Things I wish I could say

[magnoliamoon]

But shouldn't.

Two nearly three years ago.

• I was in a state of near constant pain. Neck nerves pinched so hard I was loosing feeling in my right hand and arm and my facial muscles were not responding anymore. Doctors said that there wasn't anything they could do for me, and this was going to be it.
• Well they could do one thing for me. Drugs, I was doing 2-3 tramadol and a muscle skelaxin a day. When it was bad I'd add rum and coke. Welcome to texas where you get vicodin for a sore throat..
• My husband was out of work, we just got the new house, my SSI (400 dollars a month I believe..sometimes more sometimes less) was the only thing supporting us, I was living with two room mates..one of which I was having problems with (she was pregnant and didn't know it and the situation was stressful to begin with) three kids and was stressed out like you wouldn't believe
• The bank was sending foreclosure notices, that was when we -could- make the mortgage payments..we missed two within the first six months and were late on the rest
• when I realized I was addicted to the tramadol, I quit cold turkey and went on celebrex.
• I seriously thought I was infertile..surrounded by babies in my house, and then faced with my friends pregnancy I was pretty f'n nuts

There is no excuse for my behavior in the gaming world at that time. I was a bitch, I was nasty, I was not a good player nor a good friend. But there were -reasons-. Reasons that if I set out when anonymously attacked by people who obviously play in a lot of places I do..I would be accused of setting up my cross.

I don't know what else to do.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can say that again and again until I'm blue in the face but the fact of the matter is..this is my bed and I'm lying in it.

*tired*