in other news, how was the play?
So, I am a tool and went to see Twilight. I actually really, really liked it.
It was so much fun. That's the point. It's fun.
Which means I got bored and reviewed it.
TWILIGHT: the awkward movie review
intro:
DEER! THERE'S A DEER AND SOMETHING'S CHASING IT OMG OMG OMG IS IT... is it Edward?!
Probably.
GRAND SWEEPING... er, no. It's Arizona. And Bella's got a cactus. Fuck. Bella's talking about death again. AGAIN. You fall for a vampire, woman, save death talk for premarital vamping! Bella gets a cactus, is selfless and self-sacrificing. Goes to Forks.
Charlie and Bella are awkward. (note: this is a recurring theme. I have never seen a movie do awkward better)
There's an awkward "other vampires hunting people" montage. Ignore it. SMeyer threw it in at the last moment, THAT SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE MOOOVIE! Er. Nevermind.
School! We're gonna skip Bella bitching about the one bathroom and the awkward "do you like purple" conversation to throw Ms. Tempt Death By Sparkles into Forks High.
Jacob appears. GIRLS SQUEAL, Jesus, they're loud in the theater. He awkwards it up. What is it with everyone and awkward in this movie? Flirt. Flirt. Bella has a truck. An awkward. Orange. Truck.
I'm beginning to hate the word "awkward."
Mneh.
WTF did they do to Eric, btw? I didn't realize that he was quite so metro-fabulous. Ah, well, he's adorable. He flutters around Bella. EVERYONE FLUTTERS AROUND BELLA. She is apparently front page news. Editoriaaal, baby. Or not. Bells flips about that.
LUNCH! Bella is led off by Angie and JJ to describe eeeveryone. Then the Cullens come in and their gossip time is derailed. Bells MUST KNOW!!11eleventy. God, Alice is gorgeous. I should probably not be focusing on the girls.
"The one who looks like he's in pain all the time? That's Jasper."
Oh, fictional JJ. I LOVE YOU. But less than I love Alice.
Bio time! They go to biology class. Mike's ecstatic. Bella steps in front of a fan and EDWARD LOSES IT. And promptly shoots Bella the most amusing "oh fuck food? FOOD! food? no, not food" look I've seen in my life. It could also be called "I feel sick" or "I'm about to vomit." I prefer to liken it to a dog running up to you and going "PLAY?! PLAY? play? ... no play?"
So, Bio is awkward. Edward and Bella work this awkward thing a lot. She goes home and angsts to her mother about how this boy was sooo meaaan and omgomgomg. Her mom loses her cell phone charger. Huh.
I'm going to skip ahead, if you don't mind.
A guy was found dead, by the way. "Animal attack." Uh-huh. We believe that. THANK YOU, CHardwicke, for throwing in the James'n'Vicki clan earlier. Page 372 just doesn't cut it for me in the book.
Edward beautifuls it up. Girls in the crowd are swooning. Uh-huh.
There's a weird field trip to a green house scene. They make compost coffee and people try to drink it. Edward is creepy to Bella and insists that she go away. Oh, well.
Alice is super-nice. MY GOD, YOU ARE ADORABLE. I love your clairvoyant vampire friendliness.
There's a truck. Oh, there's a van, I mean. Van v Bella Swan/Edward Cullen! Wasn't Bells supposed to hit her head? Instead, it only looks like Edward gets to cop a feel and destroy a van before flipping out and sending her to the hospital where OH MY GOD CARLISLE. You are just pasty and preeecious! I really wish they finished his makeup down his neck in this scene-- the flesh tones are distracting.
Carlisle charms. CARLISLE DAZZLES, I'm sorry, he dazzles. Then there is an awkward family talk in the hallway. Damn.
Bells thanks Edward.
Skipping ahead now! It's been a few days, I'm all out of sorts. Bells gets asked to prom, turns people down to go to Florida or Seattle or something. UNFORTUNATE GIRL MAKES EXCUSES TO NOT DATE ERIC AND MIKE: front page news!
