he's given me time and time again - woe is me, I"m so sad, I'm so hurt that's why I act this way, just give me one more chance, I've changed. Clearly not because there has been no accountability taken for all the times he made me feel shitty.
Thinking back, I should have spoken up more. When we went to the Foo Fighters at the Amp and Jack U at Echo Beach: making me feel unattractive because of my clothing choices (i.e. Not skin-tight or revealing). I should have said well, if you don't like it too fucking bad. I'm not going to dress a certain way to please you. Unless I'm wearing something completely obscene - which would never happen - who the hell are you to comment on what I'm wearing? And commenting on my running shoes. Why are you looking at my FEET?? And what I choose to work out in is none of your fucking business. I'm not going to the gym to feel sexy or to look sexy for you. I'm going to work out.
All the comments he made about my mom: I should have kicked him out at that point. My mom is a very chill person and she is a very good judge of character. She doesn't cause drama and she keeps her opinions to herself. She had some very choice words to keep to herself about Nick and it would have been way easier to kick him to the curb sooner if she'd spoken her mind but she isn't the kind of person to tell me what to do. Never has been. I thank her for that but at the same time, she clearly saw what mistakes I was making and didn't say anything.
About the drinking and smoking: I should have made myself clear in the beginning when I noticed the butts on his balcony in Meadowvale. Smoking is disgusting. If you want to keep that habit, do it on your own time not around me. And don't fucking lie to me about it either. I grew up with smokers for 18 years - you can't hide that shit. As soon as it started being an indoor habit I should have said something.
Comments on my driving: if you don't like it, you fucking drive. Comments about my friends: hey, at least I have friends.
Waking me up for sex in the middle of the night: I should have said no. Especially that night he got wasted and woke mom up at 4am falling down the stairs. What right do you have to come and wake me up and talk to me and try and have sex with me? Especially when you're fucking out of your mind drunk on MY ALCOHOL. What a fucking leech. All the times that he rolled over on top of me after a fight and I just let him and got next to no enjoyment out of it. I did myself a huge disservice and let him believe that it was alright.
He thought he was such a fantastic lover. I enjoyed sex with him but honestly, it wasn't the best. And both guys since him have been waaaaay better. Even in the beginning, he never really made it all about me. He didn't do much for me, now in hindsight. He didn't touch me enough or kiss me enough; he didn't bother with foreplay most of the time; it was the same thing over and over. Except when he was in his mood about making things "fun." I want to say he forced me to have sex with other people but I consented to it in the end. I definitely felt coerced and pressured, but I went through with it of my own volitition. It clearly wasn't on my terms - and it should have been. He was a master manipulator and I was too afraid to put my foot down - but for what? All the times he fought with me and said "you don't appreciated me, you'll miss me when I'm gone" and the thoughts "no I won't, I will be so glad to be rid of you" went through my head... I should have said them. It wasn't worth the damage.
I sincerely hope that he never contacts me again, though I know he will. I have to have the willpower to not respond because I know how the conversation is going to end. He won't ever admit completely to what he did and how he treated me so there isn't any point in communicating with him. And even if he did, it wouldn't change anything. I can't forgive him. It was almost like he took pleasure in making me cry and criticizing me. Being defiant and beligerant on purpose, for fun. I should just delete and block his number. I need to stop looking him up on Facebook - because then I just feel stupid and upset with myself. What did I even see in him in the first place?
6 months felt like years with Nick. It's been almost 3 months with Brendan and it's a completely different relationship - absolutely nothing is the same. And I really feel strongly for Brendan. I am certainly taking my time and he isn't pressing me into anything. We are both very go-with-the-flow and it's great. I have had the urge to say the L word but I am not going to. I don't believe I should wait until he says it first but I am so cautious. I want it be certain. And certain that he genuinely reflects my feelings back.
I'm really looking forward to our trip to QC. Nick and I never took a trip (unless you count camping or the Falls) and I'm glad for it. He gets along with my friends and they all really like him. More than I can say for Nick.
