Healing the Hurt
“You gonna talk to him?”
Dean startled at the sound of Bobby’s voice, and he turned from his position, leaning against the windowsill where he had been watching Sam. Shaking his head he turned back once more to his silent vigil, watching as Sam slowly took himself apart.
“You gotto talk to him at some point Dean. He can’t go on like that...”
“What am I supposed to say to him huh? That everything is ok? Aww don’t worry about it Sammy, we can fix it up like new again? So you became an addict and took a damn skank demons side over mine, oh and not to mention starting the damn apocalypse! But that’s alright, big brother can fix it?”
He shook his head once, green eyes narrowed and angry, but at who, Bobby hadn’t quite figured out yet, “I can’t fix this Bobby, not this time. I don’t know how and...”
“What?”
“I don’t know what to say, I can’t say forgive and forget cause I can’t forgive...not yet, and even if I could forget....look at him Bobby....does he look like someone who is gonna forget anytime soon? Never mind forgive himself....I just....I don’t know what to do....how to talk to him....I don’t know...him anymore.”
Bobby bowed his head for a moment, lost in thought as he tried to figure out a way to fix this. Both boys were so torn apart. Sam was silent and brooding, speaking minimally and only when spoken to. His eyes and body language telling the other two more than words could ever say how much he was beating himself up over the events of the last year. At least the shaking had stopped and Bobby figured Sam was at least over the worst of the withdrawal, or at least he presumed so, as Sam hadn’t spent long enough in a room with either him or Dean to get a good look at the kid.
As for Dean. He was angry and rightfully so, Bobby knew that. That anger was ever present in the closed off tight look he seemed to permanently wear around Sam. It was as if he couldn’t trust himself to speak to him, like he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to stop if he got started at all. But he needed to say it, and Sam needed to hear it, no matter how much it hurt either of them. That anger was warring with the protective streak Dean had always had when it came to Sam, and a battle raged constantly within Dean and showed on his face and in the short way he spoke and avoided his brother at all costs. This led to Sam spending hours of every day, outside, leaning against the old cars, staring sightlessly at the dust his restless feet kicked up and Dean standing by the window, watching Sam just out his Sam’s eye line.
“You do know him Dean. It’s Sam, it’s just Sam and he is hurtin’ and blamin’ himself when all he was, was a pawn in that demons game. She got to him when he was most vulnerable and he never stood a chance. He would never knowingly put you in danger Dean, and it’s eatin’ him up inside now that he started all of this...he doesn’t need silence.....you just need to go out there and say what’s on your mind and go from there.”
“Bobby, I always knew everything there was to know about that kid. But I look at him now and I see a stranger. How did that happen? How did it get to this? I’m not sure if I can ever trust him again....how are we s’posed to get past that?”
Bobby moved then, walking past Dean and heading for the backyard, away from the two men, patting Dean silently on the shoulder as he went, “You don’t Dean. You start again. Sam is still in there, that kid you knew better than anyone is still in there, under all that self hatred and pain....and only you can get to him again. It’s not gonna be pretty, and Sam certainly deserves any harsh words you got for him but...the Dean I know can do it...”
“How? What if I can’t? What if too much damage is done Bobby?”
“You can, and you know how I know that? ‘Cause you’re Dean Winchester, and you have more in you than even you know. ‘Cause he is your brother.”
He stopped at the door and turned to face Dean for a moment, seeing the pained, hurt look in Dean’s expressive face.
“Because it’s all about family, he is your family.”
He walked away then, and he didn’t need to watch to know that a few moments later his front door swung closed behind Dean as he walked slowly out to where his brother was. He didn’t need to hear to know that Dean was saying some things that were gonna hurt them both. But they needed saying, he knew that.
Then the healing could begin.