Edward is happy. Oh, my. Edward is happy. This movie cut out hundreds of pages of Edward BROODING and SULKING and DAZZLING in favor of Edward SMILING and LAUGHING and copping a feel FLIRTING.
They go to La Push, Edward declines, Jacob flirts and tries to warn Bells about the Cullens Cold Ones.
Epic. She goes to Port Angeles with Fictional JJ and Angie-boo to ignore them watch them try on dresses. She ditches them in favor of getting a book and then almost getting raped. Sliiick, girl. Slick.
Edward saves the day, takes her out to dinner, says, "'sup, I read minds." Bells doesn't care.
Best scene ever:
Isabella Swan: Look, You gotta give me some answers.
Edward Cullen: Yes... No... To get to the other side... 1.772...
Isabella Swan: I don't need the square root of pi.
Followed by:
Edward: I can tell you what everyone in the room is thinking. Sex, money, sex, money, money, sex, cats.
ILU.
Anyway. They drive. There's bitching.
More people die-- Charlie's best bud. Aw. Damn. He's sad now and Carlisle is just faaabulous walking out and jacking Edward to just downgrade the AWKWARD.
(fucking awkward, I thought that I was done with yooou)
ONWARD, brave and gentle soldiers!
There's the scene where Edward knows that Bella knows. YAY. Oh. And sparkles. It looks like he has sparkle lotion on rather than diamonds. Oh, well. WE HAVE SPARKLEPIRE!
Everyone sparkles. Christ. Sparkles as a function of ADONIS SEXABILITY-- er, thank God we also lose the four thousand scenes of:
Edward: *broods*
Bella: OMG YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!
Edward: I'm evil.
Bella: SO BEAUTIIIFUUUUUULLL I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO SUCK MY BLOOD!
Anyway. Bells is in love, Edward is in love, they are stupid lions and lambs. I still like that line. Everyone loves everyone.
THEY HAVE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A WEEK OR THREE, PEOPLE.
Oh, I forgot. Edward snuck into her room previously. She thought she saw him. The stalking. THE STALKING. I have yet to appreciate how creepy Edward is until this scene. I mean, I knew he was a bipolar, stalkity STALKER that just fucked with Bella. But this scene. WHAT THE FUCK. We have curled, moaning Bella. She dreams! THEN WE HAVE EDWARD LURKING IN THE CORNER. This will haunt me.
Mneh. We must move on bravely, for BELLA MEETS THE CULLENS!
They attempt to cook and it is ADORABLE. Bells must be Italian! But she already ate. Damnit. Rosalie throws a hissy fit and breaks the salad bowl. This is why we can't have nice things! Esme is sweet.
And IN WALKS MY GIRL: Alice and Jasper apparently spend their time walking on trees barefoot. Savin' money on those shoes, hm? Alice is sweeter than Esme and proceeds to refuse to speak to Bella in present tense:
Alice Cullen: Oh, you do smell good.
Edward Cullen: Alice, what are you-?
Alice Cullen: It's okay. Bella and I are going to be great friends.
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Sorry, Jasper's our newest vegetarian. It's still a little difficult for him.
Jasper Hale: Pleasure to meet you.
Alice Cullen: It's okay Jasper, you won't hurt her.
Edward Cullen: Alright, I'm going to take her on a tour of the rest of the house.
Alice Cullen: Well, I'll see you soon.
Isabella Swan: Okay.
AWW!
Plot, plot, plot. Edward and Bella stare soulfully at each other, Alice is just PRECIOUS.
Charlie meets Edward while cleaning a shotgun. BEST DAD SCENE EVER.
Worst thought: the shotgun will not do much good.
I'm skipping to baseball. It's freaking awesome. ALICE WINS AGAIN AT THROWING AND DANCING AND EVERYTHING BUT BEING ALIVE.
Because she isn't, really.
Oh, Alice.