Dr Monique said we shouldn't call ourselves stupid but I really fell that way. I have seen enough movies and read enough books to recognize abusive behaviour. I know enough people who've had rough relationships and seen their mistakes. I am usually so quick to let go as soon as someone treats me like shit or gives me bullshit. But I let it all slide because I thought there were genuine feelings involved. Anyone who gives you an ultimatum to say I love you after 6 weeks is far from genuine. Plus I am was so tired of dating and being single I was willing to overlook the bullshit. I hate to think that I became one of those girls and was in a relationship just for the sake of it, because I didn't want to be alone. I would rather die alone than be in a relationship like that ever again. I am worth way more than that.
He never got me a gift of any kind, except for flowers. And only the first bunch were genuine. All the others were apologies. Fake apologies. And only because I asked for hearts and flowers. He never surprised me or put any effort to planning a fun date for us. I did most of the leg work - despite what he said. I planned the trip to Niagara on the Lake. He bought tickets for Tritonal but I made the dinner plans and where we'd park and everything. Then he blamed me for not making reservations. Sure he suggested a hotel - but only at the last minute. We planned our camping trip together but got mad about traffic and didn't really plan anything else - we stopped at Walmart on the way and winged everything else. I planned and executed our night at the ROM.
Brendan doesn't make me feel like I'm doing all the work. He doesn't surprise me either but he has equal input in our dates and has come up with suggestions of his own. We at least GO OUT and don't stay home all the time. I think it helps that we only see each other on the weekends - I have a chance to miss him. But then I feel like I need to see him all day every day I can. I am happy to be able to make my own plans and be able to invite him to friends' place and he'll actually want to go and will have fun doing it.
This has been cathartic. I feel content though I don't think I have complete closure. Days after Nick contacted me last there was a post on Facebook about advice for abusers and I wish to god that I had bookmarked it because I cannot for the life of me find it again. I should have sent it to him. He would have responded with some hurt woe is me bullshit but I would have felt like I got the last word and that I wasn't imagining the whole thing.
I hope that he really has changed. For the new girl's sake. No one deserves to be treated how he treated me. Thankfully, I guess, Brendan's last (major) relationship was similarly abusive so we understand each other. His was more passive aggressive than aggressive aggressive, but we have a mutual understanding that any kind of abusive is not okay. I'm glad for it. :)
I post these as a reminder to myself of how fucked up this were and to never repeat these mistakes again. I am so happy with Brendan now - he couldn't be more different than Nick. He makes me forget this dark period of my life - I can't believe it was only about 5 months ago.
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October 31, 2015
Another night, another fight.
He wants me to talk more about shit--not just anything, cuckolding--so I have made an effort to bring up that I want a threesome with a girl and I'm working on it. He seemed receptive... At least wasn't pissed that nothing was really happening. But when I said it's been 2 weeks since we've had sex he said that it shouldn't matter if we have a tthreesome or not, we should still be having sex. I agree. But we aren't. And of course it's my fault.
He said that I haven't done anything so that's why we haven't had sex. Last week he jacked off twice a day every day. Tonight I admit I was so tired from my day that I had no energy for sex but it's still nice to be shown that you're desired. He took my lube and went downstairs. Wouldn't even come back up to give me a kiss goodnight. If you are horny, wouldn't you much rather have sex with your lover? He calls me that but I don't feel like one.
He says that our sex life doesn't have to be all about cuckolding but I'm finding that isn't true. The last time we had sex was just after meeting kelvin. It was hot and really passionate but it lasted what felt like 5 mins, and he hasn't made a move to touch me since. Last weekend I was fucking half naked and plastered right up against him, stroking his back and shit but he wasn't into it. Or didn't get it. Do I have to explicitly ask for it?
So fuck you for saying i don't do anything. Fuck you for coming to bed and getting all close and licking my ear and then going ice cold when I turn around to engage you and your raging hard on. Fuck you for saying this isn't how you want your sex life to be. Wake up asshole--neither do I.
But god forbid I even say anything. You want me to talk and be open but how can I when you react badly to stuff that I know you're not going to like. The reason we have so many fights is not me--I don't instigate anything. But I can't speak my mind at all which is a problem. Every time it gets turned airing on me and I can't even get a word in. For once can you just shut up and listen to me and actually hear what I'm saying? I certainly don't feel like an equal partner.
