/Goodnight Grandma
Love and Legacy has no boundaries.
Like tree rings expanding, we learn about our past and carry on through our children, grandchildren and greatchildren
Losing a loved one who has been the center of your life since you were born is a tough reality to handle.
Blood is always thicker than water but even water can be thickened with some love and makes you blood.
That’s how Grandma Arlene made you feel.
Arlene was a friend, daughter, sister, wife (3x), sister in law, aunt, mother, grandmother and great grandmother.
She was a cookbook author and an artist. A Girl Scout, traveler, adventurer, who loved being by the water.
The first time I met her was on September 20th and if you wonder how I remember it’s because it was my wedding day.
I know it probably seems like the strangest and most unideal way to meet a family member that meant the world to your partner. However there was so much that happened between and in the time of our wedding I never really had a chance to meet her and Bert prior to that.
It was a reunion of sorts for Eric and Arlene but a joyful one. And thus began a fruitful relationship that one can describe as loving, nurturing and special. For any family who knew both within and outside, said that Eric had a special bond with her. And I can tell right away. Arlene loved traveling and she and Eric went on many trips together. Her favorite place was always by water. Sharing that love with Brad and Eric was her happy place.
I never had any grandparent growing up. They were all deceased before I was born except my Grandma Chin in Hong Kong. So having someone like Arlene allowed me know and understand what having a grandparent was like.
Arlene treated me as an equal as her own granddaughter and she loved me as her own granddaughter. And she made sure I knew that. She called me her grandchild and always said love you. I remember just after our wedding she called Eric and she told him how much she and Bert loved me and how I was a wonderful addition to the family. And despite just knowing me for the afternoon, she sensed that I was special and special enough to be with her only grandson.
Overtime I became closer to her and would visit often with and without Eric. Especially when I had concerts in the area. I was visiting with her probably a dozen times from Christmas until her birthday. And during one month she saw me once a week or sometimes twice. And when I would leave she made me a to go lunch and whenever I said you didn’t have to do that she said “That’s what grandma’s do.” With a smile. And it always brought tears to me because that’s truly who she was.
Her best birthday present ever was the year her great granddaughter Lilly was born. We purposely didn’t tell her that we were going to the hospital on her birthday so we can have her. She felt it awfully odd that we didn’t wis she a happy birthday. Bert knew but she wasn’t aware and he didn’t say anything. She was worried. But when she was born Eric called her and said “Happy Birthday, Lilly officially came to the world and is your present.” And she was so excited because she was able to share a special day with her since their birthdays were back to back. And every year they would celebrate their days together for 10 years.
Over the years after my father passed we would help her out a lot and when she was in need of care we would be there for her and Bert. We spend a lot of nights caring for them both. Even with the pandemic being difficult we all tried our best.
In the past year, we knew our time was going to be limited and even with the global chaos we all did what we could. I wanted to make sure I could capture special photos of her with emotions that can tell a story without it having to be said in words.
When Arlene went into the hospital in April we came to visit her that night just to see her even if it was only for 10 mins. It was like we just needed to be there. She woke up and saw Eric in the doorway and she hi to him. And the next morning she called to ask if we spent the night at the house and she thought she had a dream we were there and I said no we were there. It meant so much that we came down. When we came to visit a couple of days later, she asked Eric to sit next to her and hold her hand. I gave them two hours alone with her as they talked and shared memories they both brought up and forgot about and had laughter. Whatever it was, that calmed her down and gave her peace and love.
We later learned that the antique prize winning double peonies we own are actually from Eric’s great great grandfather’s nursery. When I told her the story that was published and mentioned the name Julius Van Steen her eye lit up. And she started to tell me the story. I told her when they are perfect bloom I would bring some down, despite not being a fan of cut flowers. But these were special family flowers that connected the history of our house to her family. And I drove down one day just to deliver them to her in a special case. And I remember saying to me. “Did you have a lecture today?” And I said “nope I’m off I just drove down just bring you things so you can enjoy them.” She was so happy that I was thoughtful enough to take the time out for a short visit with a long drive. But in my eyes, it was worth it and to share something that was so special that we had, that the Cary house also had.
My last visit with her was in hospice and I held her hand and we talked and the first person she asked for was Eric. Although he wasn’t with me, Before I left I told her, all I want for my birthday is to talk to you on the phone. And so I called her and said it’s good to hear your voice and then said I love you.
Arlene lead a fruitful life. She had three husbands: Buck, Bert and Carl. Two boys : Brad and Todd. Two grandchildren : Eric and Nicole and Three Great Grandchildren : Liea, Rowan and Lilly. When Brad had his children they lived at the Cary house. Eric and Nicole grew up with the memories of that house and all the amazing things that their grandfather and Bruce built. And through the years, Arlene’s greatest gift was being a grandmother. And she raised them as her own. When Leia, Rowan and Lilly was born, being a great grandmother was another gift. She always said to me, she is so lucky to be a great grandmother and what it meant to see them grow up. She requested monthly of not twice a month visits with Lilly to see her grow up and bond with her. And it took a while and when they clicked it was like the perfect bond, much like with Eric. They would water plants together, have tea parties and watch movies. She loved the sound of a baby in the house.
In the past year she began to give Lilly some of her clothes as she said “I’m shrinking and Lilly is growing.” Lilly loved wearing her clothes, especially those Birkenstock’s.
And everything she shared with her from cards, artwork and jewelry. It is a meaningful way for her to always remember how special Arlene was.
And I cherish every moment of the 13 years I had with her because those are the memories I can continue to remind Lilly of who she is as she gets older and asks questions.
Because at the end of the day, Arlene’s legacy will live on with Leia, Rowan and Lilly. And all the stories and memories and special things that she kept as momentos for them are for us as parents to share with them. So we can continue her legacy so that when they have children of their own, they share it with them.
Arlene’s life was a like a tree ring. She was our center and as she loved her life. She became larger than itself. And she was a little lady with a big heart and a lot of love and she was always fair with all her friends and loved ones.
… with very soft hands (I’ll say).
I’m creating her memorial poster, as she requested, I wanted to use the inspiration of the tree rings. Her final masterpiece of everything past, present and future of her life. The beautiful dresser where she would wake everyone morning see Lilly on the bath salts and the photo of her and Eric taken the day after her 85th last year. With her in the center. The past with her family and husbands, the present everyone whom she loved and was loved in return and her future, the grandchildren and great grandchildren. And at the bottom right, she signed her last masterpiece of everything she touched.
As we said goodbye to her over the weekend, we will all carry a piece of her in our heart and no matter what time of year, memory holds for itself, she will always be with us.
I am sure she is at the ocean, wading in the water and looking for shells.
I can hear her say, even now
“I feel your presence.”