Anyway. Alice pitches, the rest of the group is fantastic and creates loud thunderclaps whilst they play. Edward divetackles Emmett at least once. James'n'Vicki'n'co show up and ruin the fun.
JAMES IS HUNTIN' BELLA! Oooh. Edward fucks up and lets James know that Bella matters. Bad, bad sparkle boyfriend.
Bells is a bitch to her dad to get the hell out of dodge. Edward insists that Charlie will forgive Bells, but WILL CHARLIE'S MUSTACHE?
God, the look on that guy's face broke my heart.
Emmett scares them. Whoo-hoo.
THEY GETS TO THA ARIZONA THAR. Alice and Jasper take her. Jasper is freaking adorable, Alice is fantastic until we all realize: JAMES DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT ROSALIE = ISABELLA.
Close, but not quite. One is an Edward-obsessed idiot. The other is a baby-obsessed bitch. DIFFERENT.
Alice points this out and draws a ballet studio at SUPER SPEED... and then promptly leaves Bella-boo alone. She had to have known.
Jasper looks confused, Bella believes James.... we all know what happens here. Bells gets jacked by James, beaten, and then Edward jumps on James and gets thrown, artfully, into mirrors.
Damn.
While Carlisle and Edward fight to save Bella, because James bit her, Alice SAVES THE DAY AGAIN by being TINY AND BADASS and snapping James' neck before they burn him. Christ. I'm kind of frightened.
Edward nearly kills Bells because she is just soooo deliiicioooous... like cake. BELLA EQUALS CAKE.
(cakey!)
Bella is in the hospital. Oh, no. She also insists on being with Edward in Forks because OH MY GOD HE IS-- Edward. He is sparkly.
Yes.
Blah blah blah prom. Blah blah blah omg ilu ilu Edward! i luv u bells! omg. Prom is amazing, mind you. So much better than the book.
Fictional JJ and Angie are pleased as punch to be so fab.
I really adore this end scene. Nibbles on the neck, KISSES OMG and then Victoria is TOTALLY SAD AND... at... prom?!
It was so much fun. That's the point. It's fun.
Which means I got bored and reviewed it.
TWILIGHT: the awkward movie review
intro:
DEER! THERE'S A DEER AND SOMETHING'S CHASING IT OMG OMG OMG IS IT... is it Edward?!
Probably.
GRAND SWEEPING... er, no. It's Arizona. And Bella's got a cactus. Fuck. Bella's talking about death again. AGAIN. You fall for a vampire, woman, save death talk for premarital vamping! Bella gets a cactus, is selfless and self-sacrificing. Goes to Forks.
Charlie and Bella are awkward. (note: this is a recurring theme. I have never seen a movie do awkward better)
There's an awkward "other vampires hunting people" montage. Ignore it. SMeyer threw it in at the last moment, THAT SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE MOOOVIE! Er. Nevermind.
School! We're gonna skip Bella bitching about the one bathroom and the awkward "do you like purple" conversation to throw Ms. Tempt Death By Sparkles into Forks High.
Jacob appears. GIRLS SQUEAL, Jesus, they're loud in the theater. He awkwards it up. What is it with everyone and awkward in this movie? Flirt. Flirt. Bella has a truck. An awkward. Orange. Truck.
I'm beginning to hate the word "awkward."
Mneh.
WTF did they do to Eric, btw? I didn't realize that he was quite so metro-fabulous. Ah, well, he's adorable. He flutters around Bella. EVERYONE FLUTTERS AROUND BELLA. She is apparently front page news. Editoriaaal, baby. Or not. Bells flips about that.
LUNCH! Bella is led off by Angie and JJ to describe eeeveryone. Then the Cullens come in and their gossip time is derailed. Bells MUST KNOW!!11eleventy. God, Alice is gorgeous. I should probably not be focusing on the girls.
"The one who looks like he's in pain all the time? That's Jasper."
Oh, fictional JJ. I LOVE YOU. But less than I love Alice.
