please make this a quick one
so tonight was rather special. in that i was sober.
TONIGHT marks the second night i have ever performed at a bar without drinking. LAST NIGHT was the first night i performed at a bar without drinking. being at a bar at all without drinking is weird enough, but performing EVEN moreso.
wow.
it feels real damn good. i feel full of energy and zest. i feel excited to be going to work tomorrow. i am happy.
HOWEVER, what is not happy, and what produced a shocking/surprising amount of emotion, welling up inside me--was the realization that i had left my guitar at the venue-- my god.
it wasn't in the backseat. oh god.
and i looked at my phone to see annie had called a few times about it--but it was already too late. my guitar was left behind. i really should get a nametag for that thing! i can't believe there isn't a luggage tag or SOMETHING with my name.phone.address on it.
i felt like a neglectful mother. my shiny black yamaha shivering and crying in the dink dank darkness of red and black nightclub. I can not let this happen again.
And it felt so heavily ironic. That I left behind my instrument for the first time on one of the first nights i have ever been sober at a performance. Isn't this the kind of irresponsible behavior that drunk maureen would engage in? or rather, fall into? Ironically--because it's a part of my routine, i probably would have remembered the guitar had i been drunk. But whatevs. Doesn't mean i'm perched beneath a keg nozzle ready to douse myself in bubbly beer.
As my horoscope points out--there are things i need to accept about myself.
I am a bit of a flake when it comes to posessions. NOT PEOPLE, mind you, I'm never a flake about those--but I do tend to devalue/forget/neglect my possessions. this is the truth. but my baby black guitaR!! who i've grown so fond of these past five months with Black Max, she has become my main guitar girl. one of two adorable japanese sisters. (my other guitar was made in japan as well--) It just hurts to know i left an expensive tool behind--a tool that "transmits my soul like radiowaves into the unscaled night," that breathes and beats with me. She's too important to forget! I am such an amateur in so many ways. augh. in so many ways how i play "dumb" onstage is not an act at all. it is 60% true--a part of the real me.
I really really love my horoscope in light of tonights events. And in light of recent events.
There's a lot to say about becoming sober. How uncomfortable it seems to make other people around me feel. yet how delightfully comfortable it makes ME feel. to be sober. I look forward to the uphill trudge of sobriety. It seems I've passed the halfway mark without knowing it.
Gosh there's a lot to say about this topic. A LOT A LOT--from memories growing up as a kid (and telling signs of addiction) to my first experience in rehab two years ago to the enlightening moments during the trip to new york. I have a TON TON TON of things to say. And I could write about them for a lifetime. And maybe i will!
Like my horoscope says, it's time to adopt fresh, healthier habits (like writing, sobriety, cooking) I feel that. i feel that so well. For once I feel really really good about substance abuse. FOR ONCE I feel in control. And i am DAMN proud of it. Rejecting a beer means more to me; gives me greater strength, fun, flexibility, enjoyment, than taking a beer. realizing that for myself, this is like finding a new key and a new doorway alltogether.
I can't blame sobriety for forgetting my guitar. I have to face the music and say, I, Maureen Andary, forgot my guitar. I can be forgetful and flighty sometimes, regardless of my mental state (sober/drunk/high) and this is something that I must accept about myself, including my sober self. Just because I'm sober doesn't mean I'm not going to make mistakes. I'm still Maureen and I still CAN make mistakes.
on my coffeetable sits a bottle of red spanish table wine. it's nice having it close to me. keep your enemies closer. no alcoholic in the world has any other choice--drinking's everywhere. it's appropriate the bottle be in my bedroom. A symbol of what i'm resisting, a reminder, a challenge to wake up to, immediately.
TONIGHT marks the second night i have ever performed at a bar without drinking. LAST NIGHT was the first night i performed at a bar without drinking. being at a bar at all without drinking is weird enough, but performing EVEN moreso.
wow.
it feels real damn good. i feel full of energy and zest. i feel excited to be going to work tomorrow. i am happy.
HOWEVER, what is not happy, and what produced a shocking/surprising amount of emotion, welling up inside me--was the realization that i had left my guitar at the venue-- my god.
it wasn't in the backseat. oh god.
and i looked at my phone to see annie had called a few times about it--but it was already too late. my guitar was left behind. i really should get a nametag for that thing! i can't believe there isn't a luggage tag or SOMETHING with my name.phone.address on it.
i felt like a neglectful mother. my shiny black yamaha shivering and crying in the dink dank darkness of red and black nightclub. I can not let this happen again.
And it felt so heavily ironic. That I left behind my instrument for the first time on one of the first nights i have ever been sober at a performance. Isn't this the kind of irresponsible behavior that drunk maureen would engage in? or rather, fall into? Ironically--because it's a part of my routine, i probably would have remembered the guitar had i been drunk. But whatevs. Doesn't mean i'm perched beneath a keg nozzle ready to douse myself in bubbly beer.
As my horoscope points out--there are things i need to accept about myself.
I am a bit of a flake when it comes to posessions. NOT PEOPLE, mind you, I'm never a flake about those--but I do tend to devalue/forget/neglect my possessions. this is the truth. but my baby black guitaR!! who i've grown so fond of these past five months with Black Max, she has become my main guitar girl. one of two adorable japanese sisters. (my other guitar was made in japan as well--) It just hurts to know i left an expensive tool behind--a tool that "transmits my soul like radiowaves into the unscaled night," that breathes and beats with me. She's too important to forget! I am such an amateur in so many ways. augh. in so many ways how i play "dumb" onstage is not an act at all. it is 60% true--a part of the real me.
I really really love my horoscope in light of tonights events. And in light of recent events.
There's a lot to say about becoming sober. How uncomfortable it seems to make other people around me feel. yet how delightfully comfortable it makes ME feel. to be sober. I look forward to the uphill trudge of sobriety. It seems I've passed the halfway mark without knowing it.
Gosh there's a lot to say about this topic. A LOT A LOT--from memories growing up as a kid (and telling signs of addiction) to my first experience in rehab two years ago to the enlightening moments during the trip to new york. I have a TON TON TON of things to say. And I could write about them for a lifetime. And maybe i will!
Like my horoscope says, it's time to adopt fresh, healthier habits (like writing, sobriety, cooking) I feel that. i feel that so well. For once I feel really really good about substance abuse. FOR ONCE I feel in control. And i am DAMN proud of it. Rejecting a beer means more to me; gives me greater strength, fun, flexibility, enjoyment, than taking a beer. realizing that for myself, this is like finding a new key and a new doorway alltogether.
I can't blame sobriety for forgetting my guitar. I have to face the music and say, I, Maureen Andary, forgot my guitar. I can be forgetful and flighty sometimes, regardless of my mental state (sober/drunk/high) and this is something that I must accept about myself, including my sober self. Just because I'm sober doesn't mean I'm not going to make mistakes. I'm still Maureen and I still CAN make mistakes.
on my coffeetable sits a bottle of red spanish table wine. it's nice having it close to me. keep your enemies closer. no alcoholic in the world has any other choice--drinking's everywhere. it's appropriate the bottle be in my bedroom. A symbol of what i'm resisting, a reminder, a challenge to wake up to, immediately.