April 20, 2004--April 20, 2005
I'm sorry, this is long. But I needed to express 'me'. You don't need to read it if you don't want to, or just don't have the time.
April 20, 2004:
I remember waking up to the sound of whisper in the other room. I went to step down and knocked over a few plastic cups of water. I stood on my bed and soon realized, the floor was completely covered with cups of water. I remember getting up at the crack of dawn, around 6 AM for a full day field trip. I wore blue jeans, my Bob Marley shirt with a green long sleeve shirt underneath, and Zoe's knitted headband. Everybody wished me a happy birthday all day. My friends were especially nice, and Paul didn't touch one girl all day. It made me feel good.
Later that night, we played "Win a Date with Dena Hart", where Josh, Stuckey, and Paul were the contestants to try to win a game with me. I was blind folded, I couldn't stop laughing, making fun of me because I asked whether Hawaiians could vote, and they made fun of Minnat (he is so hot). I just remember ending the day feeling so good, so happy with myself. I had great friends, a great community, a boyfriend who made me feel good for that one day, and I knew I had friends and family on the other side of the world that really love me and miss me dearly. I was soo happy to have been in Israel. That was the peak moment of my happiness, and it just seems ever since then it was just has been up and down.
This year has been rough. A rocky start to the school year, I had a really tough transition back into Stevenson. I realized how many friends I didn't have, and it kind of depressed me because I was still set on my ways of life through camp and EIE. I knew I had to get my act together, and trying to overcome my social anxiety, along with the scarring moment of the shower, I was afraid to take risks, and go out there and make more friends. So I worked. I worked 3 jobs: Starbucks, my temple and another one. I made money, so I could travel and see my friends from EIE, and so I could just get away from home just for a few days, so I didn't have to think about my unhappiness. As the year went by, I felt better, I began to grow up, thinking about my future, what I am interested in studying, and setting goals and dreams for myself (Brandeis...ehhh no.) and I was faced with disappointments, but I got up and wiped the dirt off my butt and just kept on going. I tried to be strong this year. I really thought I gave a good face to people and that they had no idea how much I just wanted to be happy, I wanted my solid group of friends like on EIE and at camp, I wanted to be loved by a guy who really accepted me for me, and that didn't live in New York or I don't know, somewhere not in Illinois. But through this long, yet really short year, I have grown so much and have realized so much about myself. I know more about myself, and am beginning to grasp an understanding that "hey, I'm growing up...I need to get my act together and start acting like it."
April 20, 2005:
I woke up being really tired, really out of it. This week started off rather rocky, and I haven't really felt myself ever since Sunday night. My life, thoughts, and emotions went totally to the other side of the spectrum by Monday night. The effects are still hangin there, and I just feel tired. The day has been such a haze (Purple haze...sorry I had to say it), and I just have felt so out of it. It doesn't even feel like my birthday. I have to admit, I am pretty surprised by the number of phone calls/text messages and sorts that I have received today. It does remind me that I have been on people's minds, and it makes me feel very good about myself in those regards. Though I just have not been able to grasp the understanding that, "HEY I'M 18, I'M AN ADULT. TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY, AND IT ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR!" My mind just kind of stops, I just kind of stop thinking, and all I just want to do is sleep, just sit there. I felt like a vegetable today, trying to comprehend and realize that I am 18 years old, but instead, I just sat there, like a complete idiot, looking quite uninterested and unwarm to everybody surrounding me.
I just need to get some sleep. Maybe some therapy. Maybe I just need some love.
April 20, 2004:
I remember waking up to the sound of whisper in the other room. I went to step down and knocked over a few plastic cups of water. I stood on my bed and soon realized, the floor was completely covered with cups of water. I remember getting up at the crack of dawn, around 6 AM for a full day field trip. I wore blue jeans, my Bob Marley shirt with a green long sleeve shirt underneath, and Zoe's knitted headband. Everybody wished me a happy birthday all day. My friends were especially nice, and Paul didn't touch one girl all day. It made me feel good.
Later that night, we played "Win a Date with Dena Hart", where Josh, Stuckey, and Paul were the contestants to try to win a game with me. I was blind folded, I couldn't stop laughing, making fun of me because I asked whether Hawaiians could vote, and they made fun of Minnat (he is so hot). I just remember ending the day feeling so good, so happy with myself. I had great friends, a great community, a boyfriend who made me feel good for that one day, and I knew I had friends and family on the other side of the world that really love me and miss me dearly. I was soo happy to have been in Israel. That was the peak moment of my happiness, and it just seems ever since then it was just has been up and down.
This year has been rough. A rocky start to the school year, I had a really tough transition back into Stevenson. I realized how many friends I didn't have, and it kind of depressed me because I was still set on my ways of life through camp and EIE. I knew I had to get my act together, and trying to overcome my social anxiety, along with the scarring moment of the shower, I was afraid to take risks, and go out there and make more friends. So I worked. I worked 3 jobs: Starbucks, my temple and another one. I made money, so I could travel and see my friends from EIE, and so I could just get away from home just for a few days, so I didn't have to think about my unhappiness. As the year went by, I felt better, I began to grow up, thinking about my future, what I am interested in studying, and setting goals and dreams for myself (Brandeis...ehhh no.) and I was faced with disappointments, but I got up and wiped the dirt off my butt and just kept on going. I tried to be strong this year. I really thought I gave a good face to people and that they had no idea how much I just wanted to be happy, I wanted my solid group of friends like on EIE and at camp, I wanted to be loved by a guy who really accepted me for me, and that didn't live in New York or I don't know, somewhere not in Illinois. But through this long, yet really short year, I have grown so much and have realized so much about myself. I know more about myself, and am beginning to grasp an understanding that "hey, I'm growing up...I need to get my act together and start acting like it."
April 20, 2005:
I woke up being really tired, really out of it. This week started off rather rocky, and I haven't really felt myself ever since Sunday night. My life, thoughts, and emotions went totally to the other side of the spectrum by Monday night. The effects are still hangin there, and I just feel tired. The day has been such a haze (Purple haze...sorry I had to say it), and I just have felt so out of it. It doesn't even feel like my birthday. I have to admit, I am pretty surprised by the number of phone calls/text messages and sorts that I have received today. It does remind me that I have been on people's minds, and it makes me feel very good about myself in those regards. Though I just have not been able to grasp the understanding that, "HEY I'M 18, I'M AN ADULT. TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY, AND IT ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR!" My mind just kind of stops, I just kind of stop thinking, and all I just want to do is sleep, just sit there. I felt like a vegetable today, trying to comprehend and realize that I am 18 years old, but instead, I just sat there, like a complete idiot, looking quite uninterested and unwarm to everybody surrounding me.
I just need to get some sleep. Maybe some therapy. Maybe I just need some love.