Bio time! They go to biology class. Mike's ecstatic. Bella steps in front of a fan and EDWARD LOSES IT. And promptly shoots Bella the most amusing "oh fuck food? FOOD! food? no, not food" look I've seen in my life. It could also be called "I feel sick" or "I'm about to vomit." I prefer to liken it to a dog running up to you and going "PLAY?! PLAY? play? ... no play?"
So, Bio is awkward. Edward and Bella work this awkward thing a lot. She goes home and angsts to her mother about how this boy was sooo meaaan and omgomgomg. Her mom loses her cell phone charger. Huh.
I'm going to skip ahead, if you don't mind.
A guy was found dead, by the way. "Animal attack." Uh-huh. We believe that. THANK YOU, CHardwicke, for throwing in the James'n'Vicki clan earlier. Page 372 just doesn't cut it for me in the book.
Edward beautifuls it up. Girls in the crowd are swooning. Uh-huh.
There's a weird field trip to a green house scene. They make compost coffee and people try to drink it. Edward is creepy to Bella and insists that she go away. Oh, well.
Alice is super-nice. MY GOD, YOU ARE ADORABLE. I love your clairvoyant vampire friendliness.
There's a truck. Oh, there's a van, I mean. Van v Bella Swan/Edward Cullen! Wasn't Bells supposed to hit her head? Instead, it only looks like Edward gets to cop a feel and destroy a van before flipping out and sending her to the hospital where OH MY GOD CARLISLE. You are just pasty and preeecious! I really wish they finished his makeup down his neck in this scene-- the flesh tones are distracting.
Carlisle charms. CARLISLE DAZZLES, I'm sorry, he dazzles. Then there is an awkward family talk in the hallway. Damn.
Bells thanks Edward.
Skipping ahead now! It's been a few days, I'm all out of sorts. Bells gets asked to prom, turns people down to go to Florida or Seattle or something. UNFORTUNATE GIRL MAKES EXCUSES TO NOT DATE ERIC AND MIKE: front page news!
Edward is happy. Oh, my. Edward is happy. This movie cut out hundreds of pages of Edward BROODING and SULKING and DAZZLING in favor of Edward SMILING and LAUGHING and copping a feel FLIRTING.
They go to La Push, Edward declines, Jacob flirts and tries to warn Bells about the Cullens Cold Ones.
Epic. She goes to Port Angeles with Fictional JJ and Angie-boo to ignore them watch them try on dresses. She ditches them in favor of getting a book and then almost getting raped. Sliiick, girl. Slick.
Edward saves the day, takes her out to dinner, says, "'sup, I read minds." Bells doesn't care.
Best scene ever:
Isabella Swan: Look, You gotta give me some answers.
Edward Cullen: Yes... No... To get to the other side... 1.772...
Isabella Swan: I don't need the square root of pi.
Followed by:
Edward: I can tell you what everyone in the room is thinking. Sex, money, sex, money, money, sex, cats.
ILU.
Anyway. They drive. There's bitching.
More people die-- Charlie's best bud. Aw. Damn. He's sad now and Carlisle is just faaabulous walking out and jacking Edward to just downgrade the AWKWARD.
(fucking awkward, I thought that I was done with yooou)
ONWARD, brave and gentle soldiers!
There's the scene where Edward knows that Bella knows. YAY. Oh. And sparkles. It looks like he has sparkle lotion on rather than diamonds. Oh, well. WE HAVE SPARKLEPIRE!
Everyone sparkles. Christ. Sparkles as a function of ADONIS SEXABILITY-- er, thank God we also lose the four thousand scenes of:
Edward: *broods*
Bella: OMG YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!
Edward: I'm evil.
Bella: SO BEAUTIIIFUUUUUULLL I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO SUCK MY BLOOD!
Anyway. Bells is in love, Edward is in love, they are stupid lions and lambs. I still like that line. Everyone loves everyone.
THEY HAVE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A WEEK OR THREE, PEOPLE.