It's always about what you're getting or not. When I say I'd like to have sex with you and have you actually participate instead of lying there like a dead fish, I'd like you to respect what I'm saying. Is it too much to ask? And I want some romantic fucking look you in the eye sex once in a while, some good old fashioned make outs and dry humping. Is that too much for you?
I hate myself for being so weak. I feel so starved for affection that as soon as I get a taste, I rip my clothes off. I don't want only lazy 4am sex that isn't enjoyable for me. I want to say no to that to show that it's not ok. He says I don't initiate things--well, half the time you say no so I really don't feel like opening up to that rejection, thanks. Or simply giving you a blowjob to get you off and get nothing in return.
And I swear if I hear one more time "you'll get what you deserve" again I'm going to scream. How vindictive.
I feel guilty for thinking this but I don't know if I even love him. I thought I did but I might just be caught up in the euphoria of having a relationship. I don't want to hang on because I'm afraid nothing else will come along. If I was hearing these stories from a friend about how he treats me, I'd say dump then fucker. So why am I putting myself through this? Is it worth it?
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November 13, 2015
So we are trying to sleep and you apologize for being such a fucking beast all evening and for shouting at me over my phone. It is appreciated. However it all gets wiped out when you harp about me pulling on MY pillow to get comfortable and coughing (sorry I'm sick have some sympathy). Um, what the fuck? You have your own so sleep on that. And can you please STOP SLEEPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED? I would like some personal space sometimes between me and your fucking dragon breathing. If you can't fall asleep in an hour then it's not going to happen. Give it up. I have. I also have fucking heart burn thanks to eating at goddamn 930pm, thanks so much. Not to mention you fucked up my workout. How embarrassing to be paged to the front like a lost child. Open your fucking eyes--how hard did you really look for me? It's not like the place is that big or was that busy. I know your training is half an hour. It wasn't even 9 yet so calm the fuck down. You go on about me fucking with your mojo and throwing you off at the gym; well, thank you so much for giving me a firsthand experience.
I am in such a foul mood now. What is your fucking problem that you have to be such an asshole about me QUIELTY getting out of bed? If I woke you up that easily you weren't asleep in the first place. And how do you think I feel when you flick on the lights in BROAD DAYLIGHT for no goddamn reason and leave doors and shit open when I'm trying to sleep? Thanks for taking care of me.
Why is it always about you? You ask me why I always follow your lead and never take charge. Maybe this is why. Because you are a fucking baby and asshole when you don't get your way. I do deserve equal say in things. And thank you for fucking trusting me to make something delicious and healthy for dinner. And fuck you and your hate on for coconut milk. Get over yourself. Come and talk to me about healthy when you quit smoking.
The storm outside is fueling my rage. This wind is insane. I'm glad you're finally asleep--I guess because you haven't come to find me yet. But at the same time can you please examine your own behaviour and make some changes? Get your fucking temper sorted out and stop lashing out at me for no good reason. If you hate going to the gym so much, don't go! Stop taking out your frustrations on me: it's not my fault. I'm not making you go.
I do feel better after venting. I wish I had the courage to say these things to you. But you would just get mad and grouchy and throw a fit. You say if I were to bring up issues to you you would listen (eventually) but I don't believe you.
And did I hear you say "I need to cum" tonight? I can't remember if I dreamed it or if it was real. I think it was real, and I said I'd take care of it (as always). And then came back to bed and you didn't want me to touch you. "I need to sleep." Yeah well, me too. I'm sorry, do you have to wake up at 6? Oh wait, no, that's me. You had better not moan at me about not taking the lead with sex. Yeah If you hadn't made that comment then I probably wouldn't have done anything even though it was on my mind.
It's not right that I get these anxious feeling when we haven't had sex all week. I know you're going to throw a fit on the weekend. Do you want me to force you when you are tired? Pretty sure that's called rape. How many nights have you kept me awake when I've told you that I need to sleep? More than is fair in any fucking lifetime. And did I say anything to you about waking me up repeatedly last night? No. Did you say anything to me at all about it when I mentioned I kept waking up? No. Because I don't need to pick a stupid meaningless fight with you (because that's what is inevitably going to happen) and you are a selfish asshole.
