A Lack of Relaxation...
I didn't enjoy my time in hospital... For starters, I had a room mate who annoyed the crap out of me. She was only 20 and her boyfriend was about 23 and when he was there, they spent the whole time fighting and swearing at each other. When he wasn't there, she was constantly on the phone to him begging him to come, getting annoyed when he couldn't (he seemed to be working, which was fair enough...sounded like they needed the money big time) and crying. Her baby also cried a lot... can't blame her, really. This girl had an immense amount of trouble breastfeeding (which I sympathized with, having the problems that I did) and spent a lot of time swearing at the baby and calling her a "fucking bitch" everytime she latched on wrong and it hurt. That I was not particularly sympathetic to. She also had a lot of noisy visitors. They were everywhere, yelling and carrying on. Finally a midwife noticed and booted most of them out as she had way over the limit of the amount of visitors allowed.
The hospital room was also hot. And stuffy. I couldnt sleep at night because it was far too hot and the girl next door's baby cried a lot. Hunter didn't cry much at all in the first couple of days. The midwives told me this was a response to the swiftness of his birth. Sometimes they go into a bit of shock and sleep a lot to cope. I was assured that he would find his lungs without a shadow of a doubt. But anyway, he was very quiet for the first half of my hospital stay. I'm not criticising her, or the baby because it was crying, but what was annoying was that she did nothing about it. A couple of times during the day I heard her say "I better get ready for a long night, she'll be crying" or something similar. To pass the time waiting for the baby to cry, she watched tv. And not quietly either.
On the Sunday, after I was brought back from theatre, they brought Hunter back from wherever he was (nursery? maternity nurse station? i don't know, i was never told...) but they didn't put him right beside my bed. They put him about five feet away and I had been instructed by the theatre nurse/whoever it was not to move out of bed until I felt the anesthetic wear off as I wouldn't be able to feel any pain and wouldn't be able to adjust my movements and be cautious, which could probably lead to more pain, etc. Hunter started to vomit up phlegm/mucous which he had quite a lot of (also due to his fast birth) and I called for a midwife to help me get to him. I obviously caught one at a bad moment because when she appeared and learned that I wanted to have him brought closer to me, the conversation went a little like this:
Her: "We're not here to get your baby for you. You need to get up and get him yourself!"
Me: "I can't... They told me not to..."
Her: "Did you have a Caesarean?"
Me: "No but-"
Her: "Then there's nothing wrong with you." She moved him beside my bed, and left.
I was very upset by that. I know she was probably very overworked and I caught her at a bad time, but I had just had a baby, not gotten a wink of sleep the whole night, been to theatre, stitched up, and taken to a room and left there. The anesthetic had barely worn off enough for me to know what day it was. It was also a bit embarrassing as everyone visiting the girl I shared the room with heard the ticking off she gave me. Made me feel like the worst mother ever - and I'd only been a mother for barely 3 or 4 hours! She didn't even ask me WHY I needed the assistance. I'm not that lazy that I couldn't be bothered getting up to him... I very much wanted to get up! But I wasn't even dressed! I had a hospital gown on that didn't do up... all they did was lay it over me like a sheet and cover me with a blanket. It wasn't until another midwife came in a few hours later, about 6pm I think, that I was stood up, dressed, had my bedsheets changed and made up properly, etc.
Fortunately, that was the only real negative experience i had with any of the midwives that attended to me during my stay. The rest of them were absolutely lovely and very helpful. It was only that one lady that really made me feel bad. Although some of them were part of the Breastfeeding Nazi Brigade, I didn't hold that against them. I'm sure they push it because they feel it's the best option, but I don't condone pushing it at all costs and making a woman feel like a failure if she can't do it.
Which I can't.
I tried. Seriously I tried. And was successful I think, once. And gritted my teeth against the scream I wanted to let out. It was THAT painful. I would rather have given birth again, than breastfeed. It absolutely killed me... I had blood blisters the size of 20c coins on me....It was agony. Most of the midwives seemed to feel it was my colouring/genetics. I'm VERY fair/pale and have plenty of fair English/Scots in me and people with my pigmentation can often feel extreme pain and be very sensitive. I have a good pain threshold, I like to think. I got smashed in the head with a cricket bat at 16, split my head open, had 5 stitches, etc... barely batted an eye. I've had teeth pulled, needing four needles to deaden them and then had them out with pliars. I gave birth and barely made a sound and with miminal medical intervention. And I would do all of those again over having to try breastfeed. I dreaded the nurses coming around and grabbing his head and shoving him on. I would bite my tongue so hard I would imprint my teeth for hours afterwards! It just got worse... The midwives kept telling me to persist. See a "lactation consultant". See this person. See that person.
Finally, on the Tuesday night, I had a meltdown. I had been trying to feed him for hours and couldn't get him to latch on. When he did I nearly screamed and had to get him off. He started screaming and went all stiff and wouldn't stop. I started bawling and couldn't stop. A midwife came in and found that scene and oh my god, she was a lifesaver. She sat down and talked to me and calmed me down, then helped me try to feed him. I had tears streaming down my face from the pain, so she went away and came back with another midwife, who expressed me manually. That hurt like fuck too. Finally they sort of looked at each other and shook their heads. One of them went away again and came back with a bottle.