Oh, I forgot. Edward snuck into her room previously. She thought she saw him. The stalking. THE STALKING. I have yet to appreciate how creepy Edward is until this scene. I mean, I knew he was a bipolar, stalkity STALKER that just fucked with Bella. But this scene. WHAT THE FUCK. We have curled, moaning Bella. She dreams! THEN WE HAVE EDWARD LURKING IN THE CORNER. This will haunt me.
Mneh. We must move on bravely, for BELLA MEETS THE CULLENS!
They attempt to cook and it is ADORABLE. Bells must be Italian! But she already ate. Damnit. Rosalie throws a hissy fit and breaks the salad bowl. This is why we can't have nice things! Esme is sweet.
And IN WALKS MY GIRL: Alice and Jasper apparently spend their time walking on trees barefoot. Savin' money on those shoes, hm? Alice is sweeter than Esme and proceeds to refuse to speak to Bella in present tense:
Alice Cullen: Oh, you do smell good.
Edward Cullen: Alice, what are you-?
Alice Cullen: It's okay. Bella and I are going to be great friends.
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Sorry, Jasper's our newest vegetarian. It's still a little difficult for him.
Jasper Hale: Pleasure to meet you.
Alice Cullen: It's okay Jasper, you won't hurt her.
Edward Cullen: Alright, I'm going to take her on a tour of the rest of the house.
Alice Cullen: Well, I'll see you soon.
Isabella Swan: Okay.
AWW!
Plot, plot, plot. Edward and Bella stare soulfully at each other, Alice is just PRECIOUS.
Charlie meets Edward while cleaning a shotgun. BEST DAD SCENE EVER.
Worst thought: the shotgun will not do much good.
I'm skipping to baseball. It's freaking awesome. ALICE WINS AGAIN AT THROWING AND DANCING AND EVERYTHING BUT BEING ALIVE.
Because she isn't, really.
Oh, Alice.
Anyway. Alice pitches, the rest of the group is fantastic and creates loud thunderclaps whilst they play. Edward divetackles Emmett at least once. James'n'Vicki'n'co show up and ruin the fun.
JAMES IS HUNTIN' BELLA! Oooh. Edward fucks up and lets James know that Bella matters. Bad, bad sparkle boyfriend.
Bells is a bitch to her dad to get the hell out of dodge. Edward insists that Charlie will forgive Bells, but WILL CHARLIE'S MUSTACHE?
God, the look on that guy's face broke my heart.
Emmett scares them. Whoo-hoo.
THEY GETS TO THA ARIZONA THAR. Alice and Jasper take her. Jasper is freaking adorable, Alice is fantastic until we all realize: JAMES DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT ROSALIE = ISABELLA.
Close, but not quite. One is an Edward-obsessed idiot. The other is a baby-obsessed bitch. DIFFERENT.
Alice points this out and draws a ballet studio at SUPER SPEED... and then promptly leaves Bella-boo alone. She had to have known.
Jasper looks confused, Bella believes James.... we all know what happens here. Bells gets jacked by James, beaten, and then Edward jumps on James and gets thrown, artfully, into mirrors.
Damn.
While Carlisle and Edward fight to save Bella, because James bit her, Alice SAVES THE DAY AGAIN by being TINY AND BADASS and snapping James' neck before they burn him. Christ. I'm kind of frightened.
Edward nearly kills Bells because she is just soooo deliiicioooous... like cake. BELLA EQUALS CAKE.
(cakey!)
Bella is in the hospital. Oh, no. She also insists on being with Edward in Forks because OH MY GOD HE IS-- Edward. He is sparkly.
Yes.
Blah blah blah prom. Blah blah blah omg ilu ilu Edward! i luv u bells! omg. Prom is amazing, mind you. So much better than the book.
Fictional JJ and Angie are pleased as punch to be so fab.
I really adore this end scene. Nibbles on the neck, KISSES OMG and then Victoria is TOTALLY SAD AND... at... prom?!