I can't believe how many double standards I'm putting up with in this relationship. What is wrong with me? Why would I want to be with someone who gets so furious over my phone being on silent? You're coming home and you know where I am -- you know that I'm cooking for christs sake -- so just come in the goddamn house when you get home. I don't deserve to be yelled at over the phone. And if your ego is so fragile then you need to take care of it and stop taking it out on me. If you had said you wanted to leave as soon as you got home then I would have been ready but that was never made explicit.
There's another double standard -- you insist that I be more explicit when I talk and give you information but I'm supposed to be a mind reader and infer things from you all the time. How am I supposed to know that you wanted to go straight away? You can't even spare 5 mins to come in the fucking house? Your time is so precious?
Honestly this makes me want to leave you. So many stupid little things get under your skin. What a waste of energy. I can't imagine having kids with someone with such a temper. There is no way in hell you will ever talk to me in such a way in front of our kid. You can say goodbye to both of us. I just keep playing that in my head everytime you have a meltdown. Do you wonder why I cry all the time? I'm certainly not making myself weep.
I really need to stop. The longer I spent writing the more that comes to might about what makes me unhappy. I keep going off on tangents. Ive already been writing for almost an hour.
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November 15, 2015
I asked Craig to come pick me up from Nick's place today. It is for the best. I walked away and probably should have a long time ago.
He made 2-3 passive aggressive comments about "if only the sex was good" over the weekend. He went to Kitchener with his dad to get a jeep and I stayed back to clean up and finally deal with these fucking posters of his. He came home and whined about wanting to relax and not help me take the pictures out of their frames. Instead he wanted to watch porn. Fine. I don't know how this guy can watch an hour of porn and not have his dick fall off. Nevertheless, when he was done he asked if I wanted to shower. In the shower he made another comment about sex and I asked if he held it against me that I was sick. He had a total melt down. And of course, me being me, I cried. Couldn't fucking ask a simple question. He left the shower and I finished and sat on the front step. Hoped he would come and find me to at least continue talking but I should have known better. I went down and said I didn't appreciate his reaction and he went off about how my implication that he held it against me was offensive and wouldn't hear a word I said. So I took my bag and left.
Sat on the step again and told him I was leaving after asking Craig to come get me. He didn't really seem to care. So I walked to tims to wait. Then he is texting me and apologizing. Said he wanted to watch porn with me and get involved and all this bullshit. If you wanted me to watch with you, you wouldn't keep turning me away. Don't give me this bullshit.
A very drawn out conversation that went nowhere. He wants me to see eye to eye about sex, well why don't you see it from my eyes? Why do I always have to try and reach your level? I don't think once he acknowledged his inadequacies at all, nor apologized for constantly berating and treating me like crap. You can't keep doing that and apologizing like it's ok. "I'm not perfect" is not a valid excuse.
He hasn't replied to me in 2.5 hours. Given the last few times I attempted to leave or went silent he was so persistent in chasing me, this is making me think maybe this time it really is over. I have muted his notifications anyway and turned off location sharing so he can't find me. Not that he would be all stalkery like that but it makes me feel better. I have the spare key so he can't come over whenever he wants.
Needless to say, I think mom is happy. I hadn't planned on telling her but she was still up when I got home.
I would rather be alone than in an abusive relationship. I deserve better.
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November 16, 2015
The screenshots say it all.
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December 13, 2015
I had a session with dr Monique this weekend. Even tho she isn't a therapist per se, it's been really good to talk to her about Nick and what's going on. I do believe I did the right thing and I'm really glad that everyone is backing me up and supporting me, especially since I feel so weak when it comes to him. I stuck around for longer than I would have because he said he loved me and I didn't want to lose that. But if he really did love me the way I want to be loved, he wouldn't have treated me so horribly in the first place.
He got in touch last week and said he was going to the gym and quit drinking and smoking. Good for him. I hope he keeps that up. I hope that he finds people to be social with too. He texted again this morning and said he wasn't doing well and that he is hurting. Well it's only fair, after all the hurt he inflicted on me.