They gave him 30mL of formula and I couldn't believe the change in him. He had proper sustenance for the first time since he was born. He took the bottle straight away, drank it all and looked for more. So she gave him another 30mL. She wrapped him up tight and he slept so peacefully for hours. I made up my mind then and there that I was done trying to feed him. All it was doing was causing me a LOT of pain and both of us a lot of distress. Breastfeeding is great, if it happens for you. It wasn't happening for me and I wasn't going to feel guilty over it. I texted Cass heaps that night and we had a really good talk about it. I don't believe that I'm depriving him of anything. I think that I'm providing him with something.
So onto the bottle he went....permanently. I fed him again in the middle of the night (had to ask for it - got a "You don't want to breastfeed?" from the midwife on duty but once I explained she showed me where all the formula was etc) and then at 8am. After I had completely lost the plot the night before, Rob turned up at the hospital on the Wednesday morning very early - at about 8 - to take me home. I've never been so glad to see anyone ever.
My milk had come in over that Tuesday night. Christ, that was painful too. I had probably a B cup and would've been rocking a DD after the milk came in and they were rock hard. They felt like implants. They also sort of burned... I can't explain it. I guess because I was starting to suppress the milk, because it wasn't being used, that was the burning feeling. I also got a bit of a fever...milk fever, lol.
I was out by about 9:30 after a resident checked my stitches and made sure I didn't need any prescriptions for antibiotics or whatever. It was so good to walk out of that hospital into FRESH air. I had been cooped up in there for 3 days and even though it was quite brisk outside, I loved it. I was so happy to be out in it. I couldn't wait to get home. If I ever have another one, I will be tempted to take out private health insurance and go into the private system, but I'll probably still leave hospital as soon as they let me. I only stayed the Tuesday night because they didn't tell me I could've gone home Tuesday until after it was too late to complete my paperwork.
We drove home and I have never been happier to walk through the front door, lol. Rob went to go buy some formula, bottles and a steriliser. It had never really occurred to me prior to having him that I wouldn't be breastfeeding him. It definitely wasn't a choice I made because I didn't want to do it, or couldn't be bothered. I made the choice because it was having a negative effect on me, and especially on him, trying to keep doing it. I didn't want to keep seeing people who would tell me "just persist, it will happen" etc. I'm glad I made the decision because Hunter has never taken a backward step with the bottle. He started off on 60mL each feed but went up to 90mL pretty much right away as he was a bigger baby when born and I had been told that he might find 60mL not enough for him. His rate of growth and weight gain has been excellent at every appointment and just looking at him it's obvious how healthy and happy he is. I will never be made to feel guilty for choosing the bottle, or that I am less of a mother. I don't understand why anyone would try to make another person feel inferior for their choices. After all - we're all entitled to make the ones that we feel are best. If I have another baby, which it's odds on that I will, I will be very likely to put that baby on the bottle too.
The hospital room was also hot. And stuffy. I couldnt sleep at night because it was far too hot and the girl next door's baby cried a lot. Hunter didn't cry much at all in the first couple of days. The midwives told me this was a response to the swiftness of his birth. Sometimes they go into a bit of shock and sleep a lot to cope. I was assured that he would find his lungs without a shadow of a doubt. But anyway, he was very quiet for the first half of my hospital stay. I'm not criticising her, or the baby because it was crying, but what was annoying was that she did nothing about it. A couple of times during the day I heard her say "I better get ready for a long night, she'll be crying" or something similar. To pass the time waiting for the baby to cry, she watched tv. And not quietly either.
On the Sunday, after I was brought back from theatre, they brought Hunter back from wherever he was (nursery? maternity nurse station? i don't know, i was never told...) but they didn't put him right beside my bed. They put him about five feet away and I had been instructed by the theatre nurse/whoever it was not to move out of bed until I felt the anesthetic wear off as I wouldn't be able to feel any pain and wouldn't be able to adjust my movements and be cautious, which could probably lead to more pain, etc. Hunter started to vomit up phlegm/mucous which he had quite a lot of (also due to his fast birth) and I called for a midwife to help me get to him. I obviously caught one at a bad moment because when she appeared and learned that I wanted to have him brought closer to me, the conversation went a little like this:
Her: "We're not here to get your baby for you. You need to get up and get him yourself!"
Me: "I can't... They told me not to..."
Her: "Did you have a Caesarean?"
Me: "No but-"
Her: "Then there's nothing wrong with you." She moved him beside my bed, and left.
I was very upset by that. I know she was probably very overworked and I caught her at a bad time, but I had just had a baby, not gotten a wink of sleep the whole night, been to theatre, stitched up, and taken to a room and left there. The anesthetic had barely worn off enough for me to know what day it was. It was also a bit embarrassing as everyone visiting the girl I shared the room with heard the ticking off she gave me. Made me feel like the worst mother ever - and I'd only been a mother for barely 3 or 4 hours! She didn't even ask me WHY I needed the assistance. I'm not that lazy that I couldn't be bothered getting up to him... I very much wanted to get up! But I wasn't even dressed! I had a hospital gown on that didn't do up... all they did was lay it over me like a sheet and cover me with a blanket. It wasn't until another midwife came in a few hours later, about 6pm I think, that I was stood up, dressed, had my bedsheets changed and made up properly, etc.
