Um...I'm not sure? *shrug*
What do I want to write tonight? I could update you all on my love life. There is an unease as far as my spiritual guidance goes. I have work related tales to tell. I could go into a number of great things…and I just may since I have a few hours to fill until it’s time for me to go home.
I’ll start simple and tell you of my job. I just down-right love it. I love coming into work. There are a number of reasons for that. A normal night, I come into a crowd of people. There are a few regulars that I love seeing on a daily basis. Ryan, Caitlin, Thomas, Joel, and Michelle are just a few of them. They are the ones that stand out the most. I was going to go down the list and describe them each to you. I, however, changed my mind because there just is not enough time. I’ll suffice it to say that I have a few favorite RAs and a couple of residents that I just adore.
As far as church goes…I don’t know. It hit me that I don’t actually get the messages. No, that’s not how I mean it. I get the messages and I understand the meaning behind them for the most part, but it’s really hard to apply it immediately to my life in the right now. I don’t feel like I’m getting what I’m supposed to from it. I get the points and I right them down. I follow along in the bulletin and take the appointed notes and I even take my own notes with my own thoughts. However, I don’t *get* anything from them. They don’t *move* me. Because they don’t move me, I feel guilty. Am I not focusing the right way? Am I just not meant to be there? There are deeper more self-discouraging thoughts I have, but it borders whining and depression. *grimace* I’m not in the mood to cry over this. So, moving on…
I love my sister dearly. I really do. She’s one of my absolute favorite people. It amazes me, though, that we are so very different in our lives. It’s hard to compare the two of us, but as one of us, I can’t help doing it nonetheless. I’m a failure and a screw up but everything that I’ve failed at or screwed up don’t *show* or can’t really fix in the long run. She has been the … not *good* one (we’re both pretty okay) but the non-messed up one. This could be because she’s the younger one and her *life* hasn’t really started. But then, she made a mistake and caused this major change. It’s not noticeable or has any *real* effect on her life thus far, but it’s a lifetime commitment that she can’t just chuck later. It’s a major something. I worry about her. In the years as of late, she’s been flippant and … young. That has all been forgivable because she *is* young. I worry that she will continue to be young and flippant about life and whatnot - and she can’t because another’s life lies in the balance. I’m too much of a control freak to not want her here so that I can help her grow up and be actively involved in helping her. Because there’s nothing I can do at this moment…I’m at a stuck point.
I don’t want to talk about my love life. I just smiled because six months ago I couldn’t actually say that…I didn’t have a love life. I do now, but it’s…lacking? I don’t know how to describe it. No, I do know how to describe but can I? I have a fantastic boyfriend. I adore him. You all know that because I spent a good amount of my posts describing him and the great ways he treats me. I don’t put forth any effort any more. I realized that recently. I’m not sure why. To quote a quotable song, have I lost that lovin’ feeling? Am I officially freaking about the fact that I have been in a relationship for this long and it hasn’t gotten screwed up yet? I’ll be honest, I do love him and all that good nonsense, but … I miss him. There is a sense of discordance in this area too…
On an up note…cheese is glorious…and I’ve been tipsy in the last week a total of two times. *shrug*