Sorry if I'm talkin in circles, Speech patterns mimicing the way my head's still spinnin..
Ugh, what can I say..
One thing over the next I suppose. Im grumpy, sad, walking on eggshells, anxious,pissed off, fighting with people I dont know, scared for ones that I do know and this constant lonliness is mind numbing. Ghosts are everywhere floating just beyond reach, but I can hear them breathing on the other end of the fone so I know they're really there.. I feel as tho Im pulling my hair out, on autopilot, crying in tundrels, laughing at things that just are not funny and not laughing at things that should be.. I cant sleep, food makes me want to gag, Im a walking zombie most days and speaking on days of the week, half the time I dont even know what the fuck day it is. But god damn it, I keep trying.. One foot over the other even tho I seem to keep bumping into things.. And guilt for all of this consumes me. Dont ask me why.. Questions are out of the question at the moment. Stop looking at me like I have three eyes.. I need a hug, a hand, encouragement, a shoulder to lean on, a friend, a lover, a stiff drink (or maybe more than ONE), a sympathetic smile, a good fuck and a half decent day and maybe a betterer punching bag cause mine is about worn right in the middle about now.. Which pretty much fits anyway as I feel pretty damn worn out right..... about..... there...
Dont let anyone fool you, grief is a strange mother fucker... Just when you think its getting better some other banshee demon comes screaming out of the woodwork in the middle of the night to give you yet another heart attack and make you gasp out of a nightmare you were positive you were having but can't quite remember what it was now except for the sweat on your brow and shadowy memories of a hidieous tuna fish sandwich eyeballing you on the kitchen counter.. ~shudder~ Im *convinced* it moved.. My nights are nightmares all on their own. And when Im able to catch my breath for a second, no a third time... I seem to check on my son a gigabijillion times in the night just to make sure he's still breathing.
Why can't people shut up? Why cant people not shut up? Why can't people realise that even tho I smile at you Im really thinking "When will you leave me?" My trust in people has always been very sparce, but now its at an all time low..
So mind you if Im a bitch right now, I really dont care.. Im looking out for myself and my own. If you can't realise what I'm going through right now, fuck you twice over and crocked.. Actually, thinking of that, that kind of sounds fun.. Whatever I'm sad.. Deal with it or Dont
One thing over the next I suppose. Im grumpy, sad, walking on eggshells, anxious,pissed off, fighting with people I dont know, scared for ones that I do know and this constant lonliness is mind numbing. Ghosts are everywhere floating just beyond reach, but I can hear them breathing on the other end of the fone so I know they're really there.. I feel as tho Im pulling my hair out, on autopilot, crying in tundrels, laughing at things that just are not funny and not laughing at things that should be.. I cant sleep, food makes me want to gag, Im a walking zombie most days and speaking on days of the week, half the time I dont even know what the fuck day it is. But god damn it, I keep trying.. One foot over the other even tho I seem to keep bumping into things.. And guilt for all of this consumes me. Dont ask me why.. Questions are out of the question at the moment. Stop looking at me like I have three eyes.. I need a hug, a hand, encouragement, a shoulder to lean on, a friend, a lover, a stiff drink (or maybe more than ONE), a sympathetic smile, a good fuck and a half decent day and maybe a betterer punching bag cause mine is about worn right in the middle about now.. Which pretty much fits anyway as I feel pretty damn worn out right..... about..... there...
Dont let anyone fool you, grief is a strange mother fucker... Just when you think its getting better some other banshee demon comes screaming out of the woodwork in the middle of the night to give you yet another heart attack and make you gasp out of a nightmare you were positive you were having but can't quite remember what it was now except for the sweat on your brow and shadowy memories of a hidieous tuna fish sandwich eyeballing you on the kitchen counter.. ~shudder~ Im *convinced* it moved.. My nights are nightmares all on their own. And when Im able to catch my breath for a second, no a third time... I seem to check on my son a gigabijillion times in the night just to make sure he's still breathing.
Why can't people shut up? Why cant people not shut up? Why can't people realise that even tho I smile at you Im really thinking "When will you leave me?" My trust in people has always been very sparce, but now its at an all time low..
So mind you if Im a bitch right now, I really dont care.. Im looking out for myself and my own. If you can't realise what I'm going through right now, fuck you twice over and crocked.. Actually, thinking of that, that kind of sounds fun.. Whatever I'm sad.. Deal with it or Dont