Fortunately, that was the only real negative experience i had with any of the midwives that attended to me during my stay. The rest of them were absolutely lovely and very helpful. It was only that one lady that really made me feel bad. Although some of them were part of the Breastfeeding Nazi Brigade, I didn't hold that against them. I'm sure they push it because they feel it's the best option, but I don't condone pushing it at all costs and making a woman feel like a failure if she can't do it.
Which I can't.
I tried. Seriously I tried. And was successful I think, once. And gritted my teeth against the scream I wanted to let out. It was THAT painful. I would rather have given birth again, than breastfeed. It absolutely killed me... I had blood blisters the size of 20c coins on me....It was agony. Most of the midwives seemed to feel it was my colouring/genetics. I'm VERY fair/pale and have plenty of fair English/Scots in me and people with my pigmentation can often feel extreme pain and be very sensitive. I have a good pain threshold, I like to think. I got smashed in the head with a cricket bat at 16, split my head open, had 5 stitches, etc... barely batted an eye. I've had teeth pulled, needing four needles to deaden them and then had them out with pliars. I gave birth and barely made a sound and with miminal medical intervention. And I would do all of those again over having to try breastfeed. I dreaded the nurses coming around and grabbing his head and shoving him on. I would bite my tongue so hard I would imprint my teeth for hours afterwards! It just got worse... The midwives kept telling me to persist. See a "lactation consultant". See this person. See that person.
Finally, on the Tuesday night, I had a meltdown. I had been trying to feed him for hours and couldn't get him to latch on. When he did I nearly screamed and had to get him off. He started screaming and went all stiff and wouldn't stop. I started bawling and couldn't stop. A midwife came in and found that scene and oh my god, she was a lifesaver. She sat down and talked to me and calmed me down, then helped me try to feed him. I had tears streaming down my face from the pain, so she went away and came back with another midwife, who expressed me manually. That hurt like fuck too. Finally they sort of looked at each other and shook their heads. One of them went away again and came back with a bottle.
They gave him 30mL of formula and I couldn't believe the change in him. He had proper sustenance for the first time since he was born. He took the bottle straight away, drank it all and looked for more. So she gave him another 30mL. She wrapped him up tight and he slept so peacefully for hours. I made up my mind then and there that I was done trying to feed him. All it was doing was causing me a LOT of pain and both of us a lot of distress. Breastfeeding is great, if it happens for you. It wasn't happening for me and I wasn't going to feel guilty over it. I texted Cass heaps that night and we had a really good talk about it. I don't believe that I'm depriving him of anything. I think that I'm providing him with something.
So onto the bottle he went....permanently. I fed him again in the middle of the night (had to ask for it - got a "You don't want to breastfeed?" from the midwife on duty but once I explained she showed me where all the formula was etc) and then at 8am. After I had completely lost the plot the night before, Rob turned up at the hospital on the Wednesday morning very early - at about 8 - to take me home. I've never been so glad to see anyone ever.
My milk had come in over that Tuesday night. Christ, that was painful too. I had probably a B cup and would've been rocking a DD after the milk came in and they were rock hard. They felt like implants. They also sort of burned... I can't explain it. I guess because I was starting to suppress the milk, because it wasn't being used, that was the burning feeling. I also got a bit of a fever...milk fever, lol.
I was out by about 9:30 after a resident checked my stitches and made sure I didn't need any prescriptions for antibiotics or whatever. It was so good to walk out of that hospital into FRESH air. I had been cooped up in there for 3 days and even though it was quite brisk outside, I loved it. I was so happy to be out in it. I couldn't wait to get home. If I ever have another one, I will be tempted to take out private health insurance and go into the private system, but I'll probably still leave hospital as soon as they let me. I only stayed the Tuesday night because they didn't tell me I could've gone home Tuesday until after it was too late to complete my paperwork.
We drove home and I have never been happier to walk through the front door, lol. Rob went to go buy some formula, bottles and a steriliser. It had never really occurred to me prior to having him that I wouldn't be breastfeeding him. It definitely wasn't a choice I made because I didn't want to do it, or couldn't be bothered. I made the choice because it was having a negative effect on me, and especially on him, trying to keep doing it. I didn't want to keep seeing people who would tell me "just persist, it will happen" etc. I'm glad I made the decision because Hunter has never taken a backward step with the bottle. He started off on 60mL each feed but went up to 90mL pretty much right away as he was a bigger baby when born and I had been told that he might find 60mL not enough for him. His rate of growth and weight gain has been excellent at every appointment and just looking at him it's obvious how healthy and happy he is. I will never be made to feel guilty for choosing the bottle, or that I am less of a mother. I don't understand why anyone would try to make another person feel inferior for their choices. After all - we're all entitled to make the ones that we feel are best. If I have another baby, which it's odds on that I will, I will be very likely to put that baby on the bottle too.