I haven't responded because i don't know what to say. He wants to get together but I think that is a bad idea for me. It will either sucker me back in or just end in a fight again, neither of which I want. I can't go back because it wouldn't be the same. I would keep wondering if he was going to snap at any moment and I felt like I couldn't be myself. I didn't know at the time but I recognize it now looking back. I wasn't the same person when I was with him.
If I say all this it will just be hurtful to him. I don't want to inflict any unnecessary pain as much as it would get things off my chest. He isn't going to listen or acknowledge what I have to say anyway so what is the point?
It's tough at this time of year. I was so looking forward to having someone special for Xmas.
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December 23, 2015
I checked Nicks Facebook today and he unfriended me. It's for the best. I didn't do it initially because I really did think we would get back together one day and it felt so FINAL. He pulled the trigger in the last few days I guess because I didn't respond to his texts this week. I know he'll still be in touch; though he isn't tied to me by debt like with Sam the Ex, he will still reach out from time to time. I don't have anything to say because it won't make a difference.
The damage is done.
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March 9, 2016
I've been meaning to write this journal entry for a while but just haven't gotten around to it. Being up in the middle of the night with insomnia (okay, I went to sleep for a "nap" around 6 so it's really my own fault...) give me a good excuse to put some thoughts to paper.
About Nick...
I have gotten over it all finally. I'm still bitter and angry about everything - mostly with myself because if I hadn't let him treat me like shit or stuck around, it would never have gotten that bad. In hindsight, it was the romanticism that swept me away in the beginning and made me blind to all the red flags that I fucking noticed right off the bat but chose to ignore. I will never again ignore a red flag - they must be addressed immediately.
He reached out to me a week or so before my birthday with the whole song and dance about how he misses me and it's not the same with this new girl and he will break up with her and whatever. Yet I still haven't heard him acknowledge one way or the other about the abuse. I was hesitant to call it that in the beginning but no more. It was abuse. Plain and simple. It was the same old diatribe he's given me time and time again - woe is me, I"m so sad, I'm so hurt that's why I act this way, just give me one more chance, I've changed. Clearly not because there has been no accountability taken for all the times he made me feel shitty.
Thinking back, I should have spoken up more. When we went to the Foo Fighters at the Amp and Jack U at Echo Beach: making me feel unattractive because of my clothing choices (i.e. Not skin-tight or revealing). I should have said well, if you don't like it too fucking bad. I'm not going to dress a certain way to please you. Unless I'm wearing something completely obscene - which would never happen - who the hell are you to comment on what I'm wearing? And commenting on my running shoes. Why are you looking at my FEET?? And what I choose to work out in is none of your fucking business. I'm not going to the gym to feel sexy or to look sexy for you. I'm going to work out.
All the comments he made about my mom: I should have kicked him out at that point. My mom is a very chill person and she is a very good judge of character. She doesn't cause drama and she keeps her opinions to herself. She had some very choice words to keep to herself about Nick and it would have been way easier to kick him to the curb sooner if she'd spoken her mind but she isn't the kind of person to tell me what to do. Never has been. I thank her for that but at the same time, she clearly saw what mistakes I was making and didn't say anything.
About the drinking and smoking: I should have made myself clear in the beginning when I noticed the butts on his balcony in Meadowvale. Smoking is disgusting. If you want to keep that habit, do it on your own time not around me. And don't fucking lie to me about it either. I grew up with smokers for 18 years - you can't hide that shit. As soon as it started being an indoor habit I should have said something.
Comments on my driving: if you don't like it, you fucking drive. Comments about my friends: hey, at least I have friends.
Waking me up for sex in the middle of the night: I should have said no. Especially that night he got wasted and woke mom up at 4am falling down the stairs. What right do you have to come and wake me up and talk to me and try and have sex with me? Especially when you're fucking out of your mind drunk on MY ALCOHOL. What a fucking leech. All the times that he rolled over on top of me after a fight and I just let him and got next to no enjoyment out of it. I did myself a huge disservice and let him believe that it was alright.
