108.
My mother has had so many names for me over the past, all in such sweet forms yet almost always perfectly describing who I am... witchbaby, angryface, oh i always used to be such an angryface, ready to fight the world, how dare you say that to me? i'll shoot you down & I was so nasty to people I first met without them even saying a word to me, gun ho I had weapons in my mouth & I was so bitter & spiteful & I said these awful awful things that I did always mean & I was so cruel. If looks could of killed, people used to stray away from me, wary, a temper that was ready to just explode on them. Bitter & twisted from things that had happened in the past & taking it out on everyone that didn't deserve it.
I've been speaking with my ex again & he is still single after two years of us saying parting evil words. He was my best friend & my worst enemy & everything & everyone rolled into one, it was love & it was hate & it was passion & lies. We'd scream & curse at each other all night, his drinking making me cry until early hours of the morning. I knew him better than anyone else & he was only confidant. He taught me how to be loved & how to return it & for two years everything was almost quite perfect, always just out of reach. Falling through the world, he helped when I was psychotic, he asked & did his everything for me & although I didn't believe him at the time, I now believe him when he says he only had eyes for me & I feel so bad for the terrible things I did to him when he left me, but I felt oh so betrayed, he'd promised me so much, & that he'd always be there for me & then he abandoned me & said he didn't love me anymore & I spiraled into this awful mess, I am a messy child. & I slept with his close friends & screamed at him & hurt him more than I can admit.
& I remember believing that after him I could never be loved again & that I didn't want to love again & if it was such a beautiful thing then why would it have all hurt so much? The memories were bittersweet & I craved such awful things into my pale thighs that even my therapist shirked in horror. Angrychild & angry at so much.
Psychobaby my mother calls me, & everyone says my beliefs & my thoughts & feelings & everything inside me that hurts & screams & the voices & the faces, they arn't real supposedly & I can't believe them because this is all I've ever known. They say that it is not right or ok to hear things & see things & feel things others can't, but I'm just looking into other worlds am I not? We cannot be so conceited that we are the only ones in this place & it's so big & wide & there is so much that we do not know, but alas it's all just in my head, simple things, & I finally have the scientific proof, our minds create the feelings of stability an object can give & so I must be right, & this really all is in my head.
& The worst is I feel so bad because tonight I know I'm going to hurt myself & I don't really want this, but I can feel my hands taking over from everything else & my mind is fading away to the point where I want to scream I'M STILL IN HERE & that the person they are seeing isn't really me. I remember this happening once at a pub, with a friend & his friend & his then girllady & my mind was saying to stop & my mouth & my hands & my body was on it's own, subtle changes, picking up on silly things & I said so many awful things that night & no-one understands how dystopian any of this is.
I need to go see the university doctor this week, I need to, & does anyone have any experiences with university doctors? I may be niave but I feel if I go to them with this they'll just palm me off with trazadone again & it'll be worse. worse than anyone can imagine, & I could go back to my parents doctors but 300 miles is very far to travel & I still have to keep up with peoples expectations.
x-posted
I've been speaking with my ex again & he is still single after two years of us saying parting evil words. He was my best friend & my worst enemy & everything & everyone rolled into one, it was love & it was hate & it was passion & lies. We'd scream & curse at each other all night, his drinking making me cry until early hours of the morning. I knew him better than anyone else & he was only confidant. He taught me how to be loved & how to return it & for two years everything was almost quite perfect, always just out of reach. Falling through the world, he helped when I was psychotic, he asked & did his everything for me & although I didn't believe him at the time, I now believe him when he says he only had eyes for me & I feel so bad for the terrible things I did to him when he left me, but I felt oh so betrayed, he'd promised me so much, & that he'd always be there for me & then he abandoned me & said he didn't love me anymore & I spiraled into this awful mess, I am a messy child. & I slept with his close friends & screamed at him & hurt him more than I can admit.
& I remember believing that after him I could never be loved again & that I didn't want to love again & if it was such a beautiful thing then why would it have all hurt so much? The memories were bittersweet & I craved such awful things into my pale thighs that even my therapist shirked in horror. Angrychild & angry at so much.
Psychobaby my mother calls me, & everyone says my beliefs & my thoughts & feelings & everything inside me that hurts & screams & the voices & the faces, they arn't real supposedly & I can't believe them because this is all I've ever known. They say that it is not right or ok to hear things & see things & feel things others can't, but I'm just looking into other worlds am I not? We cannot be so conceited that we are the only ones in this place & it's so big & wide & there is so much that we do not know, but alas it's all just in my head, simple things, & I finally have the scientific proof, our minds create the feelings of stability an object can give & so I must be right, & this really all is in my head.
& The worst is I feel so bad because tonight I know I'm going to hurt myself & I don't really want this, but I can feel my hands taking over from everything else & my mind is fading away to the point where I want to scream I'M STILL IN HERE & that the person they are seeing isn't really me. I remember this happening once at a pub, with a friend & his friend & his then girllady & my mind was saying to stop & my mouth & my hands & my body was on it's own, subtle changes, picking up on silly things & I said so many awful things that night & no-one understands how dystopian any of this is.
I need to go see the university doctor this week, I need to, & does anyone have any experiences with university doctors? I may be niave but I feel if I go to them with this they'll just palm me off with trazadone again & it'll be worse. worse than anyone can imagine, & I could go back to my parents doctors but 300 miles is very far to travel & I still have to keep up with peoples expectations.
x-posted