I just don't understand...
Why such oddities occur. These last several days have been riddled with some form of happiness, and a major form of depression or anger. Yet, there has been something I have learned amidst the chaos of my life. I need to change myself. Change myself for the better, because I am not the person I want to be. I am constantly unhappy with myself. I say this time and time again within this Myspace blog, but I cannot help the fact.
What else can I say about this? I got into quite the argument with a friend earlier today, another friend is pissed off at me over Wednesday night, and this endless barrage of assorted whatnots of what has been going on isn't helping. It almost seems that aside from some friends at work, and Richard, that I have just been "tossed to the side".
I just don't understand how this always happens. Such mistreatment towards me, such... malevolent discourse and action. I do my good deeds. I share, I help. I offer. I give. I give more than I have ever received. If I had the money, I'd donate as much as I could to good will organizations, to friends, and anyone who was truly needy. Just the other day, as I was leaving Wal-Mart, it was pouring rain. As I'm driving by one of the automatic doors, I see someone that I had class with. I didn't know him very well from class, but I did know that he rode his bike from White to Wal-Mart to pick something up, and then he was waiting out the rain. Instead of just driving by, I turned around. I offered to throw his bike in my car, and give him a ride. I went out of my way to help someone. And it made me happy. I was happy that despite all the cold and cruelness in the world, I could shine some light in a sad, cold, and extremely wet situation for him. And, it was in the middle of the night! I guess no good deed goes unpunished.
These last few days, I've had to offer my shoulder for someone. They've been having a hard time with some things, and I've always been around to listen (or read) whenever needed. I am quite a selfless person, or so many people say. I never take time to do something for myself. I may spend some money every once in a while on myself, but that's about the extent to the things I do for myself. Some friends are telling me that I should stop helping people for a short time, just so I can recuperate and gather myself back together. I can understand that, but I just can't do that.
For God's sake, I know I went through a hard loss with the death of my great-grandmother, but what else is there to do? Mourning isn't going to help. The day we buried her in Maceo, I celebrated. I celebrated the life she lived. The hard times she went through, and the bliss and happiness that she continued to live for. I celebrated the fact that I got to spend an immense amount of time with her. How many people can actually say they KNOW their great-grandmother like I can? I miss her, and I miss her a lot. Sometimes, I even cry when I lay down to sleep. I cry because I know that when I go back to the nursing home to visit old friends and residents, she will no longer be there. That's hard to cope with, the fact that every time you come in to see family, the FIRST person you go see is your great grandmother, and now I'm NEVER going to see her again. That's just a fact that I cannot cope with, no matter how hard I'm trying. At least I had the honor to carry her to her final resting place.
And now this leads me to my insomnia. There is always a lot on my mind, no matter what I do. I cannot control it, I cannot lay it to rest. Many of these things that are always at the back of my mind HAUNT me. I do not talk about them, because they hurt my heart and soul. I keep them inside of me, because the fact that they are so hurtful, I just want to forget them. Eventually I will, but that day is not here yet.
I am at a point of an absolute breakdown, tonight. This past month has been harder to even imagine, let alone believe. Not only has my family lost a deeply loved member, but I have lost a young friend whom died at the young and hapless age of 17. My schooling and grades have suffered due to the frequence of events. Drama between friends and situations have been stacking up on me, to the point where I feel like I am Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. And in some ways, I am. I've always carried around a burden that is not just my own. Yet, I don't want my friends to carry their burdens alone, so I help them along my way.
I've always loved my friends, with all of my heart. Many of them don't appreciate this, or don't know this fact, but I always will. Even those that have done hurtful things to me, or "stabbed me in the back" or a variety of other hateful or cruel actions, not only have I forgiven them, but I still care about them in some form and fashion. Even the ones I haven't talked to in years, because of some sort of disconnect with them. I miss them all, and I miss them dearly. It just seems that life is short, and I don't have much time left on this plane of existance.