He thought he was such a fantastic lover. I enjoyed sex with him but honestly, it wasn't the best. And both guys since him have been waaaaay better. Even in the beginning, he never really made it all about me. He didn't do much for me, now in hindsight. He didn't touch me enough or kiss me enough; he didn't bother with foreplay most of the time; it was the same thing over and over. Except when he was in his mood about making things "fun." I want to say he forced me to have sex with other people but I consented to it in the end. I definitely felt coerced and pressured, but I went through with it of my own volitition. It clearly wasn't on my terms - and it should have been. He was a master manipulator and I was too afraid to put my foot down - but for what? All the times he fought with me and said "you don't appreciated me, you'll miss me when I'm gone" and the thoughts "no I won't, I will be so glad to be rid of you" went through my head... I should have said them. It wasn't worth the damage.
I sincerely hope that he never contacts me again, though I know he will. I have to have the willpower to not respond because I know how the conversation is going to end. He won't ever admit completely to what he did and how he treated me so there isn't any point in communicating with him. And even if he did, it wouldn't change anything. I can't forgive him. It was almost like he took pleasure in making me cry and criticizing me. Being defiant and beligerant on purpose, for fun. I should just delete and block his number. I need to stop looking him up on Facebook - because then I just feel stupid and upset with myself. What did I even see in him in the first place?
6 months felt like years with Nick. It's been almost 3 months with Brendan and it's a completely different relationship - absolutely nothing is the same. And I really feel strongly for Brendan. I am certainly taking my time and he isn't pressing me into anything. We are both very go-with-the-flow and it's great. I have had the urge to say the L word but I am not going to. I don't believe I should wait until he says it first but I am so cautious. I want it be certain. And certain that he genuinely reflects my feelings back.
I'm really looking forward to our trip to QC. Nick and I never took a trip (unless you count camping or the Falls) and I'm glad for it. He gets along with my friends and they all really like him. More than I can say for Nick.
Dr Monique said we shouldn't call ourselves stupid but I really fell that way. I have seen enough movies and read enough books to recognize abusive behaviour. I know enough people who've had rough relationships and seen their mistakes. I am usually so quick to let go as soon as someone treats me like shit or gives me bullshit. But I let it all slide because I thought there were genuine feelings involved. Anyone who gives you an ultimatum to say I love you after 6 weeks is far from genuine. Plus I am was so tired of dating and being single I was willing to overlook the bullshit. I hate to think that I became one of those girls and was in a relationship just for the sake of it, because I didn't want to be alone. I would rather die alone than be in a relationship like that ever again. I am worth way more than that.
He never got me a gift of any kind, except for flowers. And only the first bunch were genuine. All the others were apologies. Fake apologies. And only because I asked for hearts and flowers. He never surprised me or put any effort to planning a fun date for us. I did most of the leg work - despite what he said. I planned the trip to Niagara on the Lake. He bought tickets for Tritonal but I made the dinner plans and where we'd park and everything. Then he blamed me for not making reservations. Sure he suggested a hotel - but only at the last minute. We planned our camping trip together but got mad about traffic and didn't really plan anything else - we stopped at Walmart on the way and winged everything else. I planned and executed our night at the ROM.
Brendan doesn't make me feel like I'm doing all the work. He doesn't surprise me either but he has equal input in our dates and has come up with suggestions of his own. We at least GO OUT and don't stay home all the time. I think it helps that we only see each other on the weekends - I have a chance to miss him. But then I feel like I need to see him all day every day I can. I am happy to be able to make my own plans and be able to invite him to friends' place and he'll actually want to go and will have fun doing it.
This has been cathartic. I feel content though I don't think I have complete closure. Days after Nick contacted me last there was a post on Facebook about advice for abusers and I wish to god that I had bookmarked it because I cannot for the life of me find it again. I should have sent it to him. He would have responded with some hurt woe is me bullshit but I would have felt like I got the last word and that I wasn't imagining the whole thing.
I hope that he really has changed. For the new girl's sake. No one deserves to be treated how he treated me. Thankfully, I guess, Brendan's last (major) relationship was similarly abusive so we understand each other. His was more passive aggressive than aggressive aggressive, but we have a mutual understanding that any kind of abusive is not okay. I'm glad for it. :)