Will things get better? Probably not. As much as people try to reassure me that they will get better, I no longer believe them. I've believed them for years, and they have continually turned worse. My friends seem to be happier than ever before, and I have become the most miserable. I never knew it could get THIS bad. I'm just ready for my suffering to be over.
What else can I say about this? I got into quite the argument with a friend earlier today, another friend is pissed off at me over Wednesday night, and this endless barrage of assorted whatnots of what has been going on isn't helping. It almost seems that aside from some friends at work, and Richard, that I have just been "tossed to the side".
I just don't understand how this always happens. Such mistreatment towards me, such... malevolent discourse and action. I do my good deeds. I share, I help. I offer. I give. I give more than I have ever received. If I had the money, I'd donate as much as I could to good will organizations, to friends, and anyone who was truly needy. Just the other day, as I was leaving Wal-Mart, it was pouring rain. As I'm driving by one of the automatic doors, I see someone that I had class with. I didn't know him very well from class, but I did know that he rode his bike from White to Wal-Mart to pick something up, and then he was waiting out the rain. Instead of just driving by, I turned around. I offered to throw his bike in my car, and give him a ride. I went out of my way to help someone. And it made me happy. I was happy that despite all the cold and cruelness in the world, I could shine some light in a sad, cold, and extremely wet situation for him. And, it was in the middle of the night! I guess no good deed goes unpunished.
These last few days, I've had to offer my shoulder for someone. They've been having a hard time with some things, and I've always been around to listen (or read) whenever needed. I am quite a selfless person, or so many people say. I never take time to do something for myself. I may spend some money every once in a while on myself, but that's about the extent to the things I do for myself. Some friends are telling me that I should stop helping people for a short time, just so I can recuperate and gather myself back together. I can understand that, but I just can't do that.
For God's sake, I know I went through a hard loss with the death of my great-grandmother, but what else is there to do? Mourning isn't going to help. The day we buried her in Maceo, I celebrated. I celebrated the life she lived. The hard times she went through, and the bliss and happiness that she continued to live for. I celebrated the fact that I got to spend an immense amount of time with her. How many people can actually say they KNOW their great-grandmother like I can? I miss her, and I miss her a lot. Sometimes, I even cry when I lay down to sleep. I cry because I know that when I go back to the nursing home to visit old friends and residents, she will no longer be there. That's hard to cope with, the fact that every time you come in to see family, the FIRST person you go see is your great grandmother, and now I'm NEVER going to see her again. That's just a fact that I cannot cope with, no matter how hard I'm trying. At least I had the honor to carry her to her final resting place.
And now this leads me to my insomnia. There is always a lot on my mind, no matter what I do. I cannot control it, I cannot lay it to rest. Many of these things that are always at the back of my mind HAUNT me. I do not talk about them, because they hurt my heart and soul. I keep them inside of me, because the fact that they are so hurtful, I just want to forget them. Eventually I will, but that day is not here yet.
I am at a point of an absolute breakdown, tonight. This past month has been harder to even imagine, let alone believe. Not only has my family lost a deeply loved member, but I have lost a young friend whom died at the young and hapless age of 17. My schooling and grades have suffered due to the frequence of events. Drama between friends and situations have been stacking up on me, to the point where I feel like I am Atlas, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. And in some ways, I am. I've always carried around a burden that is not just my own. Yet, I don't want my friends to carry their burdens alone, so I help them along my way.
I've always loved my friends, with all of my heart. Many of them don't appreciate this, or don't know this fact, but I always will. Even those that have done hurtful things to me, or "stabbed me in the back" or a variety of other hateful or cruel actions, not only have I forgiven them, but I still care about them in some form and fashion. Even the ones I haven't talked to in years, because of some sort of disconnect with them. I miss them all, and I miss them dearly. It just seems that life is short, and I don't have much time left on this plane of existance.
Will things get better? Probably not. As much as people try to reassure me that they will get better, I no longer believe them. I've believed them for years, and they have continually turned worse. My friends seem to be happier than ever before, and I have become the most miserable. I never knew it could get THIS bad. I'm just ready for my